I learned to be comfortable with the bereaved because at a young age, I was the bereaved. I witnessed firsthand how young friends, their parents, my neighbors, teachers, school officials, relatives, and family friends treated and interacted with me upon learning of my father's death.

And yet it was my mom who taught me how to comfort the bereaved. She connected by phone, cooked a meal, visited the bereaved, and continued to help long past when others ceased to call. It was her model that I emulated and used to teach my own children: death is a part of life and the bereaved need our support.

Not everyone feels at ease comforting the bereaved. And if you’re not comfortable, how will you teach your child to be comfortable? One of the ways to instill compassion in your child is to work on a comforting activity together. This is how my neighbor Susan did it.

Susan and her best friend Abby were pregnant at the same time. Susan’s baby, Lisa, was healthy; Abby’s baby, Beth, wasn’t. Beth was born with a disfiguring congenital defect for which there was no cure or repair and her parents were told that she had only months to live.

Susan and her daughter spent a lot of time with Abby and Beth as well as Abby’s older daughter Sara. Beth died at age two, having lived much longer than expected. Susan, a gifted writer, chose to write the story of Beth’s life. She wanted big sister Sara to know that despite Beth’s disfiguring illness, she was much loved and during her short time on earth, her life was meaningful and she made a difference.

While working on the project, Susan shared what she was doing with her daughter Lisa and Lisa colored the illustrations Susan had drawn. Together, Susan and Lisa presented the book to Abby and Sara. Abby has shared that during the five years since Beth’s death Sara continues to get comfort from the book. She shares it with new friends as it is a comfortable way to tell the story of Beth’s short life and death.

Since Beth’s death, Susan has used her writing talents on several occasions. She has written stories and poems for friends and loved ones who are bereaved. Now, Lisa offers to draw the illustrations. She’s learned firsthand from a compassionate mom how to be compassionate too.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Image: stock.xchng/kslyesmith

Adapted and previously published Legacy.com  Used with permission

If you have never had a pet then you might not understand how painful it can be when a beloved pet dies. I did not understand, but that changed when a dachshund named "Penny" came into my life.

My daughter adopted Penny from the animal shelter and Penny quickly found a place in our family. Within days of her adoption,  we realized something was wrong; tests and an ultrasound revealed that Penny had a terminal illness and did not have long to live. With no pet experience, we came to the heartbreaking decision to take her back to the animal shelter. I was shocked at how quickly we had fallen in love with Penny and how deeply painful it was to let her go.

In the days and weeks that followed, I found it hard to explain my sadness; after all, we had had Penny just one week. Most people did not understand my grief but my sister was helpful. She had always had a dog and she understood my grief. My frequent calls to her helped me through a tough time.

Dachshund Rescue had taken Penny and because of the care we had given her, they offered my daughter a healthy dog. When an abandoned and pregnant dachshund came under their care, our daughter was offered pick of the litter. Not just one, but two dachshund puppies joined our family, one for each daughter.

The dogs, Charley and Gracie, have been an integral part of our family for almost fifteen years. I now understand the bond pets have with their owners and as these two precious dogs are nearing the end of their lives I honestly can not imagine life without them.

Recently, when a friend called to tell me that her beloved dog had died, I shared how sad I was to hear the news. And when she said she was totally lost in the morning and after work, I knew that her routine had totally changed and it was unsettling. And when she told me she was not ready for another dog, I understood that, too; a new pet can not replace the one you lost.

Pets are beloved companions and losing a pet is a significant loss. The grief is genuine, deeply felt, and painful. The loss disrupts our life and routine and it is an unwelcome upheaval. 

So how can we help? We can express our sadness for the loss. We can listen and we can acknowledge how painful it must be to lose a beloved family member. We can share our memories of the pet. But most of all, we can validate the feelings of loss and the deep sadness that friends and loved ones feel when grieving the death of their beloved pet.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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What can you do when a child dies and you want to keep their memory alive? That's what one mom asked. She was deep in grief and she didn’t want her little girl forgotten. She wanted her daughter to remain a part of her life, but she was in so much pain, she couldn't figure out how to do it.

When our son and daughter died in infancy, my husband and I also searched for ways to remember and honor their memory. We donated a rocking chair to the children's hospital where they were treated because there were never enough rocking chairs. We attached a plaque that noted it was in our children's memory and the doctors told us they thought of us whenever they used the chair. We also donated children's books to a library and had labels affixed in memory of our children and we established and donated to a research fund at the hospital where they were treated.

In Elizabeth Edwards' book, "Saving Graces," she shares a number of things she did to keep her teenage son Wade's memory and spirit alive. She donated funds to create a computer lab in his memory at a local school and she also volunteered there. To remember Wade on the first anniversary of his death, she worked with a local ice cream store and prepaid for a number of cones. She then printed vouchers for a free ice cone in Wade’s memory that she distributed to children on the anniversary of his death.

A reader shared something similar; she ordered from a fast food restaurant and when it was time to pay, she was told her bill had been paid. She was given a certificate that said she had been gifted with a random act of kindness in memory of a deceased child and It included a website that was a memorial to the child. The same reader shared that a friend’s family made magnets to remember their beloved daughter and sister. They chose a quote: “Remember Cathy and live life with a shout not a whisper.” They had the quotes printed on regular printer paper and used magnet kits purchased at office supply stores. Family members keep the magnets on their refrigerators and it gives them an opportunity to think and talk about Cathy.

If you, too, are aware of creative ways to keep your loved one’s memory alive, please share them with us.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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The manager of a sales team learned that the sister of one of her employees died while on vacation. The facts surrounding the death appeared suspicious and the local authorities suspected foul play. The organization sent flowers and a condolence note, but there had been no personal contact with the bereaved employee who is now due back to work. The manager and her staff ponder, "What will I say?"

A neighbor faced a similar dilemma. She learned an acquaintance was diagnosed with a terminal illness and was receiving treatment. Before she could reach out with a note or a card, she bumped into him on the street. Tongue-tied she wondered, "What can I  say?" Are there any words of comfort for a terminal illness?

Many of us face similar situations. We send cards, write notes, express our concern, but when placed face-to-face with the individual grappling with loss, we just can not fathom what words will bring comfort.

Whether someone is chronically or terminally ill or dealing with sudden or shocking death, their world is turned upside down. It is hard to function in that state of mind and yet, here they are, trying to continue their lives in the spirit in which they have lived. So when you see them at work, at a meeting, on the street, or in a restaurant, an appropriate response is, “I’m so glad to see you,” said with a handshake, a hug, or whatever greeting feels appropriate.

Do not avoid or shy away from someone dealing with illness or any type of loss. Greet them and let them know you care. And do it every time you see them. It is how each of us would like to be treated in our time of need.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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It’s difficult to witness the physical and mental decline of a friend or loved one with a debilitating illness. In fact, it’s hard not to grieve while they are still alive, as responsibilities and relationships shift and lives change. Some might think that death would be a relief and grief shortened, but that’s not often the case.

My mother declined over a period of 18 months, and during that time, our roles steadily reversed. I loved her dearly, relying on her strength, and I grieved for her as she retreated from my life. Following surgery, she bravely and with great determination fought her way to recovery and amazingly flew by herself first west and then north for family visits. She died just three months after her visit with me.

The morning after her funeral, my first emotion was relief: I would no longer have to worry. No more frequent phone calls or arguments as I pleaded with her to forgo habits and activities that put her at risk. That relief quickly mushroomed into overwhelming grief, and it would take me time to learn how to live without her.

One friend had a different experience. She shadowed her parents during the year her father bravely fought cancer and again the following year when her mother’s cancer spread. By the second funeral,  she felt numb. Surely she grieved in those early days as she and her siblings settled the family estate, but she shared that she had done most of her grieving while her parents were still alive.

Another friend’s mother had dementia, and it robbed her of seven years of her life. Her mom’s decline was excruciating to watch. While driving her mom to the doctor one day, my friend’s mother asked, “Are you my mother or my daughter?” My friend lost control of the car and hit a parked car. After that incident, my friend prayed that her mom would pass away and find some peace. When the day finally came and her mother died, my friend was inconsolable. She grieved deeply until her own death, just eighteen months later.

Grief is such a personal experience. We all grieve differently based on our personalities, relationship with the deceased, life experiences, and probably a host of other factors. And we grieve in our own time. Just because we have a warning that a loved one will die doesn’t mean we are prepared for the loss. No matter the relationship or the age, few people are ready to say goodbye. Each of us needs the time, space, and extended support to heal and, hopefully, find peace. 

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Photo: Magdalena Roeseler via photopin

​Copyright Legacy.com Used with permission

A young woman eight months pregnant gave birth to a stillborn baby. Overcome with grief, she asked her supervisor to share the news with her colleagues by e-mail so she would not have to individually communicate her devastating news. It seemed a simple request, but when she returned to work, she learned her supervisor did not notify her colleagues and they were each stunned when she painfully shared the news. Not knowing what to say or do, they avoided her and she felt shunned and alone in her grief. After a few months, she quit her job and left the company.

Afraid to say the wrong thing, many people stay away following a death. But it is important to understand how our actions, or lack of action, impact the loss that friends, family members, colleagues, and community members are experiencing. 

Here's what you should not do:

• Do not stay away; death is isolating and when you stay away, it will make the bereaved feel even more alone.

• Do not avoid returning phone calls from the bereaved.

• Do not refuse the bereaved when you are asked to help.

• Do not disregard family wishes for donations and make them instead to your pet cause.

• Do not avoid communicating the difficult news of the death, placing the burden on the bereaved.

• Do not ask the bereaved to do something for you when they can barely take care of themselves.

• Do not ask the bereaved for details.

• Do not ask for a possession of the deceased or ask for something back that you had given them.

• Do not pay a visit and expect to be fed or entertained.

• Do not expect the bereaved to reciprocate your kindness – this is one of those occasions that when they are able, they will pay it forward.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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It can be hard to know what to say to someone who’s experienced loss, but individuals facing loss need to feel they’re not alone. That’s why it is so important to make personal contact.  

“I don’t know what to say but this must be very hard for you.” Someone said this to me when I was going through a challenging time, and it was exactly the right thing to say. She was showing empathy, acknowledging that even though she had never faced my experience, she understood that it was very difficult.

It’s important to break your silence and acknowledge the loss. Communicate that you are sorry for their loss and, if appropriate, give them a hug, take their hand, or touch their arm. Also important: listening. Listeners are what mourners need most because it’s through telling our story that we begin to make sense of our loss. Listening supportively isn’t always easy, but it’s the best thing you can do for someone coping with the loss of a loved one.

So how can we listen more effectively with friends and family?

• Remember that to listen well, we need to be silent.
• Make time to visit in person or chat on the telephone. 
• Open with, “I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to see how you are doing today.” 
• Listen intently, facing the speaker and making eye contact. Keep a neutral expression. 
• Encourage the conversation by nodding and acknowledging their feelings (“I can understand” or “That must be hard”) 
• End the conversation by saying, “Let’s talk again soon.” 

The more you listen, the easier it becomes. And someday, you will need others to listen to you too.
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​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Do you need to acknowledge the caring gestures of flowers, donations, and meals following a death? And what do you do if these thoughtful acts were done in memory of a family member and you don’t know the donors?

Here are some guidelines for writing condolence thank you notes:

1. It is very thoughtful to thank individuals for their kindness following a loss. Sympathy thank you notes are very personal and what you say depends on how you feel about writing the notes.

2. The bereaved often create a template and use the same format for all notes, modifying as appropriate.

3. Some bereaved find that writing notes is an outlet for their grief and feel it’s therapeutic. Others find it terribly painful and are not up to the task. Mourning is not a time for guilt so either way is acceptable.

4. Notes can be simple, for example: "Thank you so much for the flowers in Sally’s memory. It was a very thoughtful way to remember her. Your kindness is appreciated." You can add: "Your caring gesture was helpful during this difficult time."

5. If you want to write more personal notes to friends, neighbors, or colleagues you can certainly let them know your loved one mentioned them many times and their friendship meant so much. Or, if individuals shared stories in their notes, you can let them know how much their note and thoughts of your loved one meant to you. Whatever strategy you take is fine; the most important thing is that you’re acknowledging others' kindnesses. And you are doing it for your loved one.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.