Years ago, our book club had a talk, and it wasn’t about books. One of our members had a friend who was terminally ill. She chose to see only her family and told her friends she was not accepting visitors. Our member shared that this was one of her best friends and she asked, “What can I do?”

One of our members was a social worker. “If this happened to me,” she said, “I would set up a lawn chair outside her house until she would see me.” I take a different view.

When it comes to illness or possible death, each of us has the right to call the shots. I feel we all have the right to decide who we are going to see and when. So what can you do when a loved one wants their privacy? You can respect it.

I know how hard this is because I’ve faced this same dilemma. You can’t know how someone is feeling, physically or mentally, and you have to allow them their privacy. And you should let them spend their days exactly as they wish.

What you can do is keep in touch without intruding. You can send a note or card, an email, flowers, or their favorite comfort food. Leave the door open by communicating that you would love to keep in touch and you would like to support them in any way.

As hard as it might be for you, do what they’ve asked. That’s one of the best gifts you can give.