How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say

Read a Book Excerpt

“Words are powerful, and we are often unaware of the consequences our words can have on someone experiencing or suffering a traumatic event. Despite intentions to comfort or console, we may inadvertently say something that truly hurts or angers someone we care about. No matter how well meaning we are, we can easily increase someone’s suffering by thoughtless and inappropriate statements and actions. How we communicate with those around us experiencing difficulties and tragedies can positively or negatively impact the individual’s recovery, as well as make or break the future of our relationship with them.

Individuals experiencing trauma must deal and react to a myriad of emotions. They are feeling overwhelmed and frightened. It is possible that they themselves don’t understand what they are going through. In this state, it is normal to suffer conflicting emotions and easy to feel isolated.

Medical and mental health professionals use timetables to predict healing stages. These may be useful clinical guidelines, but in truth, they are just that - guidelines. We all have our own timetables - life is lived outside a textbook, and stages are not always predictable. It is essential that we not judge others by their ability and timeliness in coping and healing.

The greatest gift you can give someone experiencing a trauma is love and acceptance, no matter what they may be feeling. Everyone responds to traumatic situations differently; whatever they feel or do is the right thing for them.

Despite your best intentions, you might shy away from supporting someone who is dealing with a situation that is beyond anything you have personally experienced. You might be afraid to communicate, fearful that it might hurt rather than help. Don’t allow your lack of experience to suppress your good intentions. Just be honest and tell them, “This is a journey I have yet to take or understand. I want to be there for you and if I say something inappropriate, you can let me know.”

Your instinct may be to avoid someone experiencing loss, because you fear you’ll say the wrong thing. But loss can be very isolating and if you stay away, you will compound the loss and the pain.
Communications can be the tonic individuals need when experiencing loss, and comforting communications can play a vital role in the healing process. Keep in mind that even the simplest words and gestures bring solace. But words alone won’t help those experiencing loss. Their complicated and sometimes contradictory feelings must be articulated if they are to work through their grief. In addition to comforting, you can help in another way, too - - by listening.”