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When You Don't Know What to Say

8/20/2021

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The manager of a sales team learned that the sister of one of her employees died while on vacation. The facts surrounding the death appeared suspicious and the local authorities suspected foul play. The organization sent flowers and a condolence note, but there had been no personal contact with the bereaved employee who is now due back to work. The manager and her staff ponder, "What will I say?"

A neighbor faced a similar dilemma. She learned an acquaintance was diagnosed with a terminal illness and was receiving treatment. Before she could reach out with a note or a card, she bumped into him on the street. Tongue-tied she wondered, "What can I  say?" Are there any words of comfort for a terminal illness?

Many of us face similar situations. We send cards, write notes, express our concern, but when placed face-to-face with the individual grappling with loss, we just can not fathom what words will bring comfort.

Whether someone is chronically or terminally ill or dealing with sudden or shocking death, their world is turned upside down. It is hard to function in that state of mind and yet, here they are, trying to continue their lives in the spirit in which they have lived. So when you see them at work, at a meeting, on the street, or in a restaurant, an appropriate response is, “I’m so glad to see you,” said with a handshake, a hug, or whatever greeting feels appropriate.

Do not avoid or shy away from someone dealing with illness or any type of loss. Greet them and let them know you care. And do it every time you see them. It is how each of us would like to be treated in our time of need.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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What to Say to a Bereaved Spouse

7/7/2020

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The beloved husband of a colleague died. Many folks my colleague encountered found it hard to say the right thing. Too often she was asked, “How are you doing?" She wondered, “What was I supposed to answer? The truth was ‘Horrible, of course!’ but I restrained myself."

I asked her to share what she wished folks had said so we could all learn how to better communicate with a grieving spouse. She me that we each grieve differently and statements that she liked might not work as well with others. These are her heartfelt suggestions:


1. “Tell me about him.”
With people who didn’t know him or barely knew him, this is a wonderful opening for me to talk about him.

2. “I miss him, too.”
From people who did know him, this is the perfect thing to say.

3. “Here’s what I loved about him” or “Here’s something special he did that I’ll always remember.”
How beautiful to add to my memories of him during this time.

She also advised that it is never too late to share thoughts or memories as memories are all that remain and they're truly appreciated. Reaching out to the bereaved is an act of kindness and we could all use some kindness these days.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

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How to Help Victims of Violent Crime

9/11/2019

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It happens in all of our communities - mass killings at churches, schools, shopping centers, movie theaters, and far too many locations where we used to feel safe. Nothing in life prepares us for the traumatic experience of violent crime. Although violent crime rates have declined slightly in recent years, according to the FBI there has been an increase in active shooter incidents from 17 in 2013 to 20 in both 2014 and 2015.  

Victims of violence and their families and friends experience crisis reactions; the levels of extremes will differ from person to person based on their personal situation at the time of the crime, the impact of the crime, and resulting injuries. As each person is unique, so are victim reactions, responses, and recovery. It is impossible to compare one experience, response, or recovery to another.

How the victim of a crime and their loved ones are treated immediately following the crime can impact their ability to cope and recover. They will need to know what comes next by way of the crime investigation and the resulting criminal justice process.

In times of crisis, friends, acquaintances, and loved ones willingly provide support. But support wanes along with the months, and it is easy to lose patience as time passes. You can play a pivotal role in the recovery process by remaining a presence in their life—no matter how long it takes. As Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”

What to say and do:
  • Express sympathy and sorrow for what has happened.
  • Anyone who has lost a loved one to a violent crime will need your caring patience. It takes a long time to heal, and they will need your support during the process.
  • Anger is a natural response to a violent crime. Listen with patience; the victim of crime is not looking for answers but an opportunity to vent their anger.
  • Recognize that they will grieve in their own way.
  • Do communicate your willingness to support the victim of crime in whatever ways you can. Individuals who have someone to lean on increase their chances of healing from the trauma.
  • Offer to help with basic necessities—grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, food preparation, child care, and carpooling—as they might find it impossible to resume their normal housekeeping and caregiver tasks.
  • Encourage them to participate in the judicial process to restore a sense of control.
  • Offer to listen. The individual will need to tell their story over and over again to process what has happened.
  • Allow them to grieve in their own way.
  • Encourage them to express their grief and sorrow for as long as they need.
  • Do continue to keep in touch with them and remember them during significant dates and difficult periods, such as the anniversary of the crime, a birthday, or holidays.
Suggestions on what to say:
  • I am here for you when you need me.
  • I care about you and will support you however you might need me.
  • I have never experienced this before; please let me know how I can help you.
  • I will always be your friend; nothing can change that.
  • I will miss him (her), too.
  • I’d like to help in any way I can.
  • It’s not your fault.
  • This was a terrible crime, and I am sorry it happened to you.
  • What you are feeling is normal.
  • You can talk to me at any time.
  • You did the best you could.
  • You were in no way to blame for what happened.
Adapted from How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say© by Robbie Miller Kaplan. All rights reserved.

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How Do You Make Amends For Something You Said?

3/18/2019

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It happens all the time. A friend, colleague or loved one shares something difficult and without giving it enough thought, we inadvertently say something inappropriate. What should we do when we know we've said the wrong thing to someone dealing with a loss?

My friend faced this dilemma. She attended a family dinner and said something to her sister-in-law that she immediately knew was out of line. She didn’t know what to do so she said nothing and her sister-in-law let it go. Even though the relationship seems fine and a year has passed, my friend still feels guilty every time she interacts with her sister-in-law and wonders if there is something she can say to make amends.

My friend could write a note and here’s what I recommended: Be honest – let her know that she is someone special in your life and your relationship is important. Mention that you said something to her a year ago at dinner and you’ve been at a loss ever since as to how you might apologize. You never meant to hurt her and you want to let her know how sorry you are for what was said. You can tell her how fortunate you feel to have her as a family member. And use the same close for your note that you’d use in other correspondence with her.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

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​photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/82066314@N06/14274401760">I am Sorry</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>

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How to Stay in Touch During Difficult Times

12/28/2018

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I'm writing my last blog post of 2018 as a reminder - to you and to myself. We get so caught up in or own lives that it easy to forget others who might be ill, in treatment, facing a difficult time, or grieving a loss. We don't have the time to help everyone - but we do have the ability to reach out to someone. Is it worth fifteen or twenty minutes of  your time to make a difference?

Six  years ago I sat at my desk, sorting through papers when I saw the name of a friend at the top of my list. My friend had surgery and she’s been undergoing chemotherapy for the past two months. I periodically sent a card or called just to say hello but, I realized that morning that it had been a few weeks since I had checked in.

I made the phone call and had a nice chat. I learned that my friend was very uncomfortable and really just whiling away the days with little energy to pursue her normal routine. That’s where the cards and calls helped. She mentioned she gets a card now and then and she appreciates that someone has taken the time to let her know they’re thinking of her. I told myself to stop feeling guilty and made a plan to send a card the next week.

Cards and notes are easy to send and you don’t have to worry about disturbing someone as you may do with a phone call. Emails are great for keeping in touch but, there is something special about receiving a card or note in the mail.

Don’t spend too much time worrying about what to say in a note. A simple “I wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you” goes a long way and will make someone feel cared for. You can add “Book club or bridge is not the same without you” or “I miss crossing paths on my morning walk and look forward to seeing you soon.” 
 
My friend got better, or so I thought, and I stopped following up. She died one year ago. I miss seeing her and wish I could give her a call or send her a note. So make your call or send a note; your thoughtfulness will go a long way in brightening someone’s day.

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Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

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What to Say When you Don't Know What to Say

9/24/2018

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When you see a friend, community member, or neighbor who’s just experienced a loss, what do you do? Do you walk in another direction, fearing you’ll say the wrong thing? Or, do you approach them? If so, what do you say?

If you avoid the bereaved because you are worried you’ll say the wrong thing, you risk hurting them. Loss is very isolating and if you deliberately keep your distance, you’ll isolate the bereaved even more.

It’s important to acknowledge the loss and a simple greeting is all that’s required. It could be a sincere, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or, “I was terribly sorry to hear the news about your mom.”  

Some people may think these expressions trite but in truth, you are terribly sorry for their loss. These words work because they’re sincere and simple. It’s when you try to elaborate with something of more substance that you often get into trouble and say the wrong thing.  

Recently, a friend encountered a truly awful loss. When I first saw her, “I’m so sorry for your loss” seemed inadequate. Instead, I hugged her close and said, “You’re in my heart.” As she hugged me back, I knew I chose the right thing to say. In the weeks and months ahead, there will be plenty of time to say more.

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Please Mention the Deceased By Name

9/18/2018

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I like to talk about my friend. She died last year and it makes me feel good to share my stories of her. Not everyone is comfortable when I do this.

Sometimes it feels like there is an elephant in the room. Someone has died and friends and loved ones no longer feel comfortable mentioning their name. We not only refrain from saying their name,  but we avoid talking about them. Do you ever wonder why it feels taboo to say the name of the deceased?

A friend facing the anniversary of her husband’s death was hurt that friends no longer said her husband’s name. She finally asked them why and they told her they were afraid his name would make her sad. She’s already sad that her husband died and she thinks about him all the time; she told her friends she likes to talk about him, too, and she’d welcome hearing his name.

That reminded me of a story another friend shared. It was the anniversary of the death of her 21-year old neighbor. Although she remembered the date, she did not plan to send a card or call her friend because she did not want to remind her of her loss. I explained that her friend was thinking about her son all the time, especially on the anniversary of his death. If she were to reach out to her, she would make her friend feel supported and not so alone in her grief.

It can be awkward to broach the subject, but why not give it a try. Let a friend know that you think of ‘Peter,’ her deceased spouse, every time you eat rocky road ice cream, his favorite. Or, around the anniversary of a neighbor’s daughter’s death, let them know that you’ll never forget ‘Lisa’s’ wonderful smile. Or, share with someone that something reminded you of ‘Tim’ and just the thought of him made you feel good. You’ll make them feel good too!



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What Can you Say to the Bereaved?

8/6/2018

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It’s not easy comforting the bereaved. What can you possibly say to someone feeling so much pain? And yet it is important to speak with the bereaved at any funeral ritual, including the visitation, service, reception, or Shiva.

Sometimes it’s not just what you say, but how you say it. “I’m sorry for your loss” is a very common phrase when approaching the bereaved. There is nothing wrong with this statement, but how you say it can be meaningful or meaningless.

I recently attended a funeral and a reception where a colleague of the bereaved spouse approached his adult daughter. He extended his hand and said, “I’m sorry for your loss.” She had no idea who he was and it was awkward. It would have been more meaningful had he introduced himself and said something like, “I’m Peter Smith and I worked with your dad. I never met your mom, but heard wonderful things about her. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Touch can be comforting when consoling the bereaved, but respect boundaries. If you know someone is not a hugger, give a warm touch to the arm or hand while expressing your sympathy. If it’s okay, give a hug and share your sadness at their loss.

There is nothing magic you can say to alleviate the pain of loss, but being present and expressing sincere condolences does provide solace.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is a leading condolence expert. Keep up-to-date on her latest posts by following her on 
https://www.facebook.com/robbiemillerkaplan.

photo/Georgena Eggleston


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Should You Ever Question the Bereaved?

8/4/2017

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When you learn there’s been a death, what’s your first response? Do you express your condolences to the bereaved and communicate your sadness, or, do you ask a question? A reader shares her experience that when someone has died, one of the first responses she most often hears is the question: “How did they die?”

No matter how well meaning, does it really matter how someone died? Does it change the way you should respond to the death? Maybe the question “how” is not one the bereaved wishes to discuss, and yet how does one gracefully navigate a conversation that might be intrusive when overwhelmed with grief?

How someone died, whether by accident, terminal illness, unexpected death, violence, or suicide, should not change the way you respond to the news of the death. And it’s important to protect the privacy of the bereaved and not make them uncomfortable with intrusive questions.

Are questions ever appropriate when learning of a death? Questions that may be appropriate are: “Can you tell me where I can get information on the funeral, memorial service, or visitation?” “Is the family accepting visitors?” “Can I bring a dinner?” “Where can I make a donation in their memory?” Or, “Is there someone I can call to offer my help?”


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What Can You Say to the Bereaved?

6/9/2017

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When you ask the bereaved “How are you,” what do you expect they’ll say? Should they be honest and tell you “I’m just awful.” Or, should they keep their true feelings hidden and appease you with, “Just fine, thanks for asking?”

A friend who is widowed says this question is a hot button for her. She would love to answer, “Dreadful; I just lost the love of my life.” But she too takes the high road and answers “Okay.”

The expression that always irked me was “Call me if you need anything.” It’s tough for someone bereaved and grieving to pick up the phone and ask for help. Chances are they don’t have the energy to call or have no idea what to ask for. And what if they do call and ask for your help and you say you’re not available or you can’t do it? It’s painful to be rejected but even more so when grieving a loss.

So what can you say? Ask, "How are you doing today?" or, “How are you doing with all this?” An alternative to give me a call is “What can I do to help?” Or, be more specific; “Can I bring dinner on Thursday?” or, “I’m on my way to the grocery store; what can I pick up for you?”

Try putting yourself in someone else’s shoes before speaking. How would you feel if asked this question? How would you like someone to help you? Empathy goes a long way in helping a friend or loved feel your support.


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