It’s hard to think about obituaries but at some point, we all come face to face with them, for our loved ones or ourselves. To learn about obituaries, I went to a pro and interviewed Susan Soper, the founder and author of ObitKit.

Should we write our obituaries in advance?

A: There are two schools of thought on this. Some people want control over how they’ll be remembered and want their obituaries signed and sealed, ready to be delivered on the appointed date. That takes courage and discipline. Others have the attitude that they’ll be gone, so what does it really matter. In between, there are people who care but don’t know exactly what to do about it. They might leave half scribbled notes, a request for specific music or a prayer or psalm that is meaningful to them but if it is done in a random way, those wishes might not get carried out.

Q: Facing your mortality head on is difficult. How do you get past that to work on your own obituary?

A: It seems that the Baby Boomers are more sanguine about death. We’ve led active, productive, gratifying lives and have seen enough tragedy – whether personal loss or a national assassination, war, terrorist threat – so that we seem to be able to accept the fact that we’re not immortal. Once that is in the mind-set, it’s not so terribly hard to be reflective, to look back on your life, to determine how you want to be celebrated.

Q: What steps should we take before writing an obituary?

The ObitKit suggests a number of ways to approach this. First of all, don’t try to do it in one sitting. It helps to have a template to prompt your thoughts and memories. Most funeral homes have very basic forms – just the facts – but I like to encourage people to think outside the box, if you’ll pardon the pun: talk to friends and family members, ask them how THEY see you, what adjectives they would use to describe you; are there old college chums who could help resurrect some memories or accomplishments of earlier years? Make lists: education, achievements, awards, career moves, community service efforts, memberships. Definitely include members of the family – survivors – and even pets, special friends or even doctors, if you wish.

Q: Are there specific criteria for writing an “appropriate” obituary?

Not long ago, obituaries were pretty somber: names, dates, birthplace, parents, survivors, military service, career, funeral details. After 9/11 when The New York Times published brief but very poignant articles about each victim, readers responded to the personalities that emerged in print – the foibles, romance, routines, wisdom, humor, eccentricities and more – that papers all over began putting feature writers on the obit beat to liven up those pages of remembrances. Now, almost anything goes. I have seen obits that included fiancés as well as old girlfriends, pets, irreverent comments about a person’s oddities and more – all in the name of painting a more complete and colorful portrait of the deceased. I also advise people not to be too “writerly” in this effort: just get the information down and someone who will do the actual writing of the obituary will be grateful to have that information – accurate and detailed – without having to guess or hunt for it.

Q: How can we be sure the obituary we write will be used?

There are no guarantees. But if you alert someone close that you have completed – or at least attempted – some final wishes, they will likely be respected. Whatever you do, don’t put them in the safe deposit box! Leave it in a drawer or cabinet where it will be easily found and accessible. What is worse than leaving something that doesn’t get used is leaving nothing at all, putting your loved ones in a difficult position – along with grief and sadness – to have to guess what you might have wanted. You can make your parting gift to them peace of mind.