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Suicide - How To Help the Bereaved

2/17/2021

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It happened again in my community. A young man died by suicide. No matter how many times it happens, suicide is a sudden, unexpected, and tragic death that leaves the bereaved and the community badly shaken.

The bereaved not only feel the raw grief of sudden loss, but may wrestle with the question, over and over again, “Wasn’t there something I could have done to prevent this?” As one clergy member shares, “It is as unexplainable as a bolt of lightning; more actually, because we all know how to stay safe during a storm.”

Suicide carries a stigma along with mental illness. It is important to keep in mind that mental illness is a disease; a chronic, cruel, and invisible disease that leaves family members isolated and lonely. 
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What can you do to help? Treat the death and the bereaved with compassion, as you would for any death. Suicide is a cause of death and not a source of shame. Your expressions of grief should mirror those you share for any other death.

What to say:
  • “I am so sorry for your loss.”
  • “I know this is a rough time for you.”
  • “I won’t pretend to know how you feel.”
  • “If you would like some company, I am here for you anytime.”
  • If you knew the deceased, share a quality you admired, such as, “I will miss Alisson’s smile.”
  • When you see them, greet them warmly and tell them, “I’m so glad to see you.”
What not to say:
  • Do not try to offer a reason for the suicide. There is no way to pinpoint a trauma or specific moment that caused the deceased to make this decision. 
  • Don’t ask for details.
  • Avoid judgmental statements, such as “It was a selfish act.”
  • Don’t avoid the bereaved for fear of saying the wrong thing.
  • Don’t disparage the deceased in any way. As one bereaved stated, “My husband was a good man. He just a bad way to die.”

One of the most important things you can do for anyone experiencing a loss is to listen. The bereaved will need to tell their story over and over again to make sense of it. This is an experience that they may not get over, but in time, their feelings will stabilize. Stay the course; you’ll be glad you did.


Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Image Into Infinity via photopin (license)


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What to Say When Someone Dies

2/2/2021

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When someone you care about is grieving, it can be hard to find the right words. Many of us hesitate to say anything to the bereaved, worrying that we’ll say the wrong thing. You don’t have to say much. But whether in person at the funeral, or in a condolence note sent with flowers, it’s important to acknowledge the loss and express your sympathy. The best advice for what to say after a death — keep it simple and speak from the heart.

It can be hard to know what to say to someone who’s experienced loss, but individuals facing loss need to feel they’re not alone. That’s why it is so important to make personal contact.   


When if was going through a particularly difficult time, someone said to me, "I don't know what to say, but this must be very hard for you." It turned out to be exactly the right thing to say as she was demonstrating empathy, acknowledging that even though she had never faced my experience, she understood that it was very difficult.

It’s important to break the silence and acknowledge the loss. Communicate that you are sorry for their loss and, if appropriate, give them a hug, take their hand, or touch their arm. Also important: listening.

Listeners are what mourners need most because it’s through telling our story that we begin to make sense of our loss. Listening supportively isn’t always easy, but it’s the best thing you can do for someone coping with the loss of a loved one.

So how can we listen more effectively with friends and family?
  • Remember that to listen well, we need to be silent.
  • Make time to visit in person or chat on the telephone. 
  • Open with, “I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to see how you are doing today.”
  • Listen intently, facing the speaker and making eye contact. Keep a neutral expression. 
  • Encourage the conversation by nodding and acknowledging their feelings (“I can understand” or “That must be hard.”) 
  • End the conversation by saying, “Let’s talk again soon.” 

The more you listen, the easier it becomes. And someday, you will need others to listen to you too.


This article was written by Robbie Miller Kaplan for LegacyConnect, Legacy’s grief support center. 
Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don’t Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in three individual volumes: “Illness & Death,” “Suicide” and “Miscarriage.” Additional titles are available as e-books: “Death of a Child,” “Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby,” “Pet Loss,” “Caregiver Responsibilities,” “Divorce” and “Job Loss.” All titles are in Amazon’s Kindle Store. Click here to order.​


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When Memories Are All We Have

1/7/2021

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Tangible reminders are what keep our loved ones close and a continued part of our lives. Here are some ways to keep your memories alive, not just for you but for generations to come.

My friend's dad died several years ago but she thinks of him often; his golf hat and golf clubs are a constant reminder. She stores them where they are visible and she smiles when she sees them. A cousin wore his dad's coat the first winter following his father's death and a friend found great comfort using her mom's handbag while she grieved her death.

These stories made me think of my grandma. She was constantly in the kitchen and she always wore an apron. I wear an apron too and every time my hands reach behind me to tie the bow, I think of my grandma. And I've continued her legacy by giving every family member an apron.

These tangible reminders are what keep our loved ones close and a continued part of our lives. I was reminded of this when we celebrated my daughter's birthday at a restaurant. All grown up, I was surprised she wanted us to sing the family birthday song. The song dates back to my mom's camping days and my mom made it a part of our family's celebrations; I've passed it on to mine. My husband, daughter and I tried to sing quietly, clinking our glasses on cue. I thought how special it was that my mother's legacy is still very much a part of our lives and now that my daughter is a mother herself, I have very confidence that my daughter will pass it on to another generation.

Here are some ways to keep your memories alive, not just for you but for generations to come:

1. Display photographs where you can see them often, and use them as a way to share a story with other family members and friends.

2. Prepare and integrate family recipes into your daily life and holidays and let everyone know their history.

3. Share copies of your loved one's recipes. When I share a recipe from my mom, I always title it "Jean's ***," and it always gives me pleasure. And I have recipes in my personal cookbook that bear the names of my friends' loved ones.

4. Use a family heirloom, such as a serving piece, at holiday time, reminding your family of its history and all the occasions it's served.

5. Pass on family heirlooms to family members that will use and treasure both the item and the memory.

6. Tell stories and tell them often. Your personal stories will become part of your family's history.

7. Copy documents and share them with other family members to preserve and cherish your loved ones.

8. Document personal history and memories, creating a written story to be passed down to generations to come.

​Photo credit: memories_fcc-rachel_zack_1600x500-1170x366.jpg

This article was written by Robbie Miller Kaplan for LegacyConnect, Legacy’s grief support center. 
Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don’t Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in three individual volumes: “Illness & Death,” “Suicide” and “Miscarriage.” Additional titles are available as e-books: “Death of a Child,” “Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby,” “Pet Loss,” “Caregiver Responsibilities,” “Divorce” and “Job Loss.” All titles are in Amazon’s Kindle Store. Click here to order.


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No Quick Fix For Grief

1/5/2021

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There is no way around it: Grief is painful. It’s hard to experience it yourself and it’s terribly difficult to watch someone you love go through it. But what’s the alternative? 

You can try to medicate your grief, but at some point you have to stop and the pain comes rushing back. Distractions do help, but if you are not grieving your loss, eventually distractions end and you are once again left with the pain. 

So what does work?

It's important to allow yourself to fully mourn your loss so you can ultimately accept it and move on with your life. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t begin to re-enter during the mourning process. In fact, making your way back into the world goes a long way in helping you work through your grief.

Patience and purpose are helpful healers. Activities and deeds, such as work, hobbies, interests, and volunteering are excellent ways to distract while helping the mind refocus. And when you’re in a place where it’s difficult to feel joy, there is satisfaction in accomplishing tasks and joy in helping others.

Transitions are never easy and this is a tough one to make.  Everyone works through grief in their own way and in their own time, so cut yourself or your loved one some slack and go with what works. Be patient and most important, be kind to yourself.


Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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How to Support the Bereaved

12/7/2020

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Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don’t Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for “Illness & Death,” “Suicide,” “Miscarriage,” “Death of a Child,” “Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby,” “Pet Loss,” “Caregiver Responsibilities,” “Divorce” and “Job Loss.” All titles are in Amazon’s Kindle Store.
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No Holiday From Grief: Life Events Without Your Loved One

12/3/2020

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How do we handle life’s happy moments after the death of someone we love?

Life doesn’t stop with the death of a loved one. The seasons pass and holidays come and go.  Life cycle events and milestones continue to happen: children are born, graduate, go to college, marry, have children, and continue to grow. Grandchildren are born… Life goes on.

So, how do we handle those sweet and happy moments, knowing quite well that someone is missing?

Some families have rituals. I know our family did. When my father died, he left four children, ages eleven to twenty. He missed it all; proms, college scouting trips, graduations, weddings, and grandchildren. I remember my mother on significant days, leaning close and telling me, “Your dad would be so proud.” In doing so, she somehow made him a part of the day, despite how many years had passed.

A good friend handled his loss differently. His wife died when his children were thirteen and seventeen. As significant events approached, he’d ask, “What do we do?” And the three of them would decide how they’d handle the occasion. He also made sure to tell his children at appropriate times, “Mom would have loved this.” At other times he’d say, “Too bad we couldn’t have had mom here. It’s a shame she didn’t experience this,” or “How incredible it would have been to have been together.”   

Grief is very personal and each individual and family handles grief and loss in their own way. For some families, life without their deceased loved one means choosing not to bring their name and remembrance into special family milestone moments. That’s what happened to my cousins. Their mother found it too painful to mention their dad at special events or in connection with personal achievements. And yet my cousins themselves chose to keep their dad’s memory alive through stories and memories. This made their mom happy and she did make a point to share over the years how pleased she was that her children had such happy recollections of their dad and their shared laughter and stories made them all feel good.

Families are as unique as their members and while there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is also no standard way to remember a loved one. Whether we choose to keep a deceased loved one’s memory alive in a public way, or grieve privately and move on, is a very personal choice. 

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don’t Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for “Illness & Death,” “Suicide,” “Miscarriage,” “Death of a Child,” “Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby,” “Pet Loss,” “Caregiver Responsibilities,” “Divorce” and “Job Loss.” All titles are in Amazon’s Kindle Store.

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Holiday Sadness

11/25/2020

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While feeling sad after a loved one's death is a natural phase of the grieving process, some people find that first and second year too raw to participate in the holidays. Family and friends might help buffer those first celebrations, but if you’re all by yourself or feeling alone, you may be more comfortable seeking help.

Local hospices, hospitals, funeral homes, and  bereavement support groups offer workshops and hotlines on getting through the holidays, often held from Thanksgiving through New Year’s. Conduct an online search and enter "grief support during the holidays" and you'll be prompted with an array of options. Try the "near me" or access any of the other results. If you come up empty do a search for local hospices and call them directly. There are numerous options for online support groups as well. Enter "online bereavement support groups" and check out the listings to find a group you're comfortable with.

Many people find grief support particularly helpful during the holiday season. It’s comforting to know you’re not alone.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in nine e-books: Illness & Death, Suicide, Miscarriage, Death of a Child, Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby, Pet Loss, Caregiver Responsibilities, Divorce, and Job Loss. All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.


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Sympathy Notes When You Never Met the Deceased

11/16/2020

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When someone dies, all we have left are our memories. Condolence notes that express your sympathy bring comfort to the bereaved. The most meaningful ones include your thoughts, personal memories and, if possible, a treasured story. Photographs are especially appreciated.

Expressing condolences can be a challenge when you never met the deceased. Instead of first hand observations, you can draw on the previous conversations you've had with the bereaved. Use those stories and anecdotes as the basis for your note of sympathy, as in the following example:

Dear William,

You have my deepest sympathy on the death of your mom. I know how important she was in your life and your care and support during these last few years must have brought her great comfort. Your relationship was quite special and while this makes the loss so very painful, I do believe that your closeness and warm memories will bring you solace in the days and months ahead. Know that I am thinking of you and your mom.

Fondly,

Marie

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Used with permission from www.legacy.com


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What Happens to your Social Media Accounts When you Die?

11/10/2020

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It’s important to consider your social media accounts when making your estate plans. Do you want your accounts deleted or memorialized upon your death? Add a list of your social media accounts, passwords, and other required information to your estate planning documents so your heirs can easily and completely manage your affairs.
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When it comes to death, each form of social media has its own criteria for closing or memorializing an account.


​Twitter:
  1. A designated person authorized to act on behalf of the estate of a deceased Twitter member or a verified immediate family member of the deceased will need to access Twitter’s “Help Center.”
  2. Once the authorized person or family member has requested the account be deactivated, Twitter will contact them by email with further instructions.
  3. Twitter requires a copy of the designee’s identification and the deceased’s death certificate.
Instagram:
  1. An immediate family member of the deceased can request the Instagram account be removed through Instagram’s “Help Center.” You will need to provide verification with this request, such as a birth certificate of the deceased, the death certificate of the deceased, or proof that you are the lawful representative of the deceased person or their estate. 
  2. You don’t have to be a family member to report a death to Instagram and ask that an account be memorialized. Proof of death is required either by linking to an obituary or news article.
Pinterest:
  1. Send an email to Pinterest at care@pinterest.com to deactivate a deceased person’s Pinterest account.
  2. Requirements include your full name, full name and email address of the deceased person’s account, and a link to their Pinterest account (ex: pinterest.com/USERNAME). Pinterest suggests searching for it onhttps://pinterest.com/all/ if you don’t have that information.
  3. Requirements include either a death certificate, obituary, or news article. You’ll need documentation of your relationship to the deceased; your name in the obituary may be all that’s needed. Or, Pinterest will accept a birth or marriage certificate, public mention of relationship, a family tree, family/household records, or notarized proof of relation.
LinkedIn:
  1. Access LinkedIn’s “Help Center” to close a LinkedIn account after a death.
  2. Following completion of an online form, LinkedIn will remove the deceased member’s profile on your behalf. They will need the deceased member's name, the URL to their LinkedIn profile, identification of your relationship to them, the deceased’s email address, the date they died, a link to an obituary, and the company/organization where they most recently worked.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

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Photo via the UMF Social Media v1 via photopin (license)

Copyright legacy.com  Used with permission

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Dealing With Insensitivity Following a Death

11/2/2020

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There seem to be no conversational boundaries when it comes to death. The bereaved are often subjected to inappropriate comments and questions that can shock, hurt, or leave us speechless. We are often left wondering, how can friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, and even acquaintances say or ask that?

It can be especially stressful when someone you truly care about hurts you. A week after my mother died a friend inquired, “Do you think she knew she was going to die?” I hadn’t pondered that question, but after our conversation, I could think of little else. And as much as the question pained me, I never told my friend; I did not want to lose her friendship.

I’m not alone. It is very hard to articulate your feelings when mourning a loss and even harder to do it tactfully. Sometimes it is not just inappropriate conversation; there are people who just cannot understand our loss or our pattern of grief. It can become too difficult for them or us to continue the relationship while we mourn our loss. It is not uncommon for the bereaved to distance themselves or walk away from some friendships.
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So, how can you handle inappropriate comments or questions?
  • For starters it can be helpful to understand that most people genuinely feel sadness for you but, they just do not know what to say. Maybe they have never experienced a death so they have no way to put it into context. In their discomfort, something inappropriate pops out.
  • If someone makes you uncomfortable, remove yourself. If you are on the phone say, “I hear someone at the door” or “Another call is coming in.” If you are in person say, “It’s good to see you” and then exit. Or, “I have some other business to attend to.”
  • You can always draw a boundary and say, “I’m not prepared to discuss this.”  Most people will back off but, it takes a lot of energy to deal with difficult questions and energy is what most bereaved lack.
  • Most important, surround yourself with supportive and understanding people while giving yourself the time and space to heal. There will always be understanding people who do know what to say and do, so gravitate to them.


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Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.


Couple in a park photo via photopin (license)

copyright Legacy.com  Used with permission

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