This weekend the unthinkable happened – the mass killing at a Pittsburgh synagogue. It follows too many other mass killings at churches, schools, movie theaters, and numerous locations where we used to feel safe. Nothing in life prepares us for the traumatic experience of violent crime. Although violent crime rates have declined slightly in recent years, according to the FBI there has been an increase in active shooter incidents from 17 in 2013 to 20 in both 2014 and 2015.  

Victims of violence and their families and friends experience crisis reactions; the levels of extremes will differ from person to person based on their personal situation at the time of the crime, the impact of the crime, and resulting injuries. As each person is unique, so are victim reactions, responses, and recovery. It is impossible to compare one experience, response, or recovery to another.

How the victim of a crime and their loved ones are treated immediately following the crime can impact their ability to cope and recover. They will need to know what comes next by way of the crime investigation and the resulting criminal justice process.

In times of crisis, friends, acquaintances, and loved ones willingly provide support. But support wanes along with the months, and it is easy to lose patience as time passes. You can play a pivotal role in the recovery process by remaining a presence in their life—no matter how long it takes. As Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”

What to say and do:

• Express sympathy and sorrow for what has happened.
• Anyone who has lost a loved one to a violent crime will need your caring patience. It takes a long time to heal, and they will need your support during the process.
• Anger is a natural response to a violent crime. Listen with patience; the victim of crime is not looking for answers but an opportunity to vent their anger.
• Recognize that they will grieve in their own way.
• Do communicate your willingness to support the victim of crime in whatever ways you can. Individuals who have someone to lean on increase their chances of healing from the trauma.
• Offer to help with basic necessities—grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, food preparation, child care, and carpooling—as they might find it impossible to resume their normal housekeeping and caregiver tasks.
• Encourage them to participate in the judicial process to restore a sense of control.
• Offer to listen. The individual will need to tell their story over and over again to process what has happened.
• Allow them to grieve in their own way.
• Encourage them to express their grief and sorrow for as long as they need.
• Do continue to keep in touch with them and remember them during significant dates and difficult periods, such as the anniversary of the crime, a birthday, or holidays.

Suggestions on what to say:

• I am here for you when you need me.
• I care about you and will support you however you might need me.
• I have never experienced this before; please let me know how I can help you.
• I will always be your friend; nothing can change that.
• I will miss him (her), too.
• I’d like to help in any way I can.
• It’s not your fault.
• This was a terrible crime, and I am sorry it happened to you.
• What you are feeling is normal.
• You can talk to me at any time.
• You did the best you could.
• You were in no way to blame for what happened.

Adapted from How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say© by Robbie Miller Kaplan. All rights reserved.

A reader asks, “How can I help my friend who is deep in grief over the death of her sister and at times takes her anger out on me?”

It takes understanding to be supportive of someone both heartbroken and angry while grieving their loss. But, this is what good friends do. You can help a friend deal with their grief in any of the following ways:

1. Physical activity is a wonderful way to channel anger and refocus. You and your friend might make a date to take a weekly walk together in the evening or sign up for an exercise class together. You might need to arrange to pick her up to make sure it happens.

2. Sometimes the best way to help heal is to help others. When you can't seem to help yourself, seeing how your efforts can make a difference in someone else's life is very uplifting. Volunteering can be a wonderful distraction.

3. Your friend might need more than you to discuss her grief. Is there a community or religious organization that has a support group? You can do an online search to see what’s available in your area. Even if your friend is not a member of a specific faith, they might be very willing to have her attend.
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Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time and mourning a loss is exhausting. If you are patient with your friend, in time she will be able to more fully participate in your relationship. 

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/70838083@N07/10501280313">George Washington Bridge</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/">(license)</a>

While it might seem out of place to discuss money when it comes to a death, there are many financial decisions to make. There is one that you might not consider or  know what to do: Do you need to pay the clergy who presides over your family member's funeral or memorial service? The answer depends; was the clergy affiliated with your religious organization, arranged for by the funeral home, or did you solicit their services yourself?

If the funeral home arranged for the clergy, you may have already paid a fee in your funeral bill. When hiring clergy directly, most charge a fee and communicate this upfront. You may want to follow up to see if you’ve already paid a fee or if you need to handle this.

Clergy affiliated with religious organizations usually preside over funerals and memorial services for their members and do not expect a fee. But it’s prudent to check this out. It’s common to show your appreciation by way of donations in the name of the clergy to the religious organization or to their discretionary spending fund. Or, you may make a direct donation to an appropriate nonprofit organization, acknowledging the clergy’s support during your time of loss.

If the service and eulogy were particularly touching or the clergy helpful or caring, it’s very appropriate to write a personal note. Most people feel good knowing they’ve made a difference in someone’s life; clergy members who frequently deal with loss may especially appreciate hearing how they helped you during a difficult time.

Your Facebook feed keeps you informed through the quips, quotes, and photographs that friends post. Most of the news is happy banter, but more and more we learn sad and tragic news from our friends through social media.

When the news of a young adult who died by suicide was posted on Facebook a few years ago, I was surprised. The funeral arrangements followed along with an outpouring of condolences for the family. People were “liking” posts and condolence messages and yet Facebook felt like an impersonal place for such visible grief.

Nowadays, the most universal means of sharing news of a death is through social media. It’s become so commonplace that I purposely check my Facebook feed more regularly to ensure that I don’t miss any difficult losses happening to my friends.

It seems inevitable that our friends, sharing their happy times, would share their sorrows. Last week, another young adult in my community died. The news was shared on Facebook by the bereaved mom. Legions of support quickly surfaced in Facebook feeds. An obituary in the local paper was linked to Facebook and details of the memorial service were disclosed.

Within hours after the funeral, the obituary and eulogies, along with tributes, were appearing on Facebook. Heartfelt condolence messages were posted and so appreciated that they solicited likes. Tributes on BuzzFeed and YouTube continue to appear with no end in sight.

Uncomfortable topic

While death remains an uncomfortable topic, Facebook has come to play an important role in bringing grief into our national conversation. When Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook’s COO, lost her husband, her candid posts on Facebook elicited a wellspring of condolences and further opened the dialogue on death. Mark Zuckerberg, the co-founder and chief executive at Facebook, wrote on Facebook about his experience with miscarriage, and he too shared his grief openly.   

Facebook allows us to memorialize our loved ones through tribute pages, giving friends and family a place to remember and reminisce about the deceased. These open communities help us feel less isolated in our grief. They give us a shared space to post our photos and grieve our losses.

A more current trend is to post photos and memories of our deceased family members and friends on their birthdays and the anniversaries of their deaths. It is a way for our friends to remember their loved ones and elicit support from their social network.  

So how do you, as a Facebook friend, deal with loss? It is perfectly acceptable to express your condolences on Facebook. Feel free to write a comment of support, like another’s post, or share your own memories or photos of the deceased.

If you are uncomfortable talking so publicly about the pain of loss, you can ignore it. Just continue to handle condolences in the more traditional ways. Whatever you choose to do, one thing is for sure, social media is going to continue to define and re-define the ways in which we communicate.

​Copyright ConsumerAffairs.com

When you see a friend, community member, or neighbor who’s just experienced a loss, what do you do? Do you walk in another direction, fearing you’ll say the wrong thing? Or, do you approach them? If so, what do you say?

If you avoid the bereaved because you are worried you’ll say the wrong thing, you risk hurting them. Loss is very isolating and if you deliberately keep your distance, you’ll isolate the bereaved even more.

It’s important to acknowledge the loss and a simple greeting is all that’s required. It could be a sincere, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or, “I was terribly sorry to hear the news about your mom.”  

Some people may think these expressions trite but in truth, you are terribly sorry for their loss. These words work because they’re sincere and simple. It’s when you try to elaborate with something of more substance that you often get into trouble and say the wrong thing.  

Recently, a friend encountered a truly awful loss. When I first saw her, “I’m so sorry for your loss” seemed inadequate. Instead, I hugged her close and said, “You’re in my heart.” As she hugged me back, I knew I chose the right thing to say. In the weeks and months ahead, there will be plenty of time to say more.

We often wonder how we can possibly make a difference in the life of someone with a frightening diagnosis, dealing with illness or treatment, or mourning the death of their loved one. And yet there is something powerful we can do that costs nothing but our time. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone facing difficulty is the willingness to listen.

Listening doesn't come easy. It is a skill, just like speaking and writing, and like any skill, you need to practice: The more you practice, the better you become.

We each have the ability to give this all-important gift – our time and attention. Here are some strategies to help you become a better listener: 

1. Choose a private and comfortable place to talk.

2. Disregard your own feelings and thoughts and focus solely on the speaker.

3. Look directly at the speaker.

4. Avoid interruptions and don't talk.

5. Demonstrate warmth in your voice and your facial expressions.

6. Change position if you find your mind wandering or feel you are slipping away. 

7. Stay calm and be patient. 

8. Keep in mind that your attentive listening is better than anything you could possibly say.