Q & A

1. What’s the best thing to do for a friend experiencing loss?

Be present – at the hospital, at home, the funeral home, and funeral service.

2. Shouldn’t I respect a friend’s privacy and give them time alone to grieve?

They don’t need privacy, they need a friend and an “ear.” Loss is isolating and if you avoid them, you increase their sense of isolation. Pay a visit, call, or write them a note – your presence will help them heal.

3. Isn’t it better to say nothing rather than say the wrong thing?

If you say nothing, you might further isolate them and add to their grief. Tell them how sorry you are for their loss and then listen – listening is often the best way to comfort. The bereaved need to voice their feelings if they are to heal.

4. A friend suffered a traumatic loss and I have no idea how I can help her.

Tell your friend how sorry you are for her loss. Be honest and let her know this is a journey you have yet to take - you want to help her but don’t know how. Ask her to tell you know how best to support her during this difficult time.

5. I am clueless when someone experiences loss. Is it okay to tell them to call me if they need something?

The bereaved may find it difficult to ask for help and they may be in such a state of shock, they might not even know what help to ask for. Find something you will be comfortable doing and then provide it. You could prepare a meal, provide a favorite comfort food, drive carpool, mow the lawn, run errands, visit at the hospital, or conduct some research.

6. How long do I need to be supportive?

You will be needed well beyond the initial weeks. Be patient - there are no established timetables for how long it takes to recover from the death of a loved one, divorce, natural disaster, or miscarriage. Your thoughtfulness, by way of telephone calls, notes, meals, and companionship will help them through the painful process of restoring healthy living patterns.

7. A friend’s brother died in an accident and another friend’s cousin took her own life. Is it okay to ask questions about their deaths?

It is your job to listen, not to ask questions. If your friends want to share this personal information with you, they will. And if they do, listen attentively and let them know you care. No matter how curious you are, don’t pump them for more details.

8. I found my friend’s mother’s illness and death a painful reminder of my mom’s death. Is there a way I can help in the future, without stirring up my own pain?

Be honest with yourself and identify what activities cause you the most pain. It’s okay to keep in touch with notes, drop off a dinner, or make supportive telephone calls when you can just leave a message. But it is important to support the bereaved by attending the funeral or memorial service and the reception or meal following the service.

9. My cousin’s wife died and it was a tragic loss. I wrote him a note and made a contribution in her memory but I never heard from him. I wonder, did I do something wrong?

Your cousin may be overwhelmed with grief and unable to respond. When you reached out to him, you gave a gift of yourself. Don’t take the lack of response personally – he received your caring message and that was your purpose. If you would like to provide more support, you can follow up with another note or a telephone call.

10.  Is it appropriate to communicate with someone experiencing loss, even if I don’t know them personally?

It is a caring gesture to reach out to someone who is grieving. You can write a note and let them know you are touched by their loss and express your sympathy. You could also drop off something for a meal – either homemade or store bought.