Do you remember when guest books were the bound kind? We were asked to sign them at funeral and memorial services. Our signatures provided a record of attendance and the book became a keepsake for the bereaved.

Guest books have taken on new meaning, not only with online obituaries, but the pandemic prevents us from any in-person  condolences.

When you access an online obituary there is usually a virtual guest book where you can add a message of sympathy and even include photos. An online guest book gives the bereaved instant access to condolences and allows new and old friends, neighbors, classmates, coworkers, community members, acquaintances, and even strangers to reach out to the bereaved.

Online guest books also provide a place for people to come together to mourn public figures. In the past, if you were moved by the death of an actor, newscaster, author or someone else you admired, you had nowhere to express your grief. Now, you can share memories and condolences in the virtual guest book.

How do guest book messages compare to condolence letters? And do you ever write both?

I’ve read guest book entries that are long and heartfelt, as well as short and simple. Guest book messages provide quicker and more direct access to the bereaved. You can sit at your computer or preferred electronic device, compose, then copy and paste. Or, you can type directly on the guest book entry form.

What you say in a guest book message and condolence letter might be similar. I believe more time and thought is given to a handwritten sympathy note than a virtual message. But you can take your time with guest book messages, too. You might write the message, let it sit, and then work on it some more. Given the extra time, you may think of more memories and stories to share.
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Once you’ve posted a message in an online guest book, whether you choose to follow up with a condolence letter depends on your relationship with the deceased and the family. If you do write both, you might choose to send your letter at a later date, and your letter would most likely have a different tone. It just might be more of a “thinking of you” letter with additional thoughts and memories of the deceased.
 
Most messages, whether in a guest book or handwritten note, are sent immediately following a death. While there is no rule of etiquette that a condolence note should follow a guest book entry, sending one would be a thoughtful gesture. Grieving takes place in the weeks and months that follow a death, and contact during this period provides support and comfort to the bereaved.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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A friend of mine had a neighbor whose son died in an accident. It was a life experience you never forget. So around the anniversary of the accident, my friend always thinks of him. Her neighbor has moved away and I asked if she gets in touch with her around her son’s anniversary. She replied, "I don't because I doesn’t want to remind her of her loss." I mentioned that her neighbor thinks of her son every day and it would make her feel better to know that someone else is thinking of him too.

In contrast, in the twelve months after her husband died, a neighbor’s daughter did something thoughtful for her mom every month on the date of her dad's death. One month it was a candy bar on her pillow and another month, a scarf on the front seat of her car. When her daughter was out of town, she asked her husband to place a bouquet of flowers on her mom’s dresser. He willingly did so during his lunch break. Her daughter’s thoughtfulness was a bright spot in a very difficult year.

When someone dies, while we’re touched with sadness, many of us quickly pick up the pieces of our lives and get back to our daily routines. Not so for the families who have lost a loved one. So what can we do to honor and remember the loved ones of our family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors?

We can remember them and acknowledge the loss, whether it’s been two years or a decade. It can be as simple as a note, a card, a text message, or even a phone call around the anniversary of the death, letting them know that you're remembering their loved one and you’re thinking of them too. If you have a sweet memory of the deceased or something special that always reminds you of them, share it. It will bring a smile at a time tinged with sadness.

What if you want to do something more tangible? You can make a donation in their memory to their school, a library, a food bank, community nonprofit, or any organization that you feel is appropriate. Ask that an acknowledgement be made to a family member, or, just make a donation in their name because it feels good to honor their memory.

Your thoughtfulness and memories will not make the day or week more painful to family members; they’re already keenly feeling their loss. But your kindness might warm their heart. It helps to know that while their loved one is gone, their lives mattered, and they have not been forgotten.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

The son of a public figure had lunch with several of his father’s former colleagues following his dad’s death. The stories they told painted a vivid picture of a father he did not know. He was so grateful to better understand his dad that it motivated him to seek out even more stories from other sources.

When a loved one dies, it feels so final, as if our relationship with them has ceased. And yet many people find that despite death, they continue to learn a great deal about their deceased loved one through the stories that friends, family, classmates, former neighbors, and frequently their colleagues share.

One widow was deeply touched by the stories from her beloved husband’s workplace. Her deceased husband was a journalist and his colleagues disclosed many newsroom stories she had never heard. With her husband gone, it meant a great deal to her to understand the pace and pulse of his place of work.

What stories do you have to share? Sympathy notes and messages of condolence have greater meaning when they reflect on personal experiences with the deceased. It can be anything; a joke, a conversation, a collaborative work project, or a mutual encounter. Maybe it was manning the barbecue together at a neighborhood event when you almost burned the burgers or volunteering at the high school track meet when you forgot to start the stopwatch. Something compassionate or serious works too; the day a friend or neighbor came to your rescue, babysitting during an emergency or pushing your car out of a snowbank.

I recently attended a dinner to honor a dear friend who died many years ago. Her daughter chose to spend the tenth anniversary surrounded by her mother’s friends. She wanted to hear our stories, so each of us stood and shared how we met her mom and reminisced about the ensuing friendship. We all learned a lot; our dear friend had such a positive and lasting influence on so many people. Her daughter was left with fresh memories and insights and even photographs she had never seen.

Our stories keep loved ones alive. So let’s keep them coming.


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Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Ying & Yang photo via photopin (license)

Chrissy Teigen openly shared the heartbreaking news of her miscarriage. It is an experience not often shared publicly, with bereaved moms often unsupported and grieving deeply by themselves.

Women who miscarry report that they’re frequently the target of callous and hurtful comments that dismiss or trivialize their loss. While the list of offenders includes friends, colleagues, and medical professionals, the worst culprits might surprise you; often family members, especially their own moms, mothers-in-law, sisters, and sisters-in-law.

One mom reported that most of her family members said hurtful things,  but one knew exactly what to do – listen. Her sister sat with her while she cried, listening carefully while she shared her feelings and pain. When she was finished, her sister repeated back to her what she’d said. In doing so, her sister communicated that she was listening and understood how the mom was feeling.

Here’s a list of what you should NEVER say after a miscarriage:

• It happened for a reason.

• There was probably something wrong with your baby.

• It's God's will.

• It was for the best.

• Now you have your own angel.

• At least you didn’t know the baby.

• You can try again.

• You can always have another.

• You already have two healthy kids.

• Be grateful for the children you have.

• I can imagine how you feel.

So what can you say? Be honest: “I’m so shocked, I just don’t know what to say” or “I know how much you wanted this baby and I’m so sorry.” Comfort them with: “I’m praying that your dreams will come true” or “You're going to be wonderful parents someday." Assure them: “I’m here for you” and make good on your promise. Extend a sincere offer: “What can I do to help?” and follow through on it.

It’s important to remember that a miscarriage is a death and should be treated as such. The mom and dad feel as awful as anyone feels following a death. It will take them awhile to recover and move on with their lives. Be patient with them. And watch what you say.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.

When friends and loved face difficult times we offer support. But what happens when you live far away? Do you explore alternative ways to extend support or tell them, “I wish I lived closer so I could be supportive.”  

There’s much you can do to show support from afar, and you can still make a difference in helping friends and loved ones deal with illness and loss. What you choose to do depends on your willingness to be involved and the needs or desires of your loved one.

Here are some ideas of what’s worked for others:

1. Take your cues on telephone calls as they might disturb both privacy and routines. Ask, “Is it okay if I call on Sunday? What would be a good time?” And then make sure you do call so they’re not waiting and disappointed.

2. If it’s okay to call, you might choose a day of the week and a specific time, checking in weekly to let them know they are in your thoughts.

3. If they prefer you not call, use email or text messages as a way to communicate. It’s not intrusive and it allows the recipient to read and respond at their leisure. And it also lets them know they’re not forgotten.

4. Ask if there’s something specific you can do to help; you can conduct online research or ask for a contact list so you can call others with updates.

5. Mail a package of goodies every other week or once a month. You can get a small, flat rate box from the postal service and fill it with homemade or store bought cookies or treats. 

6. Ask if there is a favorite take-out food outlet or use an app to locate nearby restaurants that deliver. Buy a gift card for a dinner; its one less night they have to worry about a meal.

7. There are a. multitude of web-based businesses that ship every conceivable type of food or meals. You can order a dinner or brunch, gift baskets, breads, fruits, and pretty much anything else you can imagine. 

8. Many websites offer online gift cards that they will send by email, allowing your recipient to select items themselves they would enjoy or would be helpful.

You are only limited by your imagination. The effort you make will mean so much to someone feeling so alone. And you’ll feel good in the process.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store
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Despite medical breakthroughs and longer life expectancy, many diagnoses are still frightening. And it can be hard to know how to communicate with a patient and their loved ones. That’s what happened to a friend. Her best friend’s mom was diagnosed and treated for cancer. Things were on an even keel and then the cancer came back. The best friend isn’t willing to discuss it and my friend wonders what’s appropriate to say or do for the mom? When you don’t know how things stand and someone isn’t open to discussing it, what are your options?

A personal note is a kind and nonintrusive way to let someone know you care. It gives you the ability to reach out and allows the patient the opportunity to decide whether they want to pursue any further contact. Whatever the outcome, you’ve delivered your message.

So what do you say to someone dealing with a difficult illness? You say you care, for example:

Dear Mrs. Peters,

I’ve thought of you often these last few months. I haven’t wanted to intrude, but wanted you to know how much I care for you. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope for the very best outcome.

With much warmth,

Cindy

​​Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store
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My grandma died at 97 and I was heartbroken. It was partially because she helped raise me and I adored her, but it was also unexpected.

“Unexpected?” you might say, and some people did. But she did not die at an age that was the norm for her generation. She had outlived so many peers and younger relatives, I was sure she would live to be 100, and I was disappointed that she did not.

What difference should it make how old someone is when they die? Shouldn’t we extend to the bereaved the same sympathy and level of support, no matter how old or young the deceased?

In retrospect, I did not get much sympathy when my grandma died. One colleague said upon hearing of her death and her age, “Didn’t you expect her to die Robbie?”

Just because someone has lived a long life, does that mean the loss is any less painful? No matter how old someone is when they die, the bereaved deserve the same consideration you would extend to anyone who has lost a loved one. Age doesn’t diminish the pain of loss and the mourning process is still the same.

​Photo courtesy of author

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store
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My mother was a wise woman and a wonderful teacher. While we shared a lifetime of learning, it was not until her death that I realized she forgot one important lesson: She never told me how to live without her.

I’m not alone. Even though the death of a parent is the natural order of things, everyone I know has struggled with the death of a parent. Whether the relationship is a good one or bad, we never seem to be ready to lose them, no matter their age or ours.
 
It was the death of my dearest friend that spurred me to begin thinking of my own death. At the cemetery following my friend’s funeral my daughters asked, “Is this the cemetery where you would like to be buried?” As my husband and I had not had this discussion, it was a good place to start. We chose to respond to our daughters by asking them what they wanted. “Will you visit a grave site?” we asked, and “Do you want us buried in a place where you can come and grieve?”

In the following weeks, I began to explore funeral and burial options and ask myself the hard questions. For instance: What kind of life do I want my children to have when I am no longer with them? I knew that I do not want my children to feel as lost as I did when my own mother died.  

And so, my family began a series of discussions on a topic that one daughter calls, “The sad stuff.” Whatever it might be called, I am undeterred. There are decisions to be made on cremation services, niches versus cemetery plots, and the merits of a variety of burial/funeral fees. Our talks gravitate towards my wishes should my spouse survive me to thoughts and feelings about a range of topics. I want my daughters to understand and embrace that life should be lived without regret. And to accept that the world will continue and so will they, even when I am no longer by their side.
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There never is a good time to talk about death and yet I have seen the chaotic aftermath when the topic is avoided and feelings are left unsaid. I have chosen a different route for my family. My children now know how I feel and they will not be left with a burden of decisions to ponder when I am gone. It’s also freed up my mind to better embrace and enjoy the rest of my life.  


Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store

Photo AnaRusso via photopin

Copyright www.legacy.com  Used with permission

Lending an ear might be the kindest thing you can do for someone grieving a loss. A week after my friend’s baby died, her mother-in-law appeared at her door. My friend told her she wasn’t up for a visit, but her mother-in-law assured her she would just sit and keep her company. And that’s what she did. She sat quietly in a chair near my friend. After a while, she fixed them some tea. My friend now relates that this visit was one of the kindest things anyone did after her baby’s death.

When we are mourning the loss of a loved one, we have a myriad of strong emotions; to heal, we need to articulate them. Grief seems to take over our bodies, and our feelings are neither orderly nor coherent. In this state, it’s quite common to repeat ourselves.

What mourners need most are listeners, and it can be hard to find them. We are a society of talkers, and impatient ones at that. When we hear a story the second or third time, we tend to lose patience with the speaker. And yet it’s in telling our story, over and over again, that we begin to make sense of it

So how can we more effectively listen and be present in a conversation with our friends and loved ones so they will open up and share their emotions?

• For starters, acknowledge that listening is a skill and like any other skill it requires practice to become proficient.

• While our nature is to talk, accept that to listen effectively, we need to be silent.

• Make a date to visit in person or chat with the bereaved on the telephone.

• Open the conversation with, “I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to see how you are doing today.”

• Now listen; you can prod the conversation along by nodding if you are in person or encouraging the conversation by acknowledging their feelings with, “I can understand,” or “that must be hard.”

• Listen intently by facing the speaker, leaving your hands in your lap, and making eye contact. Keep a neutral expression as you follow the conversation.

• Bear in mind that listening is the best gift you can give the bereaved.

• End the conversation without awkwardness by saying, “Let’s talk again soon.”
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The more you listen, the easier it becomes. And someday, you will need others to listen to you too.  

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don’t Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for “Illness & Death,” “Suicide,” “Miscarriage,” “Death of a Child,” “Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby,” “Pet Loss,” “Caregiver Responsibilities,” “Divorce” and “Job Loss.” All titles are in Amazon’s Kindle Store.

Adapted from legacy.com