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How to Write Sympathy Notes

5/2/2019

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When we hear there's been a death, our first impulse is to respond quickly by writing a sympathy note. But waiting to send a condolence note is okay too. It’s in the weeks and months ahead, when mourning takes place, that people might most appreciate a sympathy note.

The following are some tips for preparing heartfelt sympathy notes, which can be sent the traditional way – on printed cards or notepaper – or via technology, such as e-mail or online Guest Books:

  • Wait a day, a week or a few weeks to digest the news and collect personal thoughts before writing the note.
  • Begin with a sentence that expresses sadness for the loss.
  • Use the sentences that follow to articulate personal feelings, memories, anecdotes, and any ways the deceased touched others and made a difference.
  • Draft the note first. Then, edit, revise, and proofread before writing the final note.
  • Allow the note to sit for a day before sending it. Re-read it to ensure it reflects the true message that it is intended to convey.
  • Include the sender’s address on the envelope, or the e-mail address in the online Guest Book, to make it easier for recipients to respond back, should the recipient wish to do so.
​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

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Instant Sympathy via Facebook

3/11/2019

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News travels fast through social media so it’s no surprise to hear about a death through Facebook. Blasts of news are so frequent that we’ve become adept at responding in similar fashion. Why send a sympathy note when with a few clicks of the keys, you’ve said your peace? With seemingly ease, people react immediately to sad news.

While I’m not a fan of posting condolence messages on Facebook, I’ve become aware of just how comforting the immediacy of support can be.

I recently attended the funeral service for a 79-year-old member of my congregation. During the service, one of the bereaved sons shared a few of the many tributes written on his father’s Facebook page. His father was a retired music teacher and his former students were very loyal and kept in touch. Upon hearing of his death, there were dozens of messages that appeared on his Facebook wall. One shared his deep sadness upon hearing the news and then continued by detailing how his beloved music teacher made a huge difference in his life. He shared stories that the family had never heard and this brought them a greater sense of their father’s legacy as well as his talents. Other students told stories that depicted their dad’s idiosyncrasies and this made them laugh. Laughter in the face of so many tears brought solace.

When my mom died, I loved the stack of condolence letters I received and on sad days, I took them to my favorite chair and re-read them. It’s true, I had to wait months to receive some of them but they became treasured reminders of my mom’s legacy; and they brought needed comfort.

Facebook seems to be doing the same thing and more in a quicker and more efficient format. For example, years ago when a cousin died, it took lots of work for me to hunt down old photos, make copies, and send an album to her bereaved husband. Now, it’s easy to scan old photos and post new ones on Facebook, some the bereaved might never have seen. And even if they have seen them, they have all the memories in one online place.

Will I stop writing and mailing written condolences? No I won't. But I will be more flexible in sharing stories and photos on Facebook. If I see the bereaved is “liking” what they see, I might add some memories to the mix. After all, the whole point is comforting the bereaved.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Copyright www.legacy.com. Used with permission.


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Sympathy Notes - Write From the Heart

11/5/2018

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Most people find that writing a sympathy note is hard. It can be intimidating to address someone who is experiencing so much pain. We might think, "What can we possibly say that will make this experience less painful?"

I find it's often helpful to put things in perspective. If you view the process as an expression of your care, you'll find it's not that complicated if you speak from the heart. Take the time to jot down how you are feeling and then draft a condolence note that expresses your thoughts.


Are you feeling sad over the loss of a friend’s dad? Has your aunt been in your thoughts since you heard of your uncle’s death? Do you have a special memory that always comes to mind that you can share? Will you be reaching out through a visit or phone call?

The very best messages of sympathy convey your caring thoughts. If you take the time to explore your feelings and then express them, you’ll craft a sympathy note that is sure to comfort.


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Must Your Condolence Note Be Memorable?

8/10/2018

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Many people draw a blank when it comes to crafting a sympathy note. It appears that a lot of thought or a lot of angst goes into writing a message of condolence.

Is a sympathy note harder to write than let’s say, a note of apology? Or a thank you note? All three types of notes have something in common; they all deal with emotion whether sorrow, sadness, or joy, and our goal is to convey the appropriate emotion.

But notes of sympathy aren’t just about emotion; You’re writing to someone who’s very sad and feels a horrific sense of loss. The goal in writing a condolence message is to provide some comfort during this painful period and that’s where the challenge comes in. How do you write a message that is truly going to comfort someone feeling deep pain?

The best notes of condolence come from the heart and if you can write one that conveys both your sadness and understanding of what it means to lose someone you love, chances are you'll write a thoughtful and memorable sympathy note.

But what if you are one of the many individuals who find that hard to do? Then do the best you can. Express how sorry you are for the loss. Let them know you are thinking of them. If you have a personal connection, communicate that you care. If you were acquainted with the deceased and have a memory, this is the time to share it.

If you acknowledge the loss and express your sympathy, than you’ve done what’s most important. And maybe that’s just enough.


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Your Notes of Sympathy and Concern Have Big Impact

6/4/2018

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When faced with illness and death, It’s easy to feel isolated; as if you’ve checked out and the rest of the world is moving on without you. Small remembrances can bring you back into the world and mean a great deal.

I know this from firsthand experience. During a difficult convalescence, I became my mom's caretaker. The hours and days seemed to stretch so I created a ritual. Each afternoon around three o’clock I went to the mailbox and retrieved the mail. I’d sit with my mom in her family room and I would separate out the notes and cards. I’d open them, read them aloud, and we’d pass them back and forth, all the while talking about the thoughtful friends and family members who sent them. This ritual broke up our long afternoon and helped us feel more in touch with the world.

Since then, I make it a habit to send notes for just about any reason. I like to connect whether someone is sick, bereaved, facing a rough patch, or did something kind for me.

Recently, I spoke to several friends who have become caregivers to parents in their 90’s. They shared some of the difficulties, fears, and blessings of taking care of parents who can no longer manage on their own. One of my friends mentioned that it’s very helpful for others to remember her mom, even with something as simple as a note.

While I don’t know these moms personally, I know their daughters and I decided to write to two of the moms. I faced the dilemma; what do you write about when you don’t know the recipient? So I shared with the moms what I did know; that they had done a terrific job raising wonderful daughters and I’m very lucky to have them as friends. The notes didn’t take long to write, but they had big impact. Here is one of the responses I received:

“The sweet note that you wrote to my Mom arrived yesterday afternoon.  To be honest, she was a little confused by it, since she doesn’t remember who you are.  But I felt your love and kindness in every word and appreciated it more than you could know. Thanks for being such a dear friend.”

See if you can find a few minutes to write a note and make someone’s day. It’s time well spent!


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How to Write a Sympathy Note When You Never Met the Deceased

5/21/2018

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It happens frequently. Someone we know has a death in the family; a friend’s mother dies or a colleague’s son is killed in a car accident. The loss touches you, but you have never met the deceased. You know it’s important to reach out to the bereaved and extend comfort, but how do you write a condolence note for someone you don’t know?

When someone dies, all the bereaved have left are their memories. Sympathy notes that express your condolences bring needed comfort to the bereaved. The most meaningful ones include your thoughts, personal memories, and if possible, a treasured story. Photographs are especially appreciated.

You do need to dig a little deeper to write a meaningful note of sympathy for someone you don’t know. Here is an example of a condolence letter you might write to a friend on the death of a parent you have never met.

Dear Peter,

I was so sorry to hear about the death of your father. I’m sure your dad had a hand in modeling behaviors that shaped the special person you are – your wonderful medical skills, compassion, and patience. And your keen sense of humor. You have shared lots of stories about your family and I’m hoping that the good memories will be a comfort to you while you grieve this loss. Know that I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love to you and Melissa.

Barbara

Image: http://simplesympathy.com/printable-sympathy-cards


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Let Your Sympathy Note Tell a Story

2/26/2018

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Most of us struggle when it's time to write a sympathy note. In the face of so much sorrow, we want to extend comfort, but struggle to find the right words.

How can we bring solace to the bereaved through a condolence note? The sympathy notes that extend needed comfort are personal and  share thoughts and memories of the deceased. Before you begin to write a sympathy note, take the time to reflect on your personal memories and jot down some stories that illustrate the unique qualities of the deceased.

Everyone has a story about a friend, loved one, colleague, and community member. The friend that brought you soup when you had the flu, the co-worker who tried to help dry your shoes by putting them in the microwave, or the neighbor that attempted to push your car when it was stuck in the snow and got his car stuck too. We all know funny, charming, and caring tales and when it is time to write a sympathy note, it's these stories that are most appreciated.

When someone dies, all we have left are memories and it's these shared experiences that are sure to bring some warmth during a difficult time.


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How to Close a Sympathy Note

1/8/2018

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Most people find it difficult to compose condolence notes that convey their sympathy. And while the note itself is challenging, I think it can be even harder to figure out a meaningful way to close.

​Here are ten ideas:


  1. May love and your beautiful memories sustain you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
  2. I, too, will remember your father with much affection.
  3. I don’t have much wisdom to share. I just want you to know that you are thought of and cared for. Be kind to yourself and give your dear husband and children a hug from me.
  4. May your beautiful memories bring you peace and comfort.
  5. Please accept my deepest sympathy on your loss. You are in my heart and prayers.
  6. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.
  7. We are thinking of you constantly. May your daughter’s memory forever be a blessing.
  8. May your fondest memories of him comfort you always.
  9. We hope that knowing that our love and thoughts are with you will give you some comfort in the days and months ahead.
  10. You and your dear family have my heartfelt and sincerest condolences.
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Writing with empathy

11/6/2017

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When it’s time to offer condolences, we send sympathy cards and sympathy notes. The very word sympathy connotes a sense or feeling of compassion. The act of sending a sympathy card or condolence note is a way of sharing the loss with the bereaved.

Extending empathy is a bit more personal. Empathetic statements demonstrate that you possess the power to understand the feelings of others and that you identify with the bereaved.

I always think of empathy as the ability to put yourself in the shoes of someone else. Empathetic sympathy messages might include statements, such as:

  • I will never forget Molly’s smile.
  • Your mom had such a wonderful voice that I think of her every time I hear the choir.
  • It’s hard taking my walk without Kevin, but I use the time to think about the positive influence he had on my life.
  • You gave your dad such loving care and I know you meant the world to him.

When preparing to write in an empathetic style, it helps to ask yourself: “How would I feel if my ** died?” “What would make me feel better?” “What would comfort me?” Once you have your perspective on the loss, your note takes on a more personal tone.



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Timing your sympathy notes

6/11/2016

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When someone dies, our natural impulse is to immediately reach out and express our sympathy. Some of us can rise to the occasion and quickly craft a heartfelt condolence message. But if you need some time to do the job justice, take it. The bereaved get most attention in the early days and weeks, while they’re in shock and processing the loss, and most likely won’t remember much. It’s in the weeks and months ahead, when mourning takes place, that they might most appreciate a sympathy note from you. Here are five strategies for preparing notes of sympathy:

  1. Wait a day, a week, or a few weeks to digest the news and collect your thoughts before writing your note.
  2. Don’t do it all in one sitting.
  3. Draft your note first then edit, revise, and proof before writing your final note.
  4. Allow the note to sit for a day before mailing. Re-read it to ensure it reflects the true message you would like to convey.
  5. Include your address on the envelop to make it easy for the recipient to reach you, should they desire.

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    Robbie’s goal is to help her readers communicate effectively when their loved ones, neighbors, colleagues, and community members face difficult times. 

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Robbie Miller Kaplan
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