A young woman shared with friends and family that her mother was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She became frustrated when many of them told her, “At least your mom got a good cancer.” While it is true that thyroid cancer has a high survival rate, the young woman wondered, “How can any cancer be good?” In the months ahead, the young woman watched helplessly as her vital and energetic mom wrestled with fatigue and required afternoon naps. How was this good?
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A member of my community took his life. It was a sudden and traumatic loss and while some people treated his widow with kindness, she shared that she was unprepared for the hurtful actions of others. For example, she was walking in our small town one morning when she saw a friend walking towards her; the friend saw her too, and she quickly crossed the street to avoid her. A colleague also shared a hurtful experience following the suicide of her physician brother. Though she was just a child, she vividly remembers the sound of her neighbor’s footsteps as she crossed their wooden porch. When her mother answered the loud knock, the neighbor asked, “Jean, how’d he do it?” It’s shocking to hear that someone has taken their life but even more shocking to learn that people do not give the bereaved the same support they give for other deaths. Why should we shy away from someone who is grieving just because their loved one took their life? As one widow stated, “My husband was a good man and lived a good life; he just chose to end it badly.” When you learn that someone has died and the cause of death is suicide, please do the same things for the bereaved that you would do to comfort and support anyone that has experienced a death. They’ll need your support now and for a long time to come. It’s just the right thing to do. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. photo credit: blavandmaster: www.flickr.com/photos/: The gap via photopin.com Death is a devastating experience and it is hard to know what words or actions can possibly ease the loss. When the bereaved is a child, it is even more challenging to know what to say or do. As difficult as it may be, “Try to act like things are as normal as possible,” says a friend whose mom died when she was just thirteen. “No one wants to be treated as ‘the girl whose mother died.’” Here are some ways to help a bereaved child:
Image: Flickr Creative Commons/cwasteson Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Copyright www.legacy.com Used with permission It's been many years since a family member was diagnosed with cancer yet I still recall the shock of hearing the news. Friends and other family members were equally disturbed and their responses often added to my stress. Months later when my family member was on the mend, I was able to look at the experience from a different perspective. I realized that people are often distressed when hearing difficult news and they just do not know what to say. So how can you avoid the pitfalls of others before you? Here’s what should you NEVER say to someone or their loved one diagnosed with cancer:
One of the best thing you can say to someone is, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this." And if you are willing, "I'd like to help. I'll keep checking back to see what I can do." Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Image via stock.xchng / magnetas There seem to be no conversational boundaries when it comes to death. The bereaved are often subjected to inappropriate comments and questions that can shock, hurt, or leave us speechless. We are often left wondering, how can friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, and even acquaintances say or ask that? It can be especially stressful when someone you truly care about hurts you. A week after my mother died a friend inquired, “Do you think she knew she was going to die?” I hadn’t pondered that question, but after our conversation, I could think of little else. And as much as the question pained me, I never told my friend; I did not want to lose her friendship. I’m not alone. It is very hard to articulate your feelings when mourning a loss and even harder to do it tactfully. Sometimes it is not just inappropriate conversation; there are people who just cannot understand our loss or our pattern of grief. It can become too difficult for them or us to continue the relationship while we mourn our loss. It is not uncommon for the bereaved to distance themselves or walk away from some friendships. So, how can you handle inappropriate comments or questions?
Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Couple in a park photo via photopin (license) copyright Legacy.com Used with permission My mother was a wise woman and a wonderful teacher. While we shared a lifetime of learning, it was not until her death that I realized she forgot one important lesson: She never told me how to live without her. I’m not alone. Even though the death of a parent is the natural order of things, everyone I know has struggled with the death of their parent. Whether the relationship is a good one or bad, we never seem to be ready to lose them, no matter their age or ours. It was the death of my dearest friend that spurred me to begin thinking of my own death. At the cemetery following my friend’s funeral my daughters asked, “Is this the cemetery where you would like to be buried?” As my husband and I had not had this discussion, it was a good place to start. We chose to respond to our daughters by asking them what they wanted. “Will you visit a grave site?” we asked, and “Do you want us buried in a place where you can come and grieve?” In the following weeks, I began to explore funeral and burial options and ask myself the hard questions. For instance: What kind of life do I want my children to have when I am no longer with them? I knew that I do not want my children to feel as lost as I did when my own mother died. And so, my family began a series of discussions on a topic that one daughter calls, “The sad stuff.” Whatever it might be called, I am undeterred. There are decisions to be made on cremation services, niches versus cemetery plots, and the merits of a variety of burial/funeral fees. Our talks gravitate towards my wishes should my spouse survive me to thoughts and feelings about a range of topics. I want my daughters to understand and embrace that life should be lived without regret. And to accept that the world will continue and so will they, even when I am no longer by their side. There never is a good time to talk about death and yet I have seen the chaotic aftermath when the topic is avoided and feelings are left unsaid. I have chosen a different route for my family. My children now know how I feel and they will not be left with a burden of decisions to ponder when I am gone. It’s also freed up my mind to better embrace and enjoy the rest of my life. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Photo AnaRusso via photopin Copyright www.legacy.com Used with permission Pets share a special place in our lives and become a member of the family. They’re good for us, bringing pleasure, companionship, comfort, and love. So it should be no surprise that when they die, we mourn for them. There was a time when pet owners got little support after their pet’s death. It was highly unlikely that a pet owner received expressions of sympathy, but social media has changed that. Many of us communicate the ups and downs of our lives through social media so it makes sense that our friends share their sad news. We grieve with our friends and show support for a loved one’s death and now our friends seek and find an outpouring of support following a pet’s death. Postings of pet loss are often personal narratives that include photographs. Friends may share the story of their beloved pet with cherished highlights and it’s hard not to be touched. One friend recently posted an endearing photo and wrote: “One bright June morning we brought 12-week old Buttons home. A few days later we took her on a walk at the beach and watched the waves curl in. That was 12 years ago. During those years this fun, fluffy, good-natured little girl brought us so much joy. Last night we had to say good-bye and we are so sad.” The responses to this post were heartwarming:
My friend was deeply touched. It can feel as if we are living in a world lacking civility and yet in our own individual corners, there can be much warmth. Your support to someone mourning a beloved pet can positively impact their healing. Let’s do for others what so many did for my friend. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Photo courtesy of author A friend had a neighbor whose 17-year old son died in a car accident. It was a life experience you never forget so around the anniversary of the accident, my friend always thinks of him. Her neighbor has moved away and I asked if she gets in touch with her around her son’s death anniversary. She replied, "I don't because I don’t want to remind her of her loss." I mentioned that her neighbor thinks of her son every day and it would make her feel better to know that someone else is thinking of him too. In contrast, in the twelve months after her husband died, a neighbor’s daughter did something thoughtful for her mom every month on the date of her dad's death. One month it was a candy bar on her pillow and another month, a scarf on the front seat of her car. When her daughter was out of town, she asked her husband to place a bouquet of flowers on her mom’s dresser. He willingly did so during his lunch break. Her daughter’s thoughtfulness was a bright spot in a very difficult year. When someone dies, while we’re touched with sadness, many of us quickly pick up the pieces of our lives and get back to our daily routines. Not so for the families who have lost a loved one. So what can we do to honor and remember the loved ones of our family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors? We can remember them and acknowledge the loss, whether it’s been two years or a decade. It can be as simple as a note, a card, a text message, or even a phone call around the anniversary of the death, letting them know that you're remembering their loved one and you’re thinking of them too. If you have a sweet memory of the deceased or something special that always reminds you of them, share it. It will bring a smile at a time tinged with sadness. What if you want to do something more tangible? You can make a donation in their memory to their school, a library, a food bank, community nonprofit, or any organization that you feel is appropriate. Ask that an acknowledgement be made to a family member, or, just make a donation in their name because it feels good to honor their memory. Your thoughtfulness and memories will not make the day or week more painful to family members; they’re already keenly feeling their loss. But your kindness might warm their heart. It helps to know that while their loved one is gone, their lives mattered, and they have not been forgotten. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Do you remember when guest books were the bound kind? We were asked to sign them at funeral and memorial services. Our signatures provided a record of attendance and the book became a keepsake for the bereaved. Guest books have taken on new meaning, not only with online obituaries, but the pandemic prevents us from any in-person condolences. When you access an online obituary there is usually a virtual guest book where you can add a message of sympathy and even include photos. An online guest book gives the bereaved instant access to condolences and allows new and old friends, neighbors, classmates, coworkers, community members, acquaintances, and even strangers to reach out to the bereaved. Online guest books also provide a place for people to come together to mourn public figures. In the past, if you were moved by the death of an actor, newscaster, author or someone else you admired, you had nowhere to express your grief. Now, you can share memories and condolences in the virtual guest book. How do guest book messages compare to condolence letters? And do you ever write both? I’ve read guest book entries that are long and heartfelt, as well as short and simple. Guest book messages provide quicker and more direct access to the bereaved. You can sit at your computer or preferred electronic device, compose, then copy and paste. Or, you can type directly on the guest book entry form. What you say in a guest book message and condolence letter might be similar. I believe more time and thought is given to a handwritten sympathy note than a virtual message. But you can take your time with guest book messages, too. You might write the message, let it sit, and then work on it some more. Given the extra time, you may think of more memories and stories to share. Once you’ve posted a message in an online guest book, whether you choose to follow up with a condolence letter depends on your relationship with the deceased and the family. If you do write both, you might choose to send your letter at a later date, and your letter would most likely have a different tone. It just might be more of a “thinking of you” letter with additional thoughts and memories of the deceased. Most messages, whether in a guest book or handwritten note, are sent immediately following a death. While there is no rule of etiquette that a condolence note should follow a guest book entry, sending one would be a thoughtful gesture. Grieving takes place in the weeks and months that follow a death, and contact during this period provides support and comfort to the bereaved. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Years ago, our book club had a discussion, and it was not about books. One of our members had a friend who was terminally ill. She chose to see only her family and told her friends she was not accepting visitors. Our member shared that this was one of her best friends and she asked, “What can I do?” One of our members was a social worker. “If this happened to me,” she said, “I would set up a lawn chair outside her house until she would see me.” I take a different view. When it comes to illness or or our own death, each of us has the right to call the shots. Our personal desires should guide our decisions on who we are going to see and when. So what can you do when a loved one wants their privacy? You can respect it. I know how hard this is because I have faced this same dilemma. You can’t know how a friend or loved one is feeling, physically or mentally, and you have to allow them their privacy. And you should let them spend their remaining days exactly as they wish. What you can do is keep in touch without intruding. You can send a note or card, an email, flowers, or their favorite comfort food. Leave the door open by communicating that you would love to keep in touch and you would like to support them in any way. As hard as it may be for you, do what they have asked. That’s one of the best gifts you can give them. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. |
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AuthorRobbie’s goal is to help her readers communicate effectively when their loved ones, neighbors, colleagues, and community members face difficult times. |