It’s just that time of year. While everyone is celebrating and with the arrival of the wintry mix, the birthdays of three special family members and the anniversaries of their death fall within a ten-week period. I used to think it was the time of year that made this period even gloomier until I read an essay that changed my thinking. The writer’s father died in July and the author shared that despite the sunshine and flowers, July is always a season of sadness for her.

So how do we cope with these seasons of grief? I’ve learned that there is no right or wrong way to work through it. Grief is so personal and unique and it’s influenced by our experience and relationships.

As the years have passed, I’ve handled these seasons differently, trying not to get mired in it. Sometimes I’ve keep busy, not just with my work, but with an active social life. Other times travel is a great distraction. I often try to focus on being productive so if I succumb to sadness, at least I feel a sense that I’m moving forward. Often, just living in the present and keeping an eye on the future helps.

I’ve learned over the years that at some point, no matter how sad, it is essential for me to acknowledge my family members. I think of them on their birthdays, feeling my love for them and the gratitude that they were a part of my life. I light a candle for each of them on the anniversary of their death. The candle burns for twenty-four hours and as I move through my day, I glimpse the candle as I pass and it reminds me how their spirit continues to live on within me.

What I’ve found empowering is the knowledge that while I can’t change what has happened to me, I can control how I manage the experience. I can avoid it by burying myself or getting out of town. Or, I can acknowledge it and allow myself to recognize the gifts that were mine, no matter how fleeting. All of us have that power.

Is it appropriate to send a sympathy letter six months or even one year after a death? There is no statute of limitations when it comes to condolences, but how late is too late? One widow shares, “It's never too late. It's not as if we finish grieving and ‘forget’ that our loved one died; it's always in our mind and heart. If you word a late condolence note with something like, ‘I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about Jonathan and remembering him with love, as I know you are,’ your sentiments will be appreciated.”

Whether you just learned of a death or procrastinated for months, don’t be afraid to reach out. The bereaved will be grieving for a long time and your thoughtfulness and care will help in the healing process.

Here’s an example:

Dear Rebecca, 

I was so saddened to hear of Stephen’s death and apologize for taking so long to get in touch. I’ve been thinking of you both, remembering the wonderful holidays we shared when we lived on Elm Street. How lucky we were to have you as neighbors. My thoughts of you and Stephen are full of warmth. I’m so glad we had many opportunities to share those early years of marriage. It was a special time and we were blessed to have the two of you in our lives.

I’m remembering Stephen with deep affection. Though we may not have been in touch often in the last few years, you were always in our hearts.

Warmest regards,
Nonnie and Bill

While sadness is a natural part of the grieving process, some people feel that first and second year just too raw to handle holidays. Family and friends may help buffer those first celebrations. But if you’re all by yourself or feeling alone, you may be more comfortable finding some help.

Local hospices, hospitals, and even funeral homes offer workshops on getting through the holidays as well as bereavement support groups from Thanksgiving through New Year’s. How to find one?

Check your local newspapers or do an online search. Use your favorite search engine and enter bereavement support, space, a plus sign (+), space and your city/town, state. If you come up empty, broaden your location to your county or region. Or, check your local phone listings for hospices near you and give them a call directly.

Many people find grief support particularly helpful during the holiday season. It’s comforting to know that you’re not alone.

Sympathy notes can be tough to write. It’s hard to know what you could possibly say to comfort someone grieving a painful loss. And yet it is your care and connection that goes a long way in helping someone heal from loss.

If you are truly blocked and can think of nothing meaningful to write, here are some alternatives for expressing your condolences without a note.

1. Attend the funeral and visitation and express your condolences in person.

2. Make a donation and let the organization express sympathy when they send a notification of your donation. Make sure you indicate who the donation is in memory of, who and where to mail the notification to, and your name. Check the death notice to see what organizations are designated for donations. If there aren’t any, choose an organization appropriate to their interest or loss. If there isn’t any you can choose their religious organization or as an alternative, many find comfort in helping those in need through food banks or other social programs.

3. Send flowers or a plant a few weeks after the death and include a thinking of you note with your name.

4. Invite the bereaved to your home for a home cooked meal and offer your condolences in person. Or arrange to bring a meal to the bereaved and attach a note that you are thinking of them.

5. Wait a week or two and call to see if it is convenient to deliver a food gift. Deliver a fresh-baked bread, a package of muffins or prepared sandwiches from a favorite bakery or deli and express your sorrow in person.