Many people draw a blank when it comes to crafting a sympathy note. It appears that a lot of thought or a lot of angst goes into writing a message of condolence.

Is a sympathy note harder to write than let’s say, a note of apology? Or a thank you note? All three types of notes have something in common; they all deal with emotion whether sorrow, sadness, or joy, and our goal is to convey the appropriate emotion.

But notes of sympathy aren’t just about emotion; You’re writing to someone who’s very sad and feels a horrific sense of loss. The goal in writing a condolence message is to provide some comfort during this painful period and that’s where the challenge comes in. How do you write a message that is truly going to comfort someone feeling deep pain?

The best notes of condolence come from the heart and if you can write one that conveys both your sadness and understanding of what it means to lose someone you love, chances are you'll write a thoughtful and memorable sympathy note.

But what if you are one of the many individuals who find that hard to do? Then do the best you can. Express how sorry you are for the loss. Let them know you are thinking of them. If you have a personal connection, communicate that you care. If you were acquainted with the deceased and have a memory, this is the time to share it.

If you acknowledge the loss and express your sympathy, than you’ve done what’s most important. And maybe that’s just enough.

It happens frequently. Someone we know has a death in the family; a friend’s mother dies or a colleague’s son is killed in a car accident. The loss touches you, but you have never met the deceased. You know it’s important to reach out to the bereaved and extend comfort, but how do you write a condolence note for someone you don’t know?

When someone dies, all the bereaved have left are their memories. Sympathy notes that express your condolences bring needed comfort to the bereaved. The most meaningful ones include your thoughts, personal memories, and if possible, a treasured story. Photographs are especially appreciated.

You do need to dig a little deeper to write a meaningful note of sympathy for someone you don’t know. Here is an example of a condolence letter you might write to a friend on the death of a parent you have never met.

Dear Peter,

I was so sorry to hear about the death of your father. I’m sure your dad had a hand in modeling behaviors that shaped the special person you are – your wonderful medical skills, compassion, and patience. And your keen sense of humor. You have shared lots of stories about your family and I’m hoping that the good memories will be a comfort to you while you grieve this loss. Know that I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love to you and Melissa.

Barbara

Image: http://simplesympathy.com/printable-sympathy-cards

It's Monday and you realize another week has passed and you still haven't written the sympathy note. You have good intentions, but it's too hard and you just keep putting it off. You don’t know the bereaved well and you never met the deceased; and you know nothing about the relationship between the bereaved and the deceased. How can you possibly think of anything that might bring comfort?

The business of grief is a lonely one. It’s something you do all by yourself. You feel so much pain and wonder if you will ever feel “normal” again. While the note writing task might seem daunting, one of the kindest things you can say and do for someone who is grieving a loss is acknowledge the pain and the difficulty in losing someone so very dear.

A handwritten note lets the bereaved know you care and it will lessen their sense of isolation. Acknowledging their grief helps them understand that their pain is an appropriate response to their loss. And it does not really matter if the note arrives one week or thirty after the death. Here are some guidelines:

1. Begin by communicating your sympathy or sadness at their loss.
2. Acknowledge the difficulty in losing a beloved friend or family member.
3. Share that you care and have been thinking of them.
4. Include any common experience that demonstrates that you have an understanding of their loss. Avoid comparisons such as divorce or death of a pet.

​The following is an example of how I recently handled a belated sympathy note to someone I knew, but never met the deceased:
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Dear Jacob,
​​
I was sorry to hear that your dad had died. It is so difficult to lose a parent and I remember how lonely I felt after my mother’s death. I gravitated to others who had faced a similar loss and their understanding gave me comfort during the long grieving and healing process.

I just wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts. I hope that the memories you have of your dad will bring comfort in the weeks and months ahead.                                                                                                                                                                                                           
My deepest condolences,
 

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store

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When someone dies, our natural impulse is to immediately reach out and express our sympathy. Some of us can rise to the occasion and quickly craft a heartfelt condolence message. But if you need some time to do the job justice, take it. The bereaved get most attention in the early days and weeks, while they’re in shock and processing the loss, and most likely won’t remember much. It’s in the weeks and months ahead, when mourning takes place, that they might most appreciate a sympathy note from you. Here are five strategies for preparing notes of sympathy:

1. Wait a day, a week, or a few weeks to digest the news and collect your thoughts before writing your note.
2. Don’t do it all in one sitting.
3. Draft your note first then edit, revise, and proof before writing your final note.
4. Allow the note to sit for a day before mailing. Re-read it to ensure it reflects the true message you would like to convey.
5. Include your address on the envelop to make it easy for the recipient to reach you, should they desire.