Sympathy notes can be tough to write. It’s hard to know what you could possibly say to comfort someone grieving a painful loss. And yet it is your care and connection that goes a long way in helping someone heal from loss.

If you are truly blocked and can think of nothing meaningful to write, here are some alternatives for expressing your condolences without a note.

1. Attend the funeral and visitation and express your condolences in person.

2. Make a donation and let the organization express sympathy when they send a notification of your donation. Make sure you indicate who the donation is in memory of, who and where to mail the notification to, and your name. Check the death notice to see what organizations are designated for donations. If there aren’t any, choose an organization appropriate to their interest or loss. If there isn’t any you can choose their religious organization or as an alternative, many find comfort in helping those in need through food banks or other social programs.

3. Send flowers or a plant a few weeks after the death and include a thinking of you note with your name.

4. Invite the bereaved to your home for a home cooked meal and offer your condolences in person. Or arrange to bring a meal to the bereaved and attach a note that you are thinking of them.

5. Wait a week or two and call to see if it is convenient to deliver a food gift. Deliver a fresh-baked bread, a package of muffins or prepared sandwiches from a favorite bakery or deli and express your sorrow in person.

It’s easy to feel isolated with illness and death. It’s as if you’ve checked out and the rest of the world is moving on without you. Small remembrances bring you back into the world and mean a great deal.

I know this from firsthand experience. During a difficult convalescence, I took care of my mom. The hours and days seemed to stretch so I created a ritual. Each afternoon around three o’clock I went to the mailbox and retrieved the mail. I’d sit with my mom in her family room and I would separate out the notes and cards. I’d open them, read them aloud, and we’d pass them back and forth, all the while talking about the thoughtful friends and family members who sent them. This ritual broke up our long afternoon and helped us feel more in touch with the world.

Since then, I make it a habit to send notes for just about any reason. I like to connect whether someone is sick, bereaved, facing a rough patch, or did something kind for me.

Recently, I spoke to several friends who have become caregivers to parents in their 90’s. They shared some of the difficulties, fears, and blessings of taking care of parents who can no longer manage on their own. One of my friends mentioned that it’s very helpful for others to remember her mom, even with something as simple as a note.

While I don’t know these moms personally, I know their wonderful daughters and I decided to write to two of the moms. I faced the dilemma; what do you write about when you don’t know the recipient? So I shared with the moms what I did know; that they had done a terrific job raising wonderful daughters and I’m very lucky to have them as friends. The notes didn’t take long to write but they had big impact. Here is one of the responses I received:

“The sweet note that you wrote to my Mom arrived yesterday afternoon.  To be honest, she was a little confused by it, since she doesn’t remember who you are.  But I felt your love and kindness in every word and appreciated it more than you could know. Thanks for being such a dear friend.” 

See if you can find a few minutes to write a note and make someone’s day. It’s time well spent!

Have you ever heard of an empathy card? I haven’t either. When it’s time to offer condolences, we send sympathy cards and sympathy notes. The very word sympathy connotes a sense or feeling of compassion. The act of sending a sympathy card or condolence note is a way of sharing the loss with the bereaved.

Extending empathy is a bit more personal. Empathetic statements demonstrate that you possess the power to understand the feelings of others and that you identify with the bereaved.  

I always think of empathy as the ability to put yourself in the shoes of someone else. Empathetic sympathy messages might include statements, such as:

• I will never forget Molly’s smile.
• Your mom had such a wonderful voice that I think of her every time I hear the choir.
• It’s hard taking my walk without Kevin, but I use the time to think about the positive influence he had on my life.
• You gave your dad such loving care and I know you meant the world to him.

When writing in an empathetic style, it helps to ask yourself: “How would I feel if my ** died?” “What would make me feel better?” “What would comfort me?” Once you have your perspective on the loss, your note takes on a more personal tone.

It happens. A friend’s mother dies or a colleague’s daughter is killed in a car accident. You’re touched by the loss, but you’ve never met the deceased. We all know it’s important to reach out to the bereaved and extend comfort, but how do you write a condolence letter for someone you don’t know?

When someone dies, all the bereaved have left are their memories. Sympathy notes that express your condolences bring needed comfort to the bereaved. The most meaningful ones include your thoughts, personal memories, and if possible, a treasured story. Photographs are especially appreciated.

You do need to dig a little deeper to write a meaningful condolence note for someone you don’t know. Here is an example of a letter you might write to a friend on the death of a parent you’ve never met.

Dear Jeff,

I was so sorry to hear about the death of your dad. I’m sure your dad had a hand in modeling behaviors that shaped the special person that you are – your wonderful medical skills, compassion, and patience. And your keen sense of humor. You have shared lots of stories about your family and I’m hoping that the good memories will be a comfort to you while you grieve this loss. Know that I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love to you and Sandy.

Barbara