We often wonder how we can possibly make a difference in the life of someone deeply bereaved from the death of a loved one. And yet there is something powerful we can do that costs nothing but our time. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone facing loss is a willingness to listen.

Listening doesn't come easy. It is a skill, just like speaking and writing, and like any skill, you need to practice; the more you practice, the better you become.

We each have the power to give this all important gift – our time and attention. Here are some strategies to help you become a better listener:

1. Choose a private and comfortable place to talk.

2. Disregard your own feelings and thoughts and focus solely on the speaker.

3. Look directly at the speaker.

4. Avoid interruptions and don't talk.

5. Demonstrate warmth in your voice and your facial expressions.

6. Change position if you find your mind wandering or feel you are slipping away.

7. Stay calm and be patient.

Expressing condolences is essential when writing a sympathy note. But once we do, what should follow? What can we write that will be meaningful and comforting to the bereaved?

When someone has lost a loved one, all they have left are memories. One of the kindest things you can do is share your stories. I have heard the bereaved mention that they learned many things about their loved ones through colleagues, friends, former classmates, and others. They read  stories in the notes of sympathy that they’d never heard before and it was all the more bittersweet now that their loved one was gone.

Take the time to do some preparation before your write your condolence notes. Think about your relationship to the deceased and find a shared experience, a conversation, or a deed that demonstrates the positive qualities of the deceased. Even if the bereaved is aware of the story, they will appreciate the opportunity to remember something unique or special about their loved one. And they’ll have an opportunity to think of you and the bereaved in such a thoughtful way.

An outpouring of support often follows a death. It may come in the form of flowers, dinners, or memorial donations, as well as the intangibles such as transportation for out of town loved ones or help, at the home, the hospital, or funeral home. Weeks and months after the funeral, when things quiet down, do you need to write a formal sympathy thank you note?

Funeral homes often supply the bereaved with note cards for this purpose. Sympathy thank you notes can be a simple acknowledgement or take the form of a longer letter. It depends on how the bereaved feel and whether they’re up for the activity.

While it’s very thoughtful to take the time to thank individuals who have made an effort to support you and remember your loved one, it depends whether the bereaved is up to the task. Many people find it therapeutic to write sympathy thank you notes and answer condolence letters and notes; it’s a chance to acknowledge someone’s thoughtful gestures and talk about the deceased. But some people are so overwhelmed with grief, they’re just not up to the task.

One bereaved spouse shared that she poured herself a cup of coffee each morning and sat at the kitchen table with a goal of writing five thank you notes. As she began, she started to cry. After a week she realized she just couldn’t do it. A bereaved daughter was unable to do much of anything in the six months after her father died. She was finally ready to tackle the thank you notes but wondered if it was too late.

If it is too painful to write thank you notes, it’s okay not to write them. Memorial donations are usually acknowledged by the organization; it’s also possible that one of the friends or loved ones who offered assistance wouldn’t mind writing some notes for you. If six or eight months down the road you feel like writing notes, it’s okay to do so. Someone who did a kindness following a death will be happy to hear from you at any point. Just do what will work for you.

It’s important to remember that no one who made the effort to comfort the bereaved did so expecting anything in return. No one wants to add an extra burden to someone grieving a loss.

Have you ever heard of an empathy card? I haven’t either. When it’s time to offer condolences, we send sympathy cards and sympathy notes. The very word sympathy connotes a sense or feeling of compassion. The act of sending a sympathy card or condolence note is a way of sharing the loss with the bereaved.

Extending empathy is a bit more personal. Empathetic statements demonstrate that you possess the power to understand the feelings of others and that you identify with the bereaved.

I always think of empathy as the ability to put yourself in the shoes of someone else. Empathetic sympathy messages might include statements, such as:

• I will never forget Molly’s smile.
• Your mom had such a wonderful voice that I think of her every time I hear the choir.
• It’s hard taking my walk without Kevin, but I use the time to think about the positive influence he had on my life.
• You gave your dad such loving care and I know you meant the world to him.

When writing in an empathetic style, it helps to ask yourself: “How would I feel if my ** died?” “What would make me feel better?” “What would comfort me?” Once you have your perspective on the loss, your note takes on a more personal tone.