​So many of our holiday traditions are family-centered, making it painful to face the holidays after a loved one dies. Despite the pain, some people find it comforting to continue the old traditions that they've enjoyed. Since grief in itself is exhausting, it can be too overwhelming to try and build new traditions when mourning a loved one.

How you choose to handle holidays is a highly personal decision. In the first few months or years, you alone know whether it's comfortable or painful to bake the cookies, make that signature dinner, or hold the annual picnic. As time passes, you may find that life in itself has changed and it feels more comfortable to modify or integrate some new and different traditions.

One friend is widowed and lives with her widowed mom. Their holiday celebrations are much smaller now that it’s just the two of them. Rather than cooking a holiday meal, they usually have dinner with friends or go out to eat. An enormous fresh tree was central to their Christmas celebration, but my friend finds it's too difficult to handle alone, so they have a small artificial tree. But they keep the tradition of the Christmas lights, hiring a handyman to put them up.

Another friend was widowed when his two children were teens. He found it helpful that first year to ask his children, "How do you want to do this holiday?" There were holiday traditions that they kept intact because it was just natural to do things they enjoyed. When one child left for college the following year and the family of four became a family of two, life and holidays changed. But the changes felt like a more natural transition. Six years after his wife's death, my friend integrates some of the old traditions into his holidays, just because it feels comfortable.
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Memories may be your best guide to the holidays. Determine what makes you feel good and what makes you feel uncomfortable. But there's a difference between being uncomfortable and being sad. As one friend says, "Some people are so concerned about feeling sad. It's okay to feel sad; you've just lost your loved one."

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Tangible reminders are what keep our loved ones close and a continued part of our lives. Here are some ways to keep your memories alive, not just for you but for generations to come.

My friend's dad died several years ago but she thinks of him often; his golf hat and golf clubs are a constant reminder. She stores them where they are visible and she smiles when she sees them. A cousin wore his dad's coat the first winter following his father's death and a friend found great comfort using her mom's handbag while she grieved her death.

These stories made me think of my grandma. She was constantly in the kitchen and she always wore an apron. I wear an apron too and every time my hands reach behind me to tie the bow, I think of my grandma. And I've continued her legacy by giving every family member an apron.

These tangible reminders are what keep our loved ones close and a continued part of our lives. I was reminded of this when we celebrated my daughter's birthday at a restaurant. All grown up, I was surprised she wanted us to sing the family birthday song. The song dates back to my mom's camping days and my mom made it a part of our family's celebrations and I've passed it on to mine. My husband, daughter and I tried to sing quietly, clinking our glasses on cue. I thought how special it was that my mother's legacy is still very much a part of our lives and now that my daughter is a mother herself, she is passing it on to another generation.

Here are some ways to keep your memories alive, not just for you but for generations to come:

1. Display photographs where you can see them often, and use them as a way to share a story with other family members and friends.

2. Prepare and integrate family recipes into your daily life and holidays and let everyone know their history.

3. Share copies of your loved one's recipes. When I share a recipe from my mom, I always title it "Jean's ***," and it always gives me pleasure. And I have recipes in my personal cookbook that bear the names of my friends' loved ones.

4. Use a family heirloom, such as a serving piece, at holiday time, reminding your family of its history and all the occasions it's served.

5. Pass on family heirlooms to family members. Share the story behind the item so they will use and treasure both the item and the memory.

6. Tell stories and tell them often. Your personal stories will become part of your family's narrative.

7. Copy documents and share them with other family members to preserve and cherish your loved ones.

8. Document personal history and memories, creating a written story to be passed down to generations to come.

​Photo credit: memories_fcc-rachel_zack_1600x500-1170x366.jpg

​​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

How do we handle life’s happy moments after the death of someone we love?

Life doesn’t stop with the death of a loved one. The seasons pass and holidays come and go.  Life cycle events and milestones continue to happen: children are born, graduate, go to college, marry, have children, and continue to grow. Grandchildren are born… Life goes on.

So, how do we handle those sweet and happy moments, knowing quite well that someone is missing?

Some families have rituals. I know our family did. When my father died, he left four children, ages eleven to twenty. He missed it all; proms, college scouting trips, graduations, weddings, and grandchildren. I remember my mother on significant days, leaning close and telling me, “Your dad would be so proud.” In doing so, she somehow made him a part of the day, despite how many years had passed.

A good friend handled his loss differently. His wife died when his children were thirteen and seventeen. As significant events approached, he’d ask, “What do we do?” And the three of them would decide how they’d handle the occasion. He also made sure to tell his children at appropriate times, “Mom would have loved this.” At other times he’d say, “Too bad we couldn’t have had mom here. It’s a shame she didn’t experience this,” or “How incredible it would have been to have been together.”   

Grief is very personal and each individual and family handles grief and loss in their own way. For some families, life without their deceased loved one means choosing not to bring their name and remembrance into special family milestone moments. That’s what happened to my cousins. Their mother found it too painful to mention their dad at special events or in connection with personal achievements. And yet my cousins themselves chose to keep their dad’s memory alive through stories and memories. This made their mom happy and she did make a point to share over the years how pleased she was that her children had such happy recollections of their dad and their shared laughter and stories made them all feel good.

Families are as unique as their members and while there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is also no standard way to remember a loved one. Whether we choose to keep a deceased loved one’s memory alive in a public way, or grieve privately and move on, is a very personal choice. 

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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When illness, death, or another of life’s crises strikes, most of us crave normalcy; we want to once again feel in charge of our lives. What do you do when life feels like it is spinning out of control?

My family knows that in times of difficulty one of the first things I do is load the washing machine. The very act of washing the clothes, folding them, and placing clean laundry in drawers and closets brings a sense of order to my life. But I don’t stop with the laundry. Dishes are quickly washed and dried or placed in the dishwasher, newspapers make their way into the recycling bin, and the purr of the shredder can be heard. If life is out of control, I will do whatever I can to pull it back. And when the house is orderly, I feel greater strength to address what has spurred all this action. It is easier for me to draft the to do lists, make phone calls, set up appointments, and take action in my now more controlled environment. And these actions are just the beginning of my coping strategy and adaptive routine.

Everyone faces difficulties in their own way. How can you feel more in control when your life isn’t?
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1. Ask for help
   Friends, neighbors, and congregants are eager to help but they need to know how and that’s where you come in. Communicate your needs to others whether it is grocery shopping, meals, or transportation support.
2. Delegate
   Your partner, child, sibling, or best friend may not fold the laundry, load the dishwasher, or make the bed the way you prefer but fewer tasks will free you up for the harder stuff. Delegate whatever and whenever you can.
3. Hire helpers
   This may be the time to hire the neighborhood teen to rake the leaves, mow the lawn, or watch the kids to ease your workload and stress level.  
4. Seek support
   Support is everywhere these days. You can find online groups to ask questions and vent frustrations. There is a proliferation of local support groups as well. Check your local newspaper or do an online search.

Whatever your preferences, use the strategies that will help you navigate during these difficult and unsettling periods. 

photo credit: via photopin (license)
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Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

It’s unexpected, unprecedented, and we were caught unprepared. But it’s here and we have to take care of ourselves and our loved ones. In the midst of a global crisis, what can each of us do?
 
For starters, we can listen to our leaders and follow their directions whether it’s a call for total isolation or social distancing. It’s imperative that we each avoid getting sick and infecting others. 
 
Keep yourself up to date. Your local health department and government will issue alerts and updates on their websites and through text, emails, and other social media avenues. Facts and directives are in constant flux so sign yourself up to ensure you’re getting the latest information.
 
Each of us is in a different boat and must decide for ourselves how we will ride out the storm. The media is full of suggestions on how to occupy your time and keep yourself both physically and mentally healthy.

​Here are my thoughts:

1. Join local social media groups, if you use social media, and stay connected to your communities – especially important to avoid isolation. I participate in several Facebook groups, including one for my neighborhood and another for the local food scene. Yesterday, two different neighbors posted their need for toilet paper and paper towels. Neighbors asked for addresses and dropped packages off while others provided online sources for orders. The local food scene promotes restaurants, take out menus, and convenience food stores to encourage purchases to keep our local business establishments humming as well as sources to secure necessary provisions.
2. Use your time to approach the daunting tasks you rarely find time for. For me, it’s a voluminous and somewhat intimidating Grandmother’s Journal for my newborn grandchild. Each day I sit in a pleasant spot and journal one to two pages. As the pandemic progresses, the pages are neatly filled. As a bonus, the memories have prompted interesting conversations with my siblings and, by the time this is over, the journal will be completed.
3. Give of yourself in whatever way you can. Helping others is empowering. There is so much need in our communities as well as nationally and globally. Blood is in short supply so if you can, please donate blood. Make other donations, no matter the size, to food banks and disaster relief agencies to help those less fortunate. Work through local governmental organizations and faith communities to determine other needs in your community.
4. Connect with others. Call, text, email, FaceTime, Zoom are some of the ways to reach out to your family, friends, colleagues and neighbors. One phone call in these dire times can lift the spirits of someone feeling sad and lonely. Check in with your loved ones regularly and look after your neighbors. Frequent and regular contact is so important during a nationwide crisis.
5. Identify those you know who are sick, either from the virus or other ailments. Reach out to them so they know they are not alone. If you can help, please do so, whether it is dropping off some soup or a meal or flowers from your garden in a glass jar; it doesn’t need to be fancy to be thoughtful. 

 
Please know that whatever your circumstances or wherever you are, you are not alone. We are in this together and we are going to get through this. It’s going to take your cooperation and patience, but we can do this!  

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.