A young woman shared with friends and family that her mother was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She became frustrated when many of them told her, “At least your mom got a good cancer.” While it is true that thyroid cancer has a high survival rate, the young woman wondered, “How can any cancer be good?” In the months ahead, the young woman watched helplessly as her vital and energetic mom wrestled with fatigue and required afternoon naps. How was this good?
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 There seem to be no conversational boundaries when it comes to death. The bereaved are often subjected to inappropriate comments and questions that can shock, hurt, or leave us speechless. We are often left wondering, how can friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, and even acquaintances say or ask that?
It can be especially stressful when someone you truly care about hurts you. A week after my mother died a friend inquired, “Do you think she knew she was going to die?” I hadn’t pondered that question, but after our conversation, I could think of little else. And as much as the question pained me, I never told my friend; I did not want to lose her friendship. I’m not alone. It is very hard to articulate your feelings when mourning a loss and even harder to do it tactfully. Sometimes it is not just inappropriate conversation; there are people who just cannot understand our loss or our pattern of grief. It can become too difficult for them or us to continue the relationship while we mourn our loss. It is not uncommon for the bereaved to distance themselves or walk away from some friendships. So, how can you handle inappropriate comments or questions?
Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Couple in a park photo via photopin (license) copyright Legacy.com Used with permission  It’s hard to know how to help the bereaved so friends and loved ones might think it appropriate to ask the bereaved to call if they need anything. While the sentiment is sincere, asking, “Please call me,” places a burden on someone grieving a loss; someone who can barely muster the energy to get out of bed in the morning.
The bereaved won’t call. Mourners are too drained to take the initiative, don’t know what to ask for, or don’t know what someone is willing to do. And what if the bereaved do take the initiative to call and ask for help? Chances are friends or loved ones won’t be available exactly when assistance is needed. And the last thing someone grieving a loss needs is to ask for help and be turned down. So how do friends and loved ones reach out and extend the needed support? 1. Offer something that’s comfortable for you to do. Suggest dropping off a dinner on Thursday or Friday and ask, “Which day is best?” One friend makes a point of calling before heading out to the grocery or pharmacy to see if the bereaved has errands that she can run with her own. 2. Make your offer specific. For example, communicate which day you have free time and volunteer to come visit, help, or run an errand. One friend made a standing offer of two free hours every Tuesday, helping the bereaved organize the mail and answer correspondence. Another friend stayed in the house and watched the children for a few hours, allowing the bereaved uninterrupted time to handle chores. 3. If doing something anonymous is more comfortable, drop off a gift. Neighbors grieving a loss were appreciative of a dozen bagels left on their doorstep. Another friend was touched to arrive home and find a home-baked banana bread in the mailbox. The bereaved will need much support in the short- and long-term. Whatever specific help you can extend will be appreciated. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.  Here we are, almost three years in, and still in the midst of the pandemic. In "normal" times, it is easy for us to become overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, and stress when faced with life’s difficulties, whether illness, death, or a personal crisis: These are not normal times.
Most of us intuitively know it’s important to be supportive during troubling times, and yet it can be challenging despite our best efforts. Our friends, neighbors, loved ones, colleagues, and community members are facing a myriad of issues from health, unemployment, financial to mental health. You might reach out to them and get a response, and other times, no response. When someone is facing a daily crisis, they often do not have time or energy to answer queries. But that doesn’t mean that your emails, phone calls, or text messages are not appreciated. In fact, it’s possible your outreach helps them pull themselves together to face another hour or make it through the day. At one time I faced a crisis. Friends and family were eager to keep in touch, and I was too overwhelmed to talk or return messages. I asked everyone to text me, and that way my phone alerted me to messages and the message remained on my screen until I opened my phone. I got text messages in the morning that asked how the evening before went and text messages before bed that queried how the day had gone. Each message made me feel less isolated, kept me connected, and helped me cope. This is a helpful approach that is not intrusive. Periodically send text messages that say: “Thinking of you,” “Miss you,” or “I'm here for you.” Don't expect a response and you won't be disappointed when you don’t get one. Your ultimate goal is to be supportive. A friend took a different tact when her mom faced terminal cancer. She sought indirect support by updating everyone through Facebook posts. While many people are uncomfortable putting such personal details on social media, some find solace, as did my friend. Her Facebook friends who were uncomfortable with public posting reached her privately through Facebook Messenger. The many heartwarming responses comforted my friend, and when her mom died, the online community continued to rally around her. We have many forms of communications that make it easy and less intrusive to reach others. Continue to seek out ways to stay in touch during difficult times as your efforts truly show you care. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.  A friend sent an email asking friends to visit her ailing spouse. She shared that he’s at home recovering from an accident and is lonely while she's at work. Her message indicated that her spouse tires easily after at-home therapy and while it’s clear he could use companionship, he has yet to regain his stamina.
Many of us have friends and loved ones who are ill, recuperating from surgery, or undergoing treatment and we would like to visit and show support. This is a kind gesture, but visits can overwhelm the patient. Here are some guidelines for a positive interaction:
 I’m reading a murder mystery and the victim is a male adolescent. A group of parents whose children were friends with the victim meet to console one another. One parent asks, “Has anyone been in touch with his parents?” Other parents respond, “No. What could we possibly say?”
While this might be fiction, the dilemma is not. Many people shy away from the bereaved, or even the sick, because they don’t know what to say. Or, they stay away for fear they’ll say the wrong thing. If you worry about saying the wrong thing, your fears are justified. Judging from the comments I receive, people frequently say inappropriate things to the sick and bereaved. I sometimes wonder why or how people could possibly say such insensitive things. That is, until I find myself once again in their shoes. It’s natural to want to console and comfort but this does not come easy when hearing shocking news. And bad news is always shocking because we’re never prepared to hear it. A neighbor’s cancer diagnosis, a baby’s death before birth, a friend’s spouse who dies suddenly, or a loved one requiring emergency surgery. The unexpected can leave me grasping for words. So what do I do and what might help you when faced with terribly sad and shocking losses? I stop, I focus, and I think before I speak. If I’m face-to-face, I might extend my hand in comfort or give a hug. I might say, quite truthfully, “I’m so sorry,” with an emphasis on the word “so.” I might ask how I can be of help or offer to do something specific, such as making some calls or sending emails to notify others. Before I say anything else, I give myself the time to absorb and process the news. The one thing I find that truly helps is to let someone know I care. And not too long ago, when I needed support, a dear friend did just that. As our conversation came to an end she closed by saying “I love you.” It was just what I needed to hear. Maybe someone you know needs to hear it too. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.  When someone you care about is grieving, it can be hard to find the right words. Many of us hesitate to say anything to the bereaved, worrying that we’ll say the wrong thing. You don’t have to say much. But whether in person at the funeral, or in a condolence note sent with flowers, it’s important to acknowledge the loss and express your sympathy. The best advice for what to say after a death — keep it simple and speak from the heart.
It can be hard to know what to say to someone who’s experienced loss, but individuals facing loss need to feel they’re not alone. That’s why it is so important to make personal contact. When if was going through a particularly difficult time, someone said to me, "I don't know what to say, but this must be very hard for you." It turned out to be exactly the right thing to say as she was demonstrating empathy, acknowledging that even though she had never faced my experience, she understood that it was very difficult. It’s important to break the silence and acknowledge the loss. Communicate that you are sorry for their loss and, if appropriate, give them a hug, take their hand, or touch their arm. Also important: listening. Listeners are what mourners need most because it’s through telling our story that we begin to make sense of our loss. Listening supportively isn’t always easy, but it’s the best thing you can do for someone coping with the loss of a loved one. So how can we listen more effectively with friends and family?
This article was written by Robbie Miller Kaplan for LegacyConnect, Legacy’s grief support center. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.  This morning I read in an obituary that a woman in my community “Left this life peacefully in the arms of her husband, children and grandchildren.” Another obituary stated, “She died peacefully surrounded by her loving family.”
The deaths described sound almost surreal. Is it realistic for us to want to have this type of death experience with our own loved ones? And if so, are we setting ourselves up for disappointment? How often does someone get to be there when their loved one dies? And what if we are there and the death is anything but peaceful? I began to wonder about this topic when a good friend shared with me a deep-seated disappointment that she was unable to be present at her mother’s death. She always thought she would be there to hold her hand and say goodbye as her mom passed peacefully away. Instead, her mother died unexpectedly, in a hospital, with no family present. My friend received a phone call announcing her mother’s death and she is having a terribly hard time getting past this. Today’s obituaries have caused me to wonder, does being present at a death impact the depth of pain or the intensity of mourning? Does it make a difference if you have an opportunity to say that last goodbye? My friend is not the only one who feels remorse following a loved one’s death. Others have shared with me that they did not have a chance to say goodbye, they did not recall the last time they said, “I love you,” and many had loose ends in their relationships that they thought they would have time to resolve. What can we learn from these experiences? Be realistic and do not wait for the time of death to open your heart. Say “I love you” often so you will not wonder when you said it last. Don’t wait to mend your relationships; there may never be the right time to do so. Keep in touch frequently and let your friends and loved ones know they matter. Live your life lovingly and with care and you just may have fewer regrets. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Photo via photopin (license) What I got to do to make you love me?  At a recent meeting, a business associate shared some dreadful news; a mutual acquaintance gave birth a few months ago and the baby died at seven weeks. She cried as she shared the news.
There is something profoundly tragic when a baby dies. The news is as shocking as it is rare; out of over 4 million births in the United States in 2006, 28,500 babies died before they were a year old. You may have experience dealing with the death of adults and maybe children. But infant death is different and because of its rarity, you may not have much experience to draw from. It’s important to support the bereaved. One of the best things you can do is to communicate, in person and in writing. Care and concern are very comforting and the bereaved will need it for a long time. When keeping in touch, don’t ask, “How are you?” They’re not going to tell you how awful they feel. What to say when you don't know what to say? “I just wanted to check in and say hello.” And ask, “Do you feel like some company?” or, “Can I bring you a coffee and stay for a visit?” Expect that they’ll struggle with sadness for a long time. Don’t try to cheer them up or fix things. Don’t suggest what they should do or how they should feel. Instead, let them know that whatever they’re feeling, it’s okay. There is no roadmap in grief and everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. It’s hard to be with someone in so much pain. But stay with them and keep in touch. Your willingness to listen is a gift as they will need to tell their story over and over again to make sense of it. Your relationship will shift and become one-sided as they might be unable to engage in your life or meet your needs for some time to come. Don’t lose patience with their lingering grief. Lives do go on and eventually, their lives will too. If you remain a presence in their lives, your relationship will remain intact. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.  No matter how many times it happens, suicide is a sudden, unexpected, and tragic death that leaves the bereaved and the community badly shaken. I personally know this is a grim reality as it has happened to me. My great niece Emily recently died by suicide.
The bereaved - not just the immediate family but the entire community - not only feel the raw grief of sudden loss, but may wrestle with the question, over and over again, “Wasn’t there something I could have done to prevent this?” As one clergy member shares, “It is as unexplainable as a bolt of lightning; more actually, because we all know how to stay safe during a storm.” Suicide carries a stigma along with mental illness. It is important to keep in mind that mental illness is a disease; a chronic, cruel, and invisible disease that leaves family members isolated and lonely. What can you do to help? Treat the death and the bereaved with compassion, as you would for any death. Suicide is a cause of death and not a source of shame. Your expressions of grief should mirror those you share for any other death. What to say:
One of the most important things you can do for anyone experiencing a loss is to listen. The bereaved will need to tell their story over and over again to make sense of it. This is an experience that they may never get over, but in time, their feelings will stabilize. Stay the course; you’ll be glad you did. If you need help and want to talk to someone, or if you know someone who needs help, the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 800-273-8255. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Image Into Infinity via photopin (license) |
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AuthorRobbie’s goal is to help her readers communicate effectively when their loved ones, neighbors, colleagues, and community members face difficult times. |
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