Women who miscarry report that they’re frequently the target of callous and hurtful comments that dismiss or trivialize their loss. While the list of offenders includes friends, colleagues, and medical professionals, the worst culprits might surprise you; often family members, especially their own moms, mothers-in-law, sisters, and sisters-in-law.

One mom reported that most of her family members said hurtful things,  but one knew exactly what to do – listen. Her sister sat with her while she cried, listening carefully while she shared her feelings and pain. When she was finished, her sister repeated back to her what she’d said. In doing so, her sister communicated that she was listening and understood how the mom was feeling.

Here’s a list of what you should NEVER say after a miscarriage:

• It happened for a reason.

• There was probably something wrong with your baby.

• It's God's will.

• It was for the best.

• Now you have your own angel.

• At least you didn’t know the baby.

• You can try again.

• You can always have another.

• You already have two healthy kids.

• Be grateful for the children you have.

• I can imagine how you feel.

So what can you say? Be honest: “I’m so shocked, I just don’t know what to say” or “I know how much you wanted this baby and I’m so sorry.” Comfort them with: “I’m praying that your dreams will come true” or “You're going to be wonderful parents someday." Assure them: “I’m here for you” and make good on your promise. Extend a sincere offer: “What can I do to help?” and follow through on it.

It’s important to remember that a miscarriage is a death and should be treated as such. The mom and dad feel as awful as anyone feels following a death. It will take them awhile to recover and move on with their lives. Be patient with them. And watch what you say.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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About 10 to 15 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Some suggest it is even higher as some miscarriages occur before the mom even knows she’s pregnant. Despite this high frequency, bereaved parents share that far too many friends and loved ones fail to say appropriate things and some, not knowing what to say or worse, minimizing the loss, just stay away. But it’s important to remember that a miscarriage is a death in the family and should be treated as such.

When friends and loved ones do provide caring support, they tend to focus on the mom, thinking she is the one who carried the baby and she is the one having to deal with a physical recovery. But dads grieve for the loss of their baby too.

Miscarriages happen so quickly. One minute you are a mom and dad to be; the next moment you are grieving. Many dads report that they are just as devastated as their wives after a miscarriage. But men don’t have the same friendships and support networks that women have so while their wives may find a circle of support, the dads often find themselves alone and outside the circle. To make matters worse, we tend to think that men should be the strong ones so friends and loved ones often suggest to the dad that he be strong and ensure that he’s providing his wife needed solace.

So what can you do to help a dad following a miscarriage?

Don’t forget them or assume they are not grieving for the loss of their baby. Acknowledge and validate their loss.

1. Don’t isolate the dad. Ensure that you include both the mom and dad in your condolences and support.
2. When you give the mom a hug, give the dad one too. He needs to be consoled as well.
3. Don’t tell the dad to be strong for his wife. Encourage him to articulate his feelings and let him know that real men grieve too.
4. Invite the dad out whether it’s a sporting occasion, coffee, a meal, or a drink. Give him an opportunity to talk and even if he decides he doesn’t want to, he’ll feel your support.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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