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The death of someone close to you can quite literally leave you feeling lost for words. How can you capture the depths of the grief you feel? How can you hope to contain all they meant to you and the love you feel for them in mere words?
 
That is why writing an epitaph for a loved one can feel like an impossible task. It isn’t just your own complex feelings you are trying to chisel into a permanent form. You are writing something that will speak for everyone who knew, loved and admired the deceased. You are trying to say something meaningful about their life, character and legacy in a few short lines while drafting something that will stand for decades, etched in stone for all to scrutinize.
 
It’s no wonder people find it hard to write an epitaph for the headstone or memorial plaque or why so many people turn to the many lists of suitable quotations available online and simply choose one. There is nothing wrong with borrowing well-known lines crafted by great wordsmiths, but the key question is, does it capture what you want to say about your loved one? Is it personal enough?
 
Writing an epitaph for someone you care dearly about and have lost is possibly the hardest thing you’ll ever have to write. Here are some tips for how to approach it.
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1. Take your time
Good writing in any form is never something you should rush. Whether you are writing the words for an epitaph yourself or choosing a relatable quotation, don’t just settle for the first thing you come up with. The last thing you want to do is get that sinking feeling of regret once the words have already been inscribed in stone. Give yourself plenty of time. If you are struggling with what to write, don’t push it. Give yourself space to mull over ideas, jot down a few, read them back and see how they work. Keep coming back to the task with fresh eyes, and only settle for a final version once you are sure.

2.  Get other people involved
Writing an epitaph does not have to be a solitary task. Bouncing ideas off people who also knew and cared for the deceased is strongly recommended for two reasons. One is that we all write better when we share ideas and get feedback and advice from others. It helps us to get out of the dreaded mental cage that is ‘writer’s block’ and means we can confirm or dismiss our own nagging doubts or hunches through another’s assessment. Secondly, an epitaph is a communal experience, something that stands as a memorial to a person in a public place, for everyone to share. People who knew the deceased all have an interest in the best words that will resonate with their both their memories and feelings, a challenging task if you try to go it alone.
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3.  Write for the loved one you have lost
Finally, perhaps the best piece of advice for anyone tackling this difficult task is to start off by thinking, “What would they have wanted?” This might make the complex task more straightforward. If, for example, they had a favorite author, poet, poem, or song then a first step is to consider quoting from that person or piece of work. If they were religious, perhaps a quotation from scripture would be most appropriate.
 
If none of this applies, the next thing is to consider what is most memorable about the person, and what they would want to be remembered for. If they had particularly strong views or values, these could form your subject matter. If they were well known for a passion in life, an area of expertise, or work they dedicated themselves to, that could also be your cue.
 
Whichever approach you choose, perhaps the best guiding criteria is this - sum up, in little more than a couple of lines, the core essence of what that person meant to you, their family and friends, and the difference they made in the world. It’s not easy, but it’s a chance to honor their memory in a powerful and meaningful way.
 
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We live in a multicultural age where many of us have family members from different faiths and nationalities. And yet when someone in our social circle or community dies and they’re from a different culture or faith, we often seem at a loss for what’s appropriate to do. If we ignore the religious and cultural rituals of the bereaved, we run the risk that our thoughtful gesture might cause confusion rather than solace.

For example, a friend was perplexed after his brother died. One of the many cards he received was a Mass card and it came from his brother’s colleague. My friend is Jewish and he didn’t know what a Mass card was and had no idea who to ask.

Unless you are Catholic, you may not know what a Mass card is either. Members of the Catholic faith send Mass cards to let a bereaved family member know their loved one will be remembered and prayed for at a Catholic Mass. Mass cards can be purchased at a local parish but they are sometimes available by phone or online. The sender usually arranges for a date and time for a Mass to be said for the bereaved. While you don’t have to be Catholic for a Mass to be said for you, it is important to think how the bereaved recipient will feel getting a religious offering that is not of their faith. Or, like my friend, have no idea what the sympathy gesture represents.

I can remember how confused I was when attending my first visitation since my faith does not hold visitations nor do we have an open casket. The visitation was for a neighbor and I stood in line at the funeral home with another neighbor. I was able to ask what was expected and she quickly filled me in. When I approached the bereaved spouse, I took my cues. She was receiving visitors with her brother and she introduced me. I knew to express my condolences to them both and acknowledge the open casket to their left. After greeting a few other neighbors, I comfortably left the visitation.

While discussing this topic with another friend, she confided that her husband’s office made a mistake when a Jewish colleague’s spouse died. Not knowing Jewish mourning customs, the office sent flowers. It wasn’t until later that they learned that you do not send flowers when someone of the Jewish faith dies. Those who practice Judaism believe that flowers are for the living. It is more appropriate to honor the deceased by making a donation in their memory.

More information on religious and cultural differences related to funeral and mourning customs can be found in How to Say It® When You Don’t Know What to Say: Illness & Death available at www.wordsthatcomfort.com and in Amazon’s Kindle store.

Images via Wikimedia Commons, Cott 12


Copyright Legacy.com Used with permission

​A friend sent an email with sad news. A young family she socialized with was bereaved. The dad died unexpectedly from a heart attack and she didn’t know what to do. Should she call? And if she did, what should she say?

In troubling times, it can be hard to know what to do. Do you call or respect one’s privacy and give friends time to cope? Do you send an email and offer assistance? And if you do reach out and are rebuffed, do you back off or try again?

It’s always appropriate to reach out and offer assistance, but be specific. Do they need help in picking someone up from the airport, a meal, errands, or someone to stay with the children?

​One of the kindest things you can do for the bereaved is to show up. Offer to visit for a short time. Enter the home, turn your cell phone off, and store your belongings. Then pay attention and listen. You can offer to help, but let your friend guide the way. If it’s a chore or errand, step in. If it’s company they need, sit quietly and be present. Your active presence is what is needed most, right now and in the weeks and months ahead. 

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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​​photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/89165847@N00/16057342786">Teacher and Student 35 Years On</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/">(license)</a>

It happened again in my community. A young man died by suicide. No matter how many times it happens, suicide is a sudden, unexpected, and tragic death that leaves the bereaved and the community badly shaken.

The bereaved not only feel the raw grief of sudden loss, but may wrestle with the question, over and over again, “Wasn’t there something I could have done to prevent this?” As one clergy member shares, “It is as unexplainable as a bolt of lightning; more actually, because we all know how to stay safe during a storm.”

Suicide carries a stigma along with mental illness. It is important to keep in mind that mental illness is a disease; a chronic, cruel, and invisible disease that leaves family members isolated and lonely. 
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What can you do to help? Treat the death and the bereaved with compassion, as you would for any death. Suicide is a cause of death and not a source of shame. Your expressions of grief should mirror those you share for any other death.

What to say:

• “I am so sorry for your loss.”
• “I know this is a rough time for you.”
• “I won’t pretend to know how you feel.”
• “If you would like some company, I am here for you anytime.”
• If you knew the deceased, share a quality you admired, such as, “I will miss Alisson’s smile.”
• When you see them, greet them warmly and tell them, “I’m so glad to see you.”

What not to say:

• Do not try to offer a reason for the suicide. There is no way to pinpoint a trauma or specific moment that caused the deceased to make this decision. 
• Don’t ask for details.
• Avoid judgmental statements, such as “It was a selfish act.”
• Don’t avoid the bereaved for fear of saying the wrong thing.
• Don’t disparage the deceased in any way. As one bereaved stated, “My husband was a good man. He just a bad way to die.”

One of the most important things you can do for anyone experiencing a loss is to listen. The bereaved will need to tell their story over and over again to make sense of it. This is an experience that they may not get over, but in time, their feelings will stabilize. Stay the course; you’ll be glad you did.


Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Image Into Infinity via photopin (license)

I learned to be comfortable with the bereaved because at a young age, I was the bereaved. I witnessed firsthand how young friends, their parents, my neighbors, teachers, school officials, relatives, and family friends treated and interacted with me upon learning of my father's death.

And yet it was my mom who taught me how to comfort the bereaved. She connected by phone, cooked a meal, visited the bereaved, and continued to help long past when others ceased to call. It was her model that I emulated and used to teach my own children: death is a part of life and the bereaved need our support.

Not everyone feels at ease comforting the bereaved. And if you’re not comfortable, how will you teach your child to be comfortable?

One of the ways to instill compassion in your child is to work on a comforting activity together. This is how my neighbor Susan did it.

Susan and her best friend Abby were pregnant at the same time. Susan’s baby, Lisa, was healthy; Abby’s baby, Beth, wasn’t. Beth was born with a disfiguring congenital defect for which there was no cure or repair and her parents were told that she had only months to live.

Susan and her daughter spent a lot of time with Abby and Beth as well as Abby’s older daughter Sara. When Beth died at age two, she had lived much longer than expected. Susan was a gifted writer and she chose to write the story of Beth’s life. She wanted big sister Sara to know that despite Beth’s disfiguring illness, she was much loved and during her short time on earth, her life was meaningful and she made a difference.

While working on the project, Susan shared what she was doing with her daughter Lisa and Lisa colored the illustrations Susan had drawn. Together, Susan and Lisa presented the book to Abby and Sara. Abby has shared that during the five years since Beth’s death Sara continues to get comfort from the book. She shares it with new friends as it is a comfortable way to tell the story of Beth’s short life and death.

Since Beth’s death, Susan has used her writing talents on several occasions. She has written stories and poems for friends and loved ones who are bereaved. Now, Lisa offers to draw the illustrations. She’s learned firsthand from a compassionate mom how to be compassionate too.

​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store

Image: stock.xchng/kslyesmith

Copyright Legacy.com  Used with permission

Many friends and family members announce the death of a loved one on Facebook so that's where I most often learn that there's been a death. In this day and age, social media is the most expedient way to communicate personal news. And yet Facebook death announcements feel so impersonal as do the many condolence posts that friends share.

 I'm no longer a frequent Facebook user so sometimes I learn the news belatedly. I am always on the fence on how to respond to these announcements. If I write on a friend's Facebook wall, will my message sound trivial? If I don't write on a friend's wall, will they think I do not care? The biggest dilemma we each face; do you post a condolence message on Facebook or do you write a traditional condolence note?

I always write a note of sympathy so the decision is not too hard for me.  Having been bereaved myself, I know the healing power of written condolences and I like to think sympathy notes will be re-read and cherished during the period of mourning.

And yet Facebook communication is so tempting because it is immediate. If you write on a friend's wall, they will instantly know that you care. Instead, if you write a sympathy note, they will have to wait a few days until the note arrives.

Is it worth the wait? For me personally, I believe it is. But we are each unique and you will need to decide yourself how you want to console your bereaved friends and loved ones. While Facebook is immediate, the posts are often short and quickly written. Notes with personal messages of condolence take time and are usually well thought out. I believe they are meaningful and well worth the time and effort it takes to write and deliver.

It happens in all of our communities - mass killings at churches, schools, shopping centers, movie theaters, and far too many locations where we used to feel safe. Nothing in life prepares us for the traumatic experience of violent crime. Although violent crime rates have declined slightly in recent years, according to the FBI there has been an increase in active shooter incidents from 17 in 2013 to 20 in both 2014 and 2015.  

Victims of violence and their families and friends experience crisis reactions; the levels of extremes will differ from person to person based on their personal situation at the time of the crime, the impact of the crime, and resulting injuries. As each person is unique, so are victim reactions, responses, and recovery. It is impossible to compare one experience, response, or recovery to another.

How the victim of a crime and their loved ones are treated immediately following the crime can impact their ability to cope and recover. They will need to know what comes next by way of the crime investigation and the resulting criminal justice process.

In times of crisis, friends, acquaintances, and loved ones willingly provide support. But support wanes along with the months, and it is easy to lose patience as time passes. You can play a pivotal role in the recovery process by remaining a presence in their life—no matter how long it takes. As Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”

What to say and do:

• Express sympathy and sorrow for what has happened.
• Anyone who has lost a loved one to a violent crime will need your caring patience. It takes a long time to heal, and they will need your support during the process.
• Anger is a natural response to a violent crime. Listen with patience; the victim of crime is not looking for answers but an opportunity to vent their anger.
• Recognize that they will grieve in their own way.
• Do communicate your willingness to support the victim of crime in whatever ways you can. Individuals who have someone to lean on increase their chances of healing from the trauma.
• Offer to help with basic necessities—grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, food preparation, child care, and carpooling—as they might find it impossible to resume their normal housekeeping and caregiver tasks.
• Encourage them to participate in the judicial process to restore a sense of control.
• Offer to listen. The individual will need to tell their story over and over again to process what has happened.
• Allow them to grieve in their own way.
• Encourage them to express their grief and sorrow for as long as they need.
• Do continue to keep in touch with them and remember them during significant dates and difficult periods, such as the anniversary of the crime, a birthday, or holidays.

Suggestions on what to say:

• I am here for you when you need me.
• I care about you and will support you however you might need me.
• I have never experienced this before; please let me know how I can help you.
• I will always be your friend; nothing can change that.
• I will miss him (her), too.
• I’d like to help in any way I can.
• It’s not your fault.
• This was a terrible crime, and I am sorry it happened to you.
• What you are feeling is normal.
• You can talk to me at any time.
• You did the best you could.
• You were in no way to blame for what happened.

Adapted from How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say© by Robbie Miller Kaplan. All rights reserved.

Two of my friends are good listeners; one says it’s because she’s the middle child and the other because she’s the eldest. Well, I’m a good listener too, and I’m the youngest. So there goes the birth order theory. 

​So what makes a good listener?

​Most important, the best listeners possess a willingness to keep quiet while someone else speaks. But it’s not just listening that’s important; it’s being attentive and present. In this era of multi-tasking, it’s hard to concentrate on just one thing and keep your hands still. And it's crucial to disconnect yourself from technology.

If you’re going to listen, you must pay attention to what is said, making nonverbal gestures as well as verbal acknowledgements so the speaker understands that you’re following while encouraging the conversation. It's okay to nod while the speaker speaks and it's helpful to repeat back what is said so the speaker knows you are listening and feels validated.

Listening is not an innate ability, it’s a skill. And like any skill, it takes lots of practice to perfect. So why not start? Choose a coffee or lunch date and ask, “How are you doing?” Then make a point to listen. Ask questions that encourage conversation and focus your attention on the other person. Hopefully, it feels good to be a listener and you’ll try it again – soon.

A young woman eight months pregnant gave birth to a stillborn baby. Overcome with grief, she asked her supervisor to share the news with her colleagues by e-mail so she would not have to individually tell her devastating news. It seemed a simple request, but when she returned to work, she learned her supervisor did not notify her colleagues and they were each stunned when she painfully shared the news. Not knowing what to say or do, they avoided her and she felt shunned and alone in her grief. After a few months, she quit her job and left the company.

Afraid to say the wrong thing, many people stay away following a death. But it is important to understand how our actions, or lack of action, impact the loss that friends, family members, colleagues, and community members are experiencing. 

Here's what you should not do:

• Do not stay away; death is isolating and when you stay away, it will make the bereaved feel even more alone.

• Do not avoid returning phone calls from the bereaved.

• Do not refuse the bereaved when you are asked to help.

• Do not disregard family wishes for donations and make them instead to your pet cause.

• Do not avoid communicating the difficult news of the death, placing the burden on the bereaved.

• Do not ask the bereaved to do something for you when they can barely take care of themselves.

• Do not ask the bereaved for details.

• Do not ask for a possession of the deceased or ask for something back that you had given them.

• Do not pay a visit and expect to be fed or entertained.

• Do not expect the bereaved to reciprocate your kindness – this is one of those occasions that when they are able, they will pay it forward.