There is no way around it: Grief is painful. It’s hard to experience it yourself and it’s terribly difficult to watch someone you love go through it. But what’s the alternative? 

You can try to medicate your grief, but at some point you have to stop and the pain comes rushing back. Distractions do help, but if you are not grieving your loss, eventually distractions end and you are once again left with the pain. 

So what does work?

It's important to allow yourself to fully mourn your loss so you can ultimately accept it and move on with your life. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t begin to re-enter during the mourning process. In fact, making your way back into the world goes a long way in helping you work through your grief.

Patience and purpose are helpful healers. Activities and deeds, such as work, hobbies, interests, and volunteering are excellent ways to distract while helping the mind refocus. And when you’re in a place where it’s difficult to feel joy, there is satisfaction in accomplishing tasks and joy in helping others.

Transitions are never easy and this is a tough one to make.  Everyone works through grief in their own way and in their own time, so cut yourself or your loved one some slack and go with what works. Be patient and most important, be kind to yourself.


Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Do you need to acknowledge the caring gestures of flowers, donations, and meals following a death? And what do you do if these thoughtful acts were done in memory of a family member and you don’t know the donors?

Here are some guidelines for writing condolence thank you notes:

1. It is very thoughtful to thank individuals for their kindness following a loss. Sympathy thank you notes are very personal and what you say depends on how you feel about writing the notes.

2. The bereaved often create a template and use the same format for all notes, modifying as appropriate.

3. Some bereaved find that writing notes is an outlet for their grief and feel it’s therapeutic. Others find it terribly painful and are not up to the task. Mourning is not a time for guilt so either way is acceptable.

4. Notes can be simple, for example: "Thank you so much for the flowers in Sally’s memory. It was a very thoughtful way to remember her. Your kindness is appreciated." You can add: "Your caring gesture was helpful during this difficult time."

5. If you want to write more personal notes to friends, neighbors, or colleagues you can certainly let them know your loved one mentioned them many times and their friendship meant so much. Or, if individuals shared stories in their notes, you can let them know how much their note and thoughts of your loved one meant to you. Whatever strategy you take is fine; the most important thing is that you’re acknowledging others' kindnesses. And you are doing it for your loved one.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Many friends and family members announce the death of a loved one on Facebook so that's where I most often learn there's been a death. In this day and age, social media is the most expedient way to communicate personal news and yet Facebook death announcements feel so impersonal, as do the many condolence posts that friends share.

 I'm no longer a frequent Facebook user so sometimes I learn there's been a death belatedly. I am always on the fence on how to respond to these announcements. If I write on a friend's Facebook wall, will my message sound trivial? If I don't write on a friend's wall, will they think I do not care? The biggest dilemma we each face: Do you post a condolence message on Facebook or do you write a traditional condolence note?

I always write a note of sympathy so the decision is not too hard for me.  Having been bereaved myself, I know the healing power of written condolences and I like to think sympathy notes will be re-read and cherished during the period of mourning.

And yet Facebook communication is so tempting because it is immediate. If you write on a friend's wall, they will instantly know that you care. Instead, if you write a sympathy note, they will have to wait a few days until the note arrives.

Is it worth the wait? For me personally, I believe it is. But we are each unique and you will need to decide yourself how you want to console your bereaved friends and loved ones. While Facebook is immediate, the posts are often short and quickly written. Notes with personal messages of condolence take time and are usually well thought out. I believe they are meaningful and well worth the time and effort it takes to write and deliver.

We are living in strange times. You might wonder how you can possibly make a difference in the life of someone dealing with a major disappointment, frightening health issue, medical testing, illness or treatment, or mourning the death of their loved one. And yet there is something powerful you can do that costs nothing but your time. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone facing difficulty is the willingness to listen.

Listening doesn't come easy. It is a skill, just like speaking and writing, and like any skill, you need to practice: The more you practice, the better you become.

We each have the ability to give this all-important gift – our time and attention. Here are some strategies to help you become a better listener: 

1. Choose a private and comfortable place to talk. It could be on the phone, FaceTime, Zoom, Skype or any other mutual option.

2. Disregard your own feelings and thoughts and focus solely on the speaker.

3. Look directly at the speaker, if appropriate.

4. Avoid interruptions and don't talk.

5. Demonstrate warmth in your voice and your facial expressions.

6. Change position if you find your mind wandering or feel you are slipping away. 

7. Stay calm and be patient. 

8. Keep in mind that your attentive listening is better than anything you could possibly say.

Every Memorial Day, I look for red poppies, the crepe paper variety sold by veterans. I usually find mine outside a grocery store and  I wear it all day.

The poppies evoke such a special time in my life that I usually find a visible place to display them long after the holiday. And when I see one around the house, it brings back vivid memories of my father and the Memorial Days we shared while I was a little girl.

My dad was a veteran of World War II and after his discharge was active in the local Veterans of Foreign War (VFW) post. Our local VFW sponsored our town’s Memorial Day parade. I never got to watch the parade; I got to participate in it.

Each year, my father drove a car with a veteran from World War I. It was a tribute for the veterans but also special for me as I got to ride in the back seat of the car with my siblings. Our small town put on quite a parade and I felt fortunate to be part of it.

After the parade, my father took me and my two siblings back to the VFW post. We’d play softball out back and there was always a cookout. I don’t know why, but my mom stayed home. This was a special opportunity for us three kids to have time with our dad in what nowadays we would call quality time. Years later, it was all the more poignant after his early death.

So every Memorial Day, and Veteran’s Day too, I search for the poppies. I love to share my story with the veterans I meet and it’s important to support all the veterans who give so much for our country, even in with a small gesture.

Those simple poppies make me feel a sense of patriotism along with a connection to my family roots. I get a little red flower to wear for the day while paying tribute to the veteran I knew best, my dad.


Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books at a reduced price for "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.

No matter how old you are you are never prepared to lose your mother. Mothers play such a unique role in our lives and they are irreplaceable. When your mother dies, the grief can be overwhelming.

There is so much lost when you no longer have your mom. Who will ever remember your favorite cookie, cake or entrée? Not only remember it, but get pleasure in making it for you?

When you have great news, who will you call who will revel in your success? Who will take pride in everything you do and who will never tire of seeing photos of your child, dog or most recent vacation?

I miss the familiarity I shared with my mom because there is no one else who will ever know me so well. Years ago, I took my mother along while shopping for hair color. I stood in front of the array of boxes, desperately trying to remember what my color once looked like. My mom picked up a box and said, “This is your hair color.” She knew me better than I knew myself because the color was just right.

So what do you do when you don’t have a mom and Mother’s Day is approaching? That depends on where you are in the bereavement process.

• Still grieving your loss? You might find comfort joining other family members or loved ones also grieving. Or, you might want to find a way to distract yourself and just get through the day by watching a movie, fixing yourself a nice meal or taking a walk. Keep in mind that every first occasion without a loved one is going to be hard.
• A mom yourself? It might help to focus the day on you and enjoy your family and the fruits of your labor.
• Another option is to help others. For the last few years I have been contributing to a nonprofit that provides weekend meals to the elderly who are homebound. I like to think that I may be helping someone else’s mom. Or, contribute to a food bank in your mom's memory.

If you have lost your mom and found your way it would be a blessing to reach out to someone with a recent loss who may be floundering. Helping someone grieving the loss of their mother is great way to honor your own mom.



Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.


Image provided by the author