My grandma died at 97 and I was heartbroken. It was partially because she helped raise me and I adored her, but it was also unexpected.

“Unexpected?” you might say, and some people did. But she didn’t die at an age that was expected of her generation. She had outlived so many peers and younger relatives, I was sure she would live to be 100.

What difference should it make how old someone is when they die? Shouldn’t we extend to the bereaved the same sympathy and level of support, no matter how old or young the deceased?

In retrospect, I didn’t get much sympathy when my grandma died. One colleague said upon hearing of her death and her age, “Didn’t you expect her to die Robbie?”

Just because someone has lived a long life, does that mean the loss is any less painful? No matter how old someone is when they die, the bereaved deserve the same consideration you would extend to anyone who has lost a loved one. Age doesn’t diminish the pain of loss and the mourning process is still the same.

​Photo courtesy of author

When friends and loved face difficult times we offer support. But what happens when you live far away? Do you explore alternative ways to extend support or tell them, “I wish I lived closer so I could be supportive.”  

There’s much you can do to show support from afar, and you can still make a difference in helping friends and loved ones deal with illness and loss. What you choose to do depends on your willingness to be involved and the needs or desires of your loved one.

Here are some ideas of what’s worked for others:

1. Take your cues on telephone calls as they might disturb both privacy and routines. Ask, “Is it okay if I call on Sunday? What would be a good time?” And then make sure you do call so they’re not waiting and disappointed.

2. If it’s okay to call, you might choose a day of the week and a specific time, checking in weekly to let them know they are in your thoughts.

3. If they prefer you not call, use email or text as a way to communicate. It’s not intrusive and it allows the recipient to read and respond at their leisure. And it also lets them know they’re not forgotten.

4. Ask if there’s something specific you can do to help; you can conduct online research or ask for a contact list so you can call others with updates.

5. Mail a package of goodies every other week or once a month. You can get a small, flat rate box from the postal service and fill it with homemade or store bought cookies or treats.

6. Ask if there is a favorite take-out food outlet or use an app to locate nearby restaurants that deliver. Buy a gift card for a dinner; its one less night they have to worry about a meal.

7. There are many businesses you can find online that ship meals and other food products. You can order a dinner or brunch, gift baskets, breads, fruits, and pretty much anything else you can imagine. 

8. Many websites offer online gift cards that they will send by email, allowing your recipient to select items themselves that would be helpful.

You are only limited by your imagination. The effort you make will mean so much to someone feeling so alone. And you’ll feel good in the process.

It’s hard to know how to help the bereaved so friends and loved ones might think it appropriate to ask the bereaved to call if they need anything. While the sentiment is sincere, asking, “Please call me,” places a burden on someone grieving a loss; someone who can barely muster the energy to get out of bed in the morning.

The bereaved won’t call. Mourners are too drained to take the initiative, don’t know what to ask for, or don’t know what someone is willing to do. And what if the bereaved do take the initiative to call and ask for help? Chances are friends or loved ones won’t be available exactly when assistance is needed. And the last thing someone grieving a loss needs is to ask for help and be turned down.

So how do friends and loved ones reach out and extend the needed support?

1. Offer something that’s comfortable for you to do. Suggest dropping off a dinner on Thursday or Friday and ask, “Which day is best?” One friend makes a point of calling before heading out to the grocery or pharmacy to see if the bereaved has errands that she can run with her own.  

2. Make your offer specific.  For example, communicate which day you have free time and volunteer to come visit, help, or run an errand. One friend made a standing offer of two free hours every Tuesday, helping the bereaved organize the mail and answer correspondence. Another friend stayed in the house and watched the children for a few hours, allowing the bereaved uninterrupted time to handle chores.

3. If doing something anonymous is more comfortable, drop off a gift. Neighbors grieving a loss were appreciative of a dozen bagels left on their doorstep. Another friend was touched to arrive home and find a home-baked banana bread in the mailbox.

The bereaved will need much support in the short- and long-term. Whatever specific help you can extend will be appreciated.

My daughter inherited my mother’s strand of pearls. They were housed in a worn silk case and I replaced it with one of mine, more worthy of the cherished heirloom. I was then faced with the dilemma; what to do with the silk case that my mother’s hands touched every time she wore her beloved pearls?

Mourning my mother’s death, I could not part with the case and stored it in my handbag. For months I felt a sense of warmth every time my fingers came in contact with the case. Eventually I changed handbags and removed the case, now all but forgotten.

Last month I was cleaning out storage boxes and came across two family heirlooms. While removing them from the box I unearthed the worn silk case. I thought, so that’s where I put it. Obviously I could not part with it over the past fifteen years, but what do I do with it now?

We are all faced with these dilemmas. Not everything that belonged to a deceased loved one is a cherished heirloom. But, the items that our loved ones frequently used become the vivid reminders of who they were and what we lost and many are hard to discard. One friend kept a coat and another a wallet; others wore sweaters, tee shirts, and even a bathrobe. We wear and use them to sustain the connection or to feel them close one more time. At some point, they become even more faded, worn, and tattered, and then what do we do?

My mother gave my family a gift; she donated and organized the remainder of her belongings and left a meticulous estate. I want to do the same so I have begun to have periodic meetings with my daughters. I feel it is a gift to them if we can sort through possessions while I’m still able. I share the story behind specific items and they let me know if they would like it now, later, or never. I can then either pass it to them, someone else, or donate.

It brings me pleasure to see others use treasured objects and I feel comfortable in a more tidy home. Cleaning a closet, drawer, or storage box can be a positive way to end a year and start a new one.  

Image: Flickr Creative Commons/Christina Ann VanMeter

Copyright Legacy.com  Used with permission

What’s not to like about the holidays? The vibrant colors, favorite foods, visits with loved ones, opportunities to reminisce, and wonderful smells of the season. Holidays are full of tradition, packed with memories, and bring so much pleasure. For all these reasons, holidays can be a minefield for the bereaved, leaving them feeling sad, left out, and lonely.  
Is there something you can do that will lift the sadness and make them feel better? While the bereaved need to mourn their loss, there are ways you can make them feel less isolated and more connected. 

1. Call
   It can be difficult for the bereaved to reach out, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to hear from you. Take the initiative and call. If no one answers, leave a message, for example: “Hi Beth it’s Amy. Just checking in to say hello. You can call me back or I will give you a call again. Looking forward to talking with you soon.”
2. Visit
   There is nothing like a personal visit to help someone isolated begin to regain their footing. Extend a concrete invitation with several dates, for example, connect with the bereaved by phone or email and suggest a visit with alternative dates. You can say, “I would like to visit with you and have time on Wednesday or Friday morning. Which works best for you?”
3. Listen
   Whether you call or visit, give the bereaved a chance to talk, and then listen. Put away your cell phone, face the bereaved, maintain eye contact, and actively listen. Nod as the conversation moves along and use encouraging phrases, such as: “I can see that,” “I understand,” or “that must be so hard.”
4. Write
   There is nothing like a note (postal or email) that says “Thinking of you.” You can write a short message, but the point of your note is to let the bereaved know they are well thought of and not forgotten.
5. Invite
   The bereaved may choose to shun the holiday celebrations, not feeling up to all the gaiety. But they might appreciate an invitation to a dinner at your home or out, morning or afternoon coffee, a walk, or a movie. Your goal is to provide some companionship and a change of scenery.
6. Include
   Ask the bereaved if they would like to participate in any holiday events. If not, think of other ways to include the bereaved that are not holiday-oriented. Ask them to join you while volunteering, attend a local lecture or concert, or take a walk.

Whatever you choose to do, your effort will help friends and loved ones grieving a loss know that they are not alone.

Copyright Legacy.com  Used with permission

With Hurricanes Harvey, Irma and Maria dominating the news, it’s easy to feel helpless in the wake of such personal tragedy. In this technology-driven world, we’re witnessing breaking news; reading, seeing and hearing first-hand how these disasters personally impact individuals and communities. Who can forget the faces of the heroes, carrying children through the flooded streets or rescuing the elderly and those trapped in flooded homes and apartments? Those interviewed after losing their loved ones, homes, schools and places of employment break our hearts.
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We’ve witnessed acts of courage, heroism and extensions of human kindness, but with such disaster, it’s hard to know what to say and do. Here are some ideas and thoughts on how to lend support following a natural disaster:

1. Empathy goes a long way in responding to such a catastrophe and Zig Ziglar said it best: “You never know when a moment and a few sincere words can have an impact on a life.” When you interact with survivors, volunteers, or anyone impacted by the disaster, acknowledge the loss and share your sadness. People feel comforted knowing you care.
2. Offer safe shelter. If you have room and know someone who has lost their home and has no place to go, sharing your space is a blessing. As reported on national news, a family whose home was intact invited strangers from a shelter to share their home. There are heartwarming stories of neighbors taking in neighbors and friends finding refuge with other friends. For more information on how you can open your home to those in need or how to help someone find emergency accommodations.
3. Towels and clean clothing are in demand (but confirm before sending) as well as baby diapers and wipes. So many survivors left their homes with nothing but the clothing on their backs. There will be a long-term need for comfortable clothing and sundry items. Watch the news programs and the media to see what else will be needed in the coming days. The Texas Tribune has an extensive and vetted list of Texas and national organizations that will provide necessities and could use all types of donations. The New York Times has a vetted list as well.
4. Communicate your availability. There is a tremendous need for volunteers within these hard-hit communities. The Coastal Bend Disaster Recovery Group has a volunteer registration by skills. National Voluntary Organizations Active in Disasters has an extensive list with links to their national  members who need volunteers and donations.
5. One of the most expedient ways to help is by making a donation, but be wary of scams. The FTC has published Advice for Helping Hurricane Harvey Victims where you’ll find suggestions on “Wise Giving After the Storm.” If you are looking to help someone through recovery there is a section “For Picking up the Pieces.” It’s safe to choose well-known national disaster relief organizations or use those recommended and listed on the websites of national news organizations or your local newspaper.
6. What can you do on a more personal level? If you are interacting with survivors, listen; allow them to cry or talk. Sharing their story, often over and over again, is a way for them to begin to make sense of what has happened as well as working through the healing process. If a survivor asks you for specific help, do your best to fulfill their wishes.
7. Don’t forget the children; they’ll need extra help in dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey. Tragic Times, Healing Words was originally prepared by Sesame Street Research for 9/11, but it offers relevant suggestions and guidelines for parents and caregivers on how to help children after a crisis. 

photo credit: The National Guard Texas National Guard via photopin (license)

Copyright Legacy.com  Used with permission

Death is unlike any other experience; no matter how often we are faced with it, we don’t necessarily get better at dealing with it. It never becomes easier or more comfortable to offer condolences or extend support to someone grieving a painful loss.

And no matter the circumstances, it’s crucial to communicate, despite your comfort level. Death and any loss are very isolating and staying away compounds the loss.

But what should you do when you’re truly at a loss for words? What do you say?

When bereaved myself, I saw a neighbor. She gave me a hug and said, “This must be such a difficult time. I don’t know what to say.” But she said it all; she validated what was happening in my life, let me know she cared by approaching and hugging me, and was honest in her feelings. And what she said and did was right on target.

I encourage everyone to reach out to someone facing a death, illness, or difficult time so individuals don’t face even more isolation. It’s okay to let someone know, “I don’t know what to say.” In reaching out, your actions speak volumes. You’re saying, “I know this is a difficult time and I care.” And that says a lot.

It’s been said, a friend walks in when others walk out. When times are truly tough, when the world feels like such an inhospitable place, that’s when our true friends step up. They step in when it seems everyone else steps out.

And why is that so? It just might be that our friends are going through their own ordeal when we’re going through ours. It could be they have never experienced what we’re experiencing and they haven’t a clue how to help. Our problems might be frightening or our issues too large. There might be a myriad of valid reasons why a friend can’t be there when they’re needed.

But somehow there always seems to be a friend who finds the time to listen and is willing to be supportive and lend a hand. Thank goodness for those friends.

A friend of mine recently met an acquaintance who thought she had the right to comment on a difficult experience my friend was going through. My friend was uncomfortable, so she tried to change the subject, twice; when this tactic failed, she abruptly ended the conversation and walked away.

What happens when a loved one, friend, or acquaintance says something truly inappropriate and crosses the line?

Some readers have shared that they feel blindsided, and speechless; and while the comments are uncomfortable and often hurt, they don’t know how to disengage or firmly end the conversation. Others shared a pre-planned reply, responding with something like, “How would you feel if someone said that to you?”

I’m not sure why people feel they have the right to make comments that express their thoughts on a personal trial that’s causing us pain. If you change the subject or walk away, you often still feel the sting of their words. And that pre-planned response? I tried it with someone and asked, “How would you feel if someone said that to you?” The person said they’d feel just fine so I’m not so sure the pre-planned reply is the way to go.

I’m going to suggest a new approach. When someone crosses the line and engages in a topic that makes you feel uncomfortable, you can say, “That’s something I don’t discuss.” If they press on, take your open hand, palm side down and lift your hand slightly as if to say “Stop;” and while making this gesture, say “Enough.” If you want to carry on the conversation, continue in another vein. Or, say, “It was good seeing you,” and move on.

Only you can decide when enough is enough.