When you ask the bereaved “How are you,” what do you expect they’ll say? Should they be honest and tell you “I’m just awful.” Or, should they keep their true feelings hidden and appease you with, “Just fine, thanks for asking?”

A friend who is widowed says this question is a hot button for her. She would love to answer, “Dreadful; I just lost the love of my life.” But she too takes the high road and answers “Okay.”

The expression that always irked me was “Call me if you need anything.” It’s tough for someone bereaved and grieving to pick up the phone and ask for help. Chances are they don’t have the energy to call or have no idea what to ask for. And what if they do call and ask for your help and you say you’re not available or you can’t do it? It’s painful to be rejected but even more so when grieving a loss.

So what can you say? Ask, "How are you doing today?" or, “How are you doing with all this?” An alternative to give me a call is “What can I do to help?” Or, be more specific; “Can I bring dinner on Thursday?” or, “I’m on my way to the grocery store; what can I pick up for you?”

Try putting yourself in someone else’s shoes before speaking. How would you feel if asked this question? How would you like someone to help you? Empathy goes a long way in helping a friend or loved feel your support.

When you see a friend, community member, or neighbor who’s just experienced a loss, what do you do? Do you fear you’ll say the wrong thing and walk in another direction, hoping they didn’t see you? Or, do you approach them? If so, what do you say?

If you avoid the bereaved for fear you’ll say the wrong thing, you risk hurting them. Loss is very isolating and if you deliberately keep your distance, you’ll isolate the bereaved even more.

It’s important to acknowledge the loss and a simple greeting is all that’s required. It could be a sincere, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or, “I was terribly sorry to hear the news about your mom.”  

Some people may think these expressions trite but in truth, you are terribly sorry for their loss. These expressions work because they’re sincere and simple. It’s when you try to elaborate with something of more substance that you often get into trouble and say the wrong thing.  

Recently, a friend encountered a truly awful loss. When I first saw her, “I’m so sorry for your loss” seemed inadequate. Instead, I hugged her close and said, “You’re in my heart.” As she hugged me back, I knew it had been the right thing to say. In the weeks and months ahead, there will be plenty of time to say more.

Death is unlike any other experience; no matter how often we are faced with it, we don’t necessarily get better at dealing with it. It never becomes easier or more comfortable to offer condolences or extend support to someone grieving a painful loss.

And no matter the circumstances, it’s crucial to communicate, despite your comfort level. Death and any loss are very isolating and staying away compounds the loss.

But what should you do when you’re truly at a loss for words? What do you say?

When bereaved myself, I saw a neighbor. She gave me a hug and said, “This must be such a difficult time. I don’t know what to say.” But she said it all; she validated what was happening in my life, let me know she cared by approaching and hugging me, and was honest in her feelings. And what she said and did was right on target.

I encourage everyone to reach out to someone facing a death, illness, or difficult time so individuals don’t face even more isolation. It’s okay to let someone know, “I don’t know what to say.” In reaching out, your actions speak volumes. You’re saying, “I know this is a difficult time and I care.” And that says a lot.

A supervisor learns that the sister of one of her employees has died while on vacation. It does not appear to be from natural causes and they suspect foul play. The organization sent flowers and a condolence note but, the employee is due back at work in two days and the supervisor wonders, "What will I say?"

You learn that an acquaintance has a terminal illness and he is receiving treatment. Before you can send a note or a card, you bump into him on the street. What do you say? Are there any words of comfort for a terminal illness?

Many of us face this dilemma. We send cards, write notes, express our concern, but when placed face-to-face with the individual dealing with loss, we just can not fathom what comforting words to say.

Whether someone is terminally ill or dealing with sudden or shocking death, their world is turned upside down. It is hard to function in that state of mind and yet, here they are, trying to continue their lives in the spirit in which they have lived. So when you see them at work, at a meeting, on the street, or in a restaurant, an appropriate response is, “I’m so glad to see you,” said with a handshake, a hug, or whatever greeting feels appropriate.

Do not avoid or shy away from someone dealing with illness or loss. Greet them and let them know you care. And do it every time you see them. It is how each of us would like to be treated in our time of need.