What makes a sympathy note memorable? How do you elevate a note of condolence from an acknowledgment of sympathy to one that comforts the bereaved?

I find that people struggle to find the right words to write a truly appropriate condolence message. But it's not your mastery with words that's important; what are truly memorable are messages that come from your heart.

In the weeks following my mom's death, I received many condolence notes that truly brought me comfort. I thought I'd share some of the qualities that made these messages special.

1. Memories are all we have left when a loved one dies and it's wonderful to hear someone else's perspective of our loved one. One friend shared: "Your mom was always so fun to speak with. Many from her generation tell the same stories over and over but your mom had so many interests and travels, I loved to visit with her."

2. It can be insightful to hear how others viewed your family member. My cousin shared: "I always thought it must have been so much fun growing up in your family. You always seemed to be such an active and involved bunch. I can only imagine what a great teacher your mom must have been because she had such a keen interest in so many things."

3. A friend made me feel better for feeling so bad. She shared: "It is always difficult to lose your mom, no matter what your age."

4. And someone from my book club who was not an intimate truly touched my heart when she referred to my mom as "Your dear mother."

Somehow, you never got around to writing that sympathy note. How late is too late when it comes to writing a message of condolence? As one widow shares, “It's never too late. It's not as if we finish grieving and ‘forget’ that our loved one died.” A loved one’s death is always in the hearts and minds of the bereaved.

Here are some tips on belated condolence notes:

• Whether you just learned of a death or procrastinated for months, don’t be afraid to reach out.
• Begin your sympathy message with an expression of how you are feeling. For example: “I just wanted you to know that Susan is often in my thoughts and I remember her with love, as I know you do."
• Follow with additional thoughts, a personal story or memory of the deceased, and your expression of sympathy.
• The bereaved will be grieving for a long time and your thoughtfulness and care will help in the healing process.

Photo: Simplesympathy.com

When we hear there's been a death, our first impulse is to respond quickly by writing a sympathy note. But waiting to send a condolence note is okay too. It’s in the weeks and months ahead, when mourning takes place, that people might most appreciate a sympathy note.

The following are some tips for preparing heartfelt sympathy notes, which can be sent the traditional way – on printed cards or notepaper – or via technology, such as e-mail or online Guest Books:

• Wait a day, a week or a few weeks to digest the news and collect personal thoughts before writing the note.
• Begin with a sentence that expresses sadness for the loss.
• Use the sentences that follow to articulate personal feelings, memories, anecdotes, and any ways the deceased touched others and made a difference.
• Draft the note first. Then, edit, revise, and proofread before writing the final note.
• Allow the note to sit for a day before sending it. Re-read it to ensure it reflects the true message that it is intended to convey.
• Include the sender’s address on the envelope, or the e-mail address in the online Guest Book, to make it easier for recipients to respond back, should the recipient wish to do so.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

When someone dies, all we have left are our memories. Condolence notes that express your sympathy bring comfort to the bereaved. The most meaningful ones include your thoughts, personal memories and, if possible, a treasured story. Photographs are especially appreciated.

Expressing condolences can be a challenge when you never met the deceased. Instead of first hand observations, you can draw on the previous conversations you've had with the bereaved. Use those stories and anecdotes as the basis for your note of sympathy, as in the following example:

Dear William,

You have my deepest sympathy on the death of your mom. I know how important she was in your life and your care and support during these last few years must have brought her great comfort. Your relationship was quite special and while this makes the loss so very painful, I do believe that your closeness and warm memories will bring you solace in the days and months ahead. Know that I am thinking of you and your mom.

Fondly,

Marie

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Used with permission from www.legacy.com

A neighbor wonders, “Is it too late to send a condolence note six months after a death?” I’m not aware of a statute of limitations when it comes to condolence notes, but how late is too late? Is it appropriate to send a note six months or even one year after a death?

One bereaved friend says it is never too late to express your condolences. “Your loved one is in your heart and mind every day and it is comforting to know that someone else is also thinking of them.”

Treat each case individually. Have you known about the death for many months and procrastinated? Or, did you just learn of a death, for example a high school or college friend, and wish to contact the parents or sibling(s)? Evaluate each case on its own merit. You might ask yourself, “What is it I want to say and what makes me want to reach out?”

The following example is a belated sympathy note you might write for a former classmate that died seven months ago:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hiller,

Please accept my apology for this delayed note, but I just learned of Paul’s death. I was unaware he was ill and I’m terribly saddened to hear of his untimely death. You both have my deepest sympathy.

Paul was an extraordinarily special person who touched many lives. I was so lucky to have him as a roommate freshman year and he made my transition to college much easier. We supported each other through many challenges and I’ll always be grateful for the integral part Paul played in my life.

Despite living on opposite coasts, Paul and I managed to retain our friendship and when we had time to spend together, it was if no time had elapsed between visits. I will miss our conversations and visits, but cherish all my memories.

You were wonderful parents and I always enjoyed your campus visits. You and Paul made a difference in my life and I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Warm regards,

Adapted from Legacy.com and used with permission

Many people draw a blank when it comes to crafting a sympathy note. It appears that a lot of thought or a lot of angst goes into writing a message of condolence.

Is a sympathy note harder to write than let’s say, a note of apology? Or a thank you note? All three types of notes have something in common; they all deal with emotion whether sorrow, sadness, or joy, and our goal is to convey the appropriate emotion.

But notes of sympathy aren’t just about emotion; You’re writing to someone who’s very sad and feels a horrific sense of loss. The goal in writing a condolence message is to provide some comfort during this painful period and that’s where the challenge comes in. How do you write a message that is truly going to comfort someone feeling deep pain?

The best notes of condolence come from the heart and if you can write one that conveys both your sadness and understanding of what it means to lose someone you love, chances are you'll write a thoughtful and memorable sympathy note.

But what if you are one of the many individuals who find that hard to do? Then do the best you can. Express how sorry you are for the loss. Let them know you are thinking of them. If you have a personal connection, communicate that you care. If you were acquainted with the deceased and have a memory, this is the time to share it.

If you acknowledge the loss and express your sympathy, than you’ve done what’s most important. And maybe that’s just enough.

It happens frequently. Someone we know has a death in the family; a friend’s mother dies or a colleague’s son is killed in a car accident. The loss touches you, but you have never met the deceased. You know it’s important to reach out to the bereaved and extend comfort, but how do you write a condolence note for someone you don’t know?

When someone dies, all the bereaved have left are their memories. Sympathy notes that express your condolences bring needed comfort to the bereaved. The most meaningful ones include your thoughts, personal memories, and if possible, a treasured story. Photographs are especially appreciated.

You do need to dig a little deeper to write a meaningful note of sympathy for someone you don’t know. Here is an example of a condolence letter you might write to a friend on the death of a parent you have never met.

Dear Peter,

I was so sorry to hear about the death of your father. I’m sure your dad had a hand in modeling behaviors that shaped the special person you are – your wonderful medical skills, compassion, and patience. And your keen sense of humor. You have shared lots of stories about your family and I’m hoping that the good memories will be a comfort to you while you grieve this loss. Know that I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love to you and Melissa.

Barbara

Image: http://simplesympathy.com/printable-sympathy-cards

It's Monday and you realize another week has passed and you still haven't written the sympathy note. You have good intentions, but it's too hard and you just keep putting it off. You don’t know the bereaved well and you never met the deceased; and you know nothing about the relationship between the bereaved and the deceased. How can you possibly think of anything that might bring comfort?

The business of grief is a lonely one. It’s something you do all by yourself. You feel so much pain and wonder if you will ever feel “normal” again. While the note writing task might seem daunting, one of the kindest things you can say and do for someone who is grieving a loss is acknowledge the pain and the difficulty in losing someone so very dear.

A handwritten note lets the bereaved know you care and it will lessen their sense of isolation. Acknowledging their grief helps them understand that their pain is an appropriate response to their loss. And it does not really matter if the note arrives one week or thirty after the death. Here are some guidelines:

1. Begin by communicating your sympathy or sadness at their loss.
2. Acknowledge the difficulty in losing a beloved friend or family member.
3. Share that you care and have been thinking of them.
4. Include any common experience that demonstrates that you have an understanding of their loss. Avoid comparisons such as divorce or death of a pet.

​The following is an example of how I recently handled a belated sympathy note to someone I knew, but never met the deceased:
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Dear Jacob,
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I was sorry to hear that your dad had died. It is so difficult to lose a parent and I remember how lonely I felt after my mother’s death. I gravitated to others who had faced a similar loss and their understanding gave me comfort during the long grieving and healing process.

I just wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts. I hope that the memories you have of your dad will bring comfort in the weeks and months ahead.                                                                                                                                                                                                           
My deepest condolences,
 

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store

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