Lending an ear might be the kindest thing you can do for someone grieving a loss. A week after my friend’s baby died, her mother-in-law appeared at her door. My friend told her she wasn’t up for a visit, but her mother-in-law assured her she would just sit and keep her company. And that’s what she did. She sat quietly in a chair near my friend. After a while, she fixed them some tea. My friend now relates that this visit was one of the kindest things anyone did after her baby’s death.

When we are mourning the loss of a loved one, we have a myriad of strong emotions; to heal, we need to articulate them. Grief seems to take over our bodies, and our feelings are neither orderly nor coherent. In this state, it’s quite common to repeat ourselves.

What mourners need most are listeners, and it can be hard to find them. We are a society of talkers, and impatient ones at that. When we hear a story the second or third time, we tend to lose patience with the speaker. And yet it’s in telling our story, over and over again, that we begin to make sense of it

So how can we more effectively listen and be present in a conversation with our friends and loved ones so they will open up and share their emotions?

• For starters, acknowledge that listening is a skill and like any other skill it requires practice to become proficient.

• While our nature is to talk, accept that to listen effectively, we need to be silent.

• Make a date to visit in person or chat with the bereaved on the telephone.

• Open the conversation with, “I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to see how you are doing today.”

• Now listen; you can prod the conversation along by nodding if you are in person or encouraging the conversation by acknowledging their feelings with, “I can understand,” or “that must be hard.”

• Listen intently by facing the speaker, leaving your hands in your lap, and making eye contact. Keep a neutral expression as you follow the conversation.

• Bear in mind that listening is the best gift you can give the bereaved.

• End the conversation without awkwardness by saying, “Let’s talk again soon.”
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The more you listen, the easier it becomes. And someday, you will need others to listen to you too.  

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don’t Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for “Illness & Death,” “Suicide,” “Miscarriage,” “Death of a Child,” “Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby,” “Pet Loss,” “Caregiver Responsibilities,” “Divorce” and “Job Loss.” All titles are in Amazon’s Kindle Store.

Adapted from legacy.com

We are living in strange times. You might wonder how you can possibly make a difference in the life of someone dealing with a major disappointment, frightening health issue, medical testing, illness or treatment, or mourning the death of their loved one. And yet there is something powerful you can do that costs nothing but your time. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone facing difficulty is the willingness to listen.

Listening doesn't come easy. It is a skill, just like speaking and writing, and like any skill, you need to practice: The more you practice, the better you become.

We each have the ability to give this all-important gift – our time and attention. Here are some strategies to help you become a better listener: 

1. Choose a private and comfortable place to talk. It could be on the phone, FaceTime, Zoom, Skype or any other mutual option.

2. Disregard your own feelings and thoughts and focus solely on the speaker.

3. Look directly at the speaker, if appropriate.

4. Avoid interruptions and don't talk.

5. Demonstrate warmth in your voice and your facial expressions.

6. Change position if you find your mind wandering or feel you are slipping away. 

7. Stay calm and be patient. 

8. Keep in mind that your attentive listening is better than anything you could possibly say.

It can be hard to know what to say to someone who’s experienced loss, but individuals facing loss need to feel they’re not alone. That’s why it is so important to make personal contact.  

“I don’t know what to say but this must be very hard for you.” Someone said this to me when I was going through a challenging time, and it was exactly the right thing to say. She was showing empathy, acknowledging that even though she had never faced my experience, she understood that it was very difficult.

It’s important to break your silence and acknowledge the loss. Communicate that you are sorry for their loss and, if appropriate, give them a hug, take their hand, or touch their arm. Also important: listening. Listeners are what mourners need most because it’s through telling our story that we begin to make sense of our loss. Listening supportively isn’t always easy, but it’s the best thing you can do for someone coping with the loss of a loved one.

So how can we listen more effectively with friends and family?

• Remember that to listen well, we need to be silent.
• Make time to visit in person or chat on the telephone. 
• Open with, “I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to see how you are doing today.” 
• Listen intently, facing the speaker and making eye contact. Keep a neutral expression. 
• Encourage the conversation by nodding and acknowledging their feelings (“I can understand” or “That must be hard”) 
• End the conversation by saying, “Let’s talk again soon.” 

The more you listen, the easier it becomes. And someday, you will need others to listen to you too.
​
​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Two of my friends are good listeners; one says it’s because she’s the middle child and the other because she’s the eldest. Well, I’m a good listener too, and I’m the youngest. So there goes the birth order theory. 

​So what makes a good listener?

​Most important, the best listeners possess a willingness to keep quiet while someone else speaks. But it’s not just listening that’s important; it’s being attentive and present. In this era of multi-tasking, it’s hard to concentrate on just one thing and keep your hands still. And it's crucial to disconnect yourself from technology.

If you’re going to listen, you must pay attention to what is said, making nonverbal gestures as well as verbal acknowledgements so the speaker understands that you’re following while encouraging the conversation. It's okay to nod while the speaker speaks and it's helpful to repeat back what is said so the speaker knows you are listening and feels validated.

Listening is not an innate ability, it’s a skill. And like any skill, it takes lots of practice to perfect. So why not start? Choose a coffee or lunch date and ask, “How are you doing?” Then make a point to listen. Ask questions that encourage conversation and focus your attention on the other person. Hopefully, it feels good to be a listener and you’ll try it again – soon.