| Years ago, our book club had a talk, and it wasn’t about books. One of our members had a friend who was terminally ill. She chose to see only her family and told her friends she was not accepting visitors. Our member shared that this was one of her best friends and she asked, “What can I do?”
One of our members was a social worker. “If this happened to me,” she said, “I would set up a lawn chair outside her house until she would see me.” I take a different view.
When it comes to illness or possible death, each of us has the right to call the shots. I feel we all have the right to decide who we are going to see and when. So what can you do when a loved one wants their privacy? You can respect it.
I know how hard this is because I’ve faced this same dilemma. You can’t know how someone is feeling, physically or mentally, and you have to allow them their privacy. And you should let them spend their days exactly as they wish.
What you can do is keep in touch without intruding. You can send a note or card, an email, flowers, or their favorite comfort food. Leave the door open by communicating that you would love to keep in touch and you would like to support them in any way.
As hard as it might be for you, do what they’ve asked. That’s one of the best gifts you can give. |
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| Despite medical breakthroughs and longer life expectancies, cancer is very frightening. And it can be hard to know how to communicate with a patient and their loved ones. That’s what happened to a reader. Her best friend’s mom was diagnosed and treated for cancer. Things were on an even keel and then the cancer came back. The best friend isn’t willing to discuss it and the reader wonders what’s appropriate to do for the mom? When you don’t know how things stand and someone isn’t open to discussing it, what can you do?
A personal note is a kind and nonintrusive way to let someone know you care. It gives you the ability to reach out and allows the patient the opportunity to decide whether they want to pursue any further contact. Whatever the outcome, you’ve delivered your message.
So what do you say to someone dealing with a difficult illness? You say you care. Here’s an example:
Dear Mrs. Peters,
I’ve thought of you so often these last few months and wondered what I could do to let you know that I care. It’s hard to know what to say or do as I haven’t wanted to intrude. But I wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you’ve had to go through this. I will keep you in my thoughts and continue to hope for the very best outcome.
With much warmth,
Cindy |
| Nothing prepares us for difficult news. Friends may say, “I have something I need to tell you,” or, “I wish I could tell you this in person.” When we hear these words, most of us understand we’re going to learn something that’s not easy to hear.
Cancer is a scary thing. Even with medical advances and longer life spans, we still fear the word cancer. And that’s not the only disease that frightens us. What do you say when a friend shares, “I’ve been diagnosed with cancer (or some other difficult illness)?”
Most likely, you’re caught by surprise. So you may respond honestly, “I’m shocked as you must be. I don’t know anything about this cancer (or other illness).” That leaves the door open for your friend or loved one to explain things. While they’re talking, you should have enough time to get your bearings. When there is a lull in the conversation, you might ask, “How are you doing with all of this?”
What doesn’t help? Crying; or showing your fear. Your friend or loved one is dealing with their own emotions and fears; it’s not their job to comfort you. This is one of those times when you need to gather your strength and put on a strong front. Shed your tears in private and confide your fears to someone else.
When the news is shocking, we must stand tall. And lend our strength to the loved ones that need it.
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| It’s really tough to be sick and it’s hard for someone to ask for help, as it’s difficult to admit that you’re having trouble handling your affairs. And yet there are times when friends and loved ones face illnesses and treatments that are so difficult or draining, that it’s hard for them to cope. Here are some things you might offer to do when someone you care about is sick:
1. Offer to bring lunch or dinner. Home cooked meals are always appreciated but if you are not up to cooking, ask if they have a favorite food outlet and something specific they like to order. Then you place the order, pick it up, and deliver.
2. Be specific in extending an offer. Or, if you issue a blanket, “What can I do to help,” be prepared to do whatever is requested.
3. Friends or family members can only take so much time off from work for appointments. Offer transportation and companionship for treatments or physician appointments. It might even take the edge off the day with a stop for coffee or lunch.
4. Friends or loved ones might not have the time or the energy to shop for needed items. You can handle the transaction or, ask them to contact the store, make the transaction, and you pick it up.
5. Ask if they would like you to pick up an item (or items) each time you do your own grocery shopping, whether it’s a rotisserie chicken or milk. Or, call before running your own errands to see if they need anything at the stores you plan to visit.
If you’re still having a hard time figuring out how you can help, ask. A little guidance from friends and loved ones will give you the satisfaction of providing help that is needed and appreciated. |
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