While it might seem out of place to discuss money when it comes to a death, there are many financial decisions to make. There is one that you might not consider or  know what to do: Do you need to pay the clergy who presides over your family member's funeral or memorial service? The answer depends; was the clergy affiliated with your religious organization, arranged for by the funeral home, or did you solicit their services yourself?

If the funeral home arranged for the clergy, you may have already paid a fee in your funeral bill. When hiring clergy directly, most charge a fee and communicate this upfront. You may want to follow up to see if you’ve already paid a fee or if you need to handle this.

Clergy affiliated with religious organizations usually preside over funerals and memorial services for their members and do not expect a fee. But it’s prudent to check this out. It’s common to show your appreciation by way of donations in the name of the clergy to the religious organization or to their discretionary spending fund. Or, you may make a direct donation to an appropriate nonprofit organization, acknowledging the clergy’s support during your time of loss.

If the service and eulogy were particularly touching or the clergy helpful or caring, it’s very appropriate to write a personal note. Most people feel good knowing they’ve made a difference in someone’s life; clergy members who frequently deal with loss may especially appreciate hearing how they helped you during a difficult time.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.​​​​

We live in a multicultural age where many of us have family members from different faiths and nationalities. And yet when someone in our social circle or community dies and they’re from a different culture or faith, we often seem at a loss for what’s appropriate to do. If we ignore the religious and cultural rituals of the bereaved, we run the risk that our thoughtful gesture might cause confusion rather than solace.

For example, a friend was perplexed after his brother died. One of the many cards he received was a Mass card and it came from his brother’s colleague. My friend is Jewish and he didn’t know what a Mass card was and had no idea who to ask. Unless you are Catholic, you may not know what a Mass card is either. Members of the Catholic faith send Mass cards to let a bereaved family member know their loved one will be remembered and prayed for at a Catholic Mass. Mass cards can be purchased at a local parish but they are sometimes available by phone or online. The sender usually arranges for a date and time for a Mass to be said for the bereaved. While you don’t have to be Catholic for a Mass to be said for you, it is important to think how the bereaved recipient will feel getting a religious offering that is not of their faith. Or, like my friend, have no idea what the sympathy gesture represents.

I can remember how confused I was when attending my first visitation since my faith does not hold visitations nor do we have an open casket. The visitation was for a neighbor and I stood in line at the funeral home with another neighbor. I was able to ask what was expected and she quickly filled me in. When I approached the bereaved spouse, I took my cues. She was receiving visitors with her brother and she introduced me. I knew to express my condolences to them both and acknowledge the open casket to their left. After greeting a few other neighbors, I comfortably left the visitation.

While discussing this topic with another friend, she confided that her husband’s office made a mistake when a Jewish colleague’s spouse died. Not knowing Jewish mourning customs, the office sent flowers. It wasn’t until later that they learned that you do not send flowers when someone of the Jewish faith dies. Those who practice Judaism believe that flowers are for the living. It is more appropriate to honor the deceased by making a donation in their memory. 

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.​
Images via Wikimedia Commons, Cott 12


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It's a new decade and we all might wonder: What role do manners and civility play in our current culture? What if any standards do we uphold? We now live in a world where truly anything goes and that extends to appearance.

Knowing this, I’m still surprised at some of the things people wear. It was freezing last night and yet young children were wearing shorts and sandals at the mall. It's common to see jeans and sweatshirts at church and synagogue, shorts at a fine restaurant on a Saturday night, and flip flops for all occasions. But when it comes to funerals, most of us sense that there are some rules of protocol that should be followed.

A friend recently shared that she attended a funeral and was surprised that a teenage family member wore casual clothing and flip flops. I was shocked  myself when attending a funeral at Arlington National Cemetery to see the thirty-year old daughter of the deceased wearing a red low-cut dress that showed her cleavage. So it’s no wonder that those of us attending funerals might think, what should we wear? 

It's possible the bereaved family might set the tone for dress. A friends's mother died of breast cancer and they asked all funeral attendees to wear pink. If there are no directives from the family, it’s safe to err on the conservative side and avoid bright colors, bright prints, and anything flashy or glittery. Stay away from the casual and opt for something on the dressier side. You don’t have to stick to black but choose darker or muted colors, such as, grays, dark blues, or browns. Women can wear pants, skirts, blouses, jackets, sweaters, or dresses, opting for a pulled together look. No sneakers, flip flops or too casual shoes. Men can wear slacks, sport jackets, or suits, and appropriate footwear. The look you want is non obtrusive.

Funerals are not a time to be conspicuous; it’s a time to blend in with the other mourners.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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