Here we are in the midst of the pandemic. In "normal" times, it is easy for us to become overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, and stress when faced with life’s difficulties, whether illness, death, or a personal crisis: This is not a normal time.

Most of us intuitively know it’s important to be supportive during troubling times, and yet it can be challenging despite our best efforts. Our friends, neighbors, loved ones, colleagues, and community members are facing a myriad of issues from health, unemployment, financial to mental health. You might reach out to them and get a response,  and other times, no response. 

When someone is facing a daily crisis, they often do not have time or energy to answer queries. But that doesn’t mean that your emails, phone calls, or text messages are not appreciated. In fact, it’s possible your outreach helps them pull themselves together to face another hour or make it through the day.

At one time I faced a crisis. Friends and family were eager to keep in touch, and I was too overwhelmed to talk or return messages. I asked everyone to text me, and that way my phone alerted me to messages and the message remained on my screen until I opened my phone. I got text messages in the morning that asked how the evening before went and text messages before bed that queried how the day had gone. Each message made me feel less isolated, kept me connected, and helped me cope. This is a helpful approach that is not intrusive. Periodically send text messages that say: “Thinking of you,” “Miss you,” or “I'm here for you.” Don't expect a response and you won't be disappointed when you don’t get one. Your ultimate goal is to be supportive.

A friend took a different tact when her mom faced terminal cancer. She sought indirect support by updating everyone through Facebook posts. While many people are uncomfortable putting such personal details on social media, some find solace, as did my friend. Her Facebook friends who were uncomfortable with public posting reached her privately through Facebook Messenger. The many heartwarming responses comforted my friend, and when her mom died, the online community continued to rally around her.
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We have many forms of communications that make it easy and less intrusive to reach others. Continue to seek out ways to stay in touch during difficult times as your efforts truly show you care.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

When illness, death, or another of life’s crises strikes, most of us crave normalcy; we want to once again feel in charge of our lives. What do you do when life feels like it is spinning out of control?

My family knows that in times of difficulty one of the first things I do is load the washing machine. The very act of washing the clothes, folding them, and placing clean laundry in drawers and closets brings a sense of order to my life. But I don’t stop with the laundry. Dishes are quickly washed and dried or placed in the dishwasher, newspapers make their way into the recycling bin, and the purr of the shredder can be heard. If life is out of control, I will do whatever I can to pull it back. And when the house is orderly, I feel greater strength to address what has spurred all this action. It is easier for me to draft the to do lists, make phone calls, set up appointments, and take action in my now more controlled environment. And these actions are just the beginning of my coping strategy and adaptive routine.

Everyone faces difficulties in their own way. How can you feel more in control when your life isn’t?
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1. Ask for help
   Friends, neighbors, and congregants are eager to help but they need to know how and that’s where you come in. Communicate your needs to others whether it is grocery shopping, meals, or transportation support.
2. Delegate
   Your partner, child, sibling, or best friend may not fold the laundry, load the dishwasher, or make the bed the way you prefer but fewer tasks will free you up for the harder stuff. Delegate whatever and whenever you can.
3. Hire helpers
   This may be the time to hire the neighborhood teen to rake the leaves, mow the lawn, or watch the kids to ease your workload and stress level.  
4. Seek support
   Support is everywhere these days. You can find online groups to ask questions and vent frustrations. There is a proliferation of local support groups as well. Check your local newspaper or do an online search.

Whatever your preferences, use the strategies that will help you navigate during these difficult and unsettling periods. 

photo credit: via photopin (license)
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Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

It’s unexpected, unprecedented, and we were caught unprepared. But it’s here and we have to take care of ourselves and our loved ones. In the midst of a global crisis, what can each of us do?
 
For starters, we can listen to our leaders and follow their directions whether it’s a call for total isolation or social distancing. It’s imperative that we each avoid getting sick and infecting others. 
 
Keep yourself up to date. Your local health department and government will issue alerts and updates on their websites and through text, emails, and other social media avenues. Facts and directives are in constant flux so sign yourself up to ensure you’re getting the latest information.
 
Each of us is in a different boat and must decide for ourselves how we will ride out the storm. The media is full of suggestions on how to occupy your time and keep yourself both physically and mentally healthy.

​Here are my thoughts:

1. Join local social media groups, if you use social media, and stay connected to your communities – especially important to avoid isolation. I participate in several Facebook groups, including one for my neighborhood and another for the local food scene. Yesterday, two different neighbors posted their need for toilet paper and paper towels. Neighbors asked for addresses and dropped packages off while others provided online sources for orders. The local food scene promotes restaurants, take out menus, and convenience food stores to encourage purchases to keep our local business establishments humming as well as sources to secure necessary provisions.
2. Use your time to approach the daunting tasks you rarely find time for. For me, it’s a voluminous and somewhat intimidating Grandmother’s Journal for my newborn grandchild. Each day I sit in a pleasant spot and journal one to two pages. As the pandemic progresses, the pages are neatly filled. As a bonus, the memories have prompted interesting conversations with my siblings and, by the time this is over, the journal will be completed.
3. Give of yourself in whatever way you can. Helping others is empowering. There is so much need in our communities as well as nationally and globally. Blood is in short supply so if you can, please donate blood. Make other donations, no matter the size, to food banks and disaster relief agencies to help those less fortunate. Work through local governmental organizations and faith communities to determine other needs in your community.
4. Connect with others. Call, text, email, FaceTime, Zoom are some of the ways to reach out to your family, friends, colleagues and neighbors. One phone call in these dire times can lift the spirits of someone feeling sad and lonely. Check in with your loved ones regularly and look after your neighbors. Frequent and regular contact is so important during a nationwide crisis.
5. Identify those you know who are sick, either from the virus or other ailments. Reach out to them so they know they are not alone. If you can help, please do so, whether it is dropping off some soup or a meal or flowers from your garden in a glass jar; it doesn’t need to be fancy to be thoughtful. 

 
Please know that whatever your circumstances or wherever you are, you are not alone. We are in this together and we are going to get through this. It’s going to take your cooperation and patience, but we can do this!  

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.

Your Facebook feed keeps you informed through the quips, quotes, and photographs that friends post. Most of the news is happy banter, but more and more we learn sad and tragic news from our friends through social media.

When the news of a young adult who died by suicide was posted on Facebook a few years ago, I was surprised. The funeral arrangements followed along with an outpouring of condolences for the family. People were “liking” posts and condolence messages and yet Facebook felt like an impersonal place for such visible grief.

Nowadays, the most universal means of sharing news of a death is through social media. It’s become so commonplace that I purposely check my Facebook feed more regularly to ensure that I don’t miss any difficult losses happening to my friends.

It seems inevitable that our friends, sharing their happy times, would share their sorrows. Last week, another young adult in my community died. The news was shared on Facebook by the bereaved mom. Legions of support quickly surfaced in Facebook feeds. An obituary in the local paper was linked to Facebook and details of the memorial service were disclosed.

Within hours after the funeral, the obituary and eulogies, along with tributes, were appearing on Facebook. Heartfelt condolence messages were posted and so appreciated that they solicited likes. Tributes on BuzzFeed and YouTube continue to appear with no end in sight.

Uncomfortable topic

While death remains an uncomfortable topic, Facebook has come to play an important role in bringing grief into our national conversation. When Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook’s COO, lost her husband, her candid posts on Facebook elicited a wellspring of condolences and further opened the dialogue on death. Mark Zuckerberg, the co-founder and chief executive at Facebook, wrote on Facebook about his experience with miscarriage, and he too shared his grief openly.   

Facebook allows us to memorialize our loved ones through tribute pages, giving friends and family a place to remember and reminisce about the deceased. These open communities help us feel less isolated in our grief. They give us a shared space to post our photos and grieve our losses.

A more current trend is to post photos and memories of our deceased family members and friends on their birthdays and the anniversaries of their deaths. It is a way for our friends to remember their loved ones and elicit support from their social network.  

So how do you, as a Facebook friend, deal with loss? It is perfectly acceptable to express your condolences on Facebook. Feel free to write a comment of support, like another’s post, or share your own memories or photos of the deceased.

If you are uncomfortable talking so publicly about the pain of loss, you can ignore it. Just continue to handle condolences in the more traditional ways. Whatever you choose to do, one thing is for sure, social media is going to continue to define and re-define the ways in which we communicate.

​Copyright ConsumerAffairs.com

A young woman chose to announce her mother’s death on her mom’s Facebook page. She had no other access to her mother’s wide circle of friends and she felt this was the best way to share details for her mother’s funeral. Facebook friends “shared” the funeral plans and the young woman was surprised and comforted at the large turnout at her mom’s funeral.

Whether you like it or not, Facebook has changed the way we interact, communicate, and share information. Much of our lives revolve around social media so it was inevitable that it now plays a major role in death.

Facebook has become integral in how we:

1. Announce a death. 
   While Facebook has not replaced obituaries, it has become a common source of death announcements. By its nature, Facebook communications target friends or acquaintances and through its sharing feature, spreads the word that there has been a death.
2. Communicate funeral information.
   Facebook facilitates communications of funerals, visitations, memorial services, and other mourning rituals. It’s easier to post the information once rather than sending numerous emails or making individual phone calls. Not only can you post this information on your Facebook or loved one’s Facebook page but, you can create a “memorial” event and invite your Facebook friends.
3. Find a place to grieve.
   Facebook allows you to memorialize a deceased member’s Facebook page. This feature creates a space to grieve both individually and collectively. A friend, whose nephew died far away, found his Facebook memorialized page comforting. She viewed the photos and read and re-read the stories about her nephew. She had a pool of fellow grievers who were keenly feeling the same loss.
4. Post condolences.
   When a death announcement appears on Facebook, friends feel an immediate urge to respond and post condolences. This may provide quick comfort to the bereaved but unfortunately, it dampens the initiative to write a sympathy note.  
5. Generate ongoing support.
   A memorialized page, or your own Facebook page, provides a place to share future birthdays and death anniversaries of your loved ones – a continuing opportunity for friends to express their condolences, memories, and share their photos. Facebook has lifted the taboo of mentioning deceased loved ones over a long period of time.

Facebook has made grief and loss a more open part of our culture. And that’s a good thing.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.​​

Image via stock.xchng / blary54

I’m reading a murder mystery and the victim is a male adolescent. A group of parents whose children were friends with the victim meet to console one another. One parent asks, “Has anyone been in touch with his parents?” Other parents respond, “No. What could we possibly say?”

While this might be fiction, the dilemma is not. Many people shy away from the bereaved, or even the sick, because they don’t know what to say. Or, they stay away for fear they’ll say the wrong thing.

If you worry about saying the wrong thing, your fears are justified. Judging from the comments I receive, people frequently say inappropriate things to the sick and bereaved. I sometimes wonder why or how people could possibly say such insensitive things. That is, until I find myself once again in their shoes.

It’s natural to want to console and comfort but this does not come easy when hearing shocking news. And bad news is always shocking because we’re never prepared to hear it. A neighbor’s cancer diagnosis, a baby’s death before birth, a friend’s spouse who dies suddenly, or a loved one requiring emergency surgery. The unexpected can leave me grasping for words. 

So what do I do and what might help you when faced with terribly sad and shocking losses? I stop, I focus, and I think before I speak. If I’m face-to-face, I might extend my hand in comfort or give a hug. I might say, quite truthfully, “I’m so sorry,” with an emphasis on the word “so.” I might ask how I can be of help or offer to do something specific, such as making some calls or sending emails to notify others. Before I say anything else, I give myself the time to absorb and process the news.
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The one thing I find that truly helps is to let someone know I care. And not too long ago, when I needed support, a dear friend did just that. As our conversation came to an end she closed by saying “I love you.” It was just what I needed to hear. Maybe someone you know needs to hear it too.


Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.

It can be hard to know what to say to someone who’s experienced loss, but individuals facing loss need to feel they’re not alone. That’s why it is so important to make personal contact.  

“I don’t know what to say but this must be very hard for you.” Someone said this to me when I was going through a challenging time, and it was exactly the right thing to say. She was showing empathy, acknowledging that even though she had never faced my experience, she understood that it was very difficult.

It’s important to break your silence and acknowledge the loss. Communicate that you are sorry for their loss and, if appropriate, give them a hug, take their hand, or touch their arm. Also important: listening. Listeners are what mourners need most because it’s through telling our story that we begin to make sense of our loss. Listening supportively isn’t always easy, but it’s the best thing you can do for someone coping with the loss of a loved one.

So how can we listen more effectively with friends and family?

• Remember that to listen well, we need to be silent.
• Make time to visit in person or chat on the telephone. 
• Open with, “I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to see how you are doing today.” 
• Listen intently, facing the speaker and making eye contact. Keep a neutral expression. 
• Encourage the conversation by nodding and acknowledging their feelings (“I can understand” or “That must be hard”) 
• End the conversation by saying, “Let’s talk again soon.” 

The more you listen, the easier it becomes. And someday, you will need others to listen to you too.
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​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.