When you see a friend, community member, or neighbor who’s just experienced a loss, what do you do? Do you walk in another direction, fearing you’ll say the wrong thing? Or, do you approach them? If so, what do you say?

If you avoid the bereaved because you are worried you’ll say the wrong thing, you risk hurting them. Loss is very isolating and if you deliberately keep your distance, you’ll isolate the bereaved even more.

It’s important to acknowledge the loss and a simple greeting is all that’s required. It could be a sincere, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or, “I was terribly sorry to hear the news about your mom.”  

Some people may think these expressions trite but in truth, you are terribly sorry for their loss. These words work because they’re sincere and simple. It’s when you try to elaborate with something of more substance that you often get into trouble and say the wrong thing.  

Recently, a friend encountered a truly awful loss. When I first saw her, “I’m so sorry for your loss” seemed inadequate. Instead, I hugged her close and said, “You’re in my heart.” As she hugged me back, I knew I chose the right thing to say. In the weeks and months ahead, there will be plenty of time to say more.

We often wonder how we can possibly make a difference in the life of someone with a frightening diagnosis, dealing with illness or treatment, or mourning the death of their loved one. And yet there is something powerful we can do that costs nothing but our time. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone facing difficulty is the willingness to listen.

Listening doesn't come easy. It is a skill, just like speaking and writing, and like any skill, you need to practice: The more you practice, the better you become.

We each have the ability to give this all-important gift – our time and attention. Here are some strategies to help you become a better listener: 

1. Choose a private and comfortable place to talk.

2. Disregard your own feelings and thoughts and focus solely on the speaker.

3. Look directly at the speaker.

4. Avoid interruptions and don't talk.

5. Demonstrate warmth in your voice and your facial expressions.

6. Change position if you find your mind wandering or feel you are slipping away. 

7. Stay calm and be patient. 

8. Keep in mind that your attentive listening is better than anything you could possibly say.

What is it about a miscarriage that makes it so difficult to say the right thing? Women who miscarry report that they’re frequently the target of callous and hurtful comments that dismiss or trivialize their loss. While the list of offenders includes friends, colleagues, and medical professionals, the worst culprits might surprise you; often family members, especially their own moms, mothers-in-law, sisters, and sisters-in-law.

One mom reported that most of her family members said hurtful things,  but one knew exactly what to do – listen. Her sister sat with her while she cried, listening carefully while she shared her feelings and pain. When she was finished, her sister repeated back to her what she’d said. In doing so, her sister communicated that she was listening and understood how the mom was feeling.

Here’s a list of what you should NEVER say after a miscarriage:

• It happened for a reason.

• There was probably something wrong with your baby.

• It's God's will.

• It was for the best.

• Now you have your own angel.

• At least you didn’t know the baby.

• You can try again.

• You can always have another.

• You already have two healthy kids.

• Be grateful for the children you have.

• I can imagine how you feel.

So what can you say? Be honest: “I’m so shocked, I just don’t know what to say” or “I know how much you wanted this baby and I’m so sorry.” Comfort them with: “I’m praying that your dreams will come true” or “You're going to be wonderful parents someday." Assure them: “I’m here for you” and make good on your promise. Extend a sincere offer: “What can I do to help?” and follow through on it.

It’s important to remember that a miscarriage is a death and should be treated as such. The mom and dad feel as awful as anyone feels following a death. It will take them awhile to recover and move on with their lives. Be patient with them. And watch what you say.

Many people draw a blank when it comes to crafting a sympathy note. It appears that a lot of thought or a lot of angst goes into writing a message of condolence.

Is a sympathy note harder to write than let’s say, a note of apology? Or a thank you note? All three types of notes have something in common; they all deal with emotion whether sorrow, sadness, or joy, and our goal is to convey the appropriate emotion.

But notes of sympathy aren’t just about emotion; You’re writing to someone who’s very sad and feels a horrific sense of loss. The goal in writing a condolence message is to provide some comfort during this painful period and that’s where the challenge comes in. How do you write a message that is truly going to comfort someone feeling deep pain?

The best notes of condolence come from the heart and if you can write one that conveys both your sadness and understanding of what it means to lose someone you love, chances are you'll write a thoughtful and memorable sympathy note.

But what if you are one of the many individuals who find that hard to do? Then do the best you can. Express how sorry you are for the loss. Let them know you are thinking of them. If you have a personal connection, communicate that you care. If you were acquainted with the deceased and have a memory, this is the time to share it.

If you acknowledge the loss and express your sympathy, than you’ve done what’s most important. And maybe that’s just enough.

It’s not easy comforting the bereaved. What can you possibly say to someone feeling so much pain? And yet it is important to speak with the bereaved at any funeral ritual, including the visitation, service, reception, or Shiva.

Sometimes it’s not just what you say, but how you say it. “I’m sorry for your loss” is a very common phrase when approaching the bereaved. There is nothing wrong with this statement, but how you say it can be meaningful or meaningless.

I recently attended a funeral and a reception where a colleague of the bereaved spouse approached his adult daughter. He extended his hand and said, “I’m sorry for your loss.” She had no idea who he was and it was awkward. It would have been more meaningful had he introduced himself and said something like, “I’m Peter Smith and I worked with your dad. I never met your mom, but heard wonderful things about her. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Touch can be comforting when consoling the bereaved, but respect boundaries. If you know someone is not a hugger, give a warm touch to the arm or hand while expressing your sympathy. If it’s okay, give a hug and share your sadness at their loss.

There is nothing magic you can say to alleviate the pain of loss, but being present and expressing sincere condolences does provide solace.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is a leading condolence expert. Keep up-to-date on her latest posts by following her on https://www.facebook.com/robbiemillerkaplan.

photo/Georgena Eggleston

Years ago, a friend’s mother died. My friend shared the time and place of the visitation and yet I chose not to attend. I had good excuses; I was living in a large city and was unfamiliar with the part of town where the visitation was held. Also, my faith does not hold visitations and I had no idea what to expect. Instead, I wrote a condolence note and I stayed away. The day after the visitation, before my note arrived, my friend called. During our conversation, she told me that an acquaintance from work had showed up at the visitation. She shared that even though they weren’t friends, she had embraced her warmly and was so glad to see her.

The experience taught me the importance of making that initial connection with friends and loved ones following a death. It’s like breaking the ice in any situation; it may feel very awkward at first, but once you make contact, communication becomes easier.

For example, a member of my congregation experienced a terrible loss. Several weeks after his wife’s death, I saw him sitting alone before services. I approached him and gave him a hug and told him how sorry I was for his loss. When I returned to my seat, other members of the congregation followed my lead. It appeared as if they needed someone to show them that it was okay to make contact.

So how do you break the ice? And is it always okay to give a hug? If you are physically nearby, show your support by attending the visitation, the funeral or memorial service, and the reception. And speak to the bereaved. If the family is accepting visitors at home, pay your respects. If you are uncertain about whether it’s appropriate to give a hug, it might be best to ask, “Is it okay to give you a hug?” as not everyone is receptive. Condolence messages, whether by card or note, as well as donations are always appreciated.

But what if you are neither nearby nor close to the bereaved? It’s still appropriate to write a note or send a card. And if you’d like to remember the deceased with a donation, that’s okay, too.

Once you’ve broken the ice, your support in the days ahead will be welcome. You might make a phone call, just to say hello and let them know you’re thinking of them. If they don’t answer the phone, leave a short message. E-mail is also a great way to keep in touch. If you live nearby, you might visit. The most helpful thing you can do is keep in touch.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store

What can you do when a child dies and you want to keep their memory alive? That's what one mom asked. She was deep in grief and she didn’t want her little girl forgotten. She wanted her daughter to remain a part of her life, but she was in so much pain, she couldn't figure out how to do it.

When our son and daughter died in infancy, my husband and I also searched for ways to remember and honor their memory. We donated a rocking chair to the children's hospital where they were treated because there were never enough rocking chairs. It bore a plaque that stated it was in our children's memory and the doctors told us that they thought of us whenever they used the chair. We also donated children's books to a library and had a label affixed in memory of our children. And we  established and donated to a research fund at the hospital where they were treated.

In Elizabeth Edwards' book, "Saving Graces," she shares a number of things she did to keep her teenage son Wade's memory and spirit alive. She donated funds to create a computer lab in his memory at a local school and she also volunteered there. To remember Wade on the first anniversary of his death, she worked with a local ice cream store and prepaid for a number of cones. She then printed vouchers for a free ice cone in Wade’s memory that she distributed to children on the anniversary of his death.

A reader shared something similar; she ordered from a fast food restaurant and when it was time to pay, she was told her bill had been paid for. She was given a certificate that said she had been gifted with a random act of kindness in memory of a deceased child. It included a website that was a memorial to the child. The same reader shared that a friend’s family made magnets to remember their beloved daughter and sister. They chose a quote: “Remember Cathy and live life with a shout not a whisper.” They had the quotes printed on regular printer paper and used magnet kits purchased at office supply stores. Family members keep the magnets on their refrigerators and it gives them an opportunity to think and talk about Cathy.

If you, too, are aware of creative ways to keep your loved one’s memory alive, please share them with us.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store

I thought I knew everything there was to know about grief. After all, I’d faced some terrible losses by my early thirties. And yet my mom’s death really shook me. The grief and sense of loss was devastating and I found it incredibly hard to pull myself together that first year.

From my experience, I’ve learned that every loss is different and one loss doesn’t necessarily prepare you for the next. Unlike other life experiences, the more practice you have doesn’t make you any more competent at coping nor does it make it easier. Grief isn’t like any other life event. It doesn’t matter how many times you go through it; each time is unique and each loss leaves a different void in your life.

That’s just one good reason to never say to the bereaved, “I know how you feel.” Because you can’t possibly know how someone feels. Just because you lost a mother, a child, or a spouse, your loss is unique to you. None of us knows the personal history or relationship between the deceased and the bereaved and that unknown plays a big factor into the grieving process.

Each of us grieves in our own time and in our own way. And if you are to heal, you must fully mourn your loss. It’s hard to see someone in so much pain and I think that’s the reason many people shy away from the bereaved. But you can’t hurry someone through the mourning process. What you can do is be a friend. Stay the course, listen when they need to talk, and remain by their side. Isn’t that what you’ll want someone to do for you?