A friend and I had many discussions on the pros and cons of condolence messages on Facebook. While we both seemed to be on the fence, I was not surprised when he announced the death of his father on Facebook. In this day and age, social media is the most expedient way to communicate personal news.

But the postings on Facebook pose a dilemma; do you in turn post a condolence message on Facebook or write a traditional condolence note?

The decision was not too hard for me; I always write a note of sympathy. Having been bereaved myself, I know the healing power of written condolences and I like to think sympathy notes will be re-read and cherished during the period of mourning.

Facebook communication is so tempting because it is immediate. Had I written on his wall, my friend would have known instantly that I cared. Instead, he had to wait a few days until the sympathy note arrived.

Was it worth the wait? I believe so. My friend wrote an email to thank me and we have been emailing each other since. While Facebook is immediate, the posts are often short and quickly written. Notes with personal messages of condolence take time and are usually well thought out. I believe they are meaningful; well worth the time it takes to write and deliver.

When someone dies, our natural impulse is to immediately reach out and express our sympathy. Some of us can rise to the occasion and quickly craft a heartfelt condolence message. But if you need some time to do the job justice, take it. The bereaved get most attention in the early days and weeks, while they’re in shock and processing the loss, and most likely won’t remember much. It’s in the weeks and months ahead, when mourning takes place, that they might most appreciate a sympathy note from you. Here are five strategies for preparing notes of sympathy:

1. Wait a day, a week, or a few weeks to digest the news and collect your thoughts before writing your note.
2. Don’t do it all in one sitting.
3. Draft your note first then edit, revise, and proof before writing your final note.
4. Allow the note to sit for a day before mailing. Re-read it to ensure it reflects the true message you would like to convey.
5. Include your address on the envelop to make it easy for the recipient to reach you, should they desire.

​Most people would like some help when it comes time to write a sympathy note. As one friend puts it, it’s very difficult to figure out what to say to someone experiencing such deep sorrow. The bereaved do appreciate the caring sentiment these notes convey and they play an essential role in communicating our condolences. While it’s important to craft a comforting message, it feels as if there is too much emphasis placed on a written note rather than the personal extension of condolences and support extended to the bereaved.

Many bereaved share how touched they are by notes and personal remembrances from friends, loved ones, neighbors, and colleagues. These messages are often savored, read, and re-read during the period of mourning. But the bereaved also share that the most meaningful expressions of sympathy are often verbal and face-to-face communications in the weeks and months following a death. This is a sad and often lonely period when physical presence is often scarce.

So instead of placing so much importance on a sympathy note, let’s focus our attention on being present in the life of the bereaved, well past the early weeks following a loved one’s death. Do write a meaningful note, sign an online guest book, and post on a Facebook page, sharing your stories and old photos that make the deceased present once again to those who loved and cherished them. But don’t stop there. Send a “thinking of you” card, a personal note, an email message, or a Facebook poke. Phone to check in and see how they are doing. Make a date for a walk, coffee, a visit, or a meal. Invite them to join you for a movie, religious services, shopping, dinner at your home, or some time out. Offer to pick them up if you feel they are too housebound or they seem to be having difficulty moving forward.

Caring condolence notes are a great start, but once they’re mailed, your job isn’t done. Let your thoughtfulness extend beyond the written word and your kindness will make a profound difference.
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Adapted from legacy.com All rights reserved.