​A friend sent an email with sad news. A young family she socialized with was bereaved. The dad died unexpectedly from a heart attack and she didn’t know what to do. Should she call? And if she did, what should she say?

In troubling times, it can be hard to know what to do. Do you call or respect one’s privacy and give friends time to cope? Do you send an email and offer assistance? And if you do reach out and are rebuffed, do you back off or try again?

It’s always appropriate to reach out and offer assistance, but be specific. Do they need help in picking someone up from the airport, a meal, errands, or someone to stay with the children?

​One of the kindest things you can do for the bereaved is to show up. Offer to visit for a short time. Enter the home, turn your cell phone off, and store your belongings. Then pay attention and listen. You can offer to help, but let your friend guide the way. If it’s a chore or errand, step in. If it’s company they need, sit quietly and be present. Your active presence is what is needed most, right now and in the weeks and months ahead. 

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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​​photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/89165847@N00/16057342786">Teacher and Student 35 Years On</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/">(license)</a>

I learned to be comfortable with the bereaved because at a young age, I was the bereaved. I witnessed firsthand how young friends, their parents, my neighbors, teachers, school officials, relatives, and family friends treated and interacted with me upon learning of my father's death.

And yet it was my mom who taught me how to comfort the bereaved. She connected by phone, cooked a meal, visited the bereaved, and continued to help long past when others ceased to call. It was her model that I emulated and used to teach my own children: death is a part of life and the bereaved need our support.

Not everyone feels at ease comforting the bereaved. And if you’re not comfortable, how will you teach your child to be comfortable?

One of the ways to instill compassion in your child is to work on a comforting activity together. This is how my neighbor Susan did it.

Susan and her best friend Abby were pregnant at the same time. Susan’s baby, Lisa, was healthy; Abby’s baby, Beth, wasn’t. Beth was born with a disfiguring congenital defect for which there was no cure or repair and her parents were told that she had only months to live.

Susan and her daughter spent a lot of time with Abby and Beth as well as Abby’s older daughter Sara. When Beth died at age two, she had lived much longer than expected. Susan was a gifted writer and she chose to write the story of Beth’s life. She wanted big sister Sara to know that despite Beth’s disfiguring illness, she was much loved and during her short time on earth, her life was meaningful and she made a difference.

While working on the project, Susan shared what she was doing with her daughter Lisa and Lisa colored the illustrations Susan had drawn. Together, Susan and Lisa presented the book to Abby and Sara. Abby has shared that during the five years since Beth’s death Sara continues to get comfort from the book. She shares it with new friends as it is a comfortable way to tell the story of Beth’s short life and death.

Since Beth’s death, Susan has used her writing talents on several occasions. She has written stories and poems for friends and loved ones who are bereaved. Now, Lisa offers to draw the illustrations. She’s learned firsthand from a compassionate mom how to be compassionate too.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store

Image: stock.xchng/kslyesmith

Copyright Legacy.com  Used with permission

It happens in all of our communities - mass killings at churches, schools, shopping centers, movie theaters, and far too many locations where we used to feel safe. Nothing in life prepares us for the traumatic experience of violent crime. Although violent crime rates have declined slightly in recent years, according to the FBI there has been an increase in active shooter incidents from 17 in 2013 to 20 in both 2014 and 2015.  

Victims of violence and their families and friends experience crisis reactions; the levels of extremes will differ from person to person based on their personal situation at the time of the crime, the impact of the crime, and resulting injuries. As each person is unique, so are victim reactions, responses, and recovery. It is impossible to compare one experience, response, or recovery to another.

How the victim of a crime and their loved ones are treated immediately following the crime can impact their ability to cope and recover. They will need to know what comes next by way of the crime investigation and the resulting criminal justice process.

In times of crisis, friends, acquaintances, and loved ones willingly provide support. But support wanes along with the months, and it is easy to lose patience as time passes. You can play a pivotal role in the recovery process by remaining a presence in their life—no matter how long it takes. As Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”

What to say and do:

• Express sympathy and sorrow for what has happened.
• Anyone who has lost a loved one to a violent crime will need your caring patience. It takes a long time to heal, and they will need your support during the process.
• Anger is a natural response to a violent crime. Listen with patience; the victim of crime is not looking for answers but an opportunity to vent their anger.
• Recognize that they will grieve in their own way.
• Do communicate your willingness to support the victim of crime in whatever ways you can. Individuals who have someone to lean on increase their chances of healing from the trauma.
• Offer to help with basic necessities—grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, food preparation, child care, and carpooling—as they might find it impossible to resume their normal housekeeping and caregiver tasks.
• Encourage them to participate in the judicial process to restore a sense of control.
• Offer to listen. The individual will need to tell their story over and over again to process what has happened.
• Allow them to grieve in their own way.
• Encourage them to express their grief and sorrow for as long as they need.
• Do continue to keep in touch with them and remember them during significant dates and difficult periods, such as the anniversary of the crime, a birthday, or holidays.

Suggestions on what to say:

• I am here for you when you need me.
• I care about you and will support you however you might need me.
• I have never experienced this before; please let me know how I can help you.
• I will always be your friend; nothing can change that.
• I will miss him (her), too.
• I’d like to help in any way I can.
• It’s not your fault.
• This was a terrible crime, and I am sorry it happened to you.
• What you are feeling is normal.
• You can talk to me at any time.
• You did the best you could.
• You were in no way to blame for what happened.

Adapted from How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say© by Robbie Miller Kaplan. All rights reserved.

My friend’s dad died several years ago but she thinks of him often; his golf hat and golf clubs are a constant reminder. She stores them where they’re visible and she smiles when she walks by. A cousin wore his dad’s coat the first winter following his father’s death and a friend found great comfort using her mom’s handbag while she grieved her loss.

These stories made me think of my grandma. She was constantly in the kitchen and she always wore an apron. I wear an apron too and every time my hands reach behind my back to tie the bow, I think of my grandma. And I’ve continued her legacy by giving every family member an apron.

These tangible reminders are what keep our loved ones close and a continued part of our lives.

I was reminded of this when we recently celebrated my daughter’s birthday at a restaurant. All grown up, I was surprised she wanted us to sing the family birthday song. The song dates back to my mom’s camping days. She made it a part of our family’s celebrations and I’ve passed it on to mine. My husband, daughter, and I tried to sing quietly, clinking our glasses on cue. I thought how special it was that my mother’s legacy is still very much a part of our lives and I have every confidence that my daughter will pass it on to another generation.

Here are some ways to keep your memories alive, not just for you but for generations to come:

1. Display photographs where you can see them often. And use them as a springboard for telling stories to family members and friends.

2. Prepare and integrate family recipes into your daily life and holidays and let everyone know their origin.

3. Offer copies of your loved one’s recipes. When I share a recipe from my mom, I always put her name in the recipe title and it gives me added pleasure. And I have recipes in my personal cookbook that bear the name of my friends’ loved ones.

4. Use a family heirloom, such as a serving piece, at holiday gatherings, reminding your family of its history and all the occasions it’s served.

5. Pass on family heirlooms to family members who will use and treasure both the item and the memory.

6. Tell stories and tell them often. Your personal stories will become part of your family’s history.

7. Copy documents, such as passports, naturalization papers, letters, marriage, and death certificates. Distribute them to other family members to preserve and cherish your loved ones.

8. Document personal history and memories, creating and preserving your family's story, to be passed down to generations to come.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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A friend called, her voice filled with despair. Her dad’s cancer had returned and he was back in the hospital. I automatically responded, “What can I do to help?” She asked if I would go to the hospital on Saturday morning to keep her mom company so she could run her errands. I agreed and was glad I had the opportunity to visit her dad, as he died ten days later.

But the visit itself took a toll; my mom had died the year before and I found the hospital a stark reminder of what I’d lost. Since then, I’m more careful in how I offer my help so I won’t be doing tasks that I’d rather not do.

Many people are reluctant to help because they too find certain tasks uncomfortable. But when our friends and loved ones face tough times, it’s important for us to step in and help. So how do you find a way to make a difference that fits with your comfort zone?

I’ve learned that it’s not the grand gestures, but the simple things that often make a difference. Find one thing you like to do and make it your signature endeavor. Whether it’s a pot of soup, a vegetarian casserole that can sit in the refrigerator for a few days, a call before running your own errands to the pharmacy or hardware store to see if you can pick something up, or the delivery of a rotisserie chicken and a bag of salad after you do your own grocery shopping. What can you integrate into your own life and schedule that you can offer to do for someone else? And if it works, offer to do the same thing for everyone.

If all else fails, personal notes during and after a difficult time are always appreciated. So are phone calls and invitations. Your act of kindness can make the difference in moving someone forward and through the healing process. And no doubt, your model of kindness will inspire others.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

​We’re often shocked and hurt by insensitive and inappropriate things people say and do. But lots of people get it right and seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to supporting and comforting the sick and bereaved. One of these real-life kindnesses might inspire you to make a difference too: 

• “In the year since my husband died, my daughter gives me a surprise every month on the anniversary of his death. It might be a candy bar on my pillow or a scarf on the front seat of my car. One month she was out of town and I found flowers on my dresser; she instructed her husband to come to the house on his lunch break so I would find something special when I returned from work. Her thoughtfulness has lightened my heart during this difficult year.”

• “My mother-in-law arrived a few minutes after I returned home from the hospital after my miscarriage. I told her I wasn’t up for entertaining. She told me to rest and she sat by my bed to keep me company. She said nothing all afternoon, just sat by my bed. It was the nicest and most caring thing she’s ever done for me.”

• “The year after my mother died, my husband had surgery for cancer. My kids were teenagers and I had no one to lean on – it was just me and the stress was overwhelming. I spoke to my sister and told her how stressed I was. She told me to call her to vent anytime and said, “Just pretend I’m mom.”

• “My husband was terminally ill and my two sisters and their husbands were flying in from out of town for the day so they could see him one last time. My colleagues wanted to help out so they provided lunch, a platter of sandwiches and drinks. It made the day so much easier.”

• “My baby died eight months into my pregnancy. My good friend accompanied me to the hospital where they induced labor. Every year on that date, she sends me a bouquet of flowers.”

• “When my mother-in-law passed away, my daughter’s three roommates drove from college to pay their respects at her wake. They then had to drive back for classes the next day. They did this for my daughter and their ‘honorary parents.’ That was seven years ago and I have never forgotten the gesture.”

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Image Source: stock.xchng/bjearwicke

​copyright Legacy.com  Used with permission

When friends and family need support it can be hard to know what to say. A friend confides, “It doesn’t matter what’s wrong; I just feel their stress and I’m at a loss for words.”

My friend isn’t alone. I don’t know anyone who feels perfectly comfortable dealing with a difficult situation. When emotions are running high, it’s hard not to feel them yourself. Despite past experiences or even training, it’s tough to function in a stressful environment without being impacted by the stress yourself.

It's while feeling stress that it is easy to say the wrong thing. So what can you do to extend support? You can help best by listening. The sick, bereaved, or troubled friend or family member needs to articulate how they feel. It is a blessing if you can provide that outlet. Many people find comfort knowing that someone cares enough to hear them out and allows them to articulate their grief, sadness, disappointment, and a myriad of other feelings. It is through telling our stories that we often make sense of what is happening in our lives.

In the end, it’s not often what we say, but what we do.

While it’s tough to be sick we are often reluctant to ask for help as it’s difficult to admit that we’re having trouble managing our affairs. And yet there are times when we all face illnesses and treatments that are draining and overwhelming, making it hard to cope.

If you have a friend or loved one who is injured, sick, or in treatment, here are some ideas to help them out: 

1. Offer to bring lunch or dinner. Home cooked meals are always appreciated but if you are not up to cooking, ask if they have a favorite food outlet and something specific they like to order. Then you place the order, pick it up, and deliver.

2. Be specific in extending an offer. Or, if you issue a blanket, “What can I do to help,” be prepared to do whatever is requested. 

3. Friends or family members can only take so much time off from work for appointments. Offer transportation and companionship for treatments or physician appointments. It might even take the edge off the day with a stop for coffee or lunch.

4. Someone who is ill or recuperating might not have the time or the energy to shop for needed items. You can handle the transaction or, ask them to contact the store, make the transaction, and you pick it up.

5. Ask if they would like you to pick up an item (or items) each time you do your own grocery shopping, whether it’s a rotisserie chicken or milk. Or, call before running your own errands to see if they need anything at the stores you plan to visit.

If you’re still having a hard time figuring out how you can help, ask.  A little guidance from friends and loved ones will give you the satisfaction of providing help that is needed and appreciated.


Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.