Comforting Words
  • Home
  • Store
  • Blog
  • Author Bio
  • About
  • Media Room

When the Sympathy Note is Belated – and You Never Met the Deceased

12/1/2022

2 Comments

 
Picture
It's Monday and you realize another week has passed and you still haven't written the sympathy note. You have good intentions, but it's too hard and you just keep putting it off. You don’t know the bereaved well and you never met the deceased; and you know nothing about the relationship between the bereaved and the deceased. How can you possibly think of anything that might bring comfort?

The business of grief is a lonely one. It’s something you do all by yourself. You feel so much pain and wonder if you will ever feel “normal” again. While the note writing task might seem daunting, one of the kindest things you can say and do for someone who is grieving a loss is acknowledge the pain and the difficulty in losing someone so very dear.

A handwritten note lets the bereaved know you care and it will lessen their sense of isolation. Acknowledging their grief helps them understand that their pain is an appropriate response to their loss. And it does not really matter if the note arrives one week or thirty after the death. Here are some guidelines:
  1. Begin by communicating your sympathy or sadness at their loss.
  2. Acknowledge the difficulty in losing a beloved friend or family member.
  3. Share that you care and have been thinking of them.
  4. Include any common experience that demonstrates that you have an understanding of their loss. Avoid comparisons such as divorce or death of a pet.

​The following is an example of how I recently handled a belated sympathy note to someone I knew, but never met the deceased:
​
Dear Jacob,
​​
I was sorry to hear that your dad had died. It is so difficult to lose a parent and I remember how lonely I felt after my mother’s death. I gravitated to others who had faced a similar loss and their understanding gave me comfort during the long grieving and healing process.

I just wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts. I hope that the memories you have of your dad will bring comfort in the weeks and months ahead.                                                                                                                                                                                                           
My deepest condolences,
 
Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.


2 Comments

How Late is Too Late for Condolence Notes

3/22/2022

0 Comments

 
Picture
A neighbor wonders, “Is it too late to send a condolence note six months after a death?” I’m not aware of a statute of limitations when it comes to condolence notes, but how late is too late? Is it appropriate to send a note six months or even one year after a death?

One bereaved friend says it is never too late to express your condolences. “Your loved one is in your heart and mind every day and it is comforting to know that someone else is also thinking of them.”

Treat each case individually. Have you known about the death for many months and procrastinated? Or, did you just learn of a death, for example a high school or college friend, and wish to contact the parents or sibling(s)? Evaluate each case on its own merit. You might ask yourself, “What is it I want to say and what makes me want to reach out?”

The following example is a belated sympathy note you might write for a former classmate that died seven months ago:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hiller,

Please accept my apology for this delayed note, but I just learned of Paul’s death. I was unaware he was ill and I’m terribly saddened to hear of his untimely death. You both have my deepest sympathy.

Paul was an extraordinarily special person who touched many lives. I was so lucky to have him as a roommate freshman year and he made my transition to college much easier. We supported each other through many challenges and I’ll always be grateful for the integral part Paul played in my life.

Despite living on opposite coasts, Paul and I managed to retain our friendship and when we had time to spend together, it was if no time had elapsed between visits. I will miss our conversations and visits, but cherish all my memories.

You were wonderful parents and I always enjoyed your campus visits. You and Paul made a difference in my life and I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Warm regards,

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.​


0 Comments

Belated Sympathy Notes - Two Perspectives

2/10/2020

0 Comments

 
Picture
You were busy, you were at a loss for words, or you just procrastinated: Whatever reason, you never wrote a sympathy note. Is it OK to write one now, three, six, or 12 months late?

My perspective on belated condolences shifted when a bereaved spouse shared: “The bereaved never ‘get over’ missing their loved ones, and they appreciate knowing that you are remembering them, too.” She compared a  note of sympathy to all conversations about the bereaved. She wanted to continue to hear stories about her beloved spouse, whether they came in a note or were shared via conversation.

A recently bereaved wife reached out to let me know she did not agree. She felt it was not appropriate to send belated condolences. As a mother and a breadwinner, she had no choice but to put one foot in front of the other every day to get to work, drive her children to school, and resume her life. She has rough days, but she also has days where she functions well. Sometimes she even feels a bit like her old self. And then she gets a belated sympathy note that tugs at her heart and sets her back for days. She wonders whether a belated sympathy note is more about making the sender feel better for making an effort than it is about comforting the bereaved.

I don’t just write about loss, I have conversations with the bereaved to understand loss from a range of perspectives. My advice is grounded in firsthand accounts, and I like to think that I am an advocate for extending levels of support that help the bereaved heal.

One thing I have learned is how personal loss is and unique for each of us. Everyone grieves based on his or her experience, relationships, and life history. There are guidelines for supporting the bereaved, but no hard-and-fast rules. Each mourner is different, and what comforts one person can hurt another. And mourning itself is fraught with intense pain, sadness, and isolation. Anger is part of the grief process, and it is easy to misplace that anger.

When it comes to belated condolences, I understand both points of view. Try to get your sympathy notes written within a reasonable period. If you are late, stick to the basics and avoid heart-wrenching memories. Just bear in mind the point of your note; you would like the bereaved to know they and their loved ones are not forgotten.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.​
​

Image by Diane Nassy Orange Flower - Gocco Screenprinted note card via photopin (license)

Copyright and Adapted from Legacy.com. Used with permission.

0 Comments

Belated Sympathy Notes

1/15/2020

0 Comments

 
Picture
For whatever reason, you never got around to writing that sympathy note. Maybe you are pressed for time or it felt too hard. Now it is weeks and months later and you wonder, "How late is too late when it comes to writing a message of condolence?" As one widow shares, “It's never too late. It's not as if we finish grieving and ‘forget’ that our loved one died.” A loved one’s death is always in the hearts and minds of the bereaved.

Here are some tips on belated condolence notes:

  • Whether you just learned of a death or procrastinated for months, don’t be afraid to reach out.
  • Begin your sympathy message with an expression of how you are feeling. For example: “I just wanted you to know that Susan is often in my thoughts and I remember her with love, as I know you do."
  • Follow with additional thoughts, a personal story or memory of the deceased, and your expression of sympathy.
  • The bereaved will be grieving for a long time and your thoughtfulness and care will help in the healing process.
​
Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
​​


0 Comments

    Categories

    All
    Anniversaries
    Belated Sympathy Note
    Bereaved Children
    Condolence Note
    Coping
    Death Of Baby
    Death Of Child
    Death Of Parent
    Facebook Condolences
    Funerals
    Grief
    Guest Book
    Help
    Holidays
    How To Help
    Illness
    Listening
    Memorials
    Memorial Services
    Miscarriage
    Mourning
    Pet Loss
    Social Media
    Suicide
    Sympathy Notes
    Thank You
    Visitation Etiquette
    What Not To Say
    What To Do
    What To Say

    Author

    Robbie’s goal is to help her readers communicate effectively when their loved ones, neighbors, colleagues, and community members face difficult times. 

    RSS Feed



Buy the Books
Book Store
e-Books
Picture
About Words That Comfort
About the site
Author Bio
Media Room

Contact


Robbie Miller Kaplan
wordsthathelp@gmail.com
© Robbie Miller Kaplan. All Rights Reserved.
All materials contained on this site are protected by United States copyright law and may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, displayed, published, broadcast, neither performed nor used to prepare published works, without the prior written permission of Robbie Miller Kaplan. You may not alter or remove any trademark, copyright, logo or other notice from copies of the content.

Photos used under Creative Commons from Pink Sherbet Photography, Gytha69, EatLiveGrowPaleo.com, Ralph Hockens, adamthomasjones, mikecogh, Mike Sinko, scotbot, davidmulder61, szabolor, quinn.anya, Kekka, “Caveman Chuck” Coker, mikecogh, "Stròlic Furlàn" - Davide Gabino, garryknight, elPadawan, jennaddenda, Parker Knight, fabienlej, francisco_osorio, Vilellic