A young woman chose to announce her mother’s death on her mom’s Facebook page. She had no other access to her mother’s wide circle of friends and she felt this was the best way to share details for her mother’s funeral. Facebook friends “shared” the funeral plans and the young woman was surprised and comforted at the large turnout at her mom’s funeral.

Whether you like it or not, Facebook has changed the way we interact, communicate, and share information. Much of our lives revolve around social media so it was inevitable that it now plays a major role in death.

Facebook has become integral in how we:

1. Announce a death. 
   While Facebook has not replaced obituaries, it has become a common source of death announcements. By its nature, Facebook communications target friends or acquaintances and through its sharing feature, spreads the word that there has been a death.
2. Communicate funeral information.
   Facebook facilitates communications of funerals, visitations, memorial services, and other mourning rituals. It’s easier to post the information once rather than sending numerous emails or making individual phone calls. Not only can you post this information on your Facebook or loved one’s Facebook page but, you can create a “memorial” event and invite your Facebook friends.
3. Find a place to grieve.
   Facebook allows you to memorialize a deceased member’s Facebook page. This feature creates a space to grieve both individually and collectively. A friend, whose nephew died far away, found his Facebook memorialized page comforting. She viewed the photos and read and re-read the stories about her nephew. She had a pool of fellow grievers who were keenly feeling the same loss.
4. Post condolences.
   When a death announcement appears on Facebook, friends feel an immediate urge to respond and post condolences. This may provide quick comfort to the bereaved but unfortunately, it dampens the initiative to write a sympathy note.  
5. Generate ongoing support.
   A memorialized page, or your own Facebook page, provides a place to share future birthdays and death anniversaries of your loved ones – a continuing opportunity for friends to express their condolences, memories, and share their photos. Facebook has lifted the taboo of mentioning deceased loved ones over a long period of time.

Facebook has made grief and loss a more open part of our culture. And that’s a good thing.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.​​

Image via stock.xchng / blary54

I’m reading a murder mystery and the victim is a male adolescent. A group of parents whose children were friends with the victim meet to console one another. One parent asks, “Has anyone been in touch with his parents?” Other parents respond, “No. What could we possibly say?”

While this might be fiction, the dilemma is not. Many people shy away from the bereaved, or even the sick, because they don’t know what to say. Or, they stay away for fear they’ll say the wrong thing.

If you worry about saying the wrong thing, your fears are justified. Judging from the comments I receive, people frequently say inappropriate things to the sick and bereaved. I sometimes wonder why or how people could possibly say such insensitive things. That is, until I find myself once again in their shoes.

It’s natural to want to console and comfort but this does not come easy when hearing shocking news. And bad news is always shocking because we’re never prepared to hear it. A neighbor’s cancer diagnosis, a baby’s death before birth, a friend’s spouse who dies suddenly, or a loved one requiring emergency surgery. The unexpected can leave me grasping for words. 

So what do I do and what might help you when faced with terribly sad and shocking losses? I stop, I focus, and I think before I speak. If I’m face-to-face, I might extend my hand in comfort or give a hug. I might say, quite truthfully, “I’m so sorry,” with an emphasis on the word “so.” I might ask how I can be of help or offer to do something specific, such as making some calls or sending emails to notify others. Before I say anything else, I give myself the time to absorb and process the news.
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The one thing I find that truly helps is to let someone know I care. And not too long ago, when I needed support, a dear friend did just that. As our conversation came to an end she closed by saying “I love you.” It was just what I needed to hear. Maybe someone you know needs to hear it too.


Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.

It can be hard to know what to say to someone who’s experienced loss, but individuals facing loss need to feel they’re not alone. That’s why it is so important to make personal contact.  

“I don’t know what to say but this must be very hard for you.” Someone said this to me when I was going through a challenging time, and it was exactly the right thing to say. She was showing empathy, acknowledging that even though she had never faced my experience, she understood that it was very difficult.

It’s important to break your silence and acknowledge the loss. Communicate that you are sorry for their loss and, if appropriate, give them a hug, take their hand, or touch their arm. Also important: listening. Listeners are what mourners need most because it’s through telling our story that we begin to make sense of our loss. Listening supportively isn’t always easy, but it’s the best thing you can do for someone coping with the loss of a loved one.

So how can we listen more effectively with friends and family?

• Remember that to listen well, we need to be silent.
• Make time to visit in person or chat on the telephone. 
• Open with, “I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to see how you are doing today.” 
• Listen intently, facing the speaker and making eye contact. Keep a neutral expression. 
• Encourage the conversation by nodding and acknowledging their feelings (“I can understand” or “That must be hard”) 
• End the conversation by saying, “Let’s talk again soon.” 

The more you listen, the easier it becomes. And someday, you will need others to listen to you too.
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​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

It's a new decade and we all might wonder: What role do manners and civility play in our current culture? What if any standards do we uphold? We now live in a world where truly anything goes and that extends to appearance.

Knowing this, I’m still surprised at some of the things people wear. It was freezing last night and yet young children were wearing shorts and sandals at the mall. It's common to see jeans and sweatshirts at church and synagogue, shorts at a fine restaurant on a Saturday night, and flip flops for all occasions. But when it comes to funerals, most of us sense that there are some rules of protocol that should be followed.

A friend recently shared that she attended a funeral and was surprised that a teenage family member wore casual clothing and flip flops. I was shocked  myself when attending a funeral at Arlington National Cemetery to see the thirty-year old daughter of the deceased wearing a red low-cut dress that showed her cleavage. So it’s no wonder that those of us attending funerals might think, what should we wear? 

It's possible the bereaved family might set the tone for dress. A friends's mother died of breast cancer and they asked all funeral attendees to wear pink. If there are no directives from the family, it’s safe to err on the conservative side and avoid bright colors, bright prints, and anything flashy or glittery. Stay away from the casual and opt for something on the dressier side. You don’t have to stick to black but choose darker or muted colors, such as, grays, dark blues, or browns. Women can wear pants, skirts, blouses, jackets, sweaters, or dresses, opting for a pulled together look. No sneakers, flip flops or too casual shoes. Men can wear slacks, sport jackets, or suits, and appropriate footwear. The look you want is non obtrusive.

Funerals are not a time to be conspicuous; it’s a time to blend in with the other mourners.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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For whatever reason, you never got around to writing that sympathy note. Maybe you are pressed for time or it felt too hard. Now it is weeks and months later and you wonder, "How late is too late when it comes to writing a message of condolence?" As one widow shares, “It's never too late. It's not as if we finish grieving and ‘forget’ that our loved one died.” A loved one’s death is always in the hearts and minds of the bereaved.

Here are some tips on belated condolence notes:

• Whether you just learned of a death or procrastinated for months, don’t be afraid to reach out.
• Begin your sympathy message with an expression of how you are feeling. For example: “I just wanted you to know that Susan is often in my thoughts and I remember her with love, as I know you do."
• Follow with additional thoughts, a personal story or memory of the deceased, and your expression of sympathy.
• The bereaved will be grieving for a long time and your thoughtfulness and care will help in the healing process.

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Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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The words sympathy and empathy are often thought to be the same, and yet they are distinct expressions.

In times of death, we often extend sympathy by sharing our sorrow for what’s happened. Sympathy cards are often synonymous with condolence messages. When offering sympathy, we’re expressing concern for another’s feelings. Sympathy cards, condolence notes, phone calls, e-mails, meals, and offers of assistance are all expressions of sympathy.

But you don’t offer empathy, you feel it. Empathy is the act of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. It’s trying to imagine: “How would I feel if this happened to me?” And it’s the ability to act on those feelings. When being empathetic, we extend our concern by offering compassion so the bereaved feel validated; that someone has a sense of what has happened and how they might be feeling.

I think it’s easier to extend sympathy. We all know to attend the funeral, participate in mourning rituals, send a condolence card, make a donation, and keep in touch. Empathy is harder; it’s taking the time to think carefully while trying to understand how you might feel if this happened to you and what might bring you comfort.

Listening is a good example of empathy and we all know how difficult it is to simply pay close attention to what is being said, without adding our personal feelings or thoughts. It takes patience to hear the same story over and over again, but it is an empathetic and meaningful thing to do.

When I think back to some of the stories that the bereaved have shared, it’s easy to discern the differences. One mother wrote that at her child’s funeral, she sat all by herself with her surviving child; everyone else, including her ex-husband, sat behind her. If someone had taken a seat next to her, that would have been empathetic. A grieving daughter shared that she had to make the arrangements for her father’s funeral and reception by herself. Relatives weren’t happy with her choices and complained to her at a time of painful loss. Empathetic folks would have helped; those that couldn’t help would have accepted what she was capable of doing and extended comfort.

We’ll all experience loss: Would you prefer someone extend you sympathy or empathy?

It’s just that time of year. While everyone is buying their holiday presents, decorating their homes, and planning holiday parties, my friend Beth is caught in her annual slump. It is winter; it might be chilly outside with a hint of snow in the forecast, but Beth has her own emotional barometer. She is getting ready to once again mourn the too-soon death of her beloved father. Despite the abundance of cheer, the winter holidays are always a season of sadness for Beth. It's not just my friend or the time of year, many of us have a season of grief when the death anniversary and birthday of our loved one comes along. So how do we cope?

I have learned that there is no right or wrong way to work through it. Grief is so personal and it’s influenced by our experience and relationships.

As the years pass, you may handle these periods differently. Sometimes keeping busy, not just with work, but with an active social life can help. A focus on being productive so you don't succumb to sadness may give a sense that at least you are moving forward. Often, just living in the present and keeping an eye on the future helps.

I have my seasons, too. No matter how sad, it is essential for me to acknowledge my loved ones. I think of them on their birthdays, feeling my love for them and the gratitude that they were a part of my life. I light a candle for each of them on the anniversary of their death. The candle burns for twenty-four hours and as I move through my day, I glimpse the flame as I pass and it reminds me how their spirit continues to live on within me.

What I have found empowering is the knowledge that while I can’t change what has happened to me, I can control how I manage the experience. I can avoid it by burying myself or getting out of town. Or, I can acknowledge it and allow myself to recognize the gifts that were mine, no matter how fleeting. All of us have that power.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in nine e-books: Illness & Death, Suicide, Miscarriage, Death of a Child, Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby, Pet Loss, Caregiver Responsibilities, Divorce, and Job Loss. All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.

While feeling sad after a loved one's death is a natural phase of the grieving process, some people find that first and second year too raw to participate in the holidays. Family and friends might help buffer those first celebrations, but if you’re all by yourself or feeling alone, you may be more comfortable seeking help.

Local hospices, hospitals, funeral homes, and  bereavement support groups offer workshops on getting through the holidays, often held from Thanksgiving through New Year’s. Conduct an online search and enter "grief support during the holidays" and you'll be prompted with an array of options. Try the "near me" or access any of the other results. If you come up empty do a search for local hospices and call them directly. There are numerous options for online support groups as well. Enter "online bereavement support groups" and check out the listings to find a group you're comfortable with.

Many people find grief support particularly helpful during the holiday season. It’s comforting to know you’re not alone.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in nine e-books: Illness & Death, Suicide, Miscarriage, Death of a Child, Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby, Pet Loss, Caregiver Responsibilities, Divorce, and Job Loss. All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.