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Why We Write Sympathy Notes

4/15/2019

When someone dies, all we have left are our memories. Condolence notes that express your sympathy bring comfort to the bereaved. The most meaningful ones include your thoughts, personal memories and, if possible, a treasured story. Photographs are especially appreciated.

Expressing condolences can be a challenge when you never met the deceased. Instead of first hand observations, you can draw on the previous conversations you've had with the bereaved. Use those stories and anecdotes as the basis for your note of sympathy, as in the following example:

Dear William,

You have my deepest sympathy on the death of your mom. I know how important she was in your life and your care and support during these last few years must have brought her great comfort. Your relationship was quite special and while this makes the loss so very painful, I do believe that your closeness and warm memories will bring you solace in the days and months ahead. Know that I am thinking of you and your mom.

Fondly,

Marie

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Used with permission from www.legacy.com

No Cancer is a Good Cancer

4/11/2019

A young woman shared with friends and family that her mother was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She became frustrated when many of them told her, “At least your mom got a good cancer.” While it is true that thyroid cancer has a high survival rate, the young woman wondered, “How can any cancer be good?” In the months ahead, the young woman watched helplessly as her vital and energetic mom wrestled with fatigue and required afternoon naps. How was this good?

I understand how this young woman feels. When my 24-year old daughter was diagnosed with thyroid cancer many people, including a member of the clergy, told me, “If you have to get cancer this is a good one to get.” I was reeling from the shock and fear that my daughter had cancer and I couldn't understand how these insensitive comments were supposed to comfort or help.

In my case, the comments didn't stop there. A number of well-meaning people made a point to call me to share that other young women they knew who had had thyroid cancer were doing great. At the time, my daughter wasn’t. Not only did she require surgery, but radioactive iodine treatment to kill the remaining cancer cells. It would be months before she was well enough to return to work.

If you know anyone that has a cancer diagnosis, no matter the survival rate or expected outcome, please do not refer to their cancer as a good cancer. So what can you say or do when someone you care about or their loved one is diagnosed with cancer?

1. Friends and loved ones appreciate empathy. Communicate, “I’m sorry you have to go through this” or “I’m sorry to hear this.”
2. If someone tells you about a cancer or diagnosis with which you are unfamiliar you can say, “I don’t know anything about this form of cancer and the diagnosis. Can you explain it to me?”
3. Validate their feelings. If they express fear you can say, “I can understand where you are coming from.”
4. The most important thing you can do is listen. Allow them to cry, vent, or articulate their fears. That’s what friends do. Please keep in mind that any cancer, no matter how curable, is life altering.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Copyright www.legacy.com. Used with permission

photo credit: People of New Zealand via photopin (license)

Extending Comfort Can Be Challenging

3/25/2019

When friends and family need support it can be hard to know what to say. A friend confides, “It doesn’t matter what’s wrong; I just feel their stress and I’m at a loss for words.”

My friend isn’t alone. I don’t know anyone who feels perfectly comfortable dealing with a difficult situation. When emotions are running high, it’s hard not to feel them yourself. Despite past experiences or even training, it’s tough to function in a stressful environment without being impacted by the stress yourself.

It's while feeling stress that it is easy to say the wrong thing. So what can you do to extend support? You can help best by listening. The sick, bereaved, or troubled friend or family member needs to articulate how they feel. It is a blessing if you can provide that outlet. Many people find comfort knowing that someone cares enough to hear them out and allows them to articulate their grief, sadness, disappointment, and a myriad of other feelings. It is through telling our stories that we often make sense of what is happening in our lives.

In the end, it’s not often what we say, but what we do.

How Do You Make Amends For Something You Said?

3/18/2019

It happens all the time. A friend, colleague or loved one shares something difficult and without giving it enough thought, we inadvertently say something inappropriate. What should we do when we know we've said the wrong thing to someone dealing with a loss?

My friend faced this dilemma. She attended a family dinner and said something to her sister-in-law that she immediately knew was out of line. She didn’t know what to do so she said nothing and her sister-in-law let it go. Even though the relationship seems fine and a year has passed, my friend still feels guilty every time she interacts with her sister-in-law and wonders if there is something she can say to make amends.

My friend could write a note and here’s what I recommended: Be honest – let her know that she is someone special in your life and your relationship is important. Mention that you said something to her a year ago at dinner and you’ve been at a loss ever since as to how you might apologize. You never meant to hurt her and you want to let her know how sorry you are for what was said. You can tell her how fortunate you feel to have her as a family member. And use the same close for your note that you’d use in other correspondence with her.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/82066314@N06/14274401760">I am Sorry</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>

Instant Sympathy via Facebook

3/11/2019

News travels fast through social media so it’s no surprise to hear about a death through Facebook. Blasts of news are so frequent that we’ve become adept at responding in similar fashion. Why send a sympathy note when with a few clicks of the keys, you’ve said your peace? With seemingly ease, people react immediately to sad news.

While I’m not a fan of posting condolence messages on Facebook, I’ve become aware of just how comforting the immediacy of support can be.

I recently attended the funeral service for a 79-year-old member of my congregation. During the service, one of the bereaved sons shared a few of the many tributes written on his father’s Facebook page. His father was a retired music teacher and his former students were very loyal and kept in touch. Upon hearing of his death, there were dozens of messages that appeared on his Facebook wall. One shared his deep sadness upon hearing the news and then continued by detailing how his beloved music teacher made a huge difference in his life. He shared stories that the family had never heard and this brought them a greater sense of their father’s legacy as well as his talents. Other students told stories that depicted their dad’s idiosyncrasies and this made them laugh. Laughter in the face of so many tears brought solace.

When my mom died, I loved the stack of condolence letters I received and on sad days, I took them to my favorite chair and re-read them. It’s true, I had to wait months to receive some of them but they became treasured reminders of my mom’s legacy; and they brought needed comfort.

Facebook seems to be doing the same thing and more in a quicker and more efficient format. For example, years ago when a cousin died, it took lots of work for me to hunt down old photos, make copies, and send an album to her bereaved husband. Now, it’s easy to scan old photos and post new ones on Facebook, some the bereaved might never have seen. And even if they have seen them, they have all the memories in one online place.

Will I stop writing and mailing written condolences? No I won't. But I will be more flexible in sharing stories and photos on Facebook. If I see the bereaved is “liking” what they see, I might add some memories to the mix. After all, the whole point is comforting the bereaved.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Copyright www.legacy.com. Used with permission.

What Not to Say to a Grieving Spouse

3/4/2019

The death of a spouse is one of the most devastating and stressful life events. The grief is deep and lasts for a long time. While every individual is different in how they grieve, there may be a period of time when the best the bereaved can do is just get out of bed. Tasks that seem quite ordinary might feel like obstacles and it’s easy to feel insecure and doubtful. So how can you help?

Bolster the bereaved's fragile psyche and give compliments. Find anything that you can praise and let them know, “You’re doing fine.” The last thing they need is criticism or someone second guessing their decisions.

Here are some things to avoid as they hamper recovery:

Don’t ask, “Are you going to be okay?” They won’t be okay for some time.
Don’t think it is your job to distract the bereaved from their grief. If they want to grieve or cry, that’s okay; they’ve lost their spouse and they have something to grieve and cry about.
Don’t tell them, “It’s been two (three or four) months and you don’t want to grieve too long.”
Don’t offer to fix them up unless they have asked you to do so or mentioned that they’d like to start dating.
Keep your opinions to yourself. Everyone handles things differently and it’s not your job to comment or critique on how the bereaved is handling things.

The Gift of Your Time

2/25/2019

It is hard to know how best to support friends and loved ones struggling with illness or those recently bereaved. Will you intrude if you call? What will you say if you visit? How can you possibly predict what might help?

Years ago, when my mom was seriously ill, I was her caregiver. Overwhelmed, far from home and my support system, I had to lean on my mother’s friends. And they came through with meals, transportation, companionship, and errands. As kind and caring as they were, it was one friend whose offers meant the most.

Each morning she would call and tell me when she had free time that day. It might have been between two and four or eleven and noon. Whatever time she had, she offered to stay at the house so I could leave and take care of anything I needed to do.

I can no longer remember this friend’s name, but I will never forget her kindness. She arrived on time and with a book. She’d read if my mom was asleep or keep her company if she was awake. If my mom needed anything, she was there to help.

This short, daily respite allowed me to run errands at the grocery, pharmacy, or the shopping mall, take a short walk, or stop and pick up something for lunch. It gave me an opportunity each day to take a breath, knowing my mother was in good hands.

After all these years, it’s this wondrous support that I remember most. And when I have the opportunity, I do it for others. Sometimes, you give the most when you give the gift of yourself.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Acknowledging Death Anniversaries

1/30/2019

It doesn't matter how long it's been, the date a loved one died is a sad day. When that date occurs, however we choose to spend it, eventually we all remember and reflect on our loved one and the void their death created in our lives.

Grief is a lonely experience so it is very comforting when others remember our loss; even better when they share their memories. In another time I would have suggested we send a note acknowledging the loss, but in this day of social media and Facebook, there are easier ways to communicate our loss and engage others.

When the anniversary of my dear aunt approached, my cousin posted a wonderful photo of her and her mom and mentioned that it was the anniversary of her mom’s death. My cousin explained, “Most of my Facebook friends are either relatives or old friends who would have known my mom. So sharing a picture of us together, during a very happy time was a way to honor her memory in a happy way.”

Friends and family members immediately wrote loving messages on my cousin’s wall, detailing fond and specific memories of my aunt. Some posts acknowledged the loss and others reflected on personal qualities. My cousin found it all comforting and it eased her sadness on a difficult day.

Old photos trigger memories for all of us and Facebook makes them easy to share. I loved the photo of my cousin and aunt and it made me smile. It reminded me of the time I used a photo of my mother holding me as a baby to illustrate a Mother’s Day blog post. In my case a Facebook friend from high school wrote, “I remember your mom” and it made me feel good to know that she was remembered.

Not everyone is a fan of Facebook and mourning; the raw emotions connected to death can be hard to read. If a post of this nature makes you uncomfortable, it’s okay to ignore it. Or, you can simply connect by liking the post, or better yet, reaching out in person.

Whether you “like” it or not, Facebook is changing the way we mourn our losses.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Copyright Legacy.com. Used with permission.

How to Write Sympathy Thank You Notes After a Death

1/28/2019

A recently bereaved sister was in a dilemma. Her brother’s friends and colleagues sent cards, flowers and gifts after his death and she wanted to acknowledge the caring gestures. But she knew few of the individuals and puzzled over how to proceed.

It is very thoughtful to thank individuals for their kindness following a loss. Sympathy thank you notes are very personal and what you say depends on how you feel about writing the notes. Some individuals create a template and use the same format for all notes; other individuals write more personal messages and use the experience as an outlet for their grief. Either way is fine.

You can say something simple, for example: "Thank you so much for the flowers in Charlie’s memory. It was a very thoughtful way to remember him. Your kindness is appreciated." You can add: "Your caring gesture was helpful during this difficult time."

If you want to write more personal notes to friends, neighbors, or colleagues you can certainly let them know your loved one mentioned them many times and their friendship meant so much to them. Or, if individuals shared stories in their notes, you can let them know how much their note and thoughts of your loved one meant to you. Whatever strategy you take is fine; the most important thing is that you’re acknowledging others' kindnesses. And you are doing it for your loved one.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

How to Help a Sick Friend

1/21/2019

While it’s tough to be sick we are often reluctant to ask for help as it’s difficult to admit that we’re having trouble managing our affairs. And yet there are times when we all face illnesses and treatments that are draining and overwhelming, making it hard to cope.

If you have a friend or loved one who is injured, sick, or in treatment, here are some ideas to help them out:

1. Offer to bring lunch or dinner. Home cooked meals are always appreciated but if you are not up to cooking, ask if they have a favorite food outlet and something specific they like to order. Then you place the order, pick it up, and deliver.

2. Be specific in extending an offer. Or, if you issue a blanket, “What can I do to help,” be prepared to do whatever is requested.

3. Friends or family members can only take so much time off from work for appointments. Offer transportation and companionship for treatments or physician appointments. It might even take the edge off the day with a stop for coffee or lunch.

4. Someone who is ill or recuperating might not have the time or the energy to shop for needed items. You can handle the transaction or, ask them to contact the store, make the transaction, and you pick it up.

5. Ask if they would like you to pick up an item (or items) each time you do your own grocery shopping, whether it’s a rotisserie chicken or milk. Or, call before running your own errands to see if they need anything at the stores you plan to visit.

If you’re still having a hard time figuring out how you can help, ask. A little guidance from friends and loved ones will give you the satisfaction of providing help that is needed and appreciated.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

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