A young woman eight months pregnant gave birth to a stillborn baby. Overcome with grief, she asked her supervisor to share the news with her colleagues by e-mail so she would not have to individually communicate her devastating news. It seemed a simple request, but when she returned to work, she learned her supervisor did not notify her colleagues and they were each stunned when she painfully shared the news. Not knowing what to say or do, they avoided her and she felt shunned and alone in her grief. After a few months, she quit her job and left the company.

Afraid to say the wrong thing, many people stay away following a death. But it is important to understand how our actions, or lack of action, impact the loss that friends, family members, colleagues, and community members are experiencing. 

Here's what you should not do:

• Do not stay away; death is isolating and when you stay away, it will make the bereaved feel even more alone.

• Do not avoid returning phone calls from the bereaved.

• Do not refuse the bereaved when you are asked to help.

• Do not disregard family wishes for donations and make them instead to your pet cause.

• Do not avoid communicating the difficult news of the death, placing the burden on the bereaved.

• Do not ask the bereaved to do something for you when they can barely take care of themselves.

• Do not ask the bereaved for details.

• Do not ask for a possession of the deceased or ask for something back that you had given them.

• Do not pay a visit and expect to be fed or entertained.

• Do not expect the bereaved to reciprocate your kindness – this is one of those occasions where the bereaved will pay it forward, when they are able. 

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.​​​​​​​​

While it might seem out of place to discuss money when it comes to a death, there are many financial decisions to make. There is one that you might not consider or  know what to do: Do you need to pay the clergy who presides over your family member's funeral or memorial service? The answer depends; was the clergy affiliated with your religious organization, arranged for by the funeral home, or did you solicit their services yourself?

If the funeral home arranged for the clergy, you may have already paid a fee in your funeral bill. When hiring clergy directly, most charge a fee and communicate this upfront. You may want to follow up to see if you’ve already paid a fee or if you need to handle this.

Clergy affiliated with religious organizations usually preside over funerals and memorial services for their members and do not expect a fee. But it’s prudent to check this out. It’s common to show your appreciation by way of donations in the name of the clergy to the religious organization or to their discretionary spending fund. Or, you may make a direct donation to an appropriate nonprofit organization, acknowledging the clergy’s support during your time of loss.

If the service and eulogy were particularly touching or the clergy helpful or caring, it’s very appropriate to write a personal note. Most people feel good knowing they’ve made a difference in someone’s life; clergy members who frequently deal with loss may especially appreciate hearing how they helped you during a difficult time.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.​​​​

Facebook has processes in place to help you before or after a death so you can either memorialize a page or delete it. Just access Facebook’s “Help Center” and search for “Death” for all the appropriate links. Here’s how to handle a variety of situations:

​To remove a deceased family member from Facebook.

• Facebook requires you complete an online form and you will need to provide them  with some type of documentation to authenticate the death, such as a death certificate, obituary, or other documentation.

To memorialize a deceased friend or family member’s Facebook account when you do not want the account deleted.

• You’ll need to request that Facebook memorialize the account. They will require the name of the deceased person, the date they died, and they will request a link to the obituary or death notice.

To choose what you would like to happen to your Facebook account upon your death.

• You can decide now how you want your Facebook account handled after your death. Go to Facebook’s “Help Center” and select “Manage my account” and select “Memorialized Accounts.”
• You can choose whether you would like your account deleted upon your death or memorialized.
• If you choose to have it memorialized the word “Remembering” will appear next to your name.
• Memorializing your account will prevent your name from appearing in “Suggestions for People You May Know” or birthday reminders.
• If you would like to have your account deleted following your death, Facebook provides instructions on how to do so under the above settings.

To ensure your memorialized account will be properly managed.

• Facebook has a feature that allows you to choose someone you trust to manage your Facebook page upon your death.
• You can designate in advance (accessed though Memorialized accounts) a “legacy” contact and they will have the ability to add photos and other materials to your memorialized account.
• If you choose a Legacy contact, Facebook will send your designee a message confirming that you have chosen them. This gives you the opportunity to discuss with your legacy contact how you want your account managed upon your death.

Many bereaved friends and family members find solace in accessing and interacting with other grievers on a Facebook page. It has become a new outlet in the mourning process.

Copyright www.Legacy.com. All rights reserved. Used with permission.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

In the aftermath of her daughter’s death, my friend Isabel’s memory is hazy. She recalls friends surrounding her: they called, sent flowers, prepared meals, made donations, and attended the memorial service. And then silence. In the ensuing weeks, it took all her energy to assume fragments of her routine. Isabel said she exhausted her reserve and could not muster the energy to reach out. Her husband, while shouldering shared responsibilities, felt depleted as well. As Isabel began to comprehend the enormity of her loss, she felt alone.

Isabel has plenty of company as other bereaved parents share similar stories. Most report an overwhelming wave of support during the initial period when the newly bereaved are protected by shock and can barely register their loss. When the numbness wears off and it is time to mourn, friends are sparse. The bereaved might find it hard to find others to share their grief and this is the time when loneliness sets in.  

While many bereaved face the same dilemma, it can be particularly acute for bereaved parents. The death of a child is particularly tragic. It is unexpected and shocking, totally out of the natural order of things.  

Bereaved parents lament not just the disappearance of old friends, but the pain of losing them. They don’t understand why some friends can’t stand beside them in their hour of need. One bereaved parent explains it best: "Some people don't want to feel what we're feeling."

This comment hit home as it happened to me. In one particularly painful exchange, a colleague’s husband told us he had a meeting scheduled the morning of our daughter’s funeral. He could have rescheduled, but was so uncomfortable with the idea of going to a baby’s funeral that he chose not to attend.  

While I, too, lost friends after my children’s deaths, there were friends who stayed the course and embraced the wisdom of Irish statesman Edmund Burke: "The true way to mourn the dead is to take care of the living who belong to them." The friend you thought would be there may not, but someone else you never expected might step into their place. Embrace them and as gracefully as you can while letting the others go. The changing nature of friendship is another facet of the mourning cycle.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Here we are, almost three years in, and still in the midst of the pandemic. In "normal" times, it is easy for us to become overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, and stress when faced with life’s difficulties, whether illness, death, or a personal crisis: These are not normal times.

Most of us intuitively know it’s important to be supportive during troubling times, and yet it can be challenging despite our best efforts. Our friends, neighbors, loved ones, colleagues, and community members are facing a myriad of issues from health, unemployment, financial to mental health. You might reach out to them and get a response,  and other times, no response. 

When someone is facing a daily crisis, they often do not have time or energy to answer queries. But that doesn’t mean that your emails, phone calls, or text messages are not appreciated. In fact, it’s possible your outreach helps them pull themselves together to face another hour or make it through the day.

At one time I faced a crisis. Friends and family were eager to keep in touch, and I was too overwhelmed to talk or return messages. I asked everyone to text me, and that way my phone alerted me to messages and the message remained on my screen until I opened my phone. I got text messages in the morning that asked how the evening before went and text messages before bed that queried how the day had gone. Each message made me feel less isolated, kept me connected, and helped me cope. This is a helpful approach that is not intrusive. Periodically send text messages that say: “Thinking of you,” “Miss you,” or “I'm here for you.” Don't expect a response and you won't be disappointed when you don’t get one. Your ultimate goal is to be supportive.

A friend took a different tact when her mom faced terminal cancer. She sought indirect support by updating everyone through Facebook posts. While many people are uncomfortable putting such personal details on social media, some find solace, as did my friend. Her Facebook friends who were uncomfortable with public posting reached her privately through Facebook Messenger. The many heartwarming responses comforted my friend, and when her mom died, the online community continued to rally around her.
​
We have many forms of communications that make it easy and less intrusive to reach others. Continue to seek out ways to stay in touch during difficult times as your efforts truly show you care.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Tangible reminders are what keep our loved ones close and a continued part of our lives. Here are some ways to keep your memories alive, not just for you but for generations to come.

My friend's dad died several years ago but she thinks of him often; his golf hat and golf clubs are a constant reminder. She stores them where they are visible and she smiles when she sees them. A cousin wore his dad's coat the first winter following his father's death and a friend found great comfort using her mom's handbag while she grieved her death.

These stories made me think of my grandma. She was constantly in the kitchen and she always wore an apron. I wear an apron too and every time my hands reach behind me to tie the bow, I think of my grandma. And I've continued her legacy by giving every family member an apron.

These tangible reminders are what keep our loved ones close and a continued part of our lives. I was reminded of this when we celebrated my daughter's birthday at a restaurant. All grown up, I was surprised she wanted us to sing the family birthday song. The song dates back to my mom's camping days and my mom made it a part of our family's celebrations and I've passed it on to mine. My husband, daughter and I tried to sing quietly, clinking our glasses on cue. I thought how special it was that my mother's legacy is still very much a part of our lives and now that my daughter is a mother herself, she is passing it on to another generation.

Here are some ways to keep your memories alive, not just for you but for generations to come:

1. Display photographs where you can see them often, and use them as a way to share a story with other family members and friends.

2. Prepare and integrate family recipes into your daily life and holidays and let everyone know their history.

3. Share copies of your loved one's recipes. When I share a recipe from my mom, I always title it "Jean's ***," and it always gives me pleasure. And I have recipes in my personal cookbook that bear the names of my friends' loved ones.

4. Use a family heirloom, such as a serving piece, at holiday time, reminding your family of its history and all the occasions it's served.

5. Pass on family heirlooms to family members. Share the story behind the item so they will use and treasure both the item and the memory.

6. Tell stories and tell them often. Your personal stories will become part of your family's narrative.

7. Copy documents and share them with other family members to preserve and cherish your loved ones.

8. Document personal history and memories, creating a written story to be passed down to generations to come.

​Photo credit: memories_fcc-rachel_zack_1600x500-1170x366.jpg

​​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

It can be hard to know what to say to someone who’s experienced loss, but individuals facing loss need to feel they’re not alone. That’s why it is so important to make personal contact.  

“I don’t know what to say but this must be very hard for you.” Someone said this to me when I was going through a challenging time, and it was exactly the right thing to say. She was showing empathy, acknowledging that even though she had never faced my experience, she understood that it was very difficult.

It’s important to break your silence and acknowledge the loss. Communicate that you are sorry for their loss and, if appropriate, give them a hug, take their hand, or touch their arm. Also important: listening. Listeners are what mourners need most because it’s through telling our story that we begin to make sense of our loss. Listening supportively isn’t always easy, but it’s the best thing you can do for someone coping with the loss of a loved one.

So how can we listen more effectively with friends and family?

• Remember that to listen well, we need to be silent.
• Make time to visit in person or chat on the telephone. 
• Open with, “I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to see how you are doing today.” 
• Listen intently, facing the speaker and making eye contact. Keep a neutral expression. 
• Encourage the conversation by nodding and acknowledging their feelings (“I can understand” or “That must be hard”) 
• End the conversation by saying, “Let’s talk again soon.” 

The more you listen, the easier it becomes. And someday, you will need others to listen to you too.
​
​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

One of the questions I’m most frequently asked is, “How do I write a sympathy note?” Maybe the question you should be asking is: "Do I need to write a note of sympathy?"

For example, the father of a dear friend died. My friend was out of town when I heard the news and I reached her by phone. We chatted for some time and she shared that after a long illness, she’d made peace with her dad’s death. I called again after the funeral and we spoke. I invited her and her husband for dinner the night they returned home and she accepted. After speaking with her at length and extending my sympathy over a home-cooked meal, it felt unnecessary to write a personal condolence note, and I didn’t.

A few weeks ago I attended the funeral of a friend’s sister. I had an opportunity to express my condolences after the service. My friend hugged me tight and I knew that the physical support was a comfort. I attended a Shiva the following night; a Shiva is a Jewish ritual of mourning where family members and friends congregate to comfort the mourners. I then sent a donation in memory of my friend’s sister to the organization she’d designated. After all these expressions of sympathy I felt a sympathy note was not warranted.

I don’t suggest a blanket approach when it comes to sympathy. Each loss is unique and it's appropriate to make a personal decision on how best to support friends and loved ones. While I believe it’s always appropriate to write a note of sympathy, there are times when our actions are an expression of our condolences and writing a note isn’t necessary.
​
Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
​