A recently bereaved sister was in a dilemma. Her brother’s friends and colleagues sent cards, flowers and gifts after his death and she wanted to acknowledge the caring gestures.  But she knew few of the individuals and puzzled over how to proceed.

It is very thoughtful to thank individuals for their kindness following a loss. Sympathy thank you notes are very personal and what you say depends on how you feel about writing the notes. Some individuals create a template and use the same format for all notes; other individuals write more personal messages and use the experience as an outlet for their grief. Either way is fine.

You can say something simple, for example: "Thank you so much for the flowers in Charlie’s memory. It was a very thoughtful way to remember him. Your kindness is appreciated." You can add: "Your caring gesture was helpful during this difficult time."

If you want to write more personal notes to friends, neighbors, or colleagues you can certainly let them know your loved one mentioned them many times and their friendship meant so much to them. Or, if individuals shared stories in their notes, you can let them know how much their note and thoughts of your loved one meant to you. Whatever strategy you take is fine; the most important thing is that you’re acknowledging others' kindnesses. And you are doing it for your loved one.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Do you need to acknowledge the caring gestures of flowers, donations, and meals following a death? And what do you do if these thoughtful acts were done in memory of a family member and you don’t know the donors?

Check out our helpful tips for condolence thank you notes:

1. It is very thoughtful to thank individuals for their kindness following a loss. Sympathy thank you notes are very personal and what you say depends on how you feel about writing the notes.

2. The bereaved often create a template and use the same format for all note

3. Some bereaved find that writing notes is an outlet for their grief and feel it’s therapeutic. Others find it terribly painful and are not up to the task. Mourning is not a time for guilt so either way is acceptable.

4. Notes can be simple, for example: "Thank you so much for the flowers in Sally’s memory. It was a very thoughtful way to remember her. Your kindness is appreciated." You can add: "Your caring gesture was helpful during this difficult time."

5. If you want to write more personal notes to friends, neighbors, or colleagues you can certainly let them know your loved one mentioned them many times and their friendship meant so much to them.

Friends and loved ones provide a myriad of support following a death. It may come in the form of flowers, dinners, or memorial donations, as well as the intangibles such as transportation for out of town loved ones or help, at the home, the hospital, or funeral home. Weeks and months after the funeral, when things quiet down, do you need to write a formal sympathy thank you note?

Funeral homes often supply the bereaved with note cards for this purpose. Sympathy thank you notes can be a simple acknowledgement or take the form of a longer letter. It depends on how the bereaved feel and whether they’re up for the activity.

While it’s very thoughtful to take the time to thank individuals who have made an effort to support you and remember your loved one, it depends whether the bereaved is up to the task. Many people find it therapeutic to write sympathy thank you notes and answer condolence letters and notes; it’s a chance to acknowledge someone’s thoughtful gestures and talk about the deceased. But some people are so overwhelmed with grief, they’re just not up to the task.

One bereaved spouse shared that she poured herself a cup of coffee each morning and sat at the kitchen table with a goal of writing five thank you notes. As she began, she started to cry. After a week she realized she just couldn’t do it. A bereaved daughter was unable to do much of anything in the six months after her father died. She was finally ready to tackle the thank you notes but wondered if it was too late.

If it is too painful to write thank you notes, it’s okay not to write them. Memorial donations are usually acknowledged by the organization; it’s also possible that one of the friends or loved ones who offered assistance wouldn’t mind writing some notes for you. If six or eight months down the road you feel like writing notes, it’s okay to do so. Someone who did a kindness following a death will be happy to hear from you at any point. Just do what will work for you.

It’s important to remember that no one who made the effort to comfort the bereaved did so expecting anything in return. No one wants to add an extra burden to someone grieving a loss.