It's been many years since a family member was diagnosed with cancer yet I still recall the shock of hearing the news. Friends and other family members were equally disturbed and their responses often added to my stress. Months later when my family member was on the mend, I was able to look at the experience from a different perspective. I realized that people are often distressed when hearing difficult news and they just do not know what to say. 

So how can you avoid the pitfalls of others before you?

Here’s what should you NEVER say to someone or their loved one diagnosed with cancer:

• For starters, hold yourself together and don’t cry; the bearer of this difficult news barely has the strength to tell you and they surely don’t have the emotional resources to comfort you.
• If you had to get cancer, this is a good one to get; no cancer is a good one to get. Surprisingly, even a clergy member said this.
• Can they treat it? Maybe they can and maybe they can’t, but this is a topic the patient or family member should bring up, not you.
• What’s the prognosis? Who really knows? As one friend shared, “It’s a bell curve and who knows where I’ll end up.”
• I know a lot of people who had that and they’re fine. This does not make anyone feel better and it takes the attention away from someone who needs comfort and support.
• Everyone’s got to die from something.

One of the best thing you can say to someone is, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this." And if you are willing, "I'd like to help. I'll keep checking back to see what I can do."

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.​​​​​​​​
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Image via stock.xchng / magnetas

Years ago, our book club had a discussion, and it was not about books. One of our members had a friend who was terminally ill. She chose to see only her family and told her friends she was not accepting visitors. Our member shared that this was one of her best friends and she asked, “What can I do?”

One of our members was a social worker. “If this happened to me,” she said, “I would set up a lawn chair outside her house until she would see me.” I take a different view.

When it comes to illness or or our own death, each of us has the right to call the shots. Our personal desires should guide our decisions on who we are going to see and when.

So what can you do when a loved one wants their privacy? You can respect it.

I know how hard this is because  I have faced this same dilemma. You can’t know how a friend or loved one is feeling, physically or mentally, and you have to allow them their privacy. And you should let them spend their remaining days exactly as they wish.

What you can do is keep in touch without intruding. You can send a note or card, an email, flowers, or their favorite comfort food. Leave the door open by communicating that you would love to keep in touch and you would like to support them in any way.

As hard as it may be for you, do what they have asked. That’s one of the best gifts you can give them.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Nothing prepares us for difficult news. Friends or loved ones may say, “I have something I need to tell you,” or, “I wish I could tell you this in person.” When we hear these words, most of us understand we’re going to learn something that’s not easy to hear.

Cancer is a scary thing. Even with medical advances and longer life spans, we still fear the word cancer. And that’s not the only disease that frightens us. What do you say when a friend or loved one shares, “I’ve been diagnosed with cancer (or some other difficult illness)?”

Most likely, you’re caught by surprise. So you may respond honestly, “I’m shocked as you must be. I don’t know anything about this cancer (or other illness).” That leaves the door open for your friend or loved one to explain things. While they’re talking, you should have enough time to get your bearings. When there is a lull in the conversation, you might ask, “How are you doing with all of this?”

What doesn’t help? Crying or showing your distress. Your friend or loved one is dealing with their own emotions and fears; it’s not their job to comfort you. This is one of those times when you need to gather your strength and put on a strong front. Shed your tears in private and confide your fears to someone else.

When the news is shocking we must stand tall. And lend our strength to the loved ones that need it.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Despite medical breakthroughs and longer life expectancy, many diagnoses are still frightening. And it can be hard to know how to communicate with a patient and their loved ones. That’s what happened to a friend. Her best friend’s mom was diagnosed and treated for cancer. Things were on an even keel and then the cancer came back. The best friend isn’t willing to discuss it and my friend wonders what’s appropriate to say or do for the mom? When you don’t know how things stand and someone isn’t open to discussing it, what are your options?

A personal note is a kind and nonintrusive way to let someone know you care. It gives you the ability to reach out and allows the patient the opportunity to decide whether they want to pursue any further contact. Whatever the outcome, you’ve delivered your message.

So what do you say to someone dealing with a difficult illness? You say you care, for example:

Dear Mrs. Peters,

I’ve thought of you often these last few months. I haven’t wanted to intrude, but wanted you to know how much I care for you. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope for the very best outcome.

With much warmth,

Cindy

​​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store
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