The death of a spouse is one of the most stressful life events. The grief is deep and it lasts for a long time. While every individual is different in how they grieve, there may be a time when the best the bereaved can do is get out of bed. Tasks that seem quite ordinary feel like obstacles and it’s easy to feel insecure and doubtful. So how can you help? Bolster their fragile psyche and give compliments. Find anything that you can praise and let them know, “You’re doing great.” The last thing they need is criticism or someone second guessing their decisions. Here are some other things that hamper recovery:

1. Don’t ask “Are you going to be okay?” They won’t be okay for some time.
2. Don’t think it is your job to distract the bereaved from their grief. If they want to grieve or cry, that’s okay; they’ve lost their spouse and they have something to grieve and cry about.
3. Don’t tell them “It’s been two (three or four) months and you don’t want to grieve too long.”
4. Don’t offer to fix them up unless they have asked you to do so or mentioned that they’d like to start dating.
5. Keep your opinions to yourself. Everyone handles things differently; it’s not your job to comment or critique on how the bereaved is handling things.

A friend of mine recently met an acquaintance who thought she had the right to comment on a difficult experience my friend was going through. My friend was uncomfortable, so she tried to change the subject, twice; when this tactic failed, she abruptly ended the conversation and walked away.

What happens when a loved one, friend, or acquaintance says something truly inappropriate and crosses the line?

Some readers have shared that they feel blindsided, and speechless; and while the comments are uncomfortable and often hurt, they don’t know how to disengage or firmly end the conversation. Others shared a pre-planned reply, responding with something like, “How would you feel if someone said that to you?”

I’m not sure why people feel they have the right to make comments that express their thoughts on a personal trial that’s causing us pain. If you change the subject or walk away, you often still feel the sting of their words. And that pre-planned response? I tried it with someone and asked, “How would you feel if someone said that to you?” The person said they’d feel just fine so I’m not so sure the pre-planned reply is the way to go.

I’m going to suggest a new approach. When someone crosses the line and engages in a topic that makes you feel uncomfortable, you can say, “That’s something I don’t discuss.” If they press on, take your open hand, palm side down and lift your hand slightly as if to say “Stop;” and while making this gesture, say “Enough.” If you want to carry on the conversation, continue in another vein. Or, say, “It was good seeing you,” and move on.

Only you can decide when enough is enough.

It’s hard to know how to help the bereaved during the period of mourning. Friends and loved ones may think it appropriate to ask the bereaved to call if they need anything. While the sentiment is sincere, asking, “Please call me,” places a burden on someone grieving a loss; someone who can barely muster the energy to get out of bed in the morning.

The bereaved won’t call. Mourners are too drained to take the initiative, don’t know what to ask for or don’t know what someone is willing to do. And what if the bereaved do take the initiative to call and ask for help? Chances are friends or loved ones won’t be available exactly when assistance is needed. And the last thing someone grieving needs is to ask for help and be turned down.

So how do friends and loved ones reach out and extend the needed support?

1. Offer something that’s comfortable for you to do. Suggest dropping off a dinner on Thursday or Friday and ask, “Which day is best?” One friend makes a point of calling before heading out to the grocery or pharmacy to see if the bereaved has errands she can run at the same time.  

2. Make your offer specific.  For example, communicate which day has some free time and volunteer to come visit, help, or do an errand. One friend made a standing offer of two free hours every Tuesday, helping the bereaved organize the mail and answer correspondence. Another friend stayed in the house and watched the children for a few hours, allowing the bereaved uninterrupted time to handle chores.

3. If doing something anonymous is more comfortable, drop off a gift. Neighbors grieving a loss were appreciative of a dozen bagels left on the doorstep. Another friend was touched to arrive home and find home-baked banana bread in the mailbox.

Despite medical breakthroughs and longer life expectancies, cancer is very frightening. And it can be hard to know how to communicate with a patient and their loved ones. That’s what happened to a reader. Her best friend’s mom was diagnosed and treated for cancer. Things were on an even keel and then the cancer came back. The best friend isn’t willing to discuss it and the reader wonders what’s appropriate to do for the mom? When you don’t know how things stand and someone isn’t open to discussing it, what can you do?

A personal note is a kind and nonintrusive way to let someone know you care. It gives you the ability to reach out and allows the patient the opportunity to decide whether they want to pursue any further contact. Whatever the outcome, you’ve delivered your message.

So what do you say to someone dealing with a difficult illness? You say you care. Here’s an example:

Dear Mrs. Peters,

I’ve thought of you so often these last few months and wondered what I could do to let you know that I care. It’s hard to know what to say or do as I haven’t wanted to intrude. But I wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you’ve had to go through this. I will keep you in my thoughts and continue to hope for the very best outcome.

With much warmth,

Cindy