A friend had a neighbor whose 17-year old son died in a car accident. It was a life experience you never forget so around the anniversary of the accident, my friend always thinks of him. Her neighbor has moved away and I asked if she gets in touch with her around her son’s death anniversary. She replied, "I don't because I don’t want to remind her of her loss." I mentioned that her neighbor thinks of her son every day and it would make her feel better to know that someone else is thinking of him too.

In contrast, in the twelve months after her husband died, a neighbor’s daughter did something thoughtful for her mom every month on the date of her dad's death. One month it was a candy bar on her pillow and another month, a scarf on the front seat of her car. When her daughter was out of town, she asked her husband to place a bouquet of flowers on her mom’s dresser. He willingly did so during his lunch break. Her daughter’s thoughtfulness was a bright spot in a very difficult year.

When someone dies, while we’re touched with sadness, many of us quickly pick up the pieces of our lives and get back to our daily routines. Not so for the families who have lost a loved one. So what can we do to honor and remember the loved ones of our family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors?

We can remember them and acknowledge the loss, whether it’s been two years or a decade. It can be as simple as a note, a card, a text message, or even a phone call around the anniversary of the death, letting them know that you're remembering their loved one and you’re thinking of them too. If you have a sweet memory of the deceased or something special that always reminds you of them, share it. It will bring a smile at a time tinged with sadness.

What if you want to do something more tangible? You can make a donation in their memory to their school, a library, a food bank, community nonprofit, or any organization that you feel is appropriate. Ask that an acknowledgement be made to a family member, or, just make a donation in their name because it feels good to honor their memory.

Your thoughtfulness and memories will not make the day or week more painful to family members; they’re already keenly feeling their loss. But your kindness might warm their heart. It helps to know that while their loved one is gone, their lives mattered, and they have not been forgotten.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.​​​​​​​​​

Do you remember when guest books were the bound kind? We were asked to sign them at funeral and memorial services. Our signatures provided a record of attendance and the book became a keepsake for the bereaved.

Guest books have taken on new meaning, not only with online obituaries, but the pandemic prevents us from any in-person  condolences.

When you access an online obituary there is usually a virtual guest book where you can add a message of sympathy and even include photos. An online guest book gives the bereaved instant access to condolences and allows new and old friends, neighbors, classmates, coworkers, community members, acquaintances, and even strangers to reach out to the bereaved.

Online guest books also provide a place for people to come together to mourn public figures. In the past, if you were moved by the death of an actor, newscaster, author or someone else you admired, you had nowhere to express your grief. Now, you can share memories and condolences in the virtual guest book.

How do guest book messages compare to condolence letters? And do you ever write both?

I’ve read guest book entries that are long and heartfelt, as well as short and simple. Guest book messages provide quicker and more direct access to the bereaved. You can sit at your computer or preferred electronic device, compose, then copy and paste. Or, you can type directly on the guest book entry form.

What you say in a guest book message and condolence letter might be similar. I believe more time and thought is given to a handwritten sympathy note than a virtual message. But you can take your time with guest book messages, too. You might write the message, let it sit, and then work on it some more. Given the extra time, you may think of more memories and stories to share.
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Once you’ve posted a message in an online guest book, whether you choose to follow up with a condolence letter depends on your relationship with the deceased and the family. If you do write both, you might choose to send your letter at a later date, and your letter would most likely have a different tone. It just might be more of a “thinking of you” letter with additional thoughts and memories of the deceased.
 
Most messages, whether in a guest book or handwritten note, are sent immediately following a death. While there is no rule of etiquette that a condolence note should follow a guest book entry, sending one would be a thoughtful gesture. Grieving takes place in the weeks and months that follow a death, and contact during this period provides support and comfort to the bereaved.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.​​​​​​​​

Years ago, our book club had a discussion, and it was not about books. One of our members had a friend who was terminally ill. She chose to see only her family and told her friends she was not accepting visitors. Our member shared that this was one of her best friends and she asked, “What can I do?”

One of our members was a social worker. “If this happened to me,” she said, “I would set up a lawn chair outside her house until she would see me.” I take a different view.

When it comes to illness or or our own death, each of us has the right to call the shots. Our personal desires should guide our decisions on who we are going to see and when.

So what can you do when a loved one wants their privacy? You can respect it.

I know how hard this is because  I have faced this same dilemma. You can’t know how a friend or loved one is feeling, physically or mentally, and you have to allow them their privacy. And you should let them spend their remaining days exactly as they wish.

What you can do is keep in touch without intruding. You can send a note or card, an email, flowers, or their favorite comfort food. Leave the door open by communicating that you would love to keep in touch and you would like to support them in any way.

As hard as it may be for you, do what they have asked. That’s one of the best gifts you can give them.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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We’re all familiar with the five stages of grief and we have come to expect that at some point following a death we might feel denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and ultimately, acceptance. So it may be surprising to learn that other feeling might appear that can be downright unexpected and uncomfortable.

1. Relief
   If you have faced relentless worry and anxiety over a family member’s health, illness, treatment, or decline, it may startle you to experience a sense of relief. The relief will be replaced with grief, but for a brief time you may feel free of worry. 
2. Emptiness
   Where once there was a spouse, parent, grandparent, child, colleague, or friend, there is now a void. The role the deceased played in your life is now empty. While we mourn our loss, we may wonder if anyone can ever fill that space.
3. Helplessness
   Most of us rely on someone else to perform a variety of roles in our life. Without that someone we may feel helpless. Who will drive at night, do the taxes, install or fix the technology, do the laundry, or cook. While it might take time, many people are surprised when they rise to the occasion and find they can navigate life by themselves.
4. Fear
   When someone dies there is a fear, “If it happened to them, it can happen to me.” If a family member died at a certain age or from a specific illness it is normal to wonder if we too are in jeopardy when reaching that age.
5. Loneliness
   Loss is lonely. Grief is a solitary experience and because of our intense emotions while we mourn, it can be hard for others to have the patience to stand by and support us. After the initial outpouring of condolences, the phone and even email may become silent.
6. Lost
   When we have a history and have shared a facet of our life with someone it is easy to feel lost without them. No matter what role the deceased played in our life, whether friend, relative, colleague, or neighbor, we are now missing a partner for whom we had a common experience.
7. Disconnected
   If you have lost a parent, grandparent, sibling, or child you might feel disconnected. Family bonds to your heritage may feel severed. If you have lost an older relative it might be up to you to assume the elder family role and this can feel overwhelming and daunting.
8. Responsible
   The death of a loved one can bring so much sorrow. As you see others struggle and possibly falter, you may feel responsible for helping others grieve and this can interfere with your own grief. 

photo credit:author photo 

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Lending an ear might be the kindest thing you can do for someone grieving a loss. A week after my friend’s baby died, her mother-in-law appeared at her door. My friend told her she wasn’t up for a visit, but her mother-in-law assured her she would just sit and keep her company. And that’s what she did. She sat quietly in a chair near my friend. After a while, she fixed them some tea. My friend now relates that this visit was one of the kindest things anyone did after her baby’s death.

When we are mourning the loss of a loved one, we have a myriad of strong emotions; to heal, we need to articulate them. Grief seems to take over our bodies, and our feelings are neither orderly nor coherent. In this state, it’s quite common to repeat ourselves.

What mourners need most are listeners, and it can be hard to find them. We are a society of talkers, and impatient ones at that. When we hear a story the second or third time, we tend to lose patience with the speaker. And yet it’s in telling our story, over and over again, that we begin to make sense of it

So how can we more effectively listen and be present in a conversation with our friends and loved ones so they will open up and share their emotions?

• For starters, acknowledge that listening is a skill and like any other skill it requires practice to become proficient.

• While our nature is to talk, accept that to listen effectively, we need to be silent.

• Make a date to visit in person or chat with the bereaved on the telephone.

• Open the conversation with, “I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to see how you are doing today.”

• Now listen; you can prod the conversation along by nodding if you are in person or encouraging the conversation by acknowledging their feelings with, “I can understand,” or “that must be hard.”

• Listen intently by facing the speaker, leaving your hands in your lap, and making eye contact. Keep a neutral expression as you follow the conversation.

• Bear in mind that listening is the best gift you can give the bereaved.

• End the conversation without awkwardness by saying, “Let’s talk again soon.”
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The more you listen, the easier it becomes. And someday, you will need others to listen to you too.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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It’s hard to know how to help the bereaved so friends and loved ones might think it appropriate to ask the bereaved to call if they need anything. While the sentiment is sincere, asking, “Please call me,” places a burden on someone grieving a loss; someone who can barely muster the energy to get out of bed in the morning.

The bereaved won’t call. Mourners are too drained to take the initiative, don’t know what to ask for, or don’t know what someone is willing to do. And what if the bereaved do take the initiative to call and ask for help? Chances are friends or loved ones won’t be available exactly when assistance is needed. And the last thing someone grieving a loss needs is to ask for help and be turned down.

So how do friends and loved ones reach out and extend the needed support?

1. Offer something that’s comfortable for you to do. Suggest dropping off a dinner on Thursday or Friday and ask, “Which day is best?” One friend makes a point of calling before heading out to the grocery or pharmacy to see if the bereaved has errands that she can run with her own.  

2. Make your offer specific.  For example, communicate which day you have free time and volunteer to come visit, help, or run an errand. One friend made a standing offer of two free hours every Tuesday, helping the bereaved organize the mail and answer correspondence. Another friend stayed in the house and watched the children for a few hours, allowing the bereaved uninterrupted time to handle chores.

3. If doing something anonymous is more comfortable, drop off a gift. Neighbors grieving a loss were appreciative of a dozen bagels left on their doorstep. Another friend was touched to arrive home and find a home-baked banana bread in the mailbox.

The bereaved will need much support in the short- and long-term. Whatever specific help you can extend will be appreciated.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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​So many of our holiday traditions are family-centered, making it painful to face the holidays after a loved one dies. Despite the pain, some people find it comforting to continue the old traditions that they've enjoyed. Since grief in itself is exhausting, it can be too overwhelming to try and build new traditions when mourning a loved one.

How you choose to handle holidays is a highly personal decision. In the first few months or years, you alone know whether it's comfortable or painful to bake the cookies, make that signature dinner, or hold the annual picnic. As time passes, you may find that life in itself has changed and it feels more comfortable to modify or integrate some new and different traditions.

One friend is widowed and lives with her widowed mom. Their holiday celebrations are much smaller now that it’s just the two of them. Rather than cooking a holiday meal, they usually have dinner with friends or go out to eat. An enormous fresh tree was central to their Christmas celebration, but my friend finds it's too difficult to handle alone, so they have a small artificial tree. But they keep the tradition of the Christmas lights, hiring a handyman to put them up.

Another friend was widowed when his two children were teens. He found it helpful that first year to ask his children, "How do you want to do this holiday?" There were holiday traditions that they kept intact because it was just natural to do things they enjoyed. When one child left for college the following year and the family of four became a family of two, life and holidays changed. But the changes felt like a more natural transition. Six years after his wife's death, my friend integrates some of the old traditions into his holidays, just because it feels comfortable.
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Memories may be your best guide to the holidays. Determine what makes you feel good and what makes you feel uncomfortable. But there's a difference between being uncomfortable and being sad. As one friend says, "Some people are so concerned about feeling sad. It's okay to feel sad; you've just lost your loved one."

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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It's Monday and you realize another week has passed and you still haven't written the sympathy note. You have good intentions, but it's too hard and you just keep putting it off. You don’t know the bereaved well and you never met the deceased; and you know nothing about the relationship between the bereaved and the deceased. How can you possibly think of anything that might bring comfort?

The business of grief is a lonely one. It’s something you do all by yourself. You feel so much pain and wonder if you will ever feel “normal” again. While the note writing task might seem daunting, one of the kindest things you can say and do for someone who is grieving a loss is acknowledge the pain and the difficulty in losing someone so very dear.

A handwritten note lets the bereaved know you care and it will lessen their sense of isolation. Acknowledging their grief helps them understand that their pain is an appropriate response to their loss. And it does not really matter if the note arrives one week or thirty after the death. Here are some guidelines:

1. Begin by communicating your sympathy or sadness at their loss.
2. Acknowledge the difficulty in losing a beloved friend or family member.
3. Share that you care and have been thinking of them.
4. Include any common experience that demonstrates that you have an understanding of their loss. Avoid comparisons such as divorce or death of a pet.

​The following is an example of how I recently handled a belated sympathy note to someone I knew, but never met the deceased:
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Dear Jacob,
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I was sorry to hear that your dad had died. It is so difficult to lose a parent and I remember how lonely I felt after my mother’s death. I gravitated to others who had faced a similar loss and their understanding gave me comfort during the long grieving and healing process.

I just wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts. I hope that the memories you have of your dad will bring comfort in the weeks and months ahead.                                                                                                                                                                                                           
My deepest condolences,
 
Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

It’s just that time of year. While everyone is buying their holiday presents, decorating their homes, and planning holiday parties, my friend Beth is caught in her annual slump. It is winter; it might be chilly outside with a hint of snow in the forecast, but Beth has her own emotional barometer. She is getting ready to once again mourn the too-soon death of her beloved father. Despite the abundance of cheer, the winter holidays are always a season of sadness for Beth. It's not just my friend or the time of year, many of us have a season of grief when the death anniversary and birthday of our loved one comes along. So how do we cope?

I have learned that there is no right or wrong way to work through it. Grief is so personal and it’s influenced by our experience and relationships.

As the years pass, you may handle these periods differently. Sometimes keeping busy, not just with work, but with an active social life can help. A focus on being productive so you don't succumb to sadness may give a sense that at least you are moving forward. Often, just living in the present and keeping an eye on the future helps.

I have my seasons, too. No matter how sad, it is essential for me to acknowledge my loved ones. I think of them on their birthdays, feeling my love for them and the gratitude that they were a part of my life. I light a candle for each of them on the anniversary of their death. The candle burns for twenty-four hours and as I move through my day, I glimpse the flame as I pass and it reminds me how their spirit continues to live on within me.

What I have found empowering is the knowledge that while I can’t change what has happened to me, I can control how I manage the experience. I can avoid it by burying myself or getting out of town. Or, I can acknowledge it and allow myself to recognize the gifts that were mine, no matter how fleeting. All of us have that power.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.