It is hard to know how best to support friends and loved ones struggling with illness or those recently bereaved. Will you intrude if you call? What will you say if you visit? How can you possibly predict what might help?

Years ago, when my mom was seriously ill, I was her caregiver. Overwhelmed, far from home and my support system, I had to lean on my mother’s friends. And they came through with meals, transportation, companionship, and errands. As kind and caring as they were, it was one friend whose offers meant the most.

Each morning she would call and tell me when she had free time that day. It might have been between two and four or eleven and noon. Whatever time she had, she offered to stay at the house so I could leave and take care of anything I needed to do.

I can no longer remember this friend’s name, but I will never forget her kindness. She arrived on time and with a book. She’d read if my mom was asleep or keep her company if she was awake. If my mom needed anything, she was there to help.

This short, daily respite allowed me to run errands at the grocery, pharmacy, or the shopping mall, take a short walk, or stop and pick up something for lunch. It gave me an opportunity each day to take a breath, knowing my mother was in good hands.

After all these years, it’s this wondrous support that I remember most. And when I have the opportunity, I do it for others. Sometimes, you give the most when you give the gift of yourself.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
​

It doesn't matter how long it's been, the date a loved one died is a sad day. When that date occurs, however we choose to spend it, eventually we all remember and reflect on our loved one and the void their death created in our lives.

Grief is a lonely experience so it is very comforting when others remember our loss; even better when they share their memories. In another time I would have suggested we send a note acknowledging the loss, but in this day of social media and Facebook, there are easier ways to communicate our loss and engage others.

When the anniversary of my dear aunt approached, my cousin posted a wonderful photo of her and her mom and mentioned that it was the anniversary of her mom’s death. My cousin explained, “Most of my Facebook friends are either relatives or old friends who would have known my mom. So sharing a picture of us together, during a very happy time was a way to honor her memory in a happy way.”

Friends and family members immediately wrote loving messages on my cousin’s wall, detailing fond and specific memories of my aunt. Some posts acknowledged the loss and others reflected on personal qualities. My cousin found it all comforting and it eased her sadness on a difficult day.

Old photos trigger memories for all of us and Facebook makes them easy to share. I loved the photo of my cousin and aunt and it made me smile. It reminded me of the time I used a photo of my mother holding me as a baby to illustrate a Mother’s Day blog post. In my case a Facebook friend from high school wrote, “I remember your mom” and it made me feel good to know that she was remembered.

Not everyone is a fan of Facebook and mourning; the raw emotions connected to death can be hard to read. If a post of this nature makes you uncomfortable, it’s okay to ignore it. Or, you can simply connect by liking the post, or better yet, reaching out in person.

Whether you “like” it or not, Facebook is changing the way we mourn our losses.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Copyright Legacy.com.  Used with permission.

A recently bereaved sister was in a dilemma. Her brother’s friends and colleagues sent cards, flowers and gifts after his death and she wanted to acknowledge the caring gestures.  But she knew few of the individuals and puzzled over how to proceed.

It is very thoughtful to thank individuals for their kindness following a loss. Sympathy thank you notes are very personal and what you say depends on how you feel about writing the notes. Some individuals create a template and use the same format for all notes; other individuals write more personal messages and use the experience as an outlet for their grief. Either way is fine.

You can say something simple, for example: "Thank you so much for the flowers in Charlie’s memory. It was a very thoughtful way to remember him. Your kindness is appreciated." You can add: "Your caring gesture was helpful during this difficult time."

If you want to write more personal notes to friends, neighbors, or colleagues you can certainly let them know your loved one mentioned them many times and their friendship meant so much to them. Or, if individuals shared stories in their notes, you can let them know how much their note and thoughts of your loved one meant to you. Whatever strategy you take is fine; the most important thing is that you’re acknowledging others' kindnesses. And you are doing it for your loved one.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

While it’s tough to be sick we are often reluctant to ask for help as it’s difficult to admit that we’re having trouble managing our affairs. And yet there are times when we all face illnesses and treatments that are draining and overwhelming, making it hard to cope.

If you have a friend or loved one who is injured, sick, or in treatment, here are some ideas to help them out: 

1. Offer to bring lunch or dinner. Home cooked meals are always appreciated but if you are not up to cooking, ask if they have a favorite food outlet and something specific they like to order. Then you place the order, pick it up, and deliver.

2. Be specific in extending an offer. Or, if you issue a blanket, “What can I do to help,” be prepared to do whatever is requested. 

3. Friends or family members can only take so much time off from work for appointments. Offer transportation and companionship for treatments or physician appointments. It might even take the edge off the day with a stop for coffee or lunch.

4. Someone who is ill or recuperating might not have the time or the energy to shop for needed items. You can handle the transaction or, ask them to contact the store, make the transaction, and you pick it up.

5. Ask if they would like you to pick up an item (or items) each time you do your own grocery shopping, whether it’s a rotisserie chicken or milk. Or, call before running your own errands to see if they need anything at the stores you plan to visit.

If you’re still having a hard time figuring out how you can help, ask.  A little guidance from friends and loved ones will give you the satisfaction of providing help that is needed and appreciated.


Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

A neighbor wonders, “Is it too late to send a condolence note six months after a death?” I’m not aware of a statute of limitations when it comes to condolence notes, but how late is too late? Is it appropriate to send a note six months or even one year after a death?

One bereaved friend says it is never too late to express your condolences. “Your loved one is in your heart and mind every day and it is comforting to know that someone else is also thinking of them.”

Treat each case individually. Have you known about the death for many months and procrastinated? Or, did you just learn of a death, for example a high school or college friend, and wish to contact the parents or sibling(s)? Evaluate each case on its own merit. You might ask yourself, “What is it I want to say and what makes me want to reach out?”

The following example is a belated sympathy note you might write for a former classmate that died seven months ago:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hiller,

Please accept my apology for this delayed note, but I just learned of Paul’s death. I was unaware he was ill and I’m terribly saddened to hear of his untimely death. You both have my deepest sympathy.

Paul was an extraordinarily special person who touched many lives. I was so lucky to have him as a roommate freshman year and he made my transition to college much easier. We supported each other through many challenges and I’ll always be grateful for the integral part Paul played in my life.

Despite living on opposite coasts, Paul and I managed to retain our friendship and when we had time to spend together, it was if no time had elapsed between visits. I will miss our conversations and visits, but cherish all my memories.

You were wonderful parents and I always enjoyed your campus visits. You and Paul made a difference in my life and I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Warm regards,

Adapted from Legacy.com and used with permission

When we hear sad news, we want to help, but often, we don’t know how. Instead of figuring out a way to help, we might ask to, “Call me if you need anything.” Individuals facing a difficult experience don’t have the energy to call. So here are simple things you can do to help someone facing a tough time:

1. Instead of asking if you can bring a meal, ask what day would work best for you to bring dinner. And then do it. It doesn’t have to be homemade.

2. If someone is facing a prolonged period and they will need support for some time, ask if you can bring a rotisserie chicken and a vegetable every Tuesday (or whatever day is convenient for you and the recipient). This serves two purposes; sustenance and a semblance of routine in an unstable period.

3. Check in regularly with whatever vehicle works; telephone, text, or email. The intent is to communicate that you are thinking of them and checking in.

4. If you are running errands, call to see if you can run an errand for them as well. One less errand can ease an already stressful day.

5. Do consider indulging in small kindnesses by way of a handling a chore or a providing a treat. Just knowing that someone is thinking about you can brighten a tough day.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
​
Image via Flickr Creative Commons / lusi

I'm writing my last blog post of 2018 as a reminder - to you and to myself. We get so caught up in or own lives that it easy to forget others who might be ill, in treatment, facing a difficult time, or grieving a loss. We don't have the time to help everyone - but we do have the ability to reach out to someone. Is it worth fifteen or twenty minutes of  your time to make a difference?

Six  years ago I sat at my desk, sorting through papers when I saw the name of a friend at the top of my list. My friend had surgery and she’s been undergoing chemotherapy for the past two months. I periodically sent a card or called just to say hello but, I realized that morning that it had been a few weeks since I had checked in.

I made the phone call and had a nice chat. I learned that my friend was very uncomfortable and really just whiling away the days with little energy to pursue her normal routine. That’s where the cards and calls helped. She mentioned she gets a card now and then and she appreciates that someone has taken the time to let her know they’re thinking of her. I told myself to stop feeling guilty and made a plan to send a card the next week.

Cards and notes are easy to send and you don’t have to worry about disturbing someone as you may do with a phone call. Emails are great for keeping in touch but, there is something special about receiving a card or note in the mail.

Don’t spend too much time worrying about what to say in a note. A simple “I wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you” goes a long way and will make someone feel cared for. You can add “Book club or bridge is not the same without you” or “I miss crossing paths on my morning walk and look forward to seeing you soon.” 
 
My friend got better, or so I thought, and I stopped following up. She died one year ago. I miss seeing her and wish I could give her a call or send her a note. So make your call or send a note; your thoughtfulness will go a long way in brightening someone’s day.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

With families settled all over the country, even the world, it can be difficult to come together to mourn a death. That’s what happened to a friend when her nephew died in Alaska. Her immediate family was spread out on both coasts and a funeral in Alaska was logistically impossible. Her nephew’s death was a devastating loss to my friend, her husband, and their children. Their inability to attend funeral rituals left them without any sense of closure.

What can grieving families and friends do when many members are geographically scattered?

1. Hold a memorial service in another part of the country for friends and loved ones unable to attend the funeral. That’s what my family did when my mother died. My mother’s funeral was in California. My immediate family, local relatives, and friends who did not travel to the West coast for the funeral were able to share their loss, cherish my mother’s memory, and support me at a memorial service in my home.
2. Conduct an online memorial with your family via Skype or another form of group chat. Plan ahead with readings, stories, or photos, anything that will help family members interact, grieve, and feel some sense of closure.
3. Organize an event when you will all be together to remember and honor your loved one. You can plant a tree in their memory, all helping in the selection and planting. Or, you can be creative and make a donation to a place the deceased loved that is accessible for you to visit, such as having a plaque added to a bench in their memory at a favorite park or a tree planted in a public space.
4. Create an online scrapbook together using Shutterfly, Snapfish, or another online photo service. Use the same login so each member can add their personal photos and journal memorable stories and anecdotes. When you have completed the album, purchase a copy for each family member.
5. Choose an annual way for the family to honor your loved one when you are together that ties into your loved one’s passion, whether it is education, clean communities, or feeding the hungry.
6. Designate a day for all of you to light a memorial candle, either on the anniversary of their death or their birthday.

Do not allow distance to come between you and your grief. Look beyond traditional mourning rituals to find a strategy that helps you and your family grieve.


Adapted from Legacy.com.  Used with permission

There seem to be no conversational boundaries when it comes to death. The bereaved are often subjected to inappropriate comments and questions that can shock, hurt, or leave us speechless. We are often left wondering, how can friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, and even acquaintances say or ask that?

It can be especially stressful when someone you truly care about hurts you. A week after my mother died a friend inquired, “Do you think she knew she was going to die?” I hadn’t pondered that question, but after our conversation, I could think of little else. And as much as the question pained me, I never told my friend; I did not want to lose her friendship.

I’m not alone. It is very hard to articulate your feelings when mourning a loss and even harder to do it tactfully. Sometimes it is not just inappropriate conversation; there are people who just cannot understand our loss or our pattern of grief. It can become too difficult for them or us to continue the relationship while we mourn our loss. It is not uncommon for the bereaved to distance themselves or walk away from some friendships.
​
So, how can you handle inappropriate comments or questions?

• For starters it can be helpful to understand that most people genuinely feel sadness for you but, they just do not know what to say. Maybe they have never experienced a death so they have no way to put it into context. In their discomfort, something inappropriate pops out.
• If someone makes you uncomfortable, remove yourself. If you are on the phone say, “I hear someone at the door” or “Another call is coming in.” If you are in person say, “It’s good to see you” and then exit. Or, “I have some other business to attend to.”
• You can always draw a boundary and say, “I’m not prepared to discuss this.”  Most people will back off but, it takes a lot of energy to deal with difficult questions and energy is what most bereaved lack.
• Most important, surround yourself with supportive and understanding people while giving yourself the time and space to heal. There will always be understanding people who do know what to say and do, so gravitate to them.

***
Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.


Couple in a park photo via photopin (license)

copyright Legacy.com  Used with permission