Expressing condolences is essential when writing a sympathy note. But once we do, what should follow? What can we write that will be meaningful and comforting to the bereaved?

When someone has lost a loved one, all they have left are memories. One of the kindest things you can do is share your stories. I have heard the bereaved mention that they learned many things about their loved ones through colleagues, friends, former classmates, and others. They read  stories in the notes of sympathy that they’d never heard before and it was all the more bittersweet now that their loved one was gone.

Take the time to do some preparation before your write your condolence notes. Think about your relationship to the deceased and find a shared experience, a conversation, or a deed that demonstrates the positive qualities of the deceased. Even if the bereaved is aware of the story, they will appreciate the opportunity to remember something unique or special about their loved one. And they’ll have an opportunity to think of you and the bereaved in such a thoughtful way.

Have you ever heard of an empathy card? I haven’t either. When it’s time to offer condolences, we send sympathy cards and sympathy notes. The very word sympathy connotes a sense or feeling of compassion. The act of sending a sympathy card or condolence note is a way of sharing the loss with the bereaved.

Extending empathy is a bit more personal. Empathetic statements demonstrate that you possess the power to understand the feelings of others and that you identify with the bereaved.

I always think of empathy as the ability to put yourself in the shoes of someone else. Empathetic sympathy messages might include statements, such as:

• I will never forget Molly’s smile.
• Your mom had such a wonderful voice that I think of her every time I hear the choir.
• It’s hard taking my walk without Kevin, but I use the time to think about the positive influence he had on my life.
• You gave your dad such loving care and I know you meant the world to him.

When writing in an empathetic style, it helps to ask yourself: “How would I feel if my ** died?” “What would make me feel better?” “What would comfort me?” Once you have your perspective on the loss, your note takes on a more personal tone.

I had the opportunity to read condolence notes sent to a friend upon the death of her teenage daughter. There were hundreds of sympathy cards and handwritten notes, many of them thoughtfully and beautifully written. But to this day, there was one that still disturbs me.

She expressed her condolences. But she went on to mention that she was sitting in her home office working on her expense reports. Her next door neighbor was having his trees trimmed and they were making such a racket, it gave her a headache. I sat back and thought how inappropriate it was to make such a statement in a sympathy note. I’m sure my friend would have given anything to have been dealing with loud noise and a headache instead of the deep heartache of losing her beloved child.

Friends and loved ones spend a lot of time seeking information on how to write a sympathy note; what to include and how to make it heartfelt or memorable. I don’t think anyone has ever asked me what not to say in a sympathy note and what topics or comments to avoid.

So what may be inappropriate to say while expressing your condolences?

■ Using a cliché such as, “He’s in a better place.” As one bereaved widow put it, “The only place he should be is with me.”

■ Bringing God into it; for example, “It’s God’s plan.” The bereaved may not believe in any God or not your God. You can’t assume that someone thinks the same way you think about religion.

■ Spelling the deceased’s name incorrectly. If you are unsure of the spelling, ask someone and clarify before writing your note.

■ Using the wrong the name; for example, the given name of James and not Jim, the nickname everyone who knew Jim knows to use.

■ Including any personal information about yourself or your family in the sympathy note; instead, totally focus on the bereaved and their loss. If you’d like to catch up with your news, do so in a month or so with a follow up “thinking of you” note.

@ Legacy.com

Is it appropriate to send a sympathy letter six months or even one year after a death? There is no statute of limitations when it comes to condolences, but how late is too late? One widow shares, “It's never too late. It's not as if we finish grieving and ‘forget’ that our loved one died; it's always in our mind and heart. If you word a late condolence note with something like, ‘I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about Jonathan and remembering him with love, as I know you are,’ your sentiments will be appreciated.”

Whether you just learned of a death or procrastinated for months, don’t be afraid to reach out. The bereaved will be grieving for a long time and your thoughtfulness and care will help in the healing process.

Here’s an example:

Dear Rebecca, 

I was so saddened to hear of Stephen’s death and apologize for taking so long to get in touch. I’ve been thinking of you both, remembering the wonderful holidays we shared when we lived on Elm Street. How lucky we were to have you as neighbors. My thoughts of you and Stephen are full of warmth. I’m so glad we had many opportunities to share those early years of marriage. It was a special time and we were blessed to have the two of you in our lives.

I’m remembering Stephen with deep affection. Though we may not have been in touch often in the last few years, you were always in our hearts.

Warmest regards,
Liz and Bill