Category: What To Say

Will You Get To Say Goodbye?

6/24/2019

This morning I read in an obituary that a woman in my community “Left this life peacefully in the arms of her husband, children and grandchildren.” Another obituary stated, “She died peacefully surrounded by her loving family.”

The deaths described sound almost surreal. Is it realistic for us to want to have this type of death experience with our own loved ones? And if so, are we setting ourselves up for disappointment? How often does someone get to be there when their loved one dies? And what if we are there and the death is anything but peaceful?

I began to wonder about this topic when a good friend shared with me a deep-seated disappointment that she was unable to be present at her mother’s death. She always thought she would be there to hold her hand and say goodbye as her mom passed peacefully away. Instead, her mother died unexpectedly, in a hospital, with no family present. My friend received a phone call announcing her mother’s death and she is having a terribly hard time getting past this.

Today’s obituaries have caused me to wonder; does being present at a death impact the depth of pain or the intensity of mourning? Does it make a difference if you have an opportunity to say that last goodbye?

My friend is not the only one who feels remorse following a loved one’s death. Others have shared with me that they did not have a chance to say goodbye, they did not recall the last time they said, “I love you,” and many had loose ends in their relationships that they thought they would have time to resolve.

What can we learn from these experiences? Be realistic and do not wait for the time of death to open your heart. Say “I love you” often so you will not wonder when you said it last. Don’t wait to mend your relationships; there may never be the right time to do so. Keep in touch frequently and let your friends and loved ones know they matter. Live your life lovingly and with care and you just may have fewer regrets.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Photo via photopin (license) What I got to do to make you love me?

When You Don't Know What to Say

6/17/2019

The manager of a sales team learned that the sister of one of her employees died while on vacation. The facts surrounding the death appeared suspicious and the local authorities suspected foul play. The organization sent flowers and a condolence note, but there had been no personal contact with the bereaved employee who is now due back to work. The manager and her staff ponder, "What will I say?"

A neighbor faced a similar dilemma. She learned an acquaintance was diagnosed with a terminal illness and was receiving treatment. Before she could reach out with a note or a card, she bumped into him on the street. Tongue-tied she wondered, "What can I say?" Are there any words of comfort for a terminal illness?

Many of us face similar situations. We send cards, write notes, express our concern, but when placed face-to-face with the individual grappling with loss, we just can not fathom what words will bring comfort.

Whether someone is chronically or terminally ill or dealing with sudden or shocking death, their world is turned upside down. It is hard to function in that state of mind and yet, here they are, trying to continue their lives in the spirit in which they have lived. So when you see them at work, at a meeting, on the street, or in a restaurant, an appropriate response is, “I’m so glad to see you,” said with a handshake, a hug, or whatever greeting feels appropriate.

Do not avoid or shy away from someone dealing with illness or any type of loss. Greet them and let them know you care. And do it every time you see them. It is how each of us would like to be treated in our time of need.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store

What to Say and Do When a Baby Dies

5/14/2019

At a recent meeting, a business associate shared some dreadful news; a mutual acquaintance gave birth a few months ago and the baby died at seven weeks. She cried as she shared the news.

There is something profoundly tragic when a baby dies. The news is as shocking as it is rare; out of over 4 million births in the United States in 2006, 28,500 babies died before they were a year old.

You may have experience dealing with the death of adults and maybe children. But infant death is different and because of its rarity, you may not have much experience to draw from.

It’s important to support the bereaved. One of the best things you can do is to communicate, in person and in writing. Care and concern are very comforting and the bereaved will need it for a long time. When keeping in touch, don’t ask, “How are you?” They’re not going to tell you how awful they feel. What to say when you don't know what to say? “I just wanted to check in and say hello.” And ask, “Do you feel like some company?” or, “Can I bring you a coffee and stay for a visit?”

Expect that they’ll struggle with sadness for a long time. Don’t try to cheer them up or fix things. Don’t suggest what they should do or how they should feel. Instead, let them know that whatever they’re feeling, it’s okay. There is no roadmap in grief and everyone grieves differently and at their own pace.

It’s hard to be with someone in so much pain. But stay with them and keep in touch. Your willingness to listen is a gift as they will need to tell their story over and over again to make sense of it.

Your relationship will shift and become one-sided as they might be unable to engage in your life or meet your needs for some time to come. Don’t lose patience with their lingering grief. Lives do go on and eventually, their lives will too. If you remain a presence in their lives, your relationship will remain intact.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

No Cancer is a Good Cancer

4/11/2019

A young woman shared with friends and family that her mother was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She became frustrated when many of them told her, “At least your mom got a good cancer.” While it is true that thyroid cancer has a high survival rate, the young woman wondered, “How can any cancer be good?” In the months ahead, the young woman watched helplessly as her vital and energetic mom wrestled with fatigue and required afternoon naps. How was this good?

I understand how this young woman feels. When my 24-year old daughter was diagnosed with thyroid cancer many people, including a member of the clergy, told me, “If you have to get cancer this is a good one to get.” I was reeling from the shock and fear that my daughter had cancer and I couldn't understand how these insensitive comments were supposed to comfort or help.

In my case, the comments didn't stop there. A number of well-meaning people made a point to call me to share that other young women they knew who had had thyroid cancer were doing great. At the time, my daughter wasn’t. Not only did she require surgery, but radioactive iodine treatment to kill the remaining cancer cells. It would be months before she was well enough to return to work.

If you know anyone that has a cancer diagnosis, no matter the survival rate or expected outcome, please do not refer to their cancer as a good cancer. So what can you say or do when someone you care about or their loved one is diagnosed with cancer?

1. Friends and loved ones appreciate empathy. Communicate, “I’m sorry you have to go through this” or “I’m sorry to hear this.”
2. If someone tells you about a cancer or diagnosis with which you are unfamiliar you can say, “I don’t know anything about this form of cancer and the diagnosis. Can you explain it to me?”
3. Validate their feelings. If they express fear you can say, “I can understand where you are coming from.”
4. The most important thing you can do is listen. Allow them to cry, vent, or articulate their fears. That’s what friends do. Please keep in mind that any cancer, no matter how curable, is life altering.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Copyright www.legacy.com. Used with permission

photo credit: People of New Zealand via photopin (license)

How Do You Make Amends For Something You Said?

3/18/2019

It happens all the time. A friend, colleague or loved one shares something difficult and without giving it enough thought, we inadvertently say something inappropriate. What should we do when we know we've said the wrong thing to someone dealing with a loss?

My friend faced this dilemma. She attended a family dinner and said something to her sister-in-law that she immediately knew was out of line. She didn’t know what to do so she said nothing and her sister-in-law let it go. Even though the relationship seems fine and a year has passed, my friend still feels guilty every time she interacts with her sister-in-law and wonders if there is something she can say to make amends.

My friend could write a note and here’s what I recommended: Be honest – let her know that she is someone special in your life and your relationship is important. Mention that you said something to her a year ago at dinner and you’ve been at a loss ever since as to how you might apologize. You never meant to hurt her and you want to let her know how sorry you are for what was said. You can tell her how fortunate you feel to have her as a family member. And use the same close for your note that you’d use in other correspondence with her.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/82066314@N06/14274401760">I am Sorry</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>

How to Stay in Touch During Difficult Times

12/28/2018

I'm writing my last blog post of 2018 as a reminder - to you and to myself. We get so caught up in or own lives that it easy to forget others who might be ill, in treatment, facing a difficult time, or grieving a loss. We don't have the time to help everyone - but we do have the ability to reach out to someone. Is it worth fifteen or twenty minutes of your time to make a difference?

Six years ago I sat at my desk, sorting through papers when I saw the name of a friend at the top of my list. My friend had surgery and she’s been undergoing chemotherapy for the past two months. I periodically sent a card or called just to say hello but, I realized that morning that it had been a few weeks since I had checked in.

I made the phone call and had a nice chat. I learned that my friend was very uncomfortable and really just whiling away the days with little energy to pursue her normal routine. That’s where the cards and calls helped. She mentioned she gets a card now and then and she appreciates that someone has taken the time to let her know they’re thinking of her. I told myself to stop feeling guilty and made a plan to send a card the next week.

Cards and notes are easy to send and you don’t have to worry about disturbing someone as you may do with a phone call. Emails are great for keeping in touch but, there is something special about receiving a card or note in the mail.

Don’t spend too much time worrying about what to say in a note. A simple “I wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you” goes a long way and will make someone feel cared for. You can add “Book club or bridge is not the same without you” or “I miss crossing paths on my morning walk and look forward to seeing you soon.”

My friend got better, or so I thought, and I stopped following up. She died one year ago. I miss seeing her and wish I could give her a call or send her a note. So make your call or send a note; your thoughtfulness will go a long way in brightening someone’s day.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Dealing With Insensitivity Following a Death

12/11/2018

There seem to be no conversational boundaries when it comes to death. The bereaved are often subjected to inappropriate comments and questions that can shock, hurt, or leave us speechless. We are often left wondering, how can friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, and even acquaintances say or ask that?

It can be especially stressful when someone you truly care about hurts you. A week after my mother died a friend inquired, “Do you think she knew she was going to die?” I hadn’t pondered that question, but after our conversation, I could think of little else. And as much as the question pained me, I never told my friend; I did not want to lose her friendship.

I’m not alone. It is very hard to articulate your feelings when mourning a loss and even harder to do it tactfully. Sometimes it is not just inappropriate conversation; there are people who just cannot understand our loss or our pattern of grief. It can become too difficult for them or us to continue the relationship while we mourn our loss. It is not uncommon for the bereaved to distance themselves or walk away from some friendships.

So, how can you handle inappropriate comments or questions?

For starters it can be helpful to understand that most people genuinely feel sadness for you but, they just do not know what to say. Maybe they have never experienced a death so they have no way to put it into context. In their discomfort, something inappropriate pops out.
If someone makes you uncomfortable, remove yourself. If you are on the phone say, “I hear someone at the door” or “Another call is coming in.” If you are in person say, “It’s good to see you” and then exit. Or, “I have some other business to attend to.”
You can always draw a boundary and say, “I’m not prepared to discuss this.” Most people will back off but, it takes a lot of energy to deal with difficult questions and energy is what most bereaved lack.
Most important, surround yourself with supportive and understanding people while giving yourself the time and space to heal. There will always be understanding people who do know what to say and do, so gravitate to them.

***
Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Couple in a park photo via photopin (license)

copyright Legacy.com Used with permission

Texting Support During Difficult Times

12/4/2018

It is easy to become overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, and stress when faced with life’s difficulties, whether illness, death, or a personal crisis. Most of us intuitively know it’s important to be supportive during these troubling times, and yet it can be challenging despite our best efforts. One of my friends is facing that dilemma right now. Her best friend’s mother is dying of cancer, and my friend has reached out to her numerous times. Her friend does not respond to any of her communications as she is devoting all her time and energy to help her mom. My friend is frustrated as there appears nothing she can do, and she wants to help.

When someone is facing a daily crisis, they don’t have time or energy to answer queries. But that doesn’t mean that your emails, phone calls, or text messages are not appreciated. In fact, it’s possible your outreach helps them pull themselves together to face another hour or make it through the day.

Earlier this year I, too, faced a crisis. Friends and family were eager to keep in touch, and I was too overwhelmed to talk or return messages. I asked everyone to text me, and that way my phone alerted me when there was a message and the message remained on my screen until I opened my phone. I got text messages in the morning that asked how the evening before went and text messages before bed that queried how the day had gone. Each message made me feel less isolated, kept me connected, and helped me cope. My friend decided to try that approach. She periodically sent text messages that said: “Thinking of you,” “Miss you,” or “I'm here for you.” She didn’t expect a response and wasn’t disappointed when she didn’t get one.

Another friend took a different tact when her mom faced terminal cancer and updated everyone through Facebook posts. While many people are uncomfortable putting such personal details on social media, some find solace, as did my friend. Her Facebook friends who were uncomfortable with public posting reached her privately through Facebook Messenger. The many heartwarming responses comforted my friend, and when her mom died, the online community continued to rally around her.

We have many forms of communications that make it easy and less intrusive to reach others. Continue to seek out ways to stay in touch during difficult times as your efforts truly show you care.

How to Help Victims of Violent Crime

10/30/2018

This weekend the unthinkable happened – the mass killing at a Pittsburgh synagogue. It follows too many other mass killings at churches, schools, movie theaters, and numerous locations where we used to feel safe. Nothing in life prepares us for the traumatic experience of violent crime. Although violent crime rates have declined slightly in recent years, according to the FBI there has been an increase in active shooter incidents from 17 in 2013 to 20 in both 2014 and 2015.

Victims of violence and their families and friends experience crisis reactions; the levels of extremes will differ from person to person based on their personal situation at the time of the crime, the impact of the crime, and resulting injuries. As each person is unique, so are victim reactions, responses, and recovery. It is impossible to compare one experience, response, or recovery to another.

How the victim of a crime and their loved ones are treated immediately following the crime can impact their ability to cope and recover. They will need to know what comes next by way of the crime investigation and the resulting criminal justice process.

In times of crisis, friends, acquaintances, and loved ones willingly provide support. But support wanes along with the months, and it is easy to lose patience as time passes. You can play a pivotal role in the recovery process by remaining a presence in their life—no matter how long it takes. As Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”

What to say and do:

Express sympathy and sorrow for what has happened.
Anyone who has lost a loved one to a violent crime will need your caring patience. It takes a long time to heal, and they will need your support during the process.
Anger is a natural response to a violent crime. Listen with patience; the victim of crime is not looking for answers but an opportunity to vent their anger.
Recognize that they will grieve in their own way.
Do communicate your willingness to support the victim of crime in whatever ways you can. Individuals who have someone to lean on increase their chances of healing from the trauma.
Offer to help with basic necessities—grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, food preparation, child care, and carpooling—as they might find it impossible to resume their normal housekeeping and caregiver tasks.
Encourage them to participate in the judicial process to restore a sense of control.
Offer to listen. The individual will need to tell their story over and over again to process what has happened.
Allow them to grieve in their own way.
Encourage them to express their grief and sorrow for as long as they need.
Do continue to keep in touch with them and remember them during significant dates and difficult periods, such as the anniversary of the crime, a birthday, or holidays.

Suggestions on what to say:

I am here for you when you need me.
I care about you and will support you however you might need me.
I have never experienced this before; please let me know how I can help you.
I will always be your friend; nothing can change that.
I will miss him (her), too.
I’d like to help in any way I can.
It’s not your fault.
This was a terrible crime, and I am sorry it happened to you.
What you are feeling is normal.
You can talk to me at any time.
You did the best you could.
You were in no way to blame for what happened.

Adapted from How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say© by Robbie Miller Kaplan. All rights reserved.

Tips for Visiting Someone Who Is Ill

10/8/2018

A friend sent an email asking friends to visit her ailing spouse. She shared that he’s at home recovering from an accident and is lonely while she's at work. Her message indicated that her spouse tires easily after at-home therapy and while it’s clear he could use companionship, he has yet to regain his stamina.

Many of us have friends and loved ones who are ill, recuperating from surgery, or undergoing treatment and we would like to visit and show our support. This is a kind gesture, but visits can overwhelm the patient. Here are some guidelines for a positive interaction:

Allow the patient to suggest a day and time so it meets their needs.
Plan on visiting fifteen to thirty minutes. If you see the patient becoming tired or restless, these are probably signs that it is time to leave. If they ask you to remain longer, you can decide whether to stay.
Direct your conversation to the patient; avoid discussing your plans, life, or problems. This visit is all about the patient.
Avoid asking intrusive questions about their diagnosis, prognosis, or difficulties.
Do inquire how they are feeling but, take your cues from the patient on safe topics of discussion.
Call ahead to see if the patient would like you to pick up lunch or a treat. If they would enjoy lunch, suggest a deli and ask what type of sandwich they prefer. Or, inquire what coffee or tea they like and pick one up for them and yourself on the way over. A little treat such as a biscotti, cookie, or muffin may be appreciated during your visit or after.
During your phone call, ask if there is an errand you can run, such as picking up a prescription or an item at the grocery store.
If you would like to bring a little gift consider something that requires little maintenance. Avoid fussy flowers and choose a plant instead. Or, bring a CD. DVD, book, or magazine. Something to keep the patient occupied as they recuperate.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.
Adapted from www.legacy.com All rights reserved

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