Grief can have a considerable impact on both normal thought processes and perceptions, making it difficult to write anything coherent after a major loss, much less a perfectly drafted farewell. If you are having a hard time writing an obit, do not press yourself to get it all done at once. Take the time to list the different points that you wish to cover in the obituary, along with some of the personal attributes of the deceased that you would most like to honor.

 Speak From The Heart

It’s okay to reach out of for help. Bereaved family members and friends might be eager to provide input. Encouraging these individuals to help might yield some very worthwhile family time where everyone has an opportunity to express their sorrow and sense of loss. This environment, rather than the stress of the wake or funeral, is often less pressured, making it possible for those who need to grieve to express themselves freely. Writing the obituary often provides a very unique opportunity for everyone to share their thoughts and opinions of the deceased from an honest and open standpoint. Another benefit is that if there are familial issues that must be resolved before the wake or funeral, this is usually the most conducive environment to do this. As a unified group, you can select the perfect words for remembering your loved one and you are much more likely to draft this all important work directly from the heart.

The Key Elements Of An Obituary

Your final draft should honor and acknowledge the deceased, his or her spouse and parents, children and grandchildren as well as any other extended family members that held a special place in his or her life. It should also include the date and location information for the viewing, if one, and funeral, the birthday of the deceased and the day of death along with the state of residence where he or she passed away. When space or time are not a consideration you can also include pertinent professional details, career and life accomplishments along with any other personal information that you and your family deem relevant. Some obituaries are published online or in local print newspapers making space a vital consideration. However, many families additionally draft long and heartfelt obituaries that are printed and distributed at the time of the viewing or funeral. These obituaries provide friends and loved ones a tangible memory of the deceased.

Eulogizing Someone You Were Not Particularly Fond Of

An obit should highlight the accomplishments and shining characteristics of an individual. It is never the place to air dirty laundry. If you are asked to draft the obituary for a loved one that you were often at odds with, it might be helpful to speak with other family members and friends to learn more about their best attributes rather than attempting to list them on your own. This can be the perfect time to develop a more well-rounded opinion of someone that you were not close to in life, allowing you to grow beyond your personal differences and properly grieve for your loss.
 

It’s been said, a friend walks in when others walk out. When times are truly tough, when the world feels like such an inhospitable place, that’s when our true friends step up. They step in when it seems everyone else steps out.

And why is that so? It just might be that our friends are going through their own ordeal when we’re going through ours. It could be they have never experienced what we’re experiencing and they haven’t a clue how to help. Our problems might be frightening or our issues too large. There might be a myriad of valid reasons why a friend can’t be there when they’re needed.

But somehow there always seems to be a friend who finds the time to listen and is willing to be supportive and lend a hand. Thank goodness for those friends.

It happens. A friend’s mother dies or a colleague’s daughter is killed in a car accident. You’re touched by the loss, but you’ve never met the deceased. We all know it’s important to reach out to the bereaved and extend comfort, but how do you write a condolence letter for someone you don’t know?

When someone dies, all the bereaved have left are their memories. Sympathy notes that express your condolences bring needed comfort to the bereaved. The most meaningful ones include your thoughts, personal memories, and if possible, a treasured story. Photographs are especially appreciated.

You do need to dig a little deeper to write a meaningful condolence note for someone you don’t know. Here is an example of a letter you might write to a friend on the death of a parent you’ve never met.

Dear Jeff,

I was so sorry to hear about the death of your dad. I’m sure your dad had a hand in modeling behaviors that shaped the special person that you are – your wonderful medical skills, compassion, and patience. And your keen sense of humor. You have shared lots of stories about your family and I’m hoping that the good memories will be a comfort to you while you grieve this loss. Know that I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love to you and Sandy.

Barbara

When you ask the bereaved “How are you,” what do you expect they’ll say? Should they be honest and tell you “I’m just awful.” Or, should they keep their true feelings hidden and appease you with, “Just fine, thanks for asking?”

A friend who is widowed says this question is a hot button for her. She would love to answer, “Dreadful; I just lost the love of my life.” But she too takes the high road and answers “Okay.”

The expression that always irked me was “Call me if you need anything.” It’s tough for someone bereaved and grieving to pick up the phone and ask for help. Chances are they don’t have the energy to call or have no idea what to ask for. And what if they do call and ask for your help and you say you’re not available or you can’t do it? It’s painful to be rejected but even more so when grieving a loss.

So what can you say? Ask, “How are you doing with all this?” or, “How are you hanging in?” An alternative to give me a call is “What can I do to help?” Or, be more specific; “Can I bring dinner on Thursday?” or, “I’m on my way to the grocery store; what can I pick up for you?”

Try putting yourself in someone else’s shoes before speaking. How would you feel if asked this question? How would you like someone to help you? Empathy goes a long way in helping a friend or loved feel your support.