The holidays are upon us and while many of us revel in the joy family traditions bring, for those grieving a loss, the holidays can hold little joy.

So what should we do for those we care about mourning a loss? Do we send cards? Buy gifts? Try to cheer them up?

For starters, it’s important to understand that grief is very individual and runs its own course. It’s not something anyone can control and the bereaved need to mourn their loss at their own pace and in their own time. Holidays are a particularly difficult time because absences are acutely felt and holidays, with established traditions, demonstrate how much life has changed.

A widower, whose family hosted a holiday meal for friends, continued the tradition the first year after his spouse’s death. But he found it too painful and accepted an invitation the next year, changing the way his family celebrated the holiday. A widow who traditionally hosted the family holidays decided to leave town for the first holiday after her spouse’s death. Instead of taking care of the family with dinner and presents, she went to a spa and let someone take care of her. It gave her the space to recharge and rethink her role in her family and by the second year, she was ready to create new family traditions.

Your support, especially during the holidays, is important. While cards and gifts are thoughtful, your companionship might be the best gift of all. It’s helpful to initiate a discussion and ask the bereaved what traditional activities they’d like to participate in and what they might be comfortable doing. But only ask if you are willing to make changes to accommodate their feelings. They might like to stick with traditions or, they might like to create new ones. You’ll never know unless you ask.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Tangible reminders are what keep our loved ones close and a continued part of our lives. Here are some ways to keep your memories alive, not just for you but for generations to come.

My friend's dad died several years ago but she thinks of him often; his golf hat and golf clubs are a constant reminder. She stores them where they are visible and she smiles when she sees them. A cousin wore his dad's coat the first winter following his father's death and a friend found great comfort using her mom's handbag while she grieved her death.

These stories made me think of my grandma. She was constantly in the kitchen and she always wore an apron. I wear an apron too and every time my hands reach behind me to tie the bow, I think of my grandma. And I've continued her legacy by giving every family member an apron.

These tangible reminders are what keep our loved ones close and a continued part of our lives. I was reminded of this when we celebrated my daughter's birthday at a restaurant. All grown up, I was surprised she wanted us to sing the family birthday song. The song dates back to my mom's camping days and my mom made it a part of our family's celebrations; I've passed it on to mine. My husband, daughter and I tried to sing quietly, clinking our glasses on cue. I thought how special it was that my mother's legacy is still very much a part of our lives and now that my daughter is a mother herself, I have very confidence that my daughter will pass it on to another generation.

Here are some ways to keep your memories alive, not just for you but for generations to come:

1. Display photographs where you can see them often, and use them as a way to share a story with other family members and friends.

2. Prepare and integrate family recipes into your daily life and holidays and let everyone know their history.

3. Share copies of your loved one's recipes. When I share a recipe from my mom, I always title it "Jean's ***," and it always gives me pleasure. And I have recipes in my personal cookbook that bear the names of my friends' loved ones.

4. Use a family heirloom, such as a serving piece, at holiday time, reminding your family of its history and all the occasions it's served.

5. Pass on family heirlooms to family members that will use and treasure both the item and the memory.

6. Tell stories and tell them often. Your personal stories will become part of your family's history.

7. Copy documents and share them with other family members to preserve and cherish your loved ones.

8. Document personal history and memories, creating a written story to be passed down to generations to come.

​Photo credit: memories_fcc-rachel_zack_1600x500-1170x366.jpg

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

It's Monday and you realize another week has passed and you still haven't written the sympathy note. You have good intentions, but it's too hard and you just keep putting it off. You don’t know the bereaved well and you never met the deceased; and you know nothing about the relationship between the bereaved and the deceased. How can you possibly think of anything that might bring comfort?

The business of grief is a lonely one. It’s something you do all by yourself. You feel so much pain and wonder if you will ever feel “normal” again. While the note writing task might seem daunting, one of the kindest things you can say and do for someone who is grieving a loss is acknowledge the pain and the difficulty in losing someone so very dear.

A handwritten note lets the bereaved know you care and it will lessen their sense of isolation. Acknowledging their grief helps them understand that their pain is an appropriate response to their loss. And it does not really matter if the note arrives one week or thirty after the death. Here are some guidelines:

1. Begin by communicating your sympathy or sadness at their loss.
2. Acknowledge the difficulty in losing a beloved friend or family member.
3. Share that you care and have been thinking of them.
4. Include any common experience that demonstrates that you have an understanding of their loss. Avoid comparisons such as divorce or death of a pet.

​The following is an example of how I recently handled a belated sympathy note to someone I knew, but never met the deceased:
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Dear Jacob,
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I was sorry to hear that your dad had died. It is so difficult to lose a parent and I remember how lonely I felt after my mother’s death. I gravitated to others who had faced a similar loss and their understanding gave me comfort during the long grieving and healing process.

I just wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts. I hope that the memories you have of your dad will bring comfort in the weeks and months ahead.                                                                                                                                                                                                           
My deepest condolences,
 
Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Copyright www.legacy.com.  All rights reserved

No matter how many times it happens, suicide is a sudden, unexpected, and tragic death that leaves the bereaved and the community badly shaken. I personally know this is a grim reality as it has happened to me. My great niece Emily recently died by suicide.  

The bereaved - not just the immediate family but the entire community - not only feel the raw grief of sudden loss, but may wrestle with the question, over and over again, “Wasn’t there something I could have done to prevent this?” As one clergy member shares, “It is as unexplainable as a bolt of lightning; more actually, because we all know how to stay safe during a storm.”

Suicide carries a stigma along with mental illness. It is important to keep in mind that mental illness is a disease; a chronic, cruel, and invisible disease that leaves family members isolated and lonely. 
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What can you do to help? Treat the death and the bereaved with compassion, as you would for any death. Suicide is a cause of death and not a source of shame. Your expressions of grief should mirror those you share for any other death.

What to say:

• “I am so sorry for your loss.”
• “I know this is a rough time for you.”
• “I won’t pretend to know how you feel.”
• “If you would like some company, I am here for you anytime.”
• If you knew the deceased, share a quality you admired, such as, “I will miss Alisson’s smile.”
• When you see them, greet them warmly and tell them, “I’m so glad to see you.”

What not to say:

• Do not try to offer a reason for the suicide. There is no way to pinpoint a trauma or specific moment that caused the deceased to make this decision. 
• Don’t ask for details.
• Avoid judgmental statements, such as “It was a selfish act.”
• Don’t avoid the bereaved for fear of saying the wrong thing.
• Don’t disparage the deceased in any way. As one bereaved stated, “My husband was a good man. He just chose a bad way to die.”

One of the most important things you can do for anyone experiencing a loss is to listen. The bereaved will need to tell their story over and over again to make sense of it. This is an experience that they may never get over, but in time, their feelings will stabilize. Stay the course; you’ll be glad you did.

If you need help and want to talk to someone, or if you know someone who needs help, the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 800-273-8255.
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Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Image Into Infinity via photopin (license)

My mother was a wise woman and a wonderful teacher. While we shared a lifetime of learning, it was not until her death that I realized she forgot one important lesson: She never told me how to live without her.

I’m not alone. Even though the death of a parent is the natural order of things, everyone I know has struggled with the death of their parent. Whether the relationship is a good one or bad, we never seem to be ready to lose them, no matter their age or ours.
 
It was the death of my dearest friend that spurred me to begin thinking of my own death. At the cemetery following my friend’s funeral my daughters asked, “Is this the cemetery where you would like to be buried?” As my husband and I had not had this discussion, it was a good place to start. We chose to respond to our daughters by asking them what they wanted. “Will you visit a grave site?” we asked, and “Do you want us buried in a place where you can come and grieve?”

In the following weeks, I began to explore funeral and burial options and ask myself the hard questions. For instance: What kind of life do I want my children to have when I am no longer with them? I knew that I do not want my children to feel as lost as I did when my own mother died.  

And so, my family began a series of discussions on a topic that one daughter calls, “The sad stuff.” Whatever it might be called, I am undeterred. There are decisions to be made on cremation services, niches versus cemetery plots, and the merits of a variety of burial/funeral fees. Our talks gravitate towards my wishes should my spouse survive me to thoughts and feelings about a range of topics. I want my daughters to understand and embrace that life should be lived without regret. And to accept that the world will continue and so will they, even when I am no longer by their side.
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There never is a good time to talk about death and yet I have seen the chaotic aftermath when the topic is avoided and feelings are left unsaid. I have chosen a different route for my family. My children now know how I feel and they will not be left with a burden of decisions to ponder when I am gone. It’s also freed up my mind to better embrace and enjoy the rest of my life.  

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Photo AnaRusso via photopin

Copyright www.legacy.com  Used with permission

I learned to be comfortable with the bereaved because at a young age, I was the bereaved. I witnessed firsthand how young friends, their parents, my neighbors, teachers, school officials, relatives, and family friends treated and interacted with me upon learning of my father's death.

And yet it was my mom who taught me how to comfort the bereaved. She connected by phone, cooked a meal, visited the bereaved, and continued to help long past when others ceased to call. It was her model that I emulated and used to teach my own children: death is a part of life and the bereaved need our support.

Not everyone feels at ease comforting the bereaved. And if you’re not comfortable, how will you teach your child to be comfortable? One of the ways to instill compassion in your child is to work on a comforting activity together. This is how my neighbor Susan did it.

Susan and her best friend Abby were pregnant at the same time. Susan’s baby, Lisa, was healthy; Abby’s baby, Beth, wasn’t. Beth was born with a disfiguring congenital defect for which there was no cure or repair and her parents were told that she had only months to live.

Susan and her daughter spent a lot of time with Abby and Beth as well as Abby’s older daughter Sara. Beth died at age two, having lived much longer than expected. Susan, a gifted writer, chose to write the story of Beth’s life. She wanted big sister Sara to know that despite Beth’s disfiguring illness, she was much loved and during her short time on earth, her life was meaningful and she made a difference.

While working on the project, Susan shared what she was doing with her daughter Lisa and Lisa colored the illustrations Susan had drawn. Together, Susan and Lisa presented the book to Abby and Sara. Abby has shared that during the five years since Beth’s death Sara continues to get comfort from the book. She shares it with new friends as it is a comfortable way to tell the story of Beth’s short life and death.

Since Beth’s death, Susan has used her writing talents on several occasions. She has written stories and poems for friends and loved ones who are bereaved. Now, Lisa offers to draw the illustrations. She’s learned firsthand from a compassionate mom how to be compassionate too.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Image: stock.xchng/kslyesmith

Adapted and previously published Legacy.com  Used with permission

If you have never had a pet then you might not understand how painful it can be when a beloved pet dies. I did not understand, but that changed when a dachshund named "Penny" came into my life.

My daughter adopted Penny from the animal shelter and Penny quickly found a place in our family. Within days of her adoption,  we realized something was wrong; tests and an ultrasound revealed that Penny had a terminal illness and did not have long to live. With no pet experience, we came to the heartbreaking decision to take her back to the animal shelter. I was shocked at how quickly we had fallen in love with Penny and how deeply painful it was to let her go.

In the days and weeks that followed, I found it hard to explain my sadness; after all, we had had Penny just one week. Most people did not understand my grief but my sister was helpful. She had always had a dog and she understood my grief. My frequent calls to her helped me through a tough time.

Dachshund Rescue had taken Penny and because of the care we had given her, they offered my daughter a healthy dog. When an abandoned and pregnant dachshund came under their care, our daughter was offered pick of the litter. Not just one, but two dachshund puppies joined our family, one for each daughter.

The dogs, Charley and Gracie, have been an integral part of our family for almost fifteen years. I now understand the bond pets have with their owners and as these two precious dogs are nearing the end of their lives I honestly can not imagine life without them.

Recently, when a friend called to tell me that her beloved dog had died, I shared how sad I was to hear the news. And when she said she was totally lost in the morning and after work, I knew that her routine had totally changed and it was unsettling. And when she told me she was not ready for another dog, I understood that, too; a new pet can not replace the one you lost.

Pets are beloved companions and losing a pet is a significant loss. The grief is genuine, deeply felt, and painful. The loss disrupts our life and routine and it is an unwelcome upheaval. 

So how can we help? We can express our sadness for the loss. We can listen and we can acknowledge how painful it must be to lose a beloved family member. We can share our memories of the pet. But most of all, we can validate the feelings of loss and the deep sadness that friends and loved ones feel when grieving the death of their beloved pet.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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What can you do when a child dies and you want to keep their memory alive? That's what one mom asked. She was deep in grief and she didn’t want her little girl forgotten. She wanted her daughter to remain a part of her life, but she was in so much pain, she couldn't figure out how to do it.

When our son and daughter died in infancy, my husband and I also searched for ways to remember and honor their memory. We donated a rocking chair to the children's hospital where they were treated because there were never enough rocking chairs. We attached a plaque that noted it was in our children's memory and the doctors told us they thought of us whenever they used the chair. We also donated children's books to a library and had labels affixed in memory of our children and we established and donated to a research fund at the hospital where they were treated.

In Elizabeth Edwards' book, "Saving Graces," she shares a number of things she did to keep her teenage son Wade's memory and spirit alive. She donated funds to create a computer lab in his memory at a local school and she also volunteered there. To remember Wade on the first anniversary of his death, she worked with a local ice cream store and prepaid for a number of cones. She then printed vouchers for a free ice cone in Wade’s memory that she distributed to children on the anniversary of his death.

A reader shared something similar; she ordered from a fast food restaurant and when it was time to pay, she was told her bill had been paid. She was given a certificate that said she had been gifted with a random act of kindness in memory of a deceased child and It included a website that was a memorial to the child. The same reader shared that a friend’s family made magnets to remember their beloved daughter and sister. They chose a quote: “Remember Cathy and live life with a shout not a whisper.” They had the quotes printed on regular printer paper and used magnet kits purchased at office supply stores. Family members keep the magnets on their refrigerators and it gives them an opportunity to think and talk about Cathy.

If you, too, are aware of creative ways to keep your loved one’s memory alive, please share them with us.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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The manager of a sales team learned that the sister of one of her employees died while on vacation. The facts surrounding the death appeared suspicious and the local authorities suspected foul play. The organization sent flowers and a condolence note, but there had been no personal contact with the bereaved employee who is now due back to work. The manager and her staff ponder, "What will I say?"

A neighbor faced a similar dilemma. She learned an acquaintance was diagnosed with a terminal illness and was receiving treatment. Before she could reach out with a note or a card, she bumped into him on the street. Tongue-tied she wondered, "What can I  say?" Are there any words of comfort for a terminal illness?

Many of us face similar situations. We send cards, write notes, express our concern, but when placed face-to-face with the individual grappling with loss, we just can not fathom what words will bring comfort.

Whether someone is chronically or terminally ill or dealing with sudden or shocking death, their world is turned upside down. It is hard to function in that state of mind and yet, here they are, trying to continue their lives in the spirit in which they have lived. So when you see them at work, at a meeting, on the street, or in a restaurant, an appropriate response is, “I’m so glad to see you,” said with a handshake, a hug, or whatever greeting feels appropriate.

Do not avoid or shy away from someone dealing with illness or any type of loss. Greet them and let them know you care. And do it every time you see them. It is how each of us would like to be treated in our time of need.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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