Real-Life Examples

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What Not to Say and Do

Real-Life Examples

“After I had a miscarriage, a friend sent me a book on miscarriage – no thoughtful message; just a book.”
“The day after my baby daughter died, my neighbor told me it was a blessing in disguise.”
“My husband lived one year after being diagnosed with cancer. One of his closest friends never called, wrote, or came to see him during the year and he hurt my husband terribly. He showed up at the funeral acting as if he still was a close friend.”
“At my husband’s funeral, a friend said, ‘I know just how you are feeling. I felt that way after my divorce.’”
“When my child was diagnosed with autism, a family member asked, ‘What will we tell people?’”
“After I had a miscarriage, there were some folks who offered no sympathy or concern but asked, ‘Do you know what caused the miscarriage?’ That was over 40 years ago and I've never forgotten!”
“After my baby died, someone said to me the old line of ‘there's a reason for everything.’ Well, that could be and in fact, I even believe that When I'm Not Mourning the Loss of My Baby! But at that time, that was not what I needed to hear, because I couldn't IMAGINE what the reason was. And if there was one, it couldn't have been a very good one.”
“Most people who decide to end a marriage have done a lot of soul searching and have walked through a wall of fire to get where they are. Telling them things like, ‘You haven't worked hard enough, try harder’, ‘Have you been to counseling’, ‘Have you tried praying’, or ‘Have you thought about what you're doing to others (your kids, friends, siblings, parents, etc)’ suggests disapproval and is hurtful to the person.”
“A friend suggested after hearing of my plans to divorce: ‘You need to go home and work harder to hold things together with your husband’ -as if I hadn't already done that for years before making my decision.”
When I shared with a friend that my husband was diagnosed with cancer, she told me "We are all going to die of cancer sometime."