When someone dies, it’s easy to write a sympathy message to the bereaved on their Facebook wall, or a condolence message in an online guest book. These messages reach the bereaved quickly and clearly show you care. Facebook, guest books, and e-mail afford immediate access to the bereaved in the hours and days after a death. But the bereaved are usually in a state of shock during those early hours and days and that’s when most friends and family members pay their respects.

So what’s left to bring solace in the weeks and months following a death when true mourning takes place?

It’s common for the bereaved to feel isolated and alone during the mourning period. This is the time when the bereaved truly appreciate a note of sympathy.

Why is a written condolence note or sympathy card so important? If you’ve written on someone’s Facebook wall or in an online guest book, the bereaved must read it while sitting at a computer or using an electronic device. When they’re feeling sad or lonely, a computer or electronic device will be their companion while they re-read their messages.

It’s so much more comforting to hold a stack of handwritten or typed sympathy letters. When feeling blue and needing support, the bereaved can sit in a favorite spot, maybe with a cup of coffee or tea, and re-read the written messages.

Condolence letters are powerful tools in the mourning process. They become keepsakes and the bereaved will turn to them again and again in their journey towards healing.

Most people read my blog for tips on writing sympathy notes. It seems a lot of thought or a lot of angst goes into writing a message of sympathy.

Is a sympathy note harder to write than let’s say, a note of apology? Or a thank you note? All three types of notes have something in common; they all deal with emotion whether sorrow, sadness, or joy, and our goal is to convey the appropriate emotion.

But sympathy notes aren’t just about emotion; you’re writing to someone who’s very sad and feels a horrific sense of loss. The goal in writing a condolence message is to provide some comfort during this painful period and that’s where the difficulty comes in.

How do you write a message that is truly going to comfort someone feeling such pain? The best condolence notes come from the heart and if you can write one that conveys both your sadness for the loss and in some way provides comfort, then you have a thoughtful and memorable sympathy note.

But what if you are one of the many individuals who find that hard to do? Then do the best you can. Express how sorry you are for the loss. Let them know you are thinking of them. If you have a personal connection, communicate that you care. If you were acquainted with the deceased and have a memory, this is the time to share it.

If you acknowledge the loss and express your sympathy, than you’ve done what’s most important. And maybe that’s just enough.

It happens. A friend’s mother dies or a colleague’s daughter is killed in a car accident. You’re touched by the loss, but you’ve never met the deceased. We all know it’s important to reach out to the bereaved and extend comfort, but how do you write a condolence letter for someone you don’t know?

When someone dies, all the bereaved have left are their memories. Sympathy notes that express your condolences bring needed comfort to the bereaved. The most meaningful ones include your thoughts, personal memories, and if possible, a treasured story. Photographs are especially appreciated.

You do need to dig a little deeper to write a meaningful condolence note for someone you don’t know. Here is an example of a letter you might write to a friend on the death of a parent you’ve never met.

Dear Jeff,

I was so sorry to hear about the death of your dad. I’m sure your dad had a hand in modeling behaviors that shaped the special person that you are – your wonderful medical skills, compassion, and patience. And your keen sense of humor. You have shared lots of stories about your family and I’m hoping that the good memories will be a comfort to you while you grieve this loss. Know that I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love to you and Sandy.

Barbara

Sympathy notes can be tough to write. It’s hard to know what you could possibly say to comfort someone grieving a painful loss. And yet it is your care and connection that goes a long way in helping someone heal from loss.

If you are truly blocked and can think of nothing meaningful to write, here are some alternatives for expressing your condolences without a note.

1. Attend the funeral and visitation and express your condolences in person.

2. Make a donation and let the organization express sympathy when they send a notification of your donation. Make sure you indicate who the donation is in memory of, who and where to mail the notification to, and your name. Check the death notice to see what organizations are designated for donations. If there aren’t any, choose an organization appropriate to their interest or loss. If there isn’t any you can choose their religious organization or as an alternative, many find comfort in helping those in need through food banks or other social programs.

3. Send flowers or a plant a few weeks after the death and include a thinking of you note with your name.

4. Invite the bereaved to your home for a home cooked meal and offer your condolences in person. Or arrange to bring a meal to the bereaved and attach a note that you are thinking of them.

5. Wait a week or two and call to see if it is convenient to deliver a food gift. Deliver a fresh-baked bread, a package of muffins or prepared sandwiches from a favorite bakery or deli and express your sorrow in person.