This weekend the unthinkable happened – the mass killing at a Pittsburgh synagogue. It follows too many other mass killings at churches, schools, movie theaters, and numerous locations where we used to feel safe. Nothing in life prepares us for the traumatic experience of violent crime. Although violent crime rates have declined slightly in recent years, according to the FBI there has been an increase in active shooter incidents from 17 in 2013 to 20 in both 2014 and 2015.  

Victims of violence and their families and friends experience crisis reactions; the levels of extremes will differ from person to person based on their personal situation at the time of the crime, the impact of the crime, and resulting injuries. As each person is unique, so are victim reactions, responses, and recovery. It is impossible to compare one experience, response, or recovery to another.

How the victim of a crime and their loved ones are treated immediately following the crime can impact their ability to cope and recover. They will need to know what comes next by way of the crime investigation and the resulting criminal justice process.

In times of crisis, friends, acquaintances, and loved ones willingly provide support. But support wanes along with the months, and it is easy to lose patience as time passes. You can play a pivotal role in the recovery process by remaining a presence in their life—no matter how long it takes. As Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”

What to say and do:

• Express sympathy and sorrow for what has happened.
• Anyone who has lost a loved one to a violent crime will need your caring patience. It takes a long time to heal, and they will need your support during the process.
• Anger is a natural response to a violent crime. Listen with patience; the victim of crime is not looking for answers but an opportunity to vent their anger.
• Recognize that they will grieve in their own way.
• Do communicate your willingness to support the victim of crime in whatever ways you can. Individuals who have someone to lean on increase their chances of healing from the trauma.
• Offer to help with basic necessities—grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, food preparation, child care, and carpooling—as they might find it impossible to resume their normal housekeeping and caregiver tasks.
• Encourage them to participate in the judicial process to restore a sense of control.
• Offer to listen. The individual will need to tell their story over and over again to process what has happened.
• Allow them to grieve in their own way.
• Encourage them to express their grief and sorrow for as long as they need.
• Do continue to keep in touch with them and remember them during significant dates and difficult periods, such as the anniversary of the crime, a birthday, or holidays.

Suggestions on what to say:

• I am here for you when you need me.
• I care about you and will support you however you might need me.
• I have never experienced this before; please let me know how I can help you.
• I will always be your friend; nothing can change that.
• I will miss him (her), too.
• I’d like to help in any way I can.
• It’s not your fault.
• This was a terrible crime, and I am sorry it happened to you.
• What you are feeling is normal.
• You can talk to me at any time.
• You did the best you could.
• You were in no way to blame for what happened.

Adapted from How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say© by Robbie Miller Kaplan. All rights reserved.

When you see a friend, community member, or neighbor who’s just experienced a loss, what do you do? Do you walk in another direction, fearing you’ll say the wrong thing? Or, do you approach them? If so, what do you say?

If you avoid the bereaved because you are worried you’ll say the wrong thing, you risk hurting them. Loss is very isolating and if you deliberately keep your distance, you’ll isolate the bereaved even more.

It’s important to acknowledge the loss and a simple greeting is all that’s required. It could be a sincere, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or, “I was terribly sorry to hear the news about your mom.”  

Some people may think these expressions trite but in truth, you are terribly sorry for their loss. These words work because they’re sincere and simple. It’s when you try to elaborate with something of more substance that you often get into trouble and say the wrong thing.  

Recently, a friend encountered a truly awful loss. When I first saw her, “I’m so sorry for your loss” seemed inadequate. Instead, I hugged her close and said, “You’re in my heart.” As she hugged me back, I knew I chose the right thing to say. In the weeks and months ahead, there will be plenty of time to say more.

It’s not easy comforting the bereaved. What can you possibly say to someone feeling so much pain? And yet it is important to speak with the bereaved at any funeral ritual, including the visitation, service, reception, or Shiva.

Sometimes it’s not just what you say, but how you say it. “I’m sorry for your loss” is a very common phrase when approaching the bereaved. There is nothing wrong with this statement, but how you say it can be meaningful or meaningless.

I recently attended a funeral and a reception where a colleague of the bereaved spouse approached his adult daughter. He extended his hand and said, “I’m sorry for your loss.” She had no idea who he was and it was awkward. It would have been more meaningful had he introduced himself and said something like, “I’m Peter Smith and I worked with your dad. I never met your mom, but heard wonderful things about her. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Touch can be comforting when consoling the bereaved, but respect boundaries. If you know someone is not a hugger, give a warm touch to the arm or hand while expressing your sympathy. If it’s okay, give a hug and share your sadness at their loss.

There is nothing magic you can say to alleviate the pain of loss, but being present and expressing sincere condolences does provide solace.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is a leading condolence expert. Keep up-to-date on her latest posts by following her on https://www.facebook.com/robbiemillerkaplan.

photo/Georgena Eggleston

It’s hard to know how to help the bereaved so friends and loved ones might think it appropriate to ask the bereaved to call if they need anything. While the sentiment is sincere, asking, “Please call me,” places a burden on someone grieving a loss; someone who can barely muster the energy to get out of bed in the morning.

The bereaved won’t call. Mourners are too drained to take the initiative, don’t know what to ask for, or don’t know what someone is willing to do. And what if the bereaved do take the initiative to call and ask for help? Chances are friends or loved ones won’t be available exactly when assistance is needed. And the last thing someone grieving a loss needs is to ask for help and be turned down.

So how do friends and loved ones reach out and extend the needed support?

1. Offer something that’s comfortable for you to do. Suggest dropping off a dinner on Thursday or Friday and ask, “Which day is best?” One friend makes a point of calling before heading out to the grocery or pharmacy to see if the bereaved has errands that she can run with her own.  

2. Make your offer specific.  For example, communicate which day you have free time and volunteer to come visit, help, or run an errand. One friend made a standing offer of two free hours every Tuesday, helping the bereaved organize the mail and answer correspondence. Another friend stayed in the house and watched the children for a few hours, allowing the bereaved uninterrupted time to handle chores.

3. If doing something anonymous is more comfortable, drop off a gift. Neighbors grieving a loss were appreciative of a dozen bagels left on their doorstep. Another friend was touched to arrive home and find a home-baked banana bread in the mailbox.

The bereaved will need much support in the short- and long-term. Whatever specific help you can extend will be appreciated.

When you ask the bereaved “How are you,” what do you expect they’ll say? Should they be honest and tell you “I’m just awful.” Or, should they keep their true feelings hidden and appease you with, “Just fine, thanks for asking?”

A friend who is widowed says this question is a hot button for her. She would love to answer, “Dreadful; I just lost the love of my life.” But she too takes the high road and answers “Okay.”

The expression that always irked me was “Call me if you need anything.” It’s tough for someone bereaved and grieving to pick up the phone and ask for help. Chances are they don’t have the energy to call or have no idea what to ask for. And what if they do call and ask for your help and you say you’re not available or you can’t do it? It’s painful to be rejected but even more so when grieving a loss.

So what can you say? Ask, "How are you doing today?" or, “How are you doing with all this?” An alternative to give me a call is “What can I do to help?” Or, be more specific; “Can I bring dinner on Thursday?” or, “I’m on my way to the grocery store; what can I pick up for you?”

Try putting yourself in someone else’s shoes before speaking. How would you feel if asked this question? How would you like someone to help you? Empathy goes a long way in helping a friend or loved feel your support.