It can be hard to know what to say to someone who’s experienced loss, but individuals facing loss need to feel they’re not alone. That’s why it is so important to make personal contact.
When if was going through a particularly difficult time, someone said to me, "I don't know what to say, but this must be very hard for you." It turned out to be exactly the right thing to say as she was demonstrating empathy, acknowledging that even though she had never faced my experience, she understood that it was very difficult.
It’s important to break the silence and acknowledge the loss. Communicate that you are sorry for their loss and, if appropriate, give them a hug, take their hand, or touch their arm. Also important: listening.
Listeners are what mourners need most because it’s through telling our story that we begin to make sense of our loss. Listening supportively isn’t always easy, but it’s the best thing you can do for someone coping with the loss of a loved one.
So how can we listen more effectively with friends and family?
- Remember that to listen well, we need to be silent.
- Make time to visit in person or chat on the telephone.
- Open with, “I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to see how you are doing today.”
- Listen intently, facing the speaker and making eye contact. Keep a neutral expression.
- Encourage the conversation by nodding and acknowledging their feelings (“I can understand” or “That must be hard.”)
- End the conversation by saying, “Let’s talk again soon.”
This article was written by Robbie Miller Kaplan for LegacyConnect, Legacy’s grief support center.
Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don’t Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in three individual volumes: “Illness & Death,” “Suicide” and “Miscarriage.” Additional titles are available as e-books: “Death of a Child,” “Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby,” “Pet Loss,” “Caregiver Responsibilities,” “Divorce” and “Job Loss.” All titles are in Amazon’s Kindle Store. Click here to order.