 Even those with the best intentions might say something inappropriate to the bereaved. Hurtful sentiments can damage relationships so many individuals stay away, fearing they’ll say the wrong thing. So what can you do? Stick to the basics when speaking with the bereaved. Communicate in some way your sadness at their loss and if you have some knowledge of the deceased, mention a quality you admired. For example, words of comfort might be: “I was so sad to hear of your dad’s death. He was always so kind to me.” Statements that get you into trouble are often your interpretation of the loss. Here are some areas you might want to avoid: 1. Comments that minimize the loss, such as: “He was sick for so long, it must be a relief that he's no longer in pain” or, “It’s for the best that she didn’t linger.” 2. Inappropriate statements, such as: “This is a blessing in disguise.” 3. Any suggestion there is something good in the experience, such as: “Look on the bright side, he didn’t suffer.” 4. Comparisons of your pain and your experience to the person who is grieving, such as: “You must feel as dreadful as I did when I got my divorce.” 5. Any reference that you know how they feel; it’s impossible to know how another person is feeling, even if you have experienced a similar loss. And if words fail you, try nonverbal approach. A gentle touch on the arm or a warm hug might be the best response of all. |
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 A neighbor wonders, “Is it too late to send a condolence note six months after a death?” I’m not aware of a statute of limitations when it comes to condolence notes, but how late is too late? Is it appropriate to send a note six months or even one year after a death?
One bereaved friend says it is never too late to express your condolences. “Your loved one is in your heart and mind every day and it is comforting to know that someone else is also thinking of them.” Treat each case individually. Have you known about the death for many months and procrastinated? Or, did you just learn of a death, for example a high school or college friend, and wish to contact the parents or sibling(s)? Evaluate each case on its own merit. You might ask yourself, “What is it I want to say and what makes me want to reach out?” The following example is a belated sympathy note you might write for a former classmate that died seven months ago: Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hiller, Please accept my apology for this delayed note, but I just learned of Paul’s death. I was unaware he was ill and I’m terribly saddened to hear of his untimely death. You both have my deepest sympathy. Paul was an extraordinarily special person who touched many lives. I was so lucky to have him as a roommate freshman year and he made my transition to college much easier. We supported each other through many challenges and I’ll always be grateful for the integral part Paul played in my life. Despite living on opposite coasts, Paul and I managed to retain our friendship and when we had time to spend together, it was if no time had elapsed between visits. I will miss our conversations and visits, but cherish all my memories. You were wonderful parents and I always enjoyed your campus visits. You and Paul made a difference in my life and I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Warm regards, Adapted from Legacy.com and used with permission  When we hear sad news, we want to help, but often, we don’t know how. Instead of figuring out a way to help, we might ask to, “Call me if you need anything.” Individuals facing a difficult experience don’t have the energy to call. So here are simple things you can do to help someone facing a tough time:
1. Instead of asking if you can bring a meal, ask what day would work best for you to bring dinner. And then do it. It doesn’t have to be homemade. 2. If someone is facing a prolonged period and they will need support for some time, ask if you can bring a rotisserie chicken and a vegetable every Tuesday (or whatever day is convenient for you and the recipient). This serves two purposes; sustenance and a semblance of routine in an unstable period. 3. Check in regularly with whatever vehicle works; telephone, text, or email. The intent is to communicate that you are thinking of them and checking in. 4. If you are running errands, call to see if you can run an errand for them as well. One less errand can ease an already stressful day. 5. Do consider indulging in small kindnesses by way of a handling a chore or a providing a treat. Just knowing that someone is thinking about you can brighten a tough day. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Image via Flickr Creative Commons / lusi  I'm writing my last blog post of 2018 as a reminder - to you and to myself. We get so caught up in or own lives that it easy to forget others who might be ill, in treatment, facing a difficult time, or grieving a loss. We don't have the time to help everyone - but we do have the ability to reach out to someone. Is it worth fifteen or twenty minutes of your time to make a difference?
Six years ago I sat at my desk, sorting through papers when I saw the name of a friend at the top of my list. My friend had surgery and she’s been undergoing chemotherapy for the past two months. I periodically sent a card or called just to say hello but, I realized that morning that it had been a few weeks since I had checked in. I made the phone call and had a nice chat. I learned that my friend was very uncomfortable and really just whiling away the days with little energy to pursue her normal routine. That’s where the cards and calls helped. She mentioned she gets a card now and then and she appreciates that someone has taken the time to let her know they’re thinking of her. I told myself to stop feeling guilty and made a plan to send a card the next week. Cards and notes are easy to send and you don’t have to worry about disturbing someone as you may do with a phone call. Emails are great for keeping in touch but, there is something special about receiving a card or note in the mail. Don’t spend too much time worrying about what to say in a note. A simple “I wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you” goes a long way and will make someone feel cared for. You can add “Book club or bridge is not the same without you” or “I miss crossing paths on my morning walk and look forward to seeing you soon.” My friend got better, or so I thought, and I stopped following up. She died one year ago. I miss seeing her and wish I could give her a call or send her a note. So make your call or send a note; your thoughtfulness will go a long way in brightening someone’s day. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.  With families settled all over the country, even the world, it can be difficult to come together to mourn a death. That’s what happened to a friend when her nephew died in Alaska. Her immediate family was spread out on both coasts and a funeral in Alaska was logistically impossible. Her nephew’s death was a devastating loss to my friend, her husband, and their children. Their inability to attend funeral rituals left them without any sense of closure.
What can grieving families and friends do when many members are geographically scattered?
Adapted from Legacy.com. Used with permission  There seem to be no conversational boundaries when it comes to death. The bereaved are often subjected to inappropriate comments and questions that can shock, hurt, or leave us speechless. We are often left wondering, how can friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, and even acquaintances say or ask that?
It can be especially stressful when someone you truly care about hurts you. A week after my mother died a friend inquired, “Do you think she knew she was going to die?” I hadn’t pondered that question, but after our conversation, I could think of little else. And as much as the question pained me, I never told my friend; I did not want to lose her friendship. I’m not alone. It is very hard to articulate your feelings when mourning a loss and even harder to do it tactfully. Sometimes it is not just inappropriate conversation; there are people who just cannot understand our loss or our pattern of grief. It can become too difficult for them or us to continue the relationship while we mourn our loss. It is not uncommon for the bereaved to distance themselves or walk away from some friendships. So, how can you handle inappropriate comments or questions?
*** Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Couple in a park photo via photopin (license) copyright Legacy.com Used with permission  It is easy to become overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, and stress when faced with life’s difficulties, whether illness, death, or a personal crisis. Most of us intuitively know it’s important to be supportive during these troubling times, and yet it can be challenging despite our best efforts. One of my friends is facing that dilemma right now. Her best friend’s mother is dying of cancer, and my friend has reached out to her numerous times. Her friend does not respond to any of her communications as she is devoting all her time and energy to help her mom. My friend is frustrated as there appears nothing she can do, and she wants to help.
When someone is facing a daily crisis, they don’t have time or energy to answer queries. But that doesn’t mean that your emails, phone calls, or text messages are not appreciated. In fact, it’s possible your outreach helps them pull themselves together to face another hour or make it through the day. Earlier this year I, too, faced a crisis. Friends and family were eager to keep in touch, and I was too overwhelmed to talk or return messages. I asked everyone to text me, and that way my phone alerted me when there was a message and the message remained on my screen until I opened my phone. I got text messages in the morning that asked how the evening before went and text messages before bed that queried how the day had gone. Each message made me feel less isolated, kept me connected, and helped me cope. My friend decided to try that approach. She periodically sent text messages that said: “Thinking of you,” “Miss you,” or “I'm here for you.” She didn’t expect a response and wasn’t disappointed when she didn’t get one. Another friend took a different tact when her mom faced terminal cancer and updated everyone through Facebook posts. While many people are uncomfortable putting such personal details on social media, some find solace, as did my friend. Her Facebook friends who were uncomfortable with public posting reached her privately through Facebook Messenger. The many heartwarming responses comforted my friend, and when her mom died, the online community continued to rally around her. We have many forms of communications that make it easy and less intrusive to reach others. Continue to seek out ways to stay in touch during difficult times as your efforts truly show you care.  The holidays are upon us and while many of us revel in the joy family traditions bring, for those grieving a loss, the holidays can hold little joy.
So what should we do for those we care about mourning a loss? Do we send cards? Buy gifts? Try to cheer them up? For starters, it’s important to understand that grief is very individual and runs its own course. It’s not something anyone can control and the bereaved need to mourn their loss at their own pace and in their own time. Holidays are a particularly difficult time because absences are acutely felt and holidays, with established traditions, demonstrate how much life has changed. A widower, whose family hosted a holiday meal for friends, continued the tradition the first year after his spouse’s death. But he found it too painful and accepted an invitation the next year, changing the way his family celebrated the holiday. A widow who traditionally hosted the family holidays decided to leave town for the first holiday after her spouse’s death. Instead of taking care of the family with dinner and presents, she went to a spa and let someone take care of her. It gave her the space to recharge and rethink her role in her family and by the second year, she was ready to create new family traditions. Your support, especially during the holidays, is important. While cards and gifts are thoughtful, your companionship might be the best gift of all. It’s helpful to initiate a discussion and ask the bereaved what traditional activities they’d like to participate in and what they might be comfortable doing. But only ask if you are willing to make changes to accommodate their feelings. They might like to stick with traditions or, they might like to create new ones. You’ll never know unless you ask.  Most people find that writing a sympathy note is hard. It can be intimidating to address someone who is experiencing so much pain. We might think, "What can we possibly say that will make this experience less painful?"
I find it's often helpful to put things in perspective. If you view the process as an expression of your care, you'll find it's not that complicated if you speak from the heart. Take the time to jot down how you are feeling and then draft a condolence note that expresses your thoughts. Are you feeling sad over the loss of a friend’s dad? Has your aunt been in your thoughts since you heard of your uncle’s death? Do you have a special memory that always comes to mind that you can share? Will you be reaching out through a visit or phone call? The very best messages of sympathy convey your caring thoughts. If you take the time to explore your feelings and then express them, you’ll craft a sympathy note that is sure to comfort.  This weekend the unthinkable happened – the mass killing at a Pittsburgh synagogue. It follows too many other mass killings at churches, schools, movie theaters, and numerous locations where we used to feel safe. Nothing in life prepares us for the traumatic experience of violent crime. Although violent crime rates have declined slightly in recent years, according to the FBI there has been an increase in active shooter incidents from 17 in 2013 to 20 in both 2014 and 2015.
Victims of violence and their families and friends experience crisis reactions; the levels of extremes will differ from person to person based on their personal situation at the time of the crime, the impact of the crime, and resulting injuries. As each person is unique, so are victim reactions, responses, and recovery. It is impossible to compare one experience, response, or recovery to another. How the victim of a crime and their loved ones are treated immediately following the crime can impact their ability to cope and recover. They will need to know what comes next by way of the crime investigation and the resulting criminal justice process. In times of crisis, friends, acquaintances, and loved ones willingly provide support. But support wanes along with the months, and it is easy to lose patience as time passes. You can play a pivotal role in the recovery process by remaining a presence in their life—no matter how long it takes. As Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” What to say and do:
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AuthorRobbie’s goal is to help her readers communicate effectively when their loved ones, neighbors, colleagues, and community members face difficult times. Other places I write
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