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When the Sympathy Note is Belated – and You Never Met the Deceased

12/1/2022

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It's Monday and you realize another week has passed and you still haven't written the sympathy note. You have good intentions, but it's too hard and you just keep putting it off. You don’t know the bereaved well and you never met the deceased; and you know nothing about the relationship between the bereaved and the deceased. How can you possibly think of anything that might bring comfort?

The business of grief is a lonely one. It’s something you do all by yourself. You feel so much pain and wonder if you will ever feel “normal” again. While the note writing task might seem daunting, one of the kindest things you can say and do for someone who is grieving a loss is acknowledge the pain and the difficulty in losing someone so very dear.

A handwritten note lets the bereaved know you care and it will lessen their sense of isolation. Acknowledging their grief helps them understand that their pain is an appropriate response to their loss. And it does not really matter if the note arrives one week or thirty after the death. Here are some guidelines:
  1. Begin by communicating your sympathy or sadness at their loss.
  2. Acknowledge the difficulty in losing a beloved friend or family member.
  3. Share that you care and have been thinking of them.
  4. Include any common experience that demonstrates that you have an understanding of their loss. Avoid comparisons such as divorce or death of a pet.

​The following is an example of how I recently handled a belated sympathy note to someone I knew, but never met the deceased:
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Dear Jacob,
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I was sorry to hear that your dad had died. It is so difficult to lose a parent and I remember how lonely I felt after my mother’s death. I gravitated to others who had faced a similar loss and their understanding gave me comfort during the long grieving and healing process.

I just wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts. I hope that the memories you have of your dad will bring comfort in the weeks and months ahead.                                                                                                                                                                                                           
My deepest condolences,
 
Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.


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How to Write a Memorable Condolence Note

10/24/2022

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What makes a sympathy note memorable? How do you elevate a note of condolence from an acknowledgment of sympathy to one that comforts the bereaved?

I find that people struggle to find the right words to write a truly appropriate condolence message. But it's not your mastery with words that's important; what are truly memorable are messages that come from your heart.

In the weeks following my mom's death, I received many condolence notes that brought me comfort. I thought I'd share some of the qualities that made these messages special.

1. Memories are all we have left when a loved one dies and it's wonderful to hear someone else's perspective of our loved one. One friend shared: "Your mom was always so fun to speak with. Many from her generation tell the same stories over and over but your mom had so many interests and travels, I loved to visit with her."

2. It can be insightful to hear how others viewed your family member. My cousin shared: "I always thought it must have been so much fun growing up in your family. You always seemed to be such an active and involved bunch. I can only imagine what a great teacher your mom must have been because she had such a keen interest in so many things."

3. A friend made me feel better for feeling so bad. She shared: "It is always difficult to lose your mom, no matter what your age."

4. And someone from my book club who was not an intimate truly touched my heart when she referred to my mom as "Your dear mother."

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.​​​​​​​​​

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Expressing Sympathy Beyond a Condolence Note

5/2/2022

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​Most people would like some help when it's  time to write a sympathy note. As one friend puts it, "It’s very difficult to figure out what to say to someone experiencing such deep sorrow."

The bereaved do appreciate the caring sentiment these notes convey and they play an essential role in communicating our condolences. While it’s important to craft a comforting message, it feels as if there is too much emphasis placed on a written note rather than the personal extension of condolences and support extended to the bereaved.

Many bereaved share how touched they are by notes and personal remembrances from friends, loved ones, neighbors, and colleagues. These messages are often savored, read, and re-read during the period of mourning. But the bereaved also share that the most meaningful expressions of sympathy are often verbal and face-to-face communications in the weeks and months following a death. This is a sad and often lonely period when physical presence is often scarce.

So instead of placing so much importance on a sympathy note, let’s focus our attention on being present in the life of the bereaved, well past the early weeks following a loved one’s death. Do write a meaningful note, sign an online guest book, and post on a Facebook page, sharing your stories and old photos that make the deceased present once again to those who loved and cherished them. But don’t stop there. The pandemic has made everyone feel isolated, and the bereaved more so. Send a “thinking of you” card, a personal note, an email message, a text, or a Facebook poke. Phone to check in and see how they are doing. Suggest a date for a social-distance walk, coffee, visit, or meal. Invite them to join you for a picnic or dinner at an appropriate place. 

Caring condolence notes are a great start, but once they’re mailed, your job isn’t done. Let your thoughtfulness extend beyond the written word and your kindness will make a profound difference.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Adapted from legacy.com All rights reserved.

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How Late is Too Late for Condolence Notes

3/22/2022

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A neighbor wonders, “Is it too late to send a condolence note six months after a death?” I’m not aware of a statute of limitations when it comes to condolence notes, but how late is too late? Is it appropriate to send a note six months or even one year after a death?

One bereaved friend says it is never too late to express your condolences. “Your loved one is in your heart and mind every day and it is comforting to know that someone else is also thinking of them.”

Treat each case individually. Have you known about the death for many months and procrastinated? Or, did you just learn of a death, for example a high school or college friend, and wish to contact the parents or sibling(s)? Evaluate each case on its own merit. You might ask yourself, “What is it I want to say and what makes me want to reach out?”

The following example is a belated sympathy note you might write for a former classmate that died seven months ago:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hiller,

Please accept my apology for this delayed note, but I just learned of Paul’s death. I was unaware he was ill and I’m terribly saddened to hear of his untimely death. You both have my deepest sympathy.

Paul was an extraordinarily special person who touched many lives. I was so lucky to have him as a roommate freshman year and he made my transition to college much easier. We supported each other through many challenges and I’ll always be grateful for the integral part Paul played in my life.

Despite living on opposite coasts, Paul and I managed to retain our friendship and when we had time to spend together, it was if no time had elapsed between visits. I will miss our conversations and visits, but cherish all my memories.

You were wonderful parents and I always enjoyed your campus visits. You and Paul made a difference in my life and I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Warm regards,

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.​


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The Power of Condolences

3/5/2021

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If you have ever lost a loved one, you know how painful it is. We grieve: It's our response to loss, and mourning is our reaction to grief. Mourning is the heartbreaking process we work through so we can eventually adapt to loss.

Friends or family members play a crucial role in extending support during the mourning period. We do this by offering condolences to communicate our sympathy. Expressing condolences is our way of showing compassion and concern and there is a myriad of ways to do this:​
  • Mourners find solace when we participate in funeral rituals, such as the funeral, memorial service, visitation, wake, Shiva, or in non-pandemic times, the consolation meal.
  • Sign the online guest book and if you have a personal photo, upload that too. Mourners will turn to these guest books over and over and they will be carefully read in the weeks and months ahead.
  • It’s difficult to assume routines and responsibilities while mourning so it is helpful to provide sustenance. You can do this with a fruit basket, a meal, gift card to restaurant or favorite carry out, or a challah. There are online programs making it easy for friends and neighbors to coordinate meal deliveries.   
  • Make a donation. The family might designate a non-profit the deceased supported; if not, choose a worthy organization that fits the interests of the bereaved. When making the donation, ask that the bereaved be notified so they are aware their loved one has been honored.
  • Write a sympathy note. Notes are important as they are tangible proof that the deceased mattered. Take the time to share at least one memory. Notes have lasting impact and the bereaved will read and re-read them as the move through the mourning process. Share a photo as they are especially precious.
  • Call, text, or email to check in. If you feel awkward just say: “Hi Tom. I’ve been thinking about you and wanted to check in.” You can ask Tom if he could use some help and go from there.
  • It's hard to visit in person during the pandemic. if you are both comfortable, set a time to take a walk. Or, visit with an online program, such as Facebook or Zoom. 
  • Finding someway to meet face-to-face with the bereaved will give them time to articulate their thoughts and share their memories. Listen, allowing them to do the talking.

The bereaved need you. Your condolences during a lonely and painful time is a true blessing. Whatever you give, the bereaved will reap. It's your gestures that facilitate healing.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
Photo: Flickr / Creative Commons / Derek Law

​Copyright www.Legacy.com Used with permission



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Sympathy Notes When You Never Met the Deceased

11/16/2020

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When someone dies, all we have left are our memories. Condolence notes that express your sympathy bring comfort to the bereaved. The most meaningful ones include your thoughts, personal memories and, if possible, a treasured story. Photographs are especially appreciated.

Expressing condolences can be a challenge when you never met the deceased. Instead of first hand observations, you can draw on the previous conversations you've had with the bereaved. Use those stories and anecdotes as the basis for your note of sympathy, as in the following example:

Dear William,

You have my deepest sympathy on the death of your mom. I know how important she was in your life and your care and support during these last few years must have brought her great comfort. Your relationship was quite special and while this makes the loss so very painful, I do believe that your closeness and warm memories will bring you solace in the days and months ahead. Know that I am thinking of you and your mom.

Fondly,

Marie

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Originally published at www.legacy.com


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Should You Write Facebook Condolences or a Sympathy Note?

6/12/2020

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Many friends and family members announce the death of a loved one on Facebook so that's where I most often learn there's been a death. In this day and age, social media is the most expedient way to communicate personal news and yet Facebook death announcements feel so impersonal, as do the many condolence posts that friends share.

 I'm no longer a frequent Facebook user so sometimes I learn there's been a death belatedly. I am always on the fence on how to respond to these announcements. If I write on a friend's Facebook wall, will my message sound trivial? If I don't write on a friend's wall, will they think I do not care? The biggest dilemma we each face: Do you post a condolence message on Facebook or do you write a traditional condolence note?

I always write a note of sympathy so the decision is not too hard for me.  Having been bereaved myself, I know the healing power of written condolences and I like to think sympathy notes will be re-read and cherished during the period of mourning.

And yet Facebook communication is so tempting because it is immediate. If you write on a friend's wall, they will instantly know that you care. Instead, if you write a sympathy note, they will have to wait a few days until the note arrives.

Is it worth the wait? For me personally, I believe it is. But we are each unique and you will need to decide yourself how you want to console your bereaved friends and loved ones. While Facebook is immediate, the posts are often short and quickly written. Notes with personal messages of condolence take time and are usually well thought out. I believe they are meaningful and well worth the time and effort it takes to write and deliver.


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Belated Sympathy Notes - Two Perspectives

2/10/2020

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You were busy, you were at a loss for words, or you just procrastinated: Whatever reason, you never wrote a sympathy note. Is it OK to write one now, three, six, or 12 months late?

My perspective on belated condolences shifted when a bereaved spouse shared: “The bereaved never ‘get over’ missing their loved ones, and they appreciate knowing that you are remembering them, too.” She compared a  note of sympathy to all conversations about the bereaved. She wanted to continue to hear stories about her beloved spouse, whether they came in a note or were shared via conversation.

A recently bereaved wife reached out to let me know she did not agree. She felt it was not appropriate to send belated condolences. As a mother and a breadwinner, she had no choice but to put one foot in front of the other every day to get to work, drive her children to school, and resume her life. She has rough days, but she also has days where she functions well. Sometimes she even feels a bit like her old self. And then she gets a belated sympathy note that tugs at her heart and sets her back for days. She wonders whether a belated sympathy note is more about making the sender feel better for making an effort than it is about comforting the bereaved.

I don’t just write about loss, I have conversations with the bereaved to understand loss from a range of perspectives. My advice is grounded in firsthand accounts, and I like to think that I am an advocate for extending levels of support that help the bereaved heal.

One thing I have learned is how personal loss is and unique for each of us. Everyone grieves based on his or her experience, relationships, and life history. There are guidelines for supporting the bereaved, but no hard-and-fast rules. Each mourner is different, and what comforts one person can hurt another. And mourning itself is fraught with intense pain, sadness, and isolation. Anger is part of the grief process, and it is easy to misplace that anger.

When it comes to belated condolences, I understand both points of view. Try to get your sympathy notes written within a reasonable period. If you are late, stick to the basics and avoid heart-wrenching memories. Just bear in mind the point of your note; you would like the bereaved to know they and their loved ones are not forgotten.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.​
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Image by Diane Nassy Orange Flower - Gocco Screenprinted note card via photopin (license)

Copyright and Adapted from Legacy.com. Used with permission.

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Belated Sympathy Notes

1/15/2020

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For whatever reason, you never got around to writing that sympathy note. Maybe you are pressed for time or it felt too hard. Now it is weeks and months later and you wonder, "How late is too late when it comes to writing a message of condolence?" As one widow shares, “It's never too late. It's not as if we finish grieving and ‘forget’ that our loved one died.” A loved one’s death is always in the hearts and minds of the bereaved.

Here are some tips on belated condolence notes:

  • Whether you just learned of a death or procrastinated for months, don’t be afraid to reach out.
  • Begin your sympathy message with an expression of how you are feeling. For example: “I just wanted you to know that Susan is often in my thoughts and I remember her with love, as I know you do."
  • Follow with additional thoughts, a personal story or memory of the deceased, and your expression of sympathy.
  • The bereaved will be grieving for a long time and your thoughtfulness and care will help in the healing process.
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Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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How to Write Sympathy Notes

5/2/2019

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When we hear there's been a death, our first impulse is to respond quickly by writing a sympathy note. But waiting to send a condolence note is okay too. It’s in the weeks and months ahead, when mourning takes place, that people might most appreciate a sympathy note.

The following are some tips for preparing heartfelt sympathy notes, which can be sent the traditional way – on printed cards or notepaper – or via technology, such as e-mail or online Guest Books:

  • Wait a day, a week or a few weeks to digest the news and collect personal thoughts before writing the note.
  • Begin with a sentence that expresses sadness for the loss.
  • Use the sentences that follow to articulate personal feelings, memories, anecdotes, and any ways the deceased touched others and made a difference.
  • Draft the note first. Then, edit, revise, and proofread before writing the final note.
  • Allow the note to sit for a day before sending it. Re-read it to ensure it reflects the true message that it is intended to convey.
  • Include the sender’s address on the envelope, or the e-mail address in the online Guest Book, to make it easier for recipients to respond back, should the recipient wish to do so.
​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

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