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Don’t Ask the Bereaved to: "Call Me if You Need Anything."

1/16/2023

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It’s hard to know how to help the bereaved so friends and loved ones might think it appropriate to ask the bereaved to call if they need anything. While the sentiment is sincere, asking, “Please call me,” places a burden on someone grieving a loss; someone who can barely muster the energy to get out of bed in the morning.

The bereaved won’t call. Mourners are too drained to take the initiative, don’t know what to ask for, or don’t know what someone is willing to do. And what if the bereaved do take the initiative to call and ask for help? Chances are friends or loved ones won’t be available exactly when assistance is needed. And the last thing someone grieving a loss needs is to ask for help and be turned down.

So how do friends and loved ones reach out and extend the needed support?

1. Offer something that’s comfortable for you to do. Suggest dropping off a dinner on Thursday or Friday and ask, “Which day is best?” One friend makes a point of calling before heading out to the grocery or pharmacy to see if the bereaved has errands that she can run with her own.  

2. Make your offer specific.  For example, communicate which day you have free time and volunteer to come visit, help, or run an errand. One friend made a standing offer of two free hours every Tuesday, helping the bereaved organize the mail and answer correspondence. Another friend stayed in the house and watched the children for a few hours, allowing the bereaved uninterrupted time to handle chores.

3. If doing something anonymous is more comfortable, drop off a gift. Neighbors grieving a loss were appreciative of a dozen bagels left on their doorstep. Another friend was touched to arrive home and find a home-baked banana bread in the mailbox.

The bereaved will need much support in the short- and long-term. Whatever specific help you can extend will be appreciated.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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New Year, Fresh Perspective

1/2/2023

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It's impossible to avoid sad news. Friends and loved ones are diagnosed with terminal illnesses while others we know struggle with chronic issues. Difficult news is all around us. 

My daughters get frightened as they learn of friends in their social circle who are dealing with profound loss with either a parent or other family member. I cannot assure them that this won’t happen to them; it will, eventually. What I can do is encourage them to live their life fully, with as few regrets as possible.

It’s a new year full of possibilities. Yet none of us truly knows what the year has in store for us. We can follow the healthiest of life’s guidelines, but that will not necessarily protect us from harm.
The adage is to live your life as if each day were your last. That is not only tough to do, for along with it comes too much pressure. So what can we do to feel as if we are living our lives richly and fully?
  1. For starters, be cognizant of what is important to you. Ask yourself, “What do I value, and am I living my life in a way that respects those principles?” If not, you have an opportunity to identify and establish ways to honor your values and make your life more meaningful.
  2. Be present in your life. Tune out all distractions to focus on the book you are reading, conversations with family and friends, physical movement, the outdoors, and just to enjoy your environment.
  3. Pay attention to technology. It makes our lives easier and gives us greater access to connect with information and people, but it monopolizes our precious time and can infringe on our relationships. Feel free to turn it off regularly.
  4. Lastly, set aside time each day for play. We define play as activities that you enjoy so much that you lose track of time. Even a half hour of daily play goes a long way in enhancing your pleasure and well being.  ​​
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Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Always a Child - Keeping Their Memory Alive

11/11/2022

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What can you do when a child dies and you want to keep their memory alive? That's what one mom asked. She was deep in grief and she didn’t want her little girl forgotten. She wanted her daughter to remain a part of her life, but she was in so much pain, she couldn't figure out how to do it.

When our son and daughter died in infancy, my husband and I also searched for ways to remember and honor their memory. We donated a rocking chair to the children's hospital where they were treated because there were never enough rocking chairs. We attached a plaque that noted it was in our children's memory and the doctors told us they thought of us whenever they used the chair. We also donated children's books to a library and had labels affixed in memory of our children and we established and donated to a research fund at the hospital where they were treated.

In Elizabeth Edwards' book, "Saving Graces," she shares a number of things she did to keep her teenage son Wade's memory and spirit alive. She donated funds to create a computer lab in his memory at a local school and she also volunteered there. To remember Wade on the first anniversary of his death, she worked with a local ice cream store and prepaid for a number of cones. She then printed vouchers for a free ice cone in Wade’s memory that she distributed to children on the anniversary of his death.

A reader shared something similar; she ordered from a fast food restaurant and when it was time to pay, she was told her bill had been paid. She was given a certificate that said she had been gifted with a random act of kindness in memory of a deceased child and It included a website that was a memorial to the child. The same reader shared that a friend’s family made magnets to remember their beloved daughter and sister. They chose a quote: “Remember Cathy and live life with a shout not a whisper.” They had the quotes printed on regular printer paper and used magnet kits purchased at office supply stores. Family members keep the magnets on their refrigerators and it gives them an opportunity to think and talk about Cathy.

If you, too, are aware of creative ways to keep your loved one’s memory alive, please share them with us in the comments.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

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What Not to Do Following a Death

10/3/2022

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A young woman eight months pregnant gave birth to a stillborn baby. Overcome with grief, she asked her supervisor to share the news with her colleagues by e-mail so she would not have to individually communicate her devastating news. It seemed a simple request, but when she returned to work, she learned her supervisor did not notify her colleagues and they were each stunned when she painfully shared the news. Not knowing what to say or do, they avoided her and she felt shunned and alone in her grief. After a few months, she quit her job and left the company.

Afraid to say the wrong thing, many people stay away following a death. But it is important to understand how our actions, or lack of action, impact the loss that friends, family members, colleagues, and community members are experiencing. 

Here's what you should not do:

• Do not stay away; death is isolating and when you stay away, it will make the bereaved feel even more alone.

• Do not avoid returning phone calls from the bereaved.

• Do not refuse the bereaved when you are asked to help.

• Do not disregard family wishes for donations and make them instead to your pet cause.

• Do not avoid communicating the difficult news of the death, placing the burden on the bereaved.

• Do not ask the bereaved to do something for you when they can barely take care of themselves.

• Do not ask the bereaved for details.

• Do not ask for a possession of the deceased or ask for something back that you had given them.

• Do not pay a visit and expect to be fed or entertained.

• Do not expect the bereaved to reciprocate your kindness – this is one of those occasions where the bereaved will pay it forward, when they are able. 

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.​​​​​​​​

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Tips for Visiting Someone Who Is Ill

8/3/2022

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A friend sent an email asking friends to visit her ailing spouse. She shared that he’s at home recovering from an accident and is lonely while she's at work. Her message indicated that her spouse tires easily after at-home therapy and while it’s clear he could use companionship, he has yet to regain his stamina.

Many of us have friends and loved ones who are ill, recuperating from surgery, or undergoing treatment and we would like to visit and show support. This is a kind gesture, but visits can overwhelm the patient. Here are some guidelines for a positive interaction:
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  1. Allow the patient to suggest a day and time so it meets their needs.
  2. Plan on visiting fifteen to thirty minutes. If you see the patient becoming tired or restless, these are probably signs that it is time to leave. If they ask you to remain longer, you can decide whether to stay.
  3. Direct your conversation to the patient. Avoid discussing your plans, life, or problems. This visit is all about the patient.
  4. Avoid asking intrusive questions about their diagnosis, prognosis, or difficulties.
  5. Do inquire how they are feeling but, take your cues from the patient on safe topics of discussion.
  6. Call ahead to see if the patient would like you to pick up lunch or a treat. If they would enjoy lunch, suggest a deli and ask what type of sandwich they prefer. Or, inquire what coffee or tea they like and pick one up for them and yourself on the way over. A little treat such as a biscotti, cookie, or muffin may be appreciated during your visit or after.
  7. During your phone call, ask if there is an errand you can run, such as picking up a prescription or an item at the grocery store.
  8. If you would like to bring a little gift consider something that requires little maintenance. Avoid fussy flowers and choose a plant instead. Or bring a book, magazine, or a gift card so they can choose their own diversion - something to keep the patient occupied as they recuperate.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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The Gift of Listening

5/25/2022

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We are living in strange times. You might wonder how you can possibly make a difference in the life of someone dealing with a major disappointment, frightening health issue, medical testing, illness or treatment, or mourning the death of their loved one. And yet there is something powerful you can do that costs nothing but your time. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone facing difficulty is the willingness to listen.

Listening doesn't come easy. It is a skill, just like speaking and writing, and like any skill, you need to practice: The more you practice, the better you become.

We each have the ability to give this all-important gift – our time and attention. Here are some strategies to help you become a better listener:
 

1. Choose a private and comfortable place to talk. It could be on the phone, FaceTime, Zoom, Skype or any other mutual option.

2. Disregard your own feelings and thoughts and focus solely on the speaker.

3. Look directly at the speaker, if appropriate.

4. Avoid interruptions and don't talk.

5. Demonstrate warmth in your voice and your facial expressions.

6. Change position if you find your mind wandering or feel you are slipping away. 

7. Stay calm and be patient. 

8. Keep in mind that your attentive listening is better than anything you could possibly say.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

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What Can You Possibly Say?

4/25/2022

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I’m reading a murder mystery and the victim is a male adolescent. A group of parents whose children were friends with the victim meet to console one another. One parent asks, “Has anyone been in touch with his parents?” Other parents respond, “No. What could we possibly say?”

While this might be fiction, the dilemma is not. Many people shy away from the bereaved, or even the sick, because they don’t know what to say. Or, they stay away for fear they’ll say the wrong thing.

If you worry about saying the wrong thing, your fears are justified. Judging from the comments I receive, people frequently say inappropriate things to the sick and bereaved. I sometimes wonder why or how people could possibly say such insensitive things. That is, until I find myself once again in their shoes.

It’s natural to want to console and comfort but this does not come easy when hearing shocking news. And bad news is always shocking because we’re never prepared to hear it. A neighbor’s cancer diagnosis, a baby’s death before birth, a friend’s spouse who dies suddenly, or a loved one requiring emergency surgery. The unexpected can leave me grasping for words. 

So what do I do and what might help you when faced with terribly sad and shocking losses? I stop, I focus, and I think before I speak. If I’m face-to-face, I might extend my hand in comfort or give a hug. I might say, quite truthfully, “I’m so sorry,” with an emphasis on the word “so.” I might ask how I can be of help or offer to do something specific, such as making some calls or sending emails to notify others. Before I say anything else, I give myself the time to absorb and process the news.
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The one thing I find that truly helps is to let someone know I care. And not too long ago, when I needed support, a dear friend did just that. As our conversation came to an end she closed by saying “I love you.” It was just what I needed to hear. Maybe someone you know needs to hear it too.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.


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Will You Get To Say Goodbye?

2/25/2022

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This morning I read in an obituary that a woman in my community “Left this life peacefully in the arms of her husband, children and grandchildren.” Another obituary stated, “She died peacefully surrounded by her loving family.” 

The deaths described sound almost surreal. Is it realistic for us to want to have this type of death experience with our own loved ones? And if so, are we setting ourselves up for disappointment? How often does someone get to be there when their loved one dies? And what if we are there and the death is anything but peaceful?

I began to wonder about this topic when a good friend shared with me a deep-seated disappointment that she was unable to be present at her mother’s death. She always thought she would be there to hold her hand and say goodbye as her mom passed peacefully away. Instead, her mother died unexpectedly, in a hospital, with no family present. My friend received a phone call announcing her mother’s death and she is having a terribly hard time getting past this.

Today’s obituaries have caused me to wonder, does being present at a death impact the depth of pain or the intensity of mourning? Does it make a difference if you have an opportunity to say that last goodbye?

My friend is not the only one who feels remorse following a loved one’s death. Others have shared with me that they did not have a chance to say goodbye, they did not recall the last time they said, “I love you,” and many had loose ends in their relationships that they thought they would have time to resolve.

What can we learn from these experiences? Be realistic and do not wait for the time of death to open your heart. Say “I love you” often so you will not wonder when you said it last. Don’t wait to mend your relationships; there may never be the right time to do so. Keep in touch frequently and let your friends and loved ones know they matter. Live your life lovingly and with care and you just may have fewer regrets.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.​​​​​​​
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Photo via photopin (license) What I got to do to make you love me?

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The Importance of Tangible Memories

1/17/2022

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There are reminders of my mother all over the house; the family heirlooms I inherited, the gifts she gave me, family photographs, and the personal items I chose to save. I would not part with the family heirlooms or her handwritten recipe cards, but what about all the letters, cards, and her personal items I elected to keep?

At home - still - with time on our hands, many of us are tackling the job of cleaning out our stuff, a massive decluttering effort. We're finding it a real dilemma to identify the personal memorabilia we would like to preserve,  especially if it is from a deceased loved one.

Some people find it easy, like my friend who recounted all the “stuff” he inherited after his mother died. There were photos of friends and relatives he could no longer identify and stacks of cards and letters he had no time to read. He was ready to achieve a sense of closure so he selected a few cards and letters and shredded the rest.

I am too sentimental and a saver as well. I was unable to part with my things so I bought sturdy letter boxes in pretty colors and organized all my cards, letters, and memorabilia by sender, stacking the boxes on a shelf in the guest room closet. Now I am at the point where I am assessing my “stuff” and using the following criteria as a gauge: “Will I be interested in reading or handling this item in ten years?” Remarkably, the answer is often no, so I find myself taking the time to read – and shred.

Some items are too precious to lose. The letters from my husband when he was in the military articulate a part of our personal history as well as that of the times. Tucked in that box was a letter from my mom giving my husband a connection to home as well as a heads up that a chocolate chip banana bread was on the way. And then there are the two envelopes from my mother with each of my daughter's names, containing every single letter my daughters ever wrote to her. I thought that envelop would be easy to clear, but the first one I read shared the news, “We sold the house at 10 am and celebrated with dinner at Pizza Hut.” Send that one to the shredder? I sheepishly admit that that one – and all the others in the pack – made it back to the pretty colored box. My girls will have to decide on those themselves.

​I will now confess I saved every letter and card my mother ever wrote to me. I was able to put them in chronological order by the addresses on the envelopes. I took a weekend and re-read every letter and card, going back to college. I considered it a wonderful re-visit with my mom and then I chose a few letters and cards and shredded the rest. 
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We will all be faced with this dilemma one day. For some it will be easy: just toss it out. For others, not so. It is a challenge to part with the mementos that so vividly bring back the essence of our loved ones.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.​​

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Teaching Children to Comfort the Bereaved

9/10/2021

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I learned to be comfortable with the bereaved because at a young age, I was the bereaved. I witnessed firsthand how young friends, their parents, my neighbors, teachers, school officials, relatives, and family friends treated and interacted with me upon learning of my father's death.

And yet it was my mom who taught me how to comfort the bereaved. She connected by phone, cooked a meal, visited the bereaved, and continued to help long past when others ceased to call. It was her model that I emulated and used to teach my own children: death is a part of life and the bereaved need our support.

Not everyone feels at ease comforting the bereaved. And if you’re not comfortable, how will you teach your child to be comfortable? One of the ways to instill compassion in your child is to work on a comforting activity together. This is how my neighbor Susan did it.

Susan and her best friend Abby were pregnant at the same time. Susan’s baby, Lisa, was healthy; Abby’s baby, Beth, wasn’t. Beth was born with a disfiguring congenital defect for which there was no cure or repair and her parents were told that she had only months to live.

Susan and her daughter spent a lot of time with Abby and Beth as well as Abby’s older daughter Sara. Beth died at age two, having lived much longer than expected. Susan, a gifted writer, chose to write the story of Beth’s life. She wanted big sister Sara to know that despite Beth’s disfiguring illness, she was much loved and during her short time on earth, her life was meaningful and she made a difference.

While working on the project, Susan shared what she was doing with her daughter Lisa and Lisa colored the illustrations Susan had drawn. Together, Susan and Lisa presented the book to Abby and Sara. Abby has shared that during the five years since Beth’s death Sara continues to get comfort from the book. She shares it with new friends as it is a comfortable way to tell the story of Beth’s short life and death.

Since Beth’s death, Susan has used her writing talents on several occasions. She has written stories and poems for friends and loved ones who are bereaved. Now, Lisa offers to draw the illustrations. She’s learned firsthand from a compassionate mom how to be compassionate too.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

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Image: stock.xchng/kslyesmith

Adapted and previously published Legacy.com  Used with permission


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