It can be hard to know what to say to someone who’s experienced loss, but individuals facing loss need to feel they’re not alone. That’s why it is so important to make personal contact.  

“I don’t know what to say but this must be very hard for you.” Someone said this to me when I was going through a challenging time, and it was exactly the right thing to say. She was showing empathy, acknowledging that even though she had never faced my experience, she understood that it was very difficult.

It’s important to break your silence and acknowledge the loss. Communicate that you are sorry for their loss and, if appropriate, give them a hug, take their hand, or touch their arm. Also important: listening. Listeners are what mourners need most because it’s through telling our story that we begin to make sense of our loss. Listening supportively isn’t always easy, but it’s the best thing you can do for someone coping with the loss of a loved one.

So how can we listen more effectively with friends and family?

• Remember that to listen well, we need to be silent.
• Make time to visit in person or chat on the telephone. 
• Open with, “I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to see how you are doing today.” 
• Listen intently, facing the speaker and making eye contact. Keep a neutral expression. 
• Encourage the conversation by nodding and acknowledging their feelings (“I can understand” or “That must be hard”) 
• End the conversation by saying, “Let’s talk again soon.” 

The more you listen, the easier it becomes. And someday, you will need others to listen to you too.
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​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

I learned to be comfortable with the bereaved because at a young age, I was the bereaved. I witnessed firsthand how young friends, their parents, my neighbors, teachers, school officials, relatives, and family friends treated and interacted with me upon learning of my father's death.

And yet it was my mom who taught me how to comfort the bereaved. She connected by phone, cooked a meal, visited the bereaved, and continued to help long past when others ceased to call. It was her model that I emulated and used to teach my own children: death is a part of life and the bereaved need our support.

Not everyone feels at ease comforting the bereaved. And if you’re not comfortable, how will you teach your child to be comfortable?

One of the ways to instill compassion in your child is to work on a comforting activity together. This is how my neighbor Susan did it.

Susan and her best friend Abby were pregnant at the same time. Susan’s baby, Lisa, was healthy; Abby’s baby, Beth, wasn’t. Beth was born with a disfiguring congenital defect for which there was no cure or repair and her parents were told that she had only months to live.

Susan and her daughter spent a lot of time with Abby and Beth as well as Abby’s older daughter Sara. When Beth died at age two, she had lived much longer than expected. Susan was a gifted writer and she chose to write the story of Beth’s life. She wanted big sister Sara to know that despite Beth’s disfiguring illness, she was much loved and during her short time on earth, her life was meaningful and she made a difference.

While working on the project, Susan shared what she was doing with her daughter Lisa and Lisa colored the illustrations Susan had drawn. Together, Susan and Lisa presented the book to Abby and Sara. Abby has shared that during the five years since Beth’s death Sara continues to get comfort from the book. She shares it with new friends as it is a comfortable way to tell the story of Beth’s short life and death.

Since Beth’s death, Susan has used her writing talents on several occasions. She has written stories and poems for friends and loved ones who are bereaved. Now, Lisa offers to draw the illustrations. She’s learned firsthand from a compassionate mom how to be compassionate too.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store

Image: stock.xchng/kslyesmith

Copyright Legacy.com  Used with permission

It is easy to become overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, and stress when faced with life’s difficulties, whether illness, death, or a personal crisis. Most of us intuitively know it’s important to be supportive during these troubling times, and yet it can be challenging despite our best efforts. One of my friends is facing that dilemma right now. Her best friend’s mother is dying of cancer, and my friend has reached out to her numerous times. Her friend does not respond to any of her communications as she is devoting all her time and energy to help her mom. My friend is frustrated as there appears nothing she can do, and she wants to help.

When someone is facing a daily crisis, they don’t have time or energy to answer queries. But that doesn’t mean that your emails, phone calls, or text messages are not appreciated. In fact, it’s possible your outreach helps them pull themselves together to face another hour or make it through the day.

Earlier this year I, too, faced a crisis. Friends and family were eager to keep in touch, and I was too overwhelmed to talk or return messages. I asked everyone to text me, and that way my phone alerted me when there was a message and the message remained on my screen until I opened my phone. I got text messages in the morning that asked how the evening before went and text messages before bed that queried how the day had gone. Each message made me feel less isolated, kept me connected, and helped me cope. My friend decided to try that approach. She periodically sent text messages that said: “Thinking of you,” “Miss you,” or “I'm here for you.” She didn’t expect a response and wasn’t disappointed when she didn’t get one.

Another friend took a different tact when her mom faced terminal cancer and updated everyone through Facebook posts. While many people are uncomfortable putting such personal details on social media, some find solace, as did my friend. Her Facebook friends who were uncomfortable with public posting reached her privately through Facebook Messenger. The many heartwarming responses comforted my friend, and when her mom died, the online community continued to rally around her.
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We have many forms of communications that make it easy and less intrusive to reach others. Continue to seek out ways to stay in touch during difficult times as your efforts truly show you care.

When I worked for a school system, my office had a “Sunshine Committee.” We paid a nominal fee for our coffee each day and the money collected was kept in a sunshine fund, used to support staff who were sick, hospitalized, in treatment, or bereaved with floral arrangements and cards.  The thoughtfulness from the Sunshine Committee permeated our office culture.
 
My congregation did not have any caring or “Sunshine” program so I offered to create one. I used my personal experiences with illness and death to craft a program that extends comfort and support to our members. These are some of the things we do that can be adapted to any organizational setting:
  
1. When a member is sick, hospitalized, in treatment, or bereaved we send a card with a handwritten note.
2. Rather than send a sympathy note to the bereaved, we send a thinking of you card two weeks following the death, a time when company is often gone and loneliness sets in.
3. We call all members who are sick, hospitalized, in treatment, or bereaved to check in and see how they are doing. We ask if they would like a personal visit and if they do, a volunteer visits. Or, if they seem to be struggling, we ask if we can check in again and then a volunteer follows up until the member is feeling better.
4. We deliver a challah to all bereaved members with a note that says the congregation is thinking of them. This gives us another opportunity to let them know they are not alone.
5. If the member needs some help with meals, a meals coordinator calls to determine how many meals they need, how many family members, and allergies or special needs. The meals coordinator then sends an alert to volunteers and meals are delivered on schedule.
6. If a member requires help with transportation to medical appointments or the pharmacy, a message is sent to our volunteer coordinator. She either arranges for a volunteer to help or links the member to local social services.

Making a difference in the life of someone ill or grieving a loss is deeply satisfying and volunteers report that they get more than they give. Whether you are a neighborhood, religious institution, business, or community, everyone profits from caring. The most satisfying element of any program is the shift from a caring program to a caring community. 

Photo credit: jpellgen (@1179_jp) <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27917561@N00/37073189515">Grinter Sunflower Farm</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">(license)</a>

 

With Hurricanes Harvey, Irma and Maria dominating the news, it’s easy to feel helpless in the wake of such personal tragedy. In this technology-driven world, we’re witnessing breaking news; reading, seeing and hearing first-hand how these disasters personally impact individuals and communities. Who can forget the faces of the heroes, carrying children through the flooded streets or rescuing the elderly and those trapped in flooded homes and apartments? Those interviewed after losing their loved ones, homes, schools and places of employment break our hearts.
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We’ve witnessed acts of courage, heroism and extensions of human kindness, but with such disaster, it’s hard to know what to say and do. Here are some ideas and thoughts on how to lend support following a natural disaster:

1. Empathy goes a long way in responding to such a catastrophe and Zig Ziglar said it best: “You never know when a moment and a few sincere words can have an impact on a life.” When you interact with survivors, volunteers, or anyone impacted by the disaster, acknowledge the loss and share your sadness. People feel comforted knowing you care.
2. Offer safe shelter. If you have room and know someone who has lost their home and has no place to go, sharing your space is a blessing. As reported on national news, a family whose home was intact invited strangers from a shelter to share their home. There are heartwarming stories of neighbors taking in neighbors and friends finding refuge with other friends. For more information on how you can open your home to those in need or how to help someone find emergency accommodations.
3. Towels and clean clothing are in demand (but confirm before sending) as well as baby diapers and wipes. So many survivors left their homes with nothing but the clothing on their backs. There will be a long-term need for comfortable clothing and sundry items. Watch the news programs and the media to see what else will be needed in the coming days. The Texas Tribune has an extensive and vetted list of Texas and national organizations that will provide necessities and could use all types of donations. The New York Times has a vetted list as well.
4. Communicate your availability. There is a tremendous need for volunteers within these hard-hit communities. The Coastal Bend Disaster Recovery Group has a volunteer registration by skills. National Voluntary Organizations Active in Disasters has an extensive list with links to their national  members who need volunteers and donations.
5. One of the most expedient ways to help is by making a donation, but be wary of scams. The FTC has published Advice for Helping Hurricane Harvey Victims where you’ll find suggestions on “Wise Giving After the Storm.” If you are looking to help someone through recovery there is a section “For Picking up the Pieces.” It’s safe to choose well-known national disaster relief organizations or use those recommended and listed on the websites of national news organizations or your local newspaper.
6. What can you do on a more personal level? If you are interacting with survivors, listen; allow them to cry or talk. Sharing their story, often over and over again, is a way for them to begin to make sense of what has happened as well as working through the healing process. If a survivor asks you for specific help, do your best to fulfill their wishes.
7. Don’t forget the children; they’ll need extra help in dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey. Tragic Times, Healing Words was originally prepared by Sesame Street Research for 9/11, but it offers relevant suggestions and guidelines for parents and caregivers on how to help children after a crisis. 

photo credit: The National Guard Texas National Guard via photopin (license)

Copyright Legacy.com  Used with permission