It’s just that time of year. While everyone is celebrating and with the arrival of the wintry mix, the birthdays of three special family members and the anniversaries of their death fall within a ten-week period. I used to think it was the time of year that made this period even gloomier until I read an essay that changed my thinking. The writer’s father died in July and the author shared that despite the sunshine and flowers, July is always a season of sadness for her.

So how do we cope with these seasons of grief? I’ve learned that there is no right or wrong way to work through it. Grief is so personal and unique and it’s influenced by our experience and relationships.

As the years have passed, I’ve handled these seasons differently, trying not to get mired in it. Sometimes I’ve keep busy, not just with my work, but with an active social life. Other times travel is a great distraction. I often try to focus on being productive so if I succumb to sadness, at least I feel a sense that I’m moving forward. Often, just living in the present and keeping an eye on the future helps.

I’ve learned over the years that at some point, no matter how sad, it is essential for me to acknowledge my family members. I think of them on their birthdays, feeling my love for them and the gratitude that they were a part of my life. I light a candle for each of them on the anniversary of their death. The candle burns for twenty-four hours and as I move through my day, I glimpse the candle as I pass and it reminds me how their spirit continues to live on within me.

What I’ve found empowering is the knowledge that while I can’t change what has happened to me, I can control how I manage the experience. I can avoid it by burying myself or getting out of town. Or, I can acknowledge it and allow myself to recognize the gifts that were mine, no matter how fleeting. All of us have that power.

While sadness is a natural part of the grieving process, some people feel that first and second year just too raw to handle holidays. Family and friends may help buffer those first celebrations. But if you’re all by yourself or feeling alone, you may be more comfortable finding some help.

Local hospices, hospitals, and even funeral homes offer workshops on getting through the holidays as well as bereavement support groups from Thanksgiving through New Year’s. How to find one?

Check your local newspapers or do an online search. Use your favorite search engine and enter bereavement support, space, a plus sign (+), space and your city/town, state. If you come up empty, broaden your location to your county or region. Or, check your local phone listings for hospices near you and give them a call directly.

Many people find grief support particularly helpful during the holiday season. It’s comforting to know that you’re not alone.

I thought I knew everything there was to know about grief. After all, I’d faced some terrible losses by my early thirties. And yet my mom’s death really shook me. The grief and sense of loss was devastating and I found it incredibly hard to pull myself together that first year.

From my experience, I’ve learned that every loss is different and one loss doesn’t necessarily prepare you for the next. Unlike other life experiences, the more practice you have doesn’t make you any more competent at coping nor does it make it easier. Grief isn’t like any other life event. It doesn’t matter how many times you go through it; each time is unique and each loss leaves a different void in your life.

That’s just one good reason to never say to the bereaved, “I know how you feel.” Because you can’t possibly know how someone feels; just because you lost a mother, a child, or a spouse, your loss was unique to you. None of us knows the personal history or relationship that’s part of the loss and grieving process.

Each of us grieves in our own time and in our own way. And if you are to heal, you must fully grieve. It’s hard to see someone in so much pain and I think that’s the reason many people shy away from the bereaved. But you can’t hurry someone through the mourning process. What you can do is be a friend. Stay the course, listen when they need to talk, and remain by their side. Isn’t that what you’ll want someone to do for you?

There is no way around it; grief is painful. It’s hard to experience it yourself and it’s terribly difficult to watch someone you love in so much pain. But what’s the alternative?

You can’t medicate your grief; at some point you have to stop and the pain comes rushing back. Distractions do help; but if you aren’t grieving your loss, eventually distractions end and you’re once again left with the pain.

So what does work? Allowing yourself to fully mourn your loss so you can ultimately accept it and move on with your life. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t begin to re-enter during the process. In fact, making your way back into the world goes a long way in helping you work through your grief.

Patience and purpose are helpful healers. Activities and deeds, such as work, hobbies, interests, and volunteering are excellent ways to distract while helping the mind refocus. And when you’re in a place where it’s difficult to feel joy, there is satisfaction in accomplishing tasks and joy in helping others.

Transitions are never easy and this is a tough one to make.  Everyone works through grief in their own way and in their own time; so cut yourself or your loved one some slack and go with what works.