| A friend shared that she finds it really hard to know what to say when friends or loved ones need support. “It doesn’t matter what’s wrong,” she confides, “I just feel their stress and I’m at a loss for words.”
My friend isn’t alone. I don’t know anyone who feels perfectly comfortable dealing with a difficult situation. When emotions are involved, it’s hard not to feel the emotions yourself. Despite past experiences or even training, it’s tough to function in a stressful environment without being impacted by the stress.
So what can you do to extend support? You can help best by listening. The sick, bereaved or troubled friend or loved one needs to articulate how they feel. And it is a blessing if you can provide an outlet. Many people find comfort knowing someone cares enough to hear them out. It is through telling our stories that we often make sense of what is happening in our lives.
In the end, it’s not often what we say but what we do. |
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| It’s been said, a friend walks in when others walk out. When times are truly tough, when the world feels like such an inhospitable place, that’s when our true friends step up. They step in when it seems everyone else steps out.
And why is that so? It just might be that our friends are going through their own ordeal when we’re going through ours. It could be they have never experienced what we’re experiencing and they haven’t a clue how to help. Our problems might be frightening or our issues too large. There might be a myriad of valid reasons why a friend can’t be there when they’re needed.
But somehow there always seems to be a friend who finds the time to listen and is willing to be supportive and lend a hand. Thank goodness for those friends. |
| A friend of mine recently met an acquaintance who thought she had the right to comment on a difficult experience my friend was going through. My friend was uncomfortable, so she tried to change the subject, twice; when this tactic failed, she abruptly ended the conversation and walked away.
What happens when a loved one, friend, or acquaintance says something truly inappropriate and crosses the line?
Some readers have shared that they feel blindsided, and speechless; and while the comments are uncomfortable and often hurt, they don’t know how to disengage or firmly end the conversation. Others shared a pre-planned reply, responding with something like, “How would you feel if someone said that to you?”
I’m not sure why people feel they have the right to make comments that express their thoughts on a personal trial that’s causing us pain. If you change the subject or walk away, you often still feel the sting of their words. And that pre-planned response? I tried it with someone and asked, “How would you feel if someone said that to you?” The person said they’d feel just fine so I’m not so sure the pre-planned reply is the way to go.
I’m going to suggest a new approach. When someone crosses the line and engages in a topic that makes you feel uncomfortable, you can say, “That’s something I don’t discuss.” If they press on, take your open hand, palm side down and lift your hand slightly as if to say “Stop;” and while making this gesture, say “Enough.” If you want to carry on the conversation, continue in another vein. Or, say, “It was good seeing you,” and move on.
Only you can decide when enough is enough. |
| It’s hard to know how to help the bereaved during the period of mourning. Friends and loved ones may think it appropriate to ask the bereaved to call if they need anything. While the sentiment is sincere, asking, “Please call me,” places a burden on someone grieving a loss; someone who can barely muster the energy to get out of bed in the morning.
The bereaved won’t call. Mourners are too drained to take the initiative, don’t know what to ask for or don’t know what someone is willing to do. And what if the bereaved do take the initiative to call and ask for help? Chances are friends or loved ones won’t be available exactly when assistance is needed. And the last thing someone grieving needs is to ask for help and be turned down.
So how do friends and loved ones reach out and extend the needed support?
1. Offer something that’s comfortable for you to do. Suggest dropping off a dinner on Thursday or Friday and ask, “Which day is best?” One friend makes a point of calling before heading out to the grocery or pharmacy to see if the bereaved has errands she can run at the same time.
2. Make your offer specific. For example, communicate which day has some free time and volunteer to come visit, help, or do an errand. One friend made a standing offer of two free hours every Tuesday, helping the bereaved organize the mail and answer correspondence. Another friend stayed in the house and watched the children for a few hours, allowing the bereaved uninterrupted time to handle chores.
3. If doing something anonymous is more comfortable, drop off a gift. Neighbors grieving a loss were appreciative of a dozen bagels left on the doorstep. Another friend was touched to arrive home and find home-baked banana bread in the mailbox.
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| Grief is such a painful experience; it seems to take over your body and your life. Often it takes a mountain of courage just to get out of bed in the morning and face the day.
Support and companionship are so vital during the mourning process. Well-meaning friends and loved ones often say, “Call me if you need anything.” Well, it’s common for the bereaved not to know what they need and they lack the energy to make a call. Their thinking is so clouded; they’re getting by hour by hour.
When asked what helps the most, the bereaved frequently say, “Just show up.” Come to the hospital, the visitation, the funeral or memorial service, and the reception. And then offer to take a walk, listen, go for coffee or a meal, or just sit. And as you listen and observe, you will begin to understand what else might help your friend or loved one.
But know that if you are present, your presence is a gift. A priceless gift at that, because you demonstrated that you are there – you’ve shown up. |
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