While sadness is a natural part of the grieving process, some people feel that first and second year just too raw to handle holidays. Family and friends may help buffer those first celebrations. But if you’re all by yourself or feeling alone, you may be more comfortable finding some help.

Local hospices, hospitals, and even funeral homes offer workshops on getting through the holidays as well as bereavement support groups from Thanksgiving through New Year’s. How to find one?

Check your local newspapers or do an online search. Use your favorite search engine and enter bereavement support, space, a plus sign (+), space and your city/town, state. If you come up empty, broaden your location to your county or region. Or, check your local phone listings for hospices near you and give them a call directly.

Many people find grief support particularly helpful during the holiday season. It’s comforting to know that you’re not alone.

Sympathy notes can be tough to write. It’s hard to know what you could possibly say to comfort someone grieving a painful loss. And yet it is your care and connection that goes a long way in helping someone heal from loss.

If you are truly blocked and can think of nothing meaningful to write, here are some alternatives for expressing your condolences without a note.

1. Attend the funeral and visitation and express your condolences in person.

2. Make a donation and let the organization express sympathy when they send a notification of your donation. Make sure you indicate who the donation is in memory of, who and where to mail the notification to, and your name. Check the death notice to see what organizations are designated for donations. If there aren’t any, choose an organization appropriate to their interest or loss. If there isn’t any you can choose their religious organization or as an alternative, many find comfort in helping those in need through food banks or other social programs.

3. Send flowers or a plant a few weeks after the death and include a thinking of you note with your name.

4. Invite the bereaved to your home for a home cooked meal and offer your condolences in person. Or arrange to bring a meal to the bereaved and attach a note that you are thinking of them.

5. Wait a week or two and call to see if it is convenient to deliver a food gift. Deliver a fresh-baked bread, a package of muffins or prepared sandwiches from a favorite bakery or deli and express your sorrow in person.

Years ago, our book club had a talk, and it wasn’t about books. One of our members had a friend who was terminally ill. She chose to see only her family and told her friends she was not accepting visitors. Our member shared that this was one of her best friends and she asked, “What can I do?”

One of our members was a social worker. “If this happened to me,” she said, “I would set up a lawn chair outside her house until she would see me.” I take a different view.

When it comes to illness or possible death, each of us has the right to call the shots. I feel we all have the right to decide who we are going to see and when. So what can you do when a loved one wants their privacy? You can respect it.

I know how hard this is because I’ve faced this same dilemma. You can’t know how someone is feeling, physically or mentally, and you have to allow them their privacy. And you should let them spend their days exactly as they wish.

What you can do is keep in touch without intruding. You can send a note or card, an email, flowers, or their favorite comfort food. Leave the door open by communicating that you would love to keep in touch and you would like to support them in any way.

As hard as it might be for you, do what they’ve asked. That’s one of the best gifts you can give.

It’s easy to feel isolated with illness and death. It’s as if you’ve checked out and the rest of the world is moving on without you. Small remembrances bring you back into the world and mean a great deal.

I know this from firsthand experience. During a difficult convalescence, I took care of my mom. The hours and days seemed to stretch so I created a ritual. Each afternoon around three o’clock I went to the mailbox and retrieved the mail. I’d sit with my mom in her family room and I would separate out the notes and cards. I’d open them, read them aloud, and we’d pass them back and forth, all the while talking about the thoughtful friends and family members who sent them. This ritual broke up our long afternoon and helped us feel more in touch with the world.

Since then, I make it a habit to send notes for just about any reason. I like to connect whether someone is sick, bereaved, facing a rough patch, or did something kind for me.

Recently, I spoke to several friends who have become caregivers to parents in their 90’s. They shared some of the difficulties, fears, and blessings of taking care of parents who can no longer manage on their own. One of my friends mentioned that it’s very helpful for others to remember her mom, even with something as simple as a note.

While I don’t know these moms personally, I know their wonderful daughters and I decided to write to two of the moms. I faced the dilemma; what do you write about when you don’t know the recipient? So I shared with the moms what I did know; that they had done a terrific job raising wonderful daughters and I’m very lucky to have them as friends. The notes didn’t take long to write but they had big impact. Here is one of the responses I received:

“The sweet note that you wrote to my Mom arrived yesterday afternoon.  To be honest, she was a little confused by it, since she doesn’t remember who you are.  But I felt your love and kindness in every word and appreciated it more than you could know. Thanks for being such a dear friend.” 

See if you can find a few minutes to write a note and make someone’s day. It’s time well spent!