When someone dies, it’s easy to write a sympathy message to the bereaved on their Facebook wall, or a condolence message in an online guest book. These messages reach the bereaved quickly and clearly show you care. Facebook, guest books, and e-mail afford immediate access to the bereaved in the hours and days after a death. But the bereaved are usually in a state of shock during those early hours and days and that’s when most friends and family members pay their respects.

So what’s left to bring solace in the weeks and months following a death when true mourning takes place?

It’s common for the bereaved to feel isolated and alone during the mourning period. This is the time when the bereaved truly appreciate a note of sympathy.

Why is a written condolence note or sympathy card so important? If you’ve written on someone’s Facebook wall or in an online guest book, the bereaved must read it while sitting at a computer or using an electronic device. When they’re feeling sad or lonely, a computer or electronic device will be their companion while they re-read their messages.

It’s so much more comforting to hold a stack of handwritten or typed sympathy letters. When feeling blue and needing support, the bereaved can sit in a favorite spot, maybe with a cup of coffee or tea, and re-read the written messages.

Condolence letters are powerful tools in the mourning process. They become keepsakes and the bereaved will turn to them again and again in their journey towards healing.

I’m sitting at my desk, sorting through papers when I see the name of a friend at the top of a list. My friend had surgery and she’s been undergoing chemotherapy for the past two months. I periodically send a card or call just to say hello but I realize this morning that it’s been a few weeks since I’ve checked in.

I made the call and had a nice chat. I learned that my friend is very uncomfortable and is really just whiling away the days with little energy to pursue her normal routine. That’s where the cards and calls help. She mentioned she gets a card now and then and she appreciates that someone has taken the time to let her know they’re thinking of her. I tell myself to stop feeling guilty and make a plan to send a card next week.

Cards and notes are easy to send and you don’t have to worry about disturbing someone as you may do with a phone call. Emails are great for keeping in touch but there is something special about receiving a card or note in the mail.

Don’t spend too much time worrying about what to say. A simple “I wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you” goes a long way in making someone feel cared for. You can add “Book club or bridge isn’t the same without you” or “I miss crossing paths on my morning walks and look forward to seeing you soon.”  Your thoughtfulness will go a long way in brightening someone’s day.

It’s been ten years since my husband was diagnosed with cancer yet I still recall the shock of hearing the news. Friends and family members were equally disturbed and their responses just added to my trauma. Months later when my husband was on the mend, I was able to look at the experience from a different perspective and chose to write the book “How to Say It® When You Don’t Know What to Say: The Right Words for Difficult Times.”

So how can you avoid the pitfalls of others before you? Here’s what should you NEVER say to someone or their loved one diagnosed with cancer:

• For starters, hold yourself together and don’t cry; the bearer of this difficult news barely has the strength to tell you and they surely don’t have the emotional resources to comfort you.
• If you had to get cancer, this is a good one to get; no cancer is a good one to get. Surprisingly, even a clergy member said this.
• Can they treat it? Maybe they can and maybe they can’t but this is a topic the patient or family member should bring up, not you.
• What’s the prognosis? Who really knows? As one friend shared, “It’s a bell curve and who knows where I’ll end up.”
• I know a lot of people who had that and they’re fine. This does not make anyone feel better and it takes the attention away from someone who needs comfort and support.
• Everyone’s got to die from something.

When her mother died, a classmate from high school shared the news on Facebook. Her wall immediately filled with messages of consolation. One classmate shared stories of her mom’s warmth and hospitality when visiting her home.

An old friend was more subtle; she changed her Facebook profile photo to one of her and her mom and then wrote how sad she was on her wall. Facebook friends immediately responded, some expressing their sympathy while others sharing their memories from long ago.

Obituaries and death notices have been the conventional methods to communicate news of a death. Has Facebook become a more informal venue to communicate the news to a more targeted audience?

I’m fascinated with the messages of condolences on Facebook; but I don’t write them. It’s just too impersonal for me. When I see a posting that there’s been a death, I take some time to process the loss and decide how I would like to connect. Chances are if I’m reading it on Facebook, it’s an old connection and one I solely communicate with on Facebook. If that’s the case, I will compose condolences and send it as a message through Facebook. This feels more personal to me, and hopefully, to the bereaved.  

Not everyone feels this way. I’ve heard from classmates that they’ve found Facebook posts quite meaningful after a loss. Former classmates shared forgotten stories of their parents and siblings that touched their hearts. They say their old friends from home have more meaningful memories of their families than their current friends. And while a strong circle of support is comforting while grieving, it’s these former relationships that resonate with their remembrances.

For better or worse, social media is influencing the way we communicate and grieve our losses. What are your thoughts on using Facebook for this purpose?