The son of a public figure had lunch with several of his father’s former colleagues following his dad’s death. The stories they told painted a vivid picture of a father he did not know. He was so grateful to better understand his dad that it motivated him to seek out even more stories from other sources.

When a loved one dies, it feels so final, as if our relationship with them has ceased. And yet many people find that despite death, they continue to learn a great deal about their deceased loved one through the stories that friends, family, classmates, former neighbors, and frequently their colleagues share.

One widow was deeply touched by the stories from her beloved husband’s workplace. Her deceased husband was a journalist and his colleagues disclosed many newsroom stories she had never heard. With her husband gone, it meant a great deal to her to understand the pace and pulse of his place of work.

What stories do you have to share? Sympathy notes and messages of condolence have greater meaning when they reflect on personal experiences with the deceased. It can be anything; a joke, a conversation, a collaborative work project, or a mutual encounter. Maybe it was manning the barbecue together at a neighborhood event when you almost burned the burgers or volunteering at the high school track meet when you forgot to start the stopwatch. Something compassionate or serious works too; the day a friend or neighbor came to your rescue, babysitting during an emergency or pushing your car out of a snowbank.

I recently attended a dinner to honor a dear friend who died many years ago. Her daughter chose to spend the tenth anniversary surrounded by her mother’s friends. She wanted to hear our stories, so each of us stood and shared how we met her mom and reminisced about the ensuing friendship. We all learned a lot; our dear friend had such a positive and lasting influence on so many people. Her daughter was left with fresh memories and insights and even photographs she had never seen.

Our stories keep loved ones alive. So let’s keep them coming.


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Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Ying & Yang photo via photopin (license)

When illness, death, or another of life’s crises strikes, most of us crave normalcy; we want to once again feel in charge of our lives. What do you do when life feels like it is spinning out of control?

My family knows that in times of difficulty one of the first things I do is load the washing machine. The very act of washing the clothes, folding them, and placing clean laundry in drawers and closets brings a sense of order to my life. But I don’t stop with the laundry. Dishes are quickly washed and dried or placed in the dishwasher, newspapers make their way into the recycling bin, and the purr of the shredder can be heard. If life is out of control, I will do whatever I can to pull it back. And when the house is orderly, I feel greater strength to address what has spurred all this action. It is easier for me to draft the to do lists, make phone calls, set up appointments, and take action in my now more controlled environment. And these actions are just the beginning of my coping strategy and adaptive routine.

Everyone faces difficulties in their own way. How can you feel more in control when your life isn’t?
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1. Ask for help
   Friends, neighbors, and congregants are eager to help but they need to know how and that’s where you come in. Communicate your needs to others whether it is grocery shopping, meals, or transportation support.
2. Delegate
   Your partner, child, sibling, or best friend may not fold the laundry, load the dishwasher, or make the bed the way you prefer but fewer tasks will free you up for the harder stuff. Delegate whatever and whenever you can.
3. Hire helpers
   This may be the time to hire the neighborhood teen to rake the leaves, mow the lawn, or watch the kids to ease your workload and stress level.  
4. Seek support
   Support is everywhere these days. You can find online groups to ask questions and vent frustrations. There is a proliferation of local support groups as well. Check your local newspaper or do an online search.

Whatever your preferences, use the strategies that will help you navigate during these difficult and unsettling periods. 

photo credit: via photopin (license)
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Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

It’s unexpected, unprecedented, and we were caught unprepared. But it’s here and we have to take care of ourselves and our loved ones. In the midst of a global crisis, what can each of us do?
 
For starters, we can listen to our leaders and follow their directions whether it’s a call for total isolation or social distancing. It’s imperative that we each avoid getting sick and infecting others. 
 
Keep yourself up to date. Your local health department and government will issue alerts and updates on their websites and through text, emails, and other social media avenues. Facts and directives are in constant flux so sign yourself up to ensure you’re getting the latest information.
 
Each of us is in a different boat and must decide for ourselves how we will ride out the storm. The media is full of suggestions on how to occupy your time and keep yourself both physically and mentally healthy.

​Here are my thoughts:

1. Join local social media groups, if you use social media, and stay connected to your communities – especially important to avoid isolation. I participate in several Facebook groups, including one for my neighborhood and another for the local food scene. Yesterday, two different neighbors posted their need for toilet paper and paper towels. Neighbors asked for addresses and dropped packages off while others provided online sources for orders. The local food scene promotes restaurants, take out menus, and convenience food stores to encourage purchases to keep our local business establishments humming as well as sources to secure necessary provisions.
2. Use your time to approach the daunting tasks you rarely find time for. For me, it’s a voluminous and somewhat intimidating Grandmother’s Journal for my newborn grandchild. Each day I sit in a pleasant spot and journal one to two pages. As the pandemic progresses, the pages are neatly filled. As a bonus, the memories have prompted interesting conversations with my siblings and, by the time this is over, the journal will be completed.
3. Give of yourself in whatever way you can. Helping others is empowering. There is so much need in our communities as well as nationally and globally. Blood is in short supply so if you can, please donate blood. Make other donations, no matter the size, to food banks and disaster relief agencies to help those less fortunate. Work through local governmental organizations and faith communities to determine other needs in your community.
4. Connect with others. Call, text, email, FaceTime, Zoom are some of the ways to reach out to your family, friends, colleagues and neighbors. One phone call in these dire times can lift the spirits of someone feeling sad and lonely. Check in with your loved ones regularly and look after your neighbors. Frequent and regular contact is so important during a nationwide crisis.
5. Identify those you know who are sick, either from the virus or other ailments. Reach out to them so they know they are not alone. If you can help, please do so, whether it is dropping off some soup or a meal or flowers from your garden in a glass jar; it doesn’t need to be fancy to be thoughtful. 

 
Please know that whatever your circumstances or wherever you are, you are not alone. We are in this together and we are going to get through this. It’s going to take your cooperation and patience, but we can do this!  

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.

​So many of our holiday traditions are family-centered, making it painful to face the holidays after a loved one dies. Despite the pain, some people find it comforting to continue the old traditions that they've enjoyed. Since grief in itself is exhausting, it can be too overwhelming to try and build new traditions when mourning a loved one.

How you choose to handle holidays is a highly personal decision. In the first few months or years, you alone know whether it's comfortable or painful to bake the cookies, make that signature dinner, or hold the annual picnic. As time passes, you may find that life in itself has changed and it feels more comfortable to modify or integrate some new and different traditions.

One friend is widowed and lives with her widowed mom. Their holiday celebrations are much smaller now that it’s just the two of them. Rather than cooking a holiday meal, they usually have dinner with friends or go out to eat. An enormous fresh tree was central to their Christmas celebration, but my friend finds it's too difficult to handle alone, so they have a small artificial tree. But they keep the tradition of the Christmas lights, hiring a handyman to put them up.

Another friend was widowed when his two children were teens. He found it helpful that first year to ask his children, "How do you want to do this holiday?" There were holiday traditions that they kept intact because it was just natural to do things they enjoyed. When one child left for college the following year and the family of four became a family of two, life and holidays changed. But the changes felt like a more natural transition. Six years after his wife's death, my friend integrates some of the old traditions into his holidays, just because it feels comfortable.
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Memories may be your best guide to the holidays. Determine what makes you feel good and what makes you feel uncomfortable. But there's a difference between being uncomfortable and being sad. As one friend says, "Some people are so concerned about feeling sad. It's okay to feel sad; you've just lost your loved one."

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in nine e-books: Illness & Death, Suicide, Miscarriage, Death of a Child, Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby, Pet Loss, Caregiver Responsibilities, Divorce, and Job Loss. All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.