What Not to Say Following a Death

Even those with the best intentions might say something inappropriate to the bereaved. Hurtful sentiments can damage relationships so many individuals stay away, fearing they’ll say the wrong thing.

So what can you do? Stick to the basics when speaking with the bereaved. Communicate in some way your sadness at their loss and if you have some knowledge of the deceased, mention a quality you admired. For example, words of comfort might be: “I was so sad to hear of your dad’s death. He was always so kind to me.”

Statements that get you into trouble are often your interpretation of the loss. Here are some areas you might want to avoid:

1. Comments that minimize the loss, such as: “He was sick for so long, it must be a relief that he's no longer in pain” or, “It’s for the best that she didn’t linger.”

2. Inappropriate statements, such as: “This is a blessing in disguise.”

3. Any suggestion there is something good in the experience, such as: “Look on the bright side, he didn’t suffer.” 

4. Comparisons of your pain and your experience to the person who is grieving, such as: “You must feel as dreadful as I did when I got my divorce.”

5. Any reference that you know how they feel; it’s impossible to know how another person is feeling, even if you have experienced a similar loss.

And if words fail you, try nonverbal approach. A gentle touch on the arm or a warm hug might be the best response of all.

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