Death and loss are unlike any experience; no matter how often we deal with them, we don’t necessarily get better at it. It never becomes easier or more comfortable to offer condolences or extend support to someone dealing with loss.

And no matter the circumstances, it’s crucial to communicate, despite your comfort level. Death and any loss are very isolating and staying away compounds the loss.

But what should you do when you’re truly at a loss for words? What do you say?

I’ve been in this predicament myself. At a really difficult time in my life I saw a neighbor. She gave me a hug and said, “This must be such a difficult week. I don’t know what to say.” But she said it all; she validated what was happening in my life, let me know she cared by approaching and hugging me, and was honest in her feelings. And what she said and did was right on target.

I encourage everyone to reach out to someone facing a death, illness, or difficult times so individuals don’t face even more isolation. It’s okay to let someone know, “I don’t know what to say.” In reaching out, your actions speak volumes. You’re saying, “I know this is a difficult time and I care.” And that says a lot.

A colleague, Joan Price, lost her beloved husband, Robert. Many folks she encountered found it hard to say the right thing. Too often she was asked, “How are you doing?" Joan wondered, “What was I supposed to answer? The truth was ‘Horrible, of course!’ but I restrained myself."

I asked Joan to share what she wished folks had said so we could learn how to better communicate with a grieving spouse. Joan reminded me that we each grieve differently and statements that she liked might not work as well with others. These are her heartfelt suggestions.

1. “Tell me about him.”
With people who didn’t know him or barely knew him, this is a wonderful opening for me to talk about him.

2. “I miss him, too.”
From people who did know him, this is the perfect thing to say.

3. “Here’s what I loved about him” or “Here’s something special he did that I’ll always remember.”
How beautiful to add to my memories of him during this time.

Joan also advised that it is never too late to share thoughts or memories. Memories are what remain and they're truly appreciated.

When you learn there’s been a death, what’s your first response? Do you express your condolences to the bereaved and communicate your sadness, or, do you ask a question? A reader shares her experience that when someone has died, one of the first responses she most often hears is the question: “How did they die?”

No matter how well meaning, does it really matter how someone died? Does it change the way you should respond to the death? Maybe the question “how” is not one the bereaved wishes to discuss, and yet how does one gracefully navigate a conversation that might be intrusive when overwhelmed with grief?

How someone died, whether by accident, terminal illness, unexpected death, violence, or suicide, shouldn’t change the way you respond to the news of the death. And it’s important to protect the privacy of the bereaved and not make them uncomfortable with intrusive questions.

Are questions ever appropriate when learning of a death? Questions that might be appropriate are: “Can you tell me where I can get information on the funeral, memorial service, or visitation?” “Is the family accepting visitors?” “Can I bring a dinner?” “Where can I make a donation in their memory?” Or, “Is there someone I can call to offer my help?”

Sometimes it feels like the elephant in the room. Someone has died and we don’t want to bring up their name. So we not only don’t mention their name in conversation, but we refrain from talking about them. Do you ever wonder why we avoid saying the name of the deceased?

A friend facing the anniversary of her husband’s death was hurt that friends no longer said her husband’s name. She finally asked them why and they told her they were afraid his name would make her sad. She’s already sad that her husband died and she thinks about him all the time; she told her friends she likes to talk about him, too, and she’d welcome hearing his name.

That reminded me of a story another friend shared. It was the anniversary of the death of her 21-year old neighbor. Although she remembered the date, she didn’t plan to send a card or call her friend because she didn’t want to remind her of her loss. I explained that her friend was thinking about her son all the time, especially on the anniversary of his death. If she were to reach out to her, she would make her friend feel supported and not so alone in her grief.

It can be awkward to broach the subject, but why not give it a try. Let a friend know that you think of ‘Peter,’ her deceased spouse, every time you eat coffee ice cream, his favorite. Or, around the anniversary of a neighbor’s daughter’s death, let them know that you’ll never forget ‘Lisa’s’ wonderful smile. Or, share with someone that something reminded you of ‘Tim’ and just the thought of him made you feel good. You’ll make them feel good, too!