Many friends and family members announce the death of a loved one on Facebook so that's where I most often learn that there's been a death. In this day and age, social media is the most expedient way to communicate personal news. And yet Facebook death announcements feel so impersonal as do the many condolence posts that friends share.

 I'm no longer a frequent Facebook user so sometimes I learn the news belatedly. I am always on the fence on how to respond to these announcements. If I write on a friend's Facebook wall, will my message sound trivial? If I don't write on a friend's wall, will they think I do not care? The biggest dilemma we each face; do you post a condolence message on Facebook or do you write a traditional condolence note?

I always write a note of sympathy so the decision is not too hard for me.  Having been bereaved myself, I know the healing power of written condolences and I like to think sympathy notes will be re-read and cherished during the period of mourning.

And yet Facebook communication is so tempting because it is immediate. If you write on a friend's wall, they will instantly know that you care. Instead, if you write a sympathy note, they will have to wait a few days until the note arrives.

Is it worth the wait? For me personally, I believe it is. But we are each unique and you will need to decide yourself how you want to console your bereaved friends and loved ones. While Facebook is immediate, the posts are often short and quickly written. Notes with personal messages of condolence take time and are usually well thought out. I believe they are meaningful and well worth the time and effort it takes to write and deliver.

It happens in all of our communities - mass killings at churches, schools, shopping centers, movie theaters, and far too many locations where we used to feel safe. Nothing in life prepares us for the traumatic experience of violent crime. Although violent crime rates have declined slightly in recent years, according to the FBI there has been an increase in active shooter incidents from 17 in 2013 to 20 in both 2014 and 2015.  

Victims of violence and their families and friends experience crisis reactions; the levels of extremes will differ from person to person based on their personal situation at the time of the crime, the impact of the crime, and resulting injuries. As each person is unique, so are victim reactions, responses, and recovery. It is impossible to compare one experience, response, or recovery to another.

How the victim of a crime and their loved ones are treated immediately following the crime can impact their ability to cope and recover. They will need to know what comes next by way of the crime investigation and the resulting criminal justice process.

In times of crisis, friends, acquaintances, and loved ones willingly provide support. But support wanes along with the months, and it is easy to lose patience as time passes. You can play a pivotal role in the recovery process by remaining a presence in their life—no matter how long it takes. As Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”

What to say and do:

• Express sympathy and sorrow for what has happened.
• Anyone who has lost a loved one to a violent crime will need your caring patience. It takes a long time to heal, and they will need your support during the process.
• Anger is a natural response to a violent crime. Listen with patience; the victim of crime is not looking for answers but an opportunity to vent their anger.
• Recognize that they will grieve in their own way.
• Do communicate your willingness to support the victim of crime in whatever ways you can. Individuals who have someone to lean on increase their chances of healing from the trauma.
• Offer to help with basic necessities—grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, food preparation, child care, and carpooling—as they might find it impossible to resume their normal housekeeping and caregiver tasks.
• Encourage them to participate in the judicial process to restore a sense of control.
• Offer to listen. The individual will need to tell their story over and over again to process what has happened.
• Allow them to grieve in their own way.
• Encourage them to express their grief and sorrow for as long as they need.
• Do continue to keep in touch with them and remember them during significant dates and difficult periods, such as the anniversary of the crime, a birthday, or holidays.

Suggestions on what to say:

• I am here for you when you need me.
• I care about you and will support you however you might need me.
• I have never experienced this before; please let me know how I can help you.
• I will always be your friend; nothing can change that.
• I will miss him (her), too.
• I’d like to help in any way I can.
• It’s not your fault.
• This was a terrible crime, and I am sorry it happened to you.
• What you are feeling is normal.
• You can talk to me at any time.
• You did the best you could.
• You were in no way to blame for what happened.

Adapted from How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say© by Robbie Miller Kaplan. All rights reserved.

Two of my friends are good listeners; one says it’s because she’s the middle child and the other because she’s the eldest. Well, I’m a good listener too, and I’m the youngest. So there goes the birth order theory. 

​So what makes a good listener?

​Most important, the best listeners possess a willingness to keep quiet while someone else speaks. But it’s not just listening that’s important; it’s being attentive and present. In this era of multi-tasking, it’s hard to concentrate on just one thing and keep your hands still. And it's crucial to disconnect yourself from technology.

If you’re going to listen, you must pay attention to what is said, making nonverbal gestures as well as verbal acknowledgements so the speaker understands that you’re following while encouraging the conversation. It's okay to nod while the speaker speaks and it's helpful to repeat back what is said so the speaker knows you are listening and feels validated.

Listening is not an innate ability, it’s a skill. And like any skill, it takes lots of practice to perfect. So why not start? Choose a coffee or lunch date and ask, “How are you doing?” Then make a point to listen. Ask questions that encourage conversation and focus your attention on the other person. Hopefully, it feels good to be a listener and you’ll try it again – soon.

A young woman eight months pregnant gave birth to a stillborn baby. Overcome with grief, she asked her supervisor to share the news with her colleagues by e-mail so she would not have to individually tell her devastating news. It seemed a simple request, but when she returned to work, she learned her supervisor did not notify her colleagues and they were each stunned when she painfully shared the news. Not knowing what to say or do, they avoided her and she felt shunned and alone in her grief. After a few months, she quit her job and left the company.

Afraid to say the wrong thing, many people stay away following a death. But it is important to understand how our actions, or lack of action, impact the loss that friends, family members, colleagues, and community members are experiencing. 

Here's what you should not do:

• Do not stay away; death is isolating and when you stay away, it will make the bereaved feel even more alone.

• Do not avoid returning phone calls from the bereaved.

• Do not refuse the bereaved when you are asked to help.

• Do not disregard family wishes for donations and make them instead to your pet cause.

• Do not avoid communicating the difficult news of the death, placing the burden on the bereaved.

• Do not ask the bereaved to do something for you when they can barely take care of themselves.

• Do not ask the bereaved for details.

• Do not ask for a possession of the deceased or ask for something back that you had given them.

• Do not pay a visit and expect to be fed or entertained.

• Do not expect the bereaved to reciprocate your kindness – this is one of those occasions that when they are able, they will pay it forward.

​Most people would like some help when it's  time to write a sympathy note. As one friend puts it, "It’s very difficult to figure out what to say to someone experiencing such deep sorrow."

The bereaved do appreciate the caring sentiment these notes convey and they play an essential role in communicating our condolences. While it’s important to craft a comforting message, it feels as if there is too much emphasis placed on a written note rather than the personal extension of condolences and support extended to the bereaved.

Many bereaved share how touched they are by notes and personal remembrances from friends, loved ones, neighbors, and colleagues. These messages are often savored, read, and re-read during the period of mourning. But the bereaved also share that the most meaningful expressions of sympathy are often verbal and face-to-face communications in the weeks and months following a death. This is a sad and often lonely period when physical presence is often scarce.

So instead of placing so much importance on a sympathy note, let’s focus our attention on being present in the life of the bereaved, well past the early weeks following a loved one’s death. Do write a meaningful note, sign an online guest book, and post on a Facebook page, sharing your stories and old photos that make the deceased present once again to those who loved and cherished them. But don’t stop there. Send a “thinking of you” card, a personal note, an email message, a text, or a Facebook poke. Phone to check in and see how they are doing. Suggest a date for a walk, coffee, a visit, or a meal. Invite them to join you for a movie, religious service, shopping, dinner at your home, or some time out. Offer to pick them up if you feel they are too housebound or they seem to be having difficulty moving forward.

Caring condolence notes are a great start, but once they’re mailed, your job isn’t done. Let your thoughtfulness extend beyond the written word and your kindness will make a profound difference.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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Adapted from legacy.com All rights reserved.

My friend’s dad died several years ago but she thinks of him often; his golf hat and golf clubs are a constant reminder. She stores them where they’re visible and she smiles when she walks by. A cousin wore his dad’s coat the first winter following his father’s death and a friend found great comfort using her mom’s handbag while she grieved her loss.

These stories made me think of my grandma. She was constantly in the kitchen and she always wore an apron. I wear an apron too and every time my hands reach behind my back to tie the bow, I think of my grandma. And I’ve continued her legacy by giving every family member an apron.

These tangible reminders are what keep our loved ones close and a continued part of our lives.

I was reminded of this when we recently celebrated my daughter’s birthday at a restaurant. All grown up, I was surprised she wanted us to sing the family birthday song. The song dates back to my mom’s camping days. She made it a part of our family’s celebrations and I’ve passed it on to mine. My husband, daughter, and I tried to sing quietly, clinking our glasses on cue. I thought how special it was that my mother’s legacy is still very much a part of our lives and I have every confidence that my daughter will pass it on to another generation.

Here are some ways to keep your memories alive, not just for you but for generations to come:

1. Display photographs where you can see them often. And use them as a springboard for telling stories to family members and friends.

2. Prepare and integrate family recipes into your daily life and holidays and let everyone know their origin.

3. Offer copies of your loved one’s recipes. When I share a recipe from my mom, I always put her name in the recipe title and it gives me added pleasure. And I have recipes in my personal cookbook that bear the name of my friends’ loved ones.

4. Use a family heirloom, such as a serving piece, at holiday gatherings, reminding your family of its history and all the occasions it’s served.

5. Pass on family heirlooms to family members who will use and treasure both the item and the memory.

6. Tell stories and tell them often. Your personal stories will become part of your family’s history.

7. Copy documents, such as passports, naturalization papers, letters, marriage, and death certificates. Distribute them to other family members to preserve and cherish your loved ones.

8. Document personal history and memories, creating and preserving your family's story, to be passed down to generations to come.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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There is no way around it: Grief is painful. It’s hard to experience it yourself and it’s terribly difficult to watch someone you love go through it. But what’s the alternative? 

You can try to medicate your grief, but at some point you have to stop and the pain comes rushing back. Distractions do help, but if you are not grieving your loss, eventually distractions end and you are once again left with the pain. 

So what does work?

It's important to allow yourself to fully mourn your loss so you can ultimately accept it and move on with your life. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t begin to re-enter during the mourning process. In fact, making your way back into the world goes a long way in helping you work through your grief.

Patience and purpose are helpful healers. Activities and deeds, such as work, hobbies, interests, and volunteering are excellent ways to distract while helping the mind refocus. And when you’re in a place where it’s difficult to feel joy, there is satisfaction in accomplishing tasks and joy in helping others.

Transitions are never easy and this is a tough one to make.  Everyone works through grief in their own way and in their own time, so cut yourself or your loved one some slack and go with what works.


Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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What makes a sympathy note memorable? How do you elevate a note of condolence from an acknowledgment of sympathy to one that comforts the bereaved?

I find that people struggle to find the right words to write a truly appropriate condolence message. But it's not your mastery with words that's important; what are truly memorable are messages that come from your heart.

In the weeks following my mom's death, I received many condolence notes that truly brought me comfort. I thought I'd share some of the qualities that made these messages special.

1. Memories are all we have left when a loved one dies and it's wonderful to hear someone else's perspective of our loved one. One friend shared: "Your mom was always so fun to speak with. Many from her generation tell the same stories over and over but your mom had so many interests and travels, I loved to visit with her."

2. It can be insightful to hear how others viewed your family member. My cousin shared: "I always thought it must have been so much fun growing up in your family. You always seemed to be such an active and involved bunch. I can only imagine what a great teacher your mom must have been because she had such a keen interest in so many things."

3. A friend made me feel better for feeling so bad. She shared: "It is always difficult to lose your mom, no matter what your age."

4. And someone from my book club who was not an intimate truly touched my heart when she referred to my mom as "Your dear mother."

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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