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Seasons of Grief

12/4/2023

It’s just that time of year. While everyone is buying their holiday presents, decorating their homes, and planning holiday parties, my friend Beth is caught in her annual slump. It is winter; it might be chilly outside with a hint of snow in the forecast, but Beth has her own emotional barometer. She is getting ready to once again mourn the too-soon death of her beloved father. Despite the abundance of cheer, the winter holidays are always a season of sadness for Beth.

It's not just my friend or the time of year, many of us have a season of grief when the death anniversary and birthday of our loved one comes along. So how do we cope?

I have learned that there is no right or wrong way to work through it. Grief is so personal and it’s influenced by our experience and relationships.

As the years pass, you may handle these periods differently. Sometimes keeping busy, not just with work, but with an active social life can help. A focus on being productive so you don't succumb to sadness may give a sense that at least you are moving forward. Often, just living in the present and keeping an eye on the future helps.

I have my seasons, too. No matter how sad, it is essential for me to acknowledge my loved ones. I think of them on their birthdays, feeling my love for them and the gratitude that they were a part of my life. I light a candle for each of them on the anniversary of their death. The candle burns for twenty-four hours and as I move through my day, I glimpse the flame as I pass and it reminds me how their spirit continues to live on within me.

What I have found empowering is the knowledge that while I can’t change what has happened to me, I can control how I manage the experience. I can avoid it by burying myself or getting out of town. Or, I can acknowledge it and allow myself to recognize the gifts that were mine, no matter how fleeting. All of us have that power.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Belated Sympathy Notes - Two Perspectives

11/6/2023

You were busy, you were at a loss for words, or you just procrastinated: Whatever reason, you never wrote a sympathy note. Is it OK to write one now, three, six, or 12 months late?

My perspective on belated condolences shifted when a bereaved spouse shared: “The bereaved never ‘get over’ missing their loved ones, and they appreciate knowing that you are remembering them, too.” She compared a note of sympathy to all conversations about the bereaved. She wanted to continue to hear stories about her beloved spouse, whether they came in a note or were shared via conversation.

A recently bereaved wife reached out to let me know she did not agree. She felt it was not appropriate to send belated condolences. As a mother and a breadwinner, she had no choice but to put one foot in front of the other every day to get to work, drive her children to school, and resume her life. She has rough days, but she also has days where she functions well. Sometimes she even feels a bit like her old self. And then she gets a belated sympathy note that tugs at her heart and sets her back for days. She wonders whether a belated sympathy note is more about making the sender feel better for making an effort than it is about comforting the bereaved.

I don’t just write about loss, I have conversations with the bereaved to understand loss from a range of perspectives. My advice is grounded in firsthand accounts, and I like to think that I am an advocate for extending levels of support that help the bereaved heal.

One thing I have learned is how personal loss is and how unique the experience for each of us. Everyone grieves based on his or her experience, relationships, and life history. There are guidelines for supporting the bereaved, but no hard-and-fast rules. Each mourner is different, and what comforts one person can hurt another. And mourning itself is fraught with intense pain, sadness, and isolation. Anger is part of the grief process, and it is easy to misplace that anger.

When it comes to belated condolences, I understand both points of view. Try to get your sympathy notes written within a reasonable period. If you are late, stick to the basics and avoid heart-wrenching memories. Just bear in mind the point of your note; you would like the bereaved to know that they and their loved ones are not forgotten.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.

Image by Diane Nassy Orange Flower - Gocco Screenprinted note card via photopin (license)

Copyright and Adapted from Legacy.com. Used with permission.

Five Ways Facebook Has Changed the Way We Grieve

9/5/2023

A young woman chose to announce her mother’s death on her mom’s Facebook page. She had no other access to her mother’s wide circle of friends and she felt this was the best way to share details for her mother’s funeral. Facebook friends “shared” the funeral plans and the young woman was surprised and comforted at the large turnout at her mom’s funeral.

Whether you like it or not, Facebook has changed the way we interact, communicate, and share information. Much of our lives revolve around social media so it was inevitable that it now plays a major role in death.

Facebook has become integral in how we:

Announce a death.
While Facebook has not replaced obituaries, it has become a common source of death announcements. By its nature, Facebook communications target friends or acquaintances and through its sharing feature, spreads the word that there has been a death.
Communicate funeral information.
Facebook facilitates communications of funerals, visitations, memorial services, and other mourning rituals. It’s easier to post the information once rather than sending numerous emails or making individual phone calls. Not only can you post this information on your Facebook or loved one’s Facebook page but, you can create a “memorial” event and invite your Facebook friends.
Find a place to grieve.
Facebook allows you to memorialize a deceased member’s Facebook page. This feature creates a space to grieve both individually and collectively. A friend, whose nephew died far away, found his Facebook memorialized page comforting. She viewed the photos and read and re-read the stories about her nephew. She had a pool of fellow grievers who were keenly feeling the same loss.
Post condolences.
When a death announcement appears on Facebook, friends feel an immediate urge to respond and post condolences. This may provide quick comfort to the bereaved but unfortunately, it dampens the initiative to write a sympathy note.
Generate ongoing support.
A memorialized page, or your own Facebook page, provides a place to share future birthdays and death anniversaries of your loved ones – a continuing opportunity for friends to express their condolences, memories, and share their photos. Facebook has lifted the taboo of mentioning deceased loved ones over a long period of time.

Facebook has made grief and loss a more open part of our culture. And that’s a good thing.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Image via stock.xchng / blary54

After the Death of Both Your Mom and Dad

7/28/2023

In the scheme of things, we expect to outlive our parents. It is in the natural order that we anticipate that our parents will die before us. And yet it seems that nothing prepares us for the loss – the void we feel following their deaths.

When my last parent died, I felt I had lost my buffer. Without my mom, there was no longer a layer that protected me. When she was alive, no matter what happened or what curve life threw my way, I had someone older and wiser to lean on and learn from. My mom was wise and she continually helped me put my life and experience in perspective.

Many friends share the difficulty of caring for a mother or father who is sick and failing. Roles shift and the child becomes the caretaker. But even in sickness, a friend shared that she was able to sit close and lean her head on her mother’s shoulder. Just the very act was comforting, even though their roles had reversed.

It is during the role reversal that many of us grieve for the parent we have already lost. And we might think that in grieving and accepting the loss, we will be prepared for the finality of death. But many of us find that nothing prepares us for our parent’s death; especially our last parent.

The pain of losing a parent can be intense. I’ve heard this is true whether you had a good relationship or not. Most friends shared that the first year was the hardest. I found this true and was grateful as I moved into the second year following my mother’s death.

When my grief lingered, my husband encouraged me to find others to fill the void. “Look for someone older to establish a relationship,” he suggested. But I had lost more than my mother; within a year of her death, my last aunt died along with most of my mother’s close friends. I felt as if I lost an entire layer of my life.

So how did I move on? I did cultivate a stronger bond with my siblings and that helped me feel the continuity of family. But in my mother’s absence, I myself filled the void and took on her role. I learned how to comfort myself and my family. I became stronger and looked to myself for answers. Even today, if I have any doubts, I replay my mother’s messages over in my mind. She did her job well and I learned from the master. “Things have a way of working out,” she often said and you know what, they usually do.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

The Power of Condolences

7/20/2023

If you have ever lost a loved one, you know how painful it is. We grieve: It's our response to loss, and mourning is our reaction to grief. Mourning is the heartbreaking process we work through so we can eventually adapt to loss.

Friends or family members play a crucial role in extending support during the mourning period. We do this by offering condolences to communicate our sympathy. Expressing condolences is our way of showing compassion and concern and there is a myriad of ways to do this:

Mourners find solace when we participate in funeral rituals, such as the funeral, memorial service, visitation, wake, Shiva, or in non-pandemic times, the consolation meal.
Sign the online guest book and if you have a personal photo, upload that too. Mourners will turn to these guest books over and over and they will be carefully read in the weeks and months ahead.
It’s difficult to assume routines and responsibilities while mourning so it is helpful to provide sustenance. You can do this with a fruit basket, a meal, gift card to restaurant or favorite carry out, or a challah. There are online programs making it easy for friends and neighbors to coordinate meal deliveries.
Make a donation. The family might designate a non-profit the deceased supported; if not, choose a worthy organization that fits the interests of the bereaved. When making the donation, ask that the bereaved be notified so they are aware their loved one has been honored.
Write a sympathy note. Notes are important as they are tangible proof that the deceased mattered. Take the time to share at least one memory. Notes have lasting impact and the bereaved will read and re-read them as the move through the mourning process. Share a photo as they are especially precious.
Call, text, or email to check in. If you feel awkward just say: “Hi Tom. I’ve been thinking about you and wanted to check in.” You can ask Tom if he could use some help and go from there.
It's hard to visit in person during the pandemic. if you are both comfortable, set a time to take a walk. Or, visit with an online program, such as Facebook or Zoom.
Finding someway to meet face-to-face with the bereaved will give them time to articulate their thoughts and share their memories. Listen, allowing them to do the talking.

The bereaved need you. Your condolences during a lonely and painful time is a true blessing. Whatever you give, the bereaved will reap. It's your gestures that facilitate healing.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Photo: Flickr / Creative Commons / Derek Law

Copyright www.Legacy.com Used with permission

No Cancer is a Good Cancer

7/10/2023

A young woman shared with friends and family that her mother was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She became frustrated when many of them told her, “At least your mom got a good cancer.” While it is true that thyroid cancer has a high survival rate, the young woman wondered, “How can any cancer be good?” In the months ahead, the young woman watched helplessly as her vital and energetic mom wrestled with fatigue and required afternoon naps. How was this good?

I understand how this young woman feels. When my 24-year old daughter was diagnosed with thyroid cancer many people, including a member of the clergy, told me, “If you have to get cancer this is a good one to get.” I was reeling from the shock and fear that my daughter had cancer and I couldn't understand how these insensitive comments were supposed to comfort or help.

In my case, the comments didn't stop there. A number of well-meaning people made a point to call me to share that other young women they knew who had had thyroid cancer were doing great. At the time, my daughter wasn’t. Not only did she require surgery, but radioactive iodine treatment to kill the remaining cancer cells. It would be months before she was well enough to return to work.

If you know anyone that has a cancer diagnosis, no matter the survival rate or expected outcome, please do not refer to their cancer as a good cancer. So what can you say or do when someone you care about or their loved one is diagnosed with cancer?

1. Friends and loved ones appreciate empathy. Communicate, “I’m sorry you have to go through this” or “I’m sorry to hear this.”
2. If someone tells you about a cancer or diagnosis with which you are unfamiliar you can say, “I don’t know anything about this form of cancer and the diagnosis. Can you explain it to me?”
3. Validate their feelings. If they express fear you can say, “I can understand where you are coming from.”
4. The most important thing you can do is listen. Allow them to cry, vent, or articulate their fears. That’s what friends do. Please keep in mind that any cancer, no matter how curable, is life altering.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Copyright www.legacy.com. Used with permission

photo credit: People of New Zealand via photopin (license)

Supporting the Bereaved After a Suicide

6/26/2023

A member of my community took his life. It was a sudden and traumatic loss and while some people treated his widow with kindness, she shared that she was unprepared for the hurtful actions of others. For example, she was walking in our small town one morning when she saw a friend walking towards her; the friend saw her too, and she quickly crossed the street to avoid her.

A colleague also shared a hurtful experience following the suicide of her physician brother. Though she was just a child, she vividly remembers the sound of her neighbor’s footsteps as she crossed their wooden porch. When her mother answered the loud knock, the neighbor asked, “Jean, how’d he do it?”

It’s shocking to hear that someone has taken their life but even more shocking to learn that people do not give the bereaved the same support they give for other deaths. Why should we shy away from someone who is grieving just because their loved one took their life? As one widow stated, “My husband was a good man and lived a good life; he just chose to end it badly.”

When you learn that someone has died and the cause of death is suicide, please do the same things for the bereaved that you would do to comfort and support anyone that has experienced a death. They’ll need your support now and for a long time to come. It’s just the right thing to do.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

photo credit: blavandmaster: www.flickr.com/photos/: The gap via photopin.com

How to Help a Bereaved Child

5/26/2023

Death is a devastating experience and it is hard to know what words or actions can possibly ease the loss. When the bereaved is a child, it is even more challenging to know what to say or do. As difficult as it may be, “Try to act like things are as normal as possible,” says a friend whose mom died when she was just thirteen. “No one wants to be treated as ‘the girl whose mother died.’”

Here are some ways to help a bereaved child:

Recognize that children are unique and will experience the death of a loved one in their own way.
While it is natural to want to help a child with their problems, accept that what has happened is not fixable; this is not a problem you can solve.
Encourage friends and classmates to come to the funeral and participate in mourning rituals. This helps the bereaved child feel supported.
Children need their peers, and they would like them to just be their friends.
Treat the bereaved child the way you always have; the loss will drastically alter their life, but they are still the same person.
While the world has changed for the bereaved child, try to maintain normal routines and customary rituals. Children don’t want to feel like they are different.
It’s helpful for the bereaved to hang out with friends and have normal conversations that have nothing to do with the loss. The optimal companion is one that sits with a friend and talks.
Allow the bereaved child to be the one to bring up the loss in conversation.
Letters and sympathy notes that share anecdotes about the deceased are meaningful, even if the child cannot appreciate them now. There will be a time when they will want to read these condolence messages and your thoughts will be helpful.
Continue to speak about the deceased long after the initial weeks and months; the bereaved rarely tire of hearing about their loved one.
What can you say? “I know you are upset and I’m here so you can talk about it.” Better yet: “Tell me about your mom, dad, sister or brother.” We all want to know that our loved one is not forgotten.

Image: Flickr Creative Commons/cwasteson

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Copyright www.legacy.com Used with permission

What Not to Say When Someone has Cancer

5/22/2023

It's been many years since a family member was diagnosed with cancer yet I still recall the shock of hearing the news. Friends and other family members were equally disturbed and their responses often added to my stress. Months later when my family member was on the mend, I was able to look at the experience from a different perspective. I realized that people are often distressed when hearing difficult news and they just do not know what to say.

So how can you avoid the pitfalls of others before you?

Here’s what should you NEVER say to someone or their loved one diagnosed with cancer:

For starters, hold yourself together and don’t cry; the bearer of this difficult news barely has the strength to tell you and they surely don’t have the emotional resources to comfort you.
If you had to get cancer, this is a good one to get; no cancer is a good one to get. Surprisingly, even a clergy member said this.
Can they treat it? Maybe they can and maybe they can’t, but this is a topic the patient or family member should bring up, not you.
What’s the prognosis? Who really knows? As one friend shared, “It’s a bell curve and who knows where I’ll end up.”
I know a lot of people who had that and they’re fine. This does not make anyone feel better and it takes the attention away from someone who needs comfort and support.
Everyone’s got to die from something.

One of the best thing you can say to someone is, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this." And if you are willing, "I'd like to help. I'll keep checking back to see what I can do."

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Image via stock.xchng / magnetas

Dealing With Insensitivity Following a Death

5/8/2023

There seem to be no conversational boundaries when it comes to death. The bereaved are often subjected to inappropriate comments and questions that can shock, hurt, or leave us speechless. We are often left wondering, how can friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, and even acquaintances say or ask that?

It can be especially stressful when someone you truly care about hurts you. A week after my mother died a friend inquired, “Do you think she knew she was going to die?” I hadn’t pondered that question, but after our conversation, I could think of little else. And as much as the question pained me, I never told my friend; I did not want to lose her friendship.

I’m not alone. It is very hard to articulate your feelings when mourning a loss and even harder to do it tactfully. Sometimes it is not just inappropriate conversation; there are people who just cannot understand our loss or our pattern of grief. It can become too difficult for them or us to continue the relationship while we mourn our loss. It is not uncommon for the bereaved to distance themselves or walk away from some friendships.

So, how can you handle inappropriate comments or questions?

For starters it can be helpful to understand that most people genuinely feel sadness for you but, they just do not know what to say. Maybe they have never experienced a death so they have no way to put it into context. In their discomfort, something inappropriate pops out.
If someone makes you uncomfortable, remove yourself. If you are on the phone say, “I hear someone at the door” or “Another call is coming in.” If you are in person say, “It’s good to see you” and then exit. Or, “I have some other business to attend to.”
You can always draw a boundary and say, “I’m not prepared to discuss this.” Most people will back off but, it takes a lot of energy to deal with difficult questions and energy is what most bereaved lack.
Most important, surround yourself with supportive and understanding people while giving yourself the time and space to heal. There will always be understanding people who do know what to say and do, so gravitate to them.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Couple in a park photo via photopin (license)

copyright Legacy.com Used with permission

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