While it’s tough to be sick we are often reluctant to ask for help as it’s difficult to admit that we’re having trouble managing our affairs. And yet there are times when we all face illnesses and treatments that are draining and overwhelming, making it hard to cope.

If you have a friend or loved one who is injured, sick, or in treatment, here are some ideas to help them out: 

1. Offer to bring lunch or dinner. Home cooked meals are always appreciated but if you are not up to cooking, ask if they have a favorite food outlet and something specific they like to order. Then you place the order, pick it up, and deliver.

2. Be specific in extending an offer. Or, if you issue a blanket, “What can I do to help,” be prepared to do whatever is requested. 

3. Friends or family members can only take so much time off from work for appointments. Offer transportation and companionship for treatments or physician appointments. It might even take the edge off the day with a stop for coffee or lunch.

4. Someone who is ill or recuperating might not have the time or the energy to shop for needed items. You can handle the transaction or, ask them to contact the store, make the transaction, and you pick it up.

5. Ask if they would like you to pick up an item (or items) each time you do your own grocery shopping, whether it’s a rotisserie chicken or milk. Or, call before running your own errands to see if they need anything at the stores you plan to visit.

If you’re still having a hard time figuring out how you can help, ask.  A little guidance from friends and loved ones will give you the satisfaction of providing help that is needed and appreciated.


Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

When we hear sad news, we want to help, but often, we don’t know how. Instead of figuring out a way to help, we might ask to, “Call me if you need anything.” Individuals facing a difficult experience don’t have the energy to call. So here are simple things you can do to help someone facing a tough time:

1. Instead of asking if you can bring a meal, ask what day would work best for you to bring dinner. And then do it. It doesn’t have to be homemade.

2. If someone is facing a prolonged period and they will need support for some time, ask if you can bring a rotisserie chicken and a vegetable every Tuesday (or whatever day is convenient for you and the recipient). This serves two purposes; sustenance and a semblance of routine in an unstable period.

3. Check in regularly with whatever vehicle works; telephone, text, or email. The intent is to communicate that you are thinking of them and checking in.

4. If you are running errands, call to see if you can run an errand for them as well. One less errand can ease an already stressful day.

5. Do consider indulging in small kindnesses by way of a handling a chore or a providing a treat. Just knowing that someone is thinking about you can brighten a tough day.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Image via Flickr Creative Commons / lusi

We often wonder how we can possibly make a difference in the life of someone with a frightening diagnosis, dealing with illness or treatment, or mourning the death of their loved one. And yet there is something powerful we can do that costs nothing but our time. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone facing difficulty is the willingness to listen.

Listening doesn't come easy. It is a skill, just like speaking and writing, and like any skill, you need to practice: The more you practice, the better you become.

We each have the ability to give this all-important gift – our time and attention. Here are some strategies to help you become a better listener: 

1. Choose a private and comfortable place to talk.

2. Disregard your own feelings and thoughts and focus solely on the speaker.

3. Look directly at the speaker.

4. Avoid interruptions and don't talk.

5. Demonstrate warmth in your voice and your facial expressions.

6. Change position if you find your mind wandering or feel you are slipping away. 

7. Stay calm and be patient. 

8. Keep in mind that your attentive listening is better than anything you could possibly say.

Years ago, a friend’s mother died. My friend shared the time and place of the visitation and yet I chose not to attend. I had good excuses; I was living in a large city and was unfamiliar with the part of town where the visitation was held. Also, my faith does not hold visitations and I had no idea what to expect. Instead, I wrote a condolence note and I stayed away. The day after the visitation, before my note arrived, my friend called. During our conversation, she told me that an acquaintance from work had showed up at the visitation. She shared that even though they weren’t friends, she had embraced her warmly and was so glad to see her.

The experience taught me the importance of making that initial connection with friends and loved ones following a death. It’s like breaking the ice in any situation; it may feel very awkward at first, but once you make contact, communication becomes easier.

For example, a member of my congregation experienced a terrible loss. Several weeks after his wife’s death, I saw him sitting alone before services. I approached him and gave him a hug and told him how sorry I was for his loss. When I returned to my seat, other members of the congregation followed my lead. It appeared as if they needed someone to show them that it was okay to make contact.

So how do you break the ice? And is it always okay to give a hug? If you are physically nearby, show your support by attending the visitation, the funeral or memorial service, and the reception. And speak to the bereaved. If the family is accepting visitors at home, pay your respects. If you are uncertain about whether it’s appropriate to give a hug, it might be best to ask, “Is it okay to give you a hug?” as not everyone is receptive. Condolence messages, whether by card or note, as well as donations are always appreciated.

But what if you are neither nearby nor close to the bereaved? It’s still appropriate to write a note or send a card. And if you’d like to remember the deceased with a donation, that’s okay, too.

Once you’ve broken the ice, your support in the days ahead will be welcome. You might make a phone call, just to say hello and let them know you’re thinking of them. If they don’t answer the phone, leave a short message. E-mail is also a great way to keep in touch. If you live nearby, you might visit. The most helpful thing you can do is keep in touch.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store

What can you do when a child dies and you want to keep their memory alive? That's what one mom asked. She was deep in grief and she didn’t want her little girl forgotten. She wanted her daughter to remain a part of her life, but she was in so much pain, she couldn't figure out how to do it.

When our son and daughter died in infancy, my husband and I also searched for ways to remember and honor their memory. We donated a rocking chair to the children's hospital where they were treated because there were never enough rocking chairs. It bore a plaque that stated it was in our children's memory and the doctors told us that they thought of us whenever they used the chair. We also donated children's books to a library and had a label affixed in memory of our children. And we  established and donated to a research fund at the hospital where they were treated.

In Elizabeth Edwards' book, "Saving Graces," she shares a number of things she did to keep her teenage son Wade's memory and spirit alive. She donated funds to create a computer lab in his memory at a local school and she also volunteered there. To remember Wade on the first anniversary of his death, she worked with a local ice cream store and prepaid for a number of cones. She then printed vouchers for a free ice cone in Wade’s memory that she distributed to children on the anniversary of his death.

A reader shared something similar; she ordered from a fast food restaurant and when it was time to pay, she was told her bill had been paid for. She was given a certificate that said she had been gifted with a random act of kindness in memory of a deceased child. It included a website that was a memorial to the child. The same reader shared that a friend’s family made magnets to remember their beloved daughter and sister. They chose a quote: “Remember Cathy and live life with a shout not a whisper.” They had the quotes printed on regular printer paper and used magnet kits purchased at office supply stores. Family members keep the magnets on their refrigerators and it gives them an opportunity to think and talk about Cathy.

If you, too, are aware of creative ways to keep your loved one’s memory alive, please share them with us.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store

My grandma died at 97 and I was heartbroken. It was partially because she helped raise me and I adored her, but it was also unexpected.

“Unexpected?” you might say, and some people did. But she didn’t die at an age that was expected of her generation. She had outlived so many peers and younger relatives, I was sure she would live to be 100.

What difference should it make how old someone is when they die? Shouldn’t we extend to the bereaved the same sympathy and level of support, no matter how old or young the deceased?

In retrospect, I didn’t get much sympathy when my grandma died. One colleague said upon hearing of her death and her age, “Didn’t you expect her to die Robbie?”

Just because someone has lived a long life, does that mean the loss is any less painful? No matter how old someone is when they die, the bereaved deserve the same consideration you would extend to anyone who has lost a loved one. Age doesn’t diminish the pain of loss and the mourning process is still the same.

​Photo courtesy of author

When friends and loved face difficult times we offer support. But what happens when you live far away? Do you explore alternative ways to extend support or tell them, “I wish I lived closer so I could be supportive.”  

There’s much you can do to show support from afar, and you can still make a difference in helping friends and loved ones deal with illness and loss. What you choose to do depends on your willingness to be involved and the needs or desires of your loved one.

Here are some ideas of what’s worked for others:

1. Take your cues on telephone calls as they might disturb both privacy and routines. Ask, “Is it okay if I call on Sunday? What would be a good time?” And then make sure you do call so they’re not waiting and disappointed.

2. If it’s okay to call, you might choose a day of the week and a specific time, checking in weekly to let them know they are in your thoughts.

3. If they prefer you not call, use email or text as a way to communicate. It’s not intrusive and it allows the recipient to read and respond at their leisure. And it also lets them know they’re not forgotten.

4. Ask if there’s something specific you can do to help; you can conduct online research or ask for a contact list so you can call others with updates.

5. Mail a package of goodies every other week or once a month. You can get a small, flat rate box from the postal service and fill it with homemade or store bought cookies or treats.

6. Ask if there is a favorite take-out food outlet or use an app to locate nearby restaurants that deliver. Buy a gift card for a dinner; its one less night they have to worry about a meal.

7. There are many businesses you can find online that ship meals and other food products. You can order a dinner or brunch, gift baskets, breads, fruits, and pretty much anything else you can imagine. 

8. Many websites offer online gift cards that they will send by email, allowing your recipient to select items themselves that would be helpful.

You are only limited by your imagination. The effort you make will mean so much to someone feeling so alone. And you’ll feel good in the process.

The words sympathy and empathy are often thought to be the same, and yet they are distinct expressions.

In times of death, we often extend sympathy by sharing our sorrow for what’s happened. Sympathy cards are often synonymous with condolence messages. When offering sympathy, we’re expressing concern for another’s feelings. Sympathy cards, condolence notes, phone calls, e-mails, meals, and offers of assistance are all expressions of sympathy.

But you don’t offer empathy, you feel it. Empathy is the act of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. It’s trying to imagine: “How would I feel if this happened to me?” And it’s the ability to act on those feelings. When being empathetic, we extend our concern by offering compassion so the bereaved feel validated; that someone has a sense of what has happened and how they might be feeling.

I think it’s easier to extend sympathy. We all know to attend the funeral, participate in mourning rituals, send a condolence card, make a donation, and keep in touch. Empathy is harder; it’s taking the time to think carefully while trying to understand how you might feel if this happened to you and what might bring you comfort.

Listening is a good example of empathy and we all know how difficult it is to simply pay close attention to what is being said, without adding our personal feelings or thoughts. It takes patience to hear the same story over and over again, but it is an empathetic and meaningful thing to do.

When I think back to some of the stories that the bereaved have shared, it’s easy to discern the differences. One mother wrote that at her child’s funeral, she sat all by herself with her surviving child; everyone else, including her ex-husband, sat behind her. If someone had taken a seat next to her, that would have been empathetic. A grieving daughter shared that she had to make the arrangements for her father’s funeral and reception by herself. Relatives weren’t happy with her choices and complained to her at a time of painful loss. Empathetic folks would have helped; those that couldn’t help would have accepted what she was capable of doing and extended comfort.

We’ll all experience loss: Would you prefer someone extend you sympathy or empathy?

It’s hard to know how to help the bereaved so friends and loved ones might think it appropriate to ask the bereaved to call if they need anything. While the sentiment is sincere, asking, “Please call me,” places a burden on someone grieving a loss; someone who can barely muster the energy to get out of bed in the morning.

The bereaved won’t call. Mourners are too drained to take the initiative, don’t know what to ask for, or don’t know what someone is willing to do. And what if the bereaved do take the initiative to call and ask for help? Chances are friends or loved ones won’t be available exactly when assistance is needed. And the last thing someone grieving a loss needs is to ask for help and be turned down.

So how do friends and loved ones reach out and extend the needed support?

1. Offer something that’s comfortable for you to do. Suggest dropping off a dinner on Thursday or Friday and ask, “Which day is best?” One friend makes a point of calling before heading out to the grocery or pharmacy to see if the bereaved has errands that she can run with her own.  

2. Make your offer specific.  For example, communicate which day you have free time and volunteer to come visit, help, or run an errand. One friend made a standing offer of two free hours every Tuesday, helping the bereaved organize the mail and answer correspondence. Another friend stayed in the house and watched the children for a few hours, allowing the bereaved uninterrupted time to handle chores.

3. If doing something anonymous is more comfortable, drop off a gift. Neighbors grieving a loss were appreciative of a dozen bagels left on their doorstep. Another friend was touched to arrive home and find a home-baked banana bread in the mailbox.

The bereaved will need much support in the short- and long-term. Whatever specific help you can extend will be appreciated.

The news was horribly sad: The mother of my daughter’s best friend was terminally ill and in hospice care. She and her husband had retired two years ago and relocated to a community nestled in the Blue Ridge Mountains. It was a new beginning with different friends and adventures awaiting; now, she has just a few weeks to live.

My daughter is frightened. Two of her closest friends will now be motherless. I cannot assure her that this won’t happen to her; it will, eventually. What I can do is encourage her to live her life fully, with as few regrets as possible.

It’s a new year full of possibilities. Yet none of us truly knows what the year has in store for us. We can follow the healthiest of life’s guidelines, but that will not necessarily protect us from harm.
The adage is to live your life as if each day were your last. That is not only tough to do, for along with it comes too much pressure. So what can we do to feel as if we are living our lives richly and fully?

1. For starters, be cognizant of what is important to you. Ask yourself, “What do I value, and am I living my life in a way that respects those principles?” If not, you have an opportunity to identify and establish ways to honor your values and make your life more meaningful.
2. Be present in your life. Tune out all distractions to focus on the book you are reading, conversations with family and friends, physical movement, the outdoors, and just to enjoy your environment.
3. Pay attention to technology. It makes our lives easier and gives us greater access to connect with information and people, but it monopolizes our precious time and can infringe on our relationships. Feel free to turn it off regularly.
4. Lastly, set aside time each day for play. We define play as activities that you enjoy so much that you lose track of time. Even a half hour of daily play goes a long way in enhancing your pleasure and well being.  ​

​Copyright Legacy.com. Used with permission.