It happens frequently. Someone we know has a death in the family; a friend’s mother dies or a colleague’s son is killed in a car accident. The loss touches you, but you have never met the deceased. You know it’s important to reach out to the bereaved and extend comfort, but how do you write a condolence note for someone you don’t know?

When someone dies, all the bereaved have left are their memories. Sympathy notes that express your condolences bring needed comfort to the bereaved. The most meaningful ones include your thoughts, personal memories, and if possible, a treasured story. Photographs are especially appreciated.

You do need to dig a little deeper to write a meaningful note of sympathy for someone you don’t know. Here is an example of a condolence letter you might write to a friend on the death of a parent you have never met.

Dear Peter,

I was so sorry to hear about the death of your father. I’m sure your dad had a hand in modeling behaviors that shaped the special person you are – your wonderful medical skills, compassion, and patience. And your keen sense of humor. You have shared lots of stories about your family and I’m hoping that the good memories will be a comfort to you while you grieve this loss. Know that I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love to you and Melissa.

Barbara

Image: http://simplesympathy.com/printable-sympathy-cards

It's Monday and you realize another week has passed and you still haven't written the sympathy note. You have good intentions, but it's too hard and you just keep putting it off. You don’t know the bereaved well and you never met the deceased; and you know nothing about the relationship between the bereaved and the deceased. How can you possibly think of anything that might bring comfort?

The business of grief is a lonely one. It’s something you do all by yourself. You feel so much pain and wonder if you will ever feel “normal” again. While the note writing task might seem daunting, one of the kindest things you can say and do for someone who is grieving a loss is acknowledge the pain and the difficulty in losing someone so very dear.

A handwritten note lets the bereaved know you care and it will lessen their sense of isolation. Acknowledging their grief helps them understand that their pain is an appropriate response to their loss. And it does not really matter if the note arrives one week or thirty after the death. Here are some guidelines:

1. Begin by communicating your sympathy or sadness at their loss.
2. Acknowledge the difficulty in losing a beloved friend or family member.
3. Share that you care and have been thinking of them.
4. Include any common experience that demonstrates that you have an understanding of their loss. Avoid comparisons such as divorce or death of a pet.

​The following is an example of how I recently handled a belated sympathy note to someone I knew, but never met the deceased:
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Dear Jacob,
​​
I was sorry to hear that your dad had died. It is so difficult to lose a parent and I remember how lonely I felt after my mother’s death. I gravitated to others who had faced a similar loss and their understanding gave me comfort during the long grieving and healing process.

I just wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts. I hope that the memories you have of your dad will bring comfort in the weeks and months ahead.                                                                                                                                                                                                           
My deepest condolences,
 

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store

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When we hear there's been a death, it’s common to respond quickly by writing a sympathy note. But waiting to send a condolence note is okay too. It’s in the weeks and months ahead, when mourning takes place, that people might most appreciate a sympathy note.

The following are some strategies for preparing heartfelt sympathy notes, which can be sent the traditional way – on printed cards or notepaper – or via technology, such as e-mail or online Guest Books:

• Wait a day, a week or a few weeks to digest the news and collect personal thoughts before writing the note.
• Begin with a sentence that expresses sadness for the loss.
• Use the sentences that follow to articulate personal feelings, memories, anecdotes, and any ways the deceased touched others and made a difference.
• Draft the note first. Then, edit, revise, and proofread before writing the final note.
• Allow the note to sit for a day before sending it. Re-read it to ensure it reflects the true message that it is intended to convey.
• Include the sender’s address on the envelope, or the e-mail address in the online Guest Book, to make it easier for recipients to respond back, should the recipient wish to do so.

A friend and I had many discussions on the pros and cons of condolence messages on Facebook. While we both seemed to be on the fence, I was not surprised when he announced the death of his father on Facebook. In this day and age, social media is the most expedient way to communicate personal news.

But the postings on Facebook pose a dilemma; do you in turn post a condolence message on Facebook or write a traditional condolence note?

The decision was not too hard for me; I always write a note of sympathy. Having been bereaved myself, I know the healing power of written condolences and I like to think sympathy notes will be re-read and cherished during the period of mourning.

Facebook communication is so tempting because it is immediate. Had I written on his wall, my friend would have known instantly that I cared. Instead, he had to wait a few days until the sympathy note arrived.

Was it worth the wait? I believe so. My friend wrote an email to thank me and we have been emailing each other since. While Facebook is immediate, the posts are often short and quickly written. Notes with personal messages of condolence take time and are usually well thought out. I believe they are meaningful; well worth the time it takes to write and deliver.