The death of a spouse is one of the most stressful life events. The grief is deep and it lasts for a long time. While every individual is different in how they grieve, there may be a time when the best the bereaved can do is get out of bed. Tasks that seem quite ordinary feel like obstacles and it’s easy to feel insecure and doubtful. So how can you help? Bolster their fragile psyche and give compliments. Find anything that you can praise and let them know, “You’re doing great.” The last thing they need is criticism or someone second guessing their decisions. Here are some other things that hamper recovery:

1. Don’t ask “Are you going to be okay?” They won’t be okay for some time.
2. Don’t think it is your job to distract the bereaved from their grief. If they want to grieve or cry, that’s okay; they’ve lost their spouse and they have something to grieve and cry about.
3. Don’t tell them “It’s been two (three or four) months and you don’t want to grieve too long.”
4. Don’t offer to fix them up unless they have asked you to do so or mentioned that they’d like to start dating.
5. Keep your opinions to yourself. Everyone handles things differently; it’s not your job to comment or critique on how the bereaved is handling things.

People ask if I fabricate some of the inappropriate things I write about. I don’t have to; I’m constantly stunned at the things people say and they provide a steady flow of material. All I have to do is listen.

Case in point; I recently had dinner with a group of folks. One dad shared that his daughter had been hit by a car and was in rehabilitation. In further conversation we learned that she was badly injured with short term memory loss.

So what was the response? One person asked, “Was it her fault?” The dad replied, “Does it matter?”  

The dad’s response didn’t stem the flow of inappropriate comments. Another person asked, “Did they catch the driver?” He said again, “Does it matter?” He followed with, “All that matters is she’s alive. And, it could have been much worse.” And it got worse as another dinner guest joked, referring to her memory loss; “Just think, your jokes will be new again.”

After the dinner I apologized to the dad for all the awful comments. He shrugged and said he was used to them.

Is this an isolated case? I’m afraid not. It left me wondering, why weren’t the dinner guests more empathetic? And why should this dad who has gone through a horrific experience with his daughter have to develop thick skin to deal with such insensitive comments?

It would be helpful if everyone would not only think before they speak but ask themselves, “How would I feel if someone said this to me?”

A young woman eight months pregnant gave birth to a stillborn baby. Overcome with grief, she asked her supervisor to share the news with her colleagues by e-mail so she wouldn’t have to individually tell her devastating news. It seemed a simple request, but when she returned to work, she learned her supervisor didn't notify her colleagues and they were each stunned when she painfully shared the news. Not knowing what to say or do, they avoided her and she felt shunned and alone in her grief. After a few months, she quit her job and left the organization.

Afraid to say the wrong thing, many people stay away. But it’s important to understand how our actions, or lack of action, impact the loss that friends, family members, colleagues, and community members are experiencing. 

What should you not do?

• Don’t stay away.

• Don’t avoid returning phone calls from the bereaved.

• Don’t refuse the bereaved when you are asked to help.

• Don’t disregard family wishes for donations and make them instead to your pet cause.

• Don’t avoid communicating difficult news, placing the burden on the bereaved.

• Don’t ask the bereaved to do something for you when they can barely take care of themselves.

• Don’t ask the bereaved for details.

• Don’t ask for a possession of the deceased or ask for something back that you’d given them.

• Don’t pay a visit and expect to be fed or entertained.

• Don’t expect the bereaved to reciprocate your kindness – this is one of those occasions that when they're able, they'll pay it forward.

Even those with the best intentions might say something inappropriate to the bereaved. Hurtful sentiments can damage relationships; so many individuals stay away, fearing they’ll say the wrong thing.

So what can you do? Stick to the basics when speaking with the bereaved. Communicate in some way your sadness at their loss and if you have some knowledge of the deceased, mention a quality you admired. For example, words of comfort might be: “I was so sad to hear of your dad’s death. He was always so kind to me.”

Statements that get you into trouble are often your interpretation of the loss. Here are some areas you might want to avoid:

1. Comments that minimize the loss, such as: “He was sick for so long, you must be relieved that it’s over” or, “It’s for the best that she didn’t linger.”

2. Inappropriate statements, such as: “This is a blessing in disguise.”

3. Any suggestion there is something good in the experience, such as: “Look on the bright side; he didn’t suffer.”

4. Comparisons of your pain and your experience to the person who is grieving, such as: “You must feel as dreadful as I did when I got my divorce.”

5. Any reference that you know how they feel; it’s impossible to know how another person is feeling, even if you have experienced a similar loss.