Do you need to write a condolence note? "It's not always necessary," says Robbie Miller Kaplan, condolence expert.

One of the questions I’m most frequently asked is, “How do I write a sympathy note?” Maybe the question you should be asking is: "Do I need to write a note of sympathy?"

For example, the father of a dear friend died. My friend was out of town when I heard the news and I reached her by phone. We talked for half an hour and she shared that after a long illness, she’d made peace with her dad’s death. I called again and we spoke after the funeral. I invited her and her husband for dinner the night they returned home and she accepted. After speaking with her at length and extending my sympathy over a home-cooked meal, it felt unnecessary to write a personal condolence note, and I didn’t.

A few weeks ago I attended the funeral of a friend’s sister. I had an opportunity to express my condolences after the service. My friend hugged me tight and I knew that the physical support was a comfort. I attended a Shiva the following night; a Shiva is a Jewish ritual of mourning where family members and friends congregate to comfort the mourners. I then sent a donation in memory of my friend’s sister to the organization she’d designated. After all these expressions of sympathy I felt a sympathy note was not warranted.

I don’t suggest a blanket approach when it comes to sympathy. Each loss is unique and it's appropriate to make a personal decision on how best to support friends and loved ones. While I believe it’s always appropriate to write a note of sympathy, there are times when our actions are an expression of our condolences and writing a note isn’t necessary.
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When faced with illness and death, It’s easy to feel isolated; as if you’ve checked out and the rest of the world is moving on without you. Small remembrances can bring you back into the world and mean a great deal.

I know this from firsthand experience. During a difficult convalescence, I became my mom's caretaker. The hours and days seemed to stretch so I created a ritual. Each afternoon around three o’clock I went to the mailbox and retrieved the mail. I’d sit with my mom in her family room and I would separate out the notes and cards. I’d open them, read them aloud, and we’d pass them back and forth, all the while talking about the thoughtful friends and family members who sent them. This ritual broke up our long afternoon and helped us feel more in touch with the world.

Since then, I make it a habit to send notes for just about any reason. I like to connect whether someone is sick, bereaved, facing a rough patch, or did something kind for me.

Recently, I spoke to several friends who have become caregivers to parents in their 90’s. They shared some of the difficulties, fears, and blessings of taking care of parents who can no longer manage on their own. One of my friends mentioned that it’s very helpful for others to remember her mom, even with something as simple as a note.

While I don’t know these moms personally, I know their daughters and I decided to write to two of the moms. I faced the dilemma; what do you write about when you don’t know the recipient? So I shared with the moms what I did know; that they had done a terrific job raising wonderful daughters and I’m very lucky to have them as friends. The notes didn’t take long to write, but they had big impact. Here is one of the responses I received:

“The sweet note that you wrote to my Mom arrived yesterday afternoon.  To be honest, she was a little confused by it, since she doesn’t remember who you are.  But I felt your love and kindness in every word and appreciated it more than you could know. Thanks for being such a dear friend.”

See if you can find a few minutes to write a note and make someone’s day. It’s time well spent!

It happens frequently. Someone we know has a death in the family; a friend’s mother dies or a colleague’s son is killed in a car accident. The loss touches you, but you have never met the deceased. You know it’s important to reach out to the bereaved and extend comfort, but how do you write a condolence note for someone you don’t know?

When someone dies, all the bereaved have left are their memories. Sympathy notes that express your condolences bring needed comfort to the bereaved. The most meaningful ones include your thoughts, personal memories, and if possible, a treasured story. Photographs are especially appreciated.

You do need to dig a little deeper to write a meaningful note of sympathy for someone you don’t know. Here is an example of a condolence letter you might write to a friend on the death of a parent you have never met.

Dear Peter,

I was so sorry to hear about the death of your father. I’m sure your dad had a hand in modeling behaviors that shaped the special person you are – your wonderful medical skills, compassion, and patience. And your keen sense of humor. You have shared lots of stories about your family and I’m hoping that the good memories will be a comfort to you while you grieve this loss. Know that I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love to you and Melissa.

Barbara

Image: http://simplesympathy.com/printable-sympathy-cards

Do you remember when guest books were the bound kind? We were asked to sign them at funeral and memorial services. Our signatures provided a record of attendance and the book became a keepsake for the bereaved.

Guest books have taken on new meaning with online obituaries. When you access an obituary there is usually a virtual guest book where you can add a message of sympathy and even include photos. An online guest book gives the bereaved instant access to condolences and allows new and old friends, neighbors, classmates, coworkers, community members, acquaintances, and even strangers to reach out to the bereaved.

Online guest books also provide a place for people to come together to mourn public figures. In the past, if you were moved by the death of an actor, newscaster, author or someone else you admired, you had nowhere to express your grief. Now, you can share memories and condolences in the virtual guest book.

How do guest book messages compare to condolence letters? And do you ever write both?

I’ve read guest book entries that are long and heartfelt, as well as short and simple ones. Guest book messages provide quicker and more direct access to the bereaved. You can sit at your computer, compose, then copy and paste. Or, you can type directly on the guest book entry form.

What you say in a guest book message and condolence letter might be similar. I believe more time and thought is given to a handwritten sympathy note than a virtual message. But you can take your time with guest book messages, too. You might write the message, let it sit, and then work on it some more. Given the extra time, you may think of more memories and stories to share.
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Once you’ve posted a message in an online guest book, whether you choose to follow up with a condolence letter depends on your relationship with the deceased and the family. If you do write both, you might choose to send your letter at a later date, and your letter would most likely have a different tone. It just might be more of a “thinking of you” letter with additional thoughts and memories of the deceased.
 
Most messages, whether in a guest book or handwritten note, are sent immediately following a death. While there is no rule of etiquette that a condolence note should follow a guest book entry, sending one would be a thoughtful gesture. Grieving takes place in the weeks and months that follow a death, and contact during this period provides support and comfort to the bereaved.

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It's Monday and you realize another week has passed and you still haven't written the sympathy note. You have good intentions, but it's too hard and you just keep putting it off. You don’t know the bereaved well and you never met the deceased; and you know nothing about the relationship between the bereaved and the deceased. How can you possibly think of anything that might bring comfort?

The business of grief is a lonely one. It’s something you do all by yourself. You feel so much pain and wonder if you will ever feel “normal” again. While the note writing task might seem daunting, one of the kindest things you can say and do for someone who is grieving a loss is acknowledge the pain and the difficulty in losing someone so very dear.

A handwritten note lets the bereaved know you care and it will lessen their sense of isolation. Acknowledging their grief helps them understand that their pain is an appropriate response to their loss. And it does not really matter if the note arrives one week or thirty after the death. Here are some guidelines:

1. Begin by communicating your sympathy or sadness at their loss.
2. Acknowledge the difficulty in losing a beloved friend or family member.
3. Share that you care and have been thinking of them.
4. Include any common experience that demonstrates that you have an understanding of their loss. Avoid comparisons such as divorce or death of a pet.

​The following is an example of how I recently handled a belated sympathy note to someone I knew, but never met the deceased:
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Dear Jacob,
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I was sorry to hear that your dad had died. It is so difficult to lose a parent and I remember how lonely I felt after my mother’s death. I gravitated to others who had faced a similar loss and their understanding gave me comfort during the long grieving and healing process.

I just wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts. I hope that the memories you have of your dad will bring comfort in the weeks and months ahead.                                                                                                                                                                                                           
My deepest condolences,
 

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store

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When someone dies, our natural impulse is to immediately reach out and express our sympathy. Some of us can rise to the occasion and quickly craft a heartfelt condolence message. But if you need some time to do the job justice, take it. The bereaved get most attention in the early days and weeks, while they’re in shock and processing the loss, and most likely won’t remember much. It’s in the weeks and months ahead, when mourning takes place, that they might most appreciate a sympathy note from you. Here are five strategies for preparing notes of sympathy:

1. Wait a day, a week, or a few weeks to digest the news and collect your thoughts before writing your note.
2. Don’t do it all in one sitting.
3. Draft your note first then edit, revise, and proof before writing your final note.
4. Allow the note to sit for a day before mailing. Re-read it to ensure it reflects the true message you would like to convey.
5. Include your address on the envelop to make it easy for the recipient to reach you, should they desire.