Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
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How do we handle life’s happy moments after the death of someone we love? Life doesn’t stop with the death of a loved one. The seasons pass and holidays come and go. Life cycle events and milestones continue to happen: children are born, graduate, go to college, marry, have children, and continue to grow. Grandchildren are born… Life goes on. So, how do we handle those sweet and happy moments, knowing quite well that someone is missing? Some families have rituals. I know our family did. When my father died, he left four children, ages eleven to twenty. He missed it all; proms, college scouting trips, graduations, weddings, and grandchildren. I remember my mother on significant days, leaning close and telling me, “Your dad would be so proud.” In doing so, she somehow made him a part of the day, despite how many years had passed. A good friend handled his loss differently. His wife died when his children were thirteen and seventeen. As significant events approached, he’d ask, “What do we do?” And the three of them would decide how they’d handle the occasion. He also made sure to tell his children at appropriate times, “Mom would have loved this.” At other times he’d say, “Too bad we couldn’t have had mom here. It’s a shame she didn’t experience this,” or “How incredible it would have been to have been together.” Grief is very personal and each individual and family handles grief and loss in their own way. For some families, life without their deceased loved one means choosing not to bring their name and remembrance into special family milestone moments. That’s what happened to my cousins. Their mother found it too painful to mention their dad at special events or in connection with personal achievements. And yet my cousins themselves chose to keep their dad’s memory alive through stories and memories. This made their mom happy and she did make a point to share over the years how pleased she was that her children had such happy recollections of their dad and their shared laughter and stories made them all feel good. Families are as unique as their members and while there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is also no standard way to remember a loved one. Whether we choose to keep a deceased loved one’s memory alive in a public way, or grieve privately and move on, is a very personal choice. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. While feeling sad after a loved one's death is a natural phase of the grieving process, some people find that first and second year too raw to participate in the holidays. Family and friends might help buffer those first celebrations, but if you’re all by yourself or feeling alone, you may be more comfortable seeking help. Local hospices, hospitals, funeral homes, and bereavement support groups offer workshops and hotlines on getting through the holidays, often held from Thanksgiving through New Year’s. Conduct an online search and enter "grief support during the holidays" and you'll be prompted with an array of options. Try the "near me" or access any of the other results. If you come up empty do a search for local hospices and call them directly. There are numerous options for online support groups as well. Enter "online bereavement support groups" and check out the listings to find a group you're comfortable with. Many people find grief support particularly helpful during the holiday season. It’s comforting to know you’re not alone. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, available in ebooks for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.
My grandma died at 97 and I was heartbroken. It was partially because she helped raise me and I adored her, but it was also unexpected. “Unexpected?” you might say, and some people did. But she did not die at an age that was the norm for her generation. She had outlived so many peers and younger relatives, I was sure she would live to be 100, and I was disappointed that she did not. What difference should it make how old someone is when they die? Shouldn’t we extend to the bereaved the same sympathy and level of support, no matter how old or young the deceased? In retrospect, I did not get much sympathy when my grandma died. One colleague said upon hearing of her death and her age, “Didn’t you expect her to die Robbie?” Just because someone has lived a long life, does that mean the loss is any less painful? No matter how old someone is when they die, the bereaved deserve the same consideration you would extend to anyone who has lost a loved one. Age doesn’t diminish the pain of loss and the mourning process is still the same. Photo courtesy of author Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store A friend sent an email with sad news. A young family she socialized with was bereaved. The dad died unexpectedly from a heart attack and she didn’t know what to do. Should she call? And if she did, what should she say? In troubling times, it can be hard to know what to do. Do you call or respect one’s privacy and give friends time to cope? Do you send an email and offer assistance? And if you do reach out and are rebuffed, do you back off or try again? It’s always appropriate to reach out and offer assistance, but be specific. Do they need help in picking someone up from the airport, a meal, errands, or someone to stay with the children? One of the kindest things you can do for the bereaved is to show up. Offer to visit for a short time. Enter the home, turn your cell phone off, and store your belongings. Then pay attention and listen. You can offer to help, but let your friend guide the way. If it’s a chore or errand, step in. If it’s company they need, sit quietly and be present. Your active presence is what is needed most, right now and in the weeks and months ahead. Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now at a reduced price for e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/89165847@N00/16057342786">Teacher and Student 35 Years On</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/">(license)</a> It’s not uncommon for the bereaved to feel regret. While anyone bereaved can feel regret, children and young adults can be particularly vulnerable. They have less experience with life and death and have yet to understand how fragile life can be. Regret is a deep sadness over what we perceive as missed opportunity and it’s the last thing we want to feel when a loved one dies. Prince William and Prince Harry disclosed their regret that they cut short their final phone call with their beloved mother, Princess Diana, just hours before she was died in a car accident in Paris. Prince Harry shared: “I can’t necessarily remember what I said, but all I do remember is regretting for the rest of my life how short the phone call was.” Prince William and Prince Harry were just boys at the time. How could they have possibly known that this would be their last chance to speak with their mother? As a child, I had regrets too. My father fought cancer for five years and died when I was eleven. I was too young to understand that my father could die and I was unable to remember the last time I said, “I love you.” Not wishing to repeat this “regret,” or any other for that matter, I made it my mission to express my feelings openly. No one I cared about would ever need to wonder how I felt. While my mother was alive, I made every effort to demonstrate how much she was cherished and ended every conversation by telling her I loved her. I continue to do the same for every precious relationship in my life. How can we know that a visit, phone conversation, or connection with a friend or loved one will be our last? We can’t. What we can do is accept life’s frailties, taking advantage of opportunities to build and maintain meaningful relationships. Our loved ones would not be happy if we tied their memory to regret. Instead, make their legacy a personal mission to live your life to the fullest. *** Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store Copyright legacy.com Used with permission Photo: I've Had a Few, But Then Again, Too Few To Mention via photopin With families settled all over the country, even the world, it can be difficult to come together to mourn a death. That’s what happened to a friend when her nephew died in Alaska. Her immediate family was spread out on both coasts and a funeral in Alaska was logistically impossible. Her nephew’s death was a devastating loss to my friend, her husband, and their children. Their inability to attend funeral rituals left them without any sense of closure.
What can grieving families and friends do when many members are geographically scattered?
Adapted from Legacy.com. Used with permission A reader asks, “How can I help my friend who is deep in grief over the death of her sister and at times takes her anger out on me?” It takes understanding to be supportive of someone both heartbroken and angry while grieving their loss. But, this is what good friends do. You can help a friend deal with their grief in any of the following ways: 1. Physical activity is a wonderful way to channel anger and refocus. You and your friend might make a date to take a weekly walk together in the evening or sign up for an exercise class together. You might need to arrange to pick her up to make sure it happens. 2. Sometimes the best way to help heal is to help others. When you can't seem to help yourself, seeing how your efforts can make a difference in someone else's life is very uplifting. Volunteering can be a wonderful distraction. 3. Your friend might need more than you to discuss her grief. Is there a community or religious organization that has a support group? You can do an online search to see what’s available in your area. Even if your friend is not a member of a specific faith, they might be very willing to have her attend. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time and mourning a loss is exhausting. If you are patient with your friend, in time she will be able to more fully participate in your relationship. photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/70838083@N07/10501280313">George Washington Bridge</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/">(license)</a> I thought I knew everything there was to know about grief. After all, I’d faced some terrible losses by my early thirties. And yet my mom’s death really shook me. The grief and sense of loss was devastating and I found it incredibly hard to pull myself together that first year. From my experience, I’ve learned that every loss is different and one loss doesn’t necessarily prepare you for the next. Unlike other life experiences, the more practice you have doesn’t make you any more competent at coping nor does it make it easier. Grief isn’t like any other life event. It doesn’t matter how many times you go through it; each time is unique and each loss leaves a different void in your life. That’s just one good reason to never say to the bereaved, “I know how you feel.” Because you can’t possibly know how someone feels. Just because you lost a mother, a child, or a spouse, your loss is unique to you. None of us knows the personal history or relationship between the deceased and the bereaved and that unknown plays a big factor into the grieving process. Each of us grieves in our own time and in our own way. And if you are to heal, you must fully mourn your loss. It’s hard to see someone in so much pain and I think that’s the reason many people shy away from the bereaved. But you can’t hurry someone through the mourning process. What you can do is be a friend. Stay the course, listen when they need to talk, and remain by their side. Isn’t that what you’ll want someone to do for you? |
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AuthorRobbie’s goal is to help her readers communicate effectively when their loved ones, neighbors, colleagues, and community members face difficult times. |